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Lone parents

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Original poster

How much info would you give to a runaway daddy?

27 replies

foolsrushin · 18/05/2014 21:47

I haven't sent any scan photos or told him anything as he isn't interested. I won't be offering to put his name on birth certificate but he can apply after and I won't stop him. Should I tell him when baby is born? Should I update him on my pregnancy at all? WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
foolsrushin · 18/05/2014 21:48

Should I apply for child support?

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queenofthepirates · 18/05/2014 22:20

Just now I would be focusing in on you and your needs. As the mummy, you are the most important person at the moment.

If you would like an opinion, I would let him gently go and let him do any running. It will take the onus off you to engage a man who you say is not interested which may be quite stressful for you. Do by all means apply for child support after junior arrives.

You will find MN full of stories of parents who try to communicate unsuccessfully and often painfully with a missing partner and parent. It takes an awful lot of energy just when you need to pour your strength into having a baby. By all means leave the doors open for him to return but I would counsel you not to chase him and try and involve him unless he wants to be involved.

EdithWeston · 18/05/2014 22:30

I don't think there is any need at all to update him on the pregnancy, but I think you must tell him when the baby is born.

I think men should support their children materially, even if they are not inclined to be a father in any meaningful sense. So unless you want shot of him completely and can afford that choice, then I'd say apply for CM.

And unless there are reasons why it is not safe, then he should be offered the opportunity to be in his child's life. It is up to him whether he uses that opportunity well.

sezamcgregor · 19/05/2014 10:25

I let mine run. That was 7 years ago.

I'm not sure if it was the "right" thing to do, but it was definitely the best option for me at the time.

If he is on the birth certificate, he automatically gets a lot of rights over your child, although some would argue that it is better not to have "unknown" on your child's birth certificate like mine has.

It is hard, but do what is best for you. Don't make hasty decisions based on one good day or bad day, but leave it a few weeks and see if your opinion is still the same.

I think sometimes it is better to say to a man who wants to run - run away, do your thing, and come back when you've grown up and are ready to be a father - and get on with your life knowing you're in control.

cestlavielife · 19/05/2014 12:12

assuming he knows your pregnant and is choosing not to know then just leave it.
wait til baby born.
you could then after week or so when you ready, send him polite note to say baby is born and would he like to meet baby?

don't think you can apply for any child maintenance til baby is born anyway.

if you do - then he might want to be involved and this has pros and cons depending on what he is like...

Corygal · 19/05/2014 12:28

if you make contact with him again, are you sure you're not going to get hurt by his indifference?

I'd do exactly what you feel like at this stage - your baby won't be missing much while still inside you.

Original poster
foolsrushin · 19/05/2014 16:45

Thank you you've all said what I have thought pretty much. I won't be inviting him to the birth as I need someone there I can trust and feel safe safe and secure with and thats clearly not someone in their forties who runs away after 2 years together. He's said every hurtful thing to me like I planned it, its not his, he doesn't want the fucking thing. I know in my head I would just like to walk away and forget him but I am just trying to think whats best for baby now. I won't be inviting him to register baby but I will tell him when she is born as I think thats important. If he applies he can be added to the birth certificate and I won't stop him. I will be applying for maintenance after initially thinking I shouldn't. I am thinking of seeing a solicitor about offering him supervised contact then at least I have tried for babys sake. Its tough knowing whats right and wrong and you only get one shot at it xx

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Original poster
foolsrushin · 19/05/2014 16:46

I want supervised access as some of his behaviour is savoury to say the least.

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BlackeyedSusan · 20/05/2014 10:49

honestly? tell him when the child is born when you are up to it, within a day or so. the rest. up to him really. you are going to have enough on without making extra work for yourself.

Original poster
foolsrushin · 21/05/2014 08:07

Well I have asked him recently again and all I got was abuse so thats my answer I guess. I won't ask again I just feel so bad for my baby

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cestlavielife · 21/05/2014 10:10

your baby will be fine.
surround him with your family, loving friends and he will manage just fine.

if you always think about what he/you are missing, your life will be miserable but you can do perfectly well alone with family/friends support.

Original poster
foolsrushin · 21/05/2014 17:26

You are so right cestlavielife. There will be plenty of other people around and baby won't want for anything. I just think all this is unnecessary and childish on his part

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MexicanSpringtime · 22/05/2014 03:18

Do think seriously about letting him be on the birth certificate, though. There is a post from a woman right now who fears that her ex might just turn up at the school and walk away with the children, which apparently there is nothing she can do to stop as he has parental responsability.

