Would you do it? Move 2 hours away from children's father to be nearer family..

[CharlieBee]

Hi all,

Would just really like some advice on my situation from other who are unbiased and may have some experience of similar situations.

Background - My ex-h and I split 2 years ago when he came out as gay (we had been together 10 years). Out of the blue. He has been supportive financially and emotionally since and has always denied that he had any relationships before we split up. It's been hard but I'd always been amicable with him for kids' sake, and we were functioning quite well as friends until last week when it emerged that he had been cheating on me with a 'friend' of his before we split. I feel so angry and betrayed, but also really isolated now. The kids and I live about 2 hours away from either set of grandparents, and so our only 'back-up' and support really was my ex who lives about 20 mins away now. My son is autistic too so is quite a handful.

Anyway, I've always wondered about moving back near my mum and sister 2hours away. I really want to do it now. It would be lovely to have family support, and to be closer to them day to day. However it would mean the children (6 and 4) having a 4 hour round trip every other weekend to stay with their dad. Which seems really cruel to them. especially as they get older and want to do things with their friends locally at weekends. That's the only thing stopping me though. Do I put myself first and move or keep their lives stable and continue feeling miserable and alone??

Any thoughts welcome xxx

Hi WannaBe, thanks for your message. It must be hard for you, especially if xh doesn't speak to you - how do you deal with handovers?

If my xh was prepared to do 50-50, or indeed anything more than eow then I'd not be feeling such a need to go. He does eow even though I'd gladly let him have them more often. And things aren't that amicable any more - it's not even the fact he cheated, more that he lied about it for 2 years and his mates knew about it, even though I asked him multiple times whether anything happened.

I know it must look as though I want to do this to get back at him, but he actually has no problem with me moving. He feels guilty and wants me to be happy, but also it alleviates him of the pressure to come and see the kids after work in the week for half an hour at bedtime. I put that pressure on him, not because I want assistance (bedtime stories being one of the nicest bits of the day) but because I feel like I have to be an advocate for the children in making him see them more often. It's the children and the travel that I am worried about.

well, as ds is almost twelve now and xh only lives a two minute bus ride from here, he very quickly put the responsibility on to ds to go between houses on his own. The downside for him is that ds now goes in his own time rather than turning up at a set time, and this causes friction between xh/ds.

I certainly go through days (yesterday was one of them) of thinking I don't want to be here, I only live here now because of ds and it's not fair. My dp has a stable job he's been in for the past eighteen years and it's a very niche job so moving isn't easy for him either so potentially I could be in this position for the next seven years until ds leaves school. It's not a happy thought, but then I have to think of the good things that I do have in my life - a ds who benefits from still having a decent relationship with both of us, I never want him to have to compensate more than he needs to for the fact we are not together any more. I do like the area, it's close to London and has very good public transport. I am VI so access to public transport is essential as I don't drive. It's just that it can be isolating at times when e.g. ds is at his dad's and dp is away during the week.

My hope is that I will get a job which will enable me to be less financially dependent on xh which will give me a greater sense of independence/satisfaction and the rest will follow. If we didn't have 50/50 I might have been inclined to move and taken it from there.

If your xh is supportive of you moving and will still be supportive in the way he is then I would go tbh.

Jumping onto this one as I'm contemplating something similar myself. Although more than 2 hours away, DD is older (10), and hasn't seen her Dad for a few months (and currently doesn't want to see him). I feel a tremendous amount of pressure making this decision on my own, I was with XH since I was a teenager, and over the years have been ground down so much that I have difficulty trusting my own judgement.

But I do believe that surrounding yourself with those you love, and doing the same for your DC is everything. Good idea to let your emotions calm down, then make a decision from the right 'place' and know that you made it for the right reasons.

EOW is perfectly doable from 2 hours away, and it doesn't sound like he's much more involved than that anyway.

Would he agree to this being a good plan? Would you sit and discuss it with him beforehand? I'm confident my XH would stand in the way of me taking control of anything and am really concerned about the prospect of discussing it with him.

I moved an hour away for many reasons but one of them being my elder DS is Autistic and I wanted family support. XH had his fortnightly one day contact when it suits but that was/ is strictly it, through his choice.

I've found as the boys have got older DS 1 finds it harder to be out collecting DS2 from activities etc. and the number of activities has increased. Now we've moved family can help out with DS1 so DS2 has a much better life. I've remarried and also have a DD so she benefits too from having family around.

Two two hour journeys at the weekend is not so much travel especially as they get older. That time in the car can be great 1 on 1 time where they have you as a captive audience and really talk about their dreams and worries.

Did any of you who moved away have to deal with an ex filing a prohibited steps order, rather than having any discussion at all about the move?

Yes, I moved about 1.5h away when I separated 3 years ago. DCs were preschool at the time. My ex sees them ESW and half the school holidays. His parents collect them after school Friday, and I meet them halfway on Sunday's, sometimes a Friday too if I'm not working.

Advantages for me was being close to my family, and main support network. I left him due to his bad relationship with alcohol.

My ex has been able to make it through for most events.

The travelling doesn't seem to bother the DCs too much.

My parents have helped out with childcare, but my mum is now finding it a bit onerous at times, so I've changed my work pattern. They love that the DCs are now local.

Difficulties are that the DCs get spoilt when they're with their Dad. Also now they're older, they have missed out on their friends parties, regular weekend clubs etc.

I feel the benefit of the distance from my ex, but my circumstances were different to yours.

Good luck with your decision.