I didn't put my daughter's father on her birth cert although in every other way I recognised him as her father.

Original poster
foolsrushin · 22/05/2014 11:25

Well I won't be inviting him to attend registration but if applies after I won't stand in his way. If that happens and he applies for access I will go along with it providing its supervised. Its disgusting how they can walk away and just pop back in anytime :(

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Original poster
foolsrushin · 24/05/2014 15:21

There is a very high chance the baby is going to be born early should I even tell him that?

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queenofthepirates · 24/05/2014 15:36

Honestly you are going to have enough on your plate with a newborn let alone an absent dad. Leave it for now then see how YOU feel in a few months' time. He's made his feelings clear and TBH, you may enjoy the privacy and exclusive relationship you have with your new baby. I didn't bother to update my DD's father and four years on, we are quite dandy.

starlight1234 · 24/05/2014 23:36

Your posts do sound like you hope/wish he would realise what he is missing. You can't make him want or be interested in this baby. Leave him to it if he is interested he can contact you

You need to focus on you and the baby and planning what you will do after little one is born..

laura0007 · 25/05/2014 07:51

I was in this exact situation. I found out I was pregnant, DSs dad told me I'd planned it, he didn't want a baby etc etc, tried to get me to have a termination and said he didn't want to know anything. So I went through the entire pregnancy on my own, had DS, then text him to let him know he had a son. He replied with "best of luck for the future" Hmm I was so mad. But at the end of the day I've tried. I am currently going through cm to claim some money off him as I don't think he should get away scot free. Im opening a bank account for DS and the money will go into there and he can do whatever he likes with it when he's older.

Original poster
foolsrushin · 25/05/2014 17:48

If it was just about me I'd not bother anymore to be honest. I've always had my first childs father around in a proper set up so its alien to me that someone can cast aside their own flesh and blood. Laura thats exactly whats happened to me. They say you've planned it to trap them that way every nasty thing they say and do can be justified to the world (they think). However people may not tell him he's a jerk but you can bet they're thinking it. xx

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FionaJT · 25/05/2014 20:45

I was in the same situation, and just let it go and concentrated on me and dd. I emailed her father after she was born, to let him know, and I've made a point of never changing my phone number or email address so he could contact me if he wanted. Dd is 9 now and he never has made contact, and we have a stable and happy life without him. I've taken full responsibility for everything else, but his relationship with his child, or the lack of it, is his responsibility, not mine. I have plenty of other things to keep me busy!

1luvgosling · 25/05/2014 21:53

The best thing is to leave it for him to make contact. I was in the same situation with dd, he didn't want to know and wanted me to have a termination. He isn't on the birth cert- it doesn't say 'unknown' it is just blank, sometimes makes me sad but at least he has no rights. He is now on his second child since my dd, he has never seen her or paid anything. I don't chase him for it as I just think I shouldn't have to chase him to pay for her, she doesn't want for anything so why put myself through the stress! I think that maybe it is easier to be a lone parent from the start as at least you won't have known any different way. You make all the decisions and don't have to compromise what you want for you and your child. He lives nearby so there is a chance we could bump into each other but in 5 years it hasn't happened so we live our lives. It is hard but sooooo worth it. Smile

revealall · 25/05/2014 23:40

Foolsrushin - familiar story. Pretty much mine. I suspect you may have to get the CSA involved at done point if only to get the DNA test done. I was cross the way my ex ducked out by saying it wasn't down to him.
TBH it's often easier on your own especially with a young baby. Being able to eat and sleep when you and the baby want and to make your own rules is priceless. Women can be a great support. You'll only have to listen to people I with partners moan about night feeds that don't disturb their partners or tiding the house to realise their are advantages to having a baby on your own.
Worse case is a Dad that ops in and out and causes constant upset. At least if he's not involved you don't have that.
Don't rule out the advantage of not having him around if you met someone else either.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/05/2014 23:46

English Birth certificates have not had unknown written on them for about 40 years,the space is just left blank.

I wouldn't bother with chasing him at all

Original poster
foolsrushin · 26/05/2014 11:03

Thanks ladies you are all so supportive. Its a hard situation but one I've chosen wholeheartedly. xx

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LJAR · 26/05/2014 16:31

I am in the exact same situaion foolsrushin. I found out I was 12 weeks pregnant in January and he left for Ireland 2 days after I told him. Starlight1234 is right because i still hold on to the hope that he will realise what he is missing but he has not called me since he left. The only contact we had had is on FB and the messages are downright nasty. His mesages started out wanting to know about the baby but now we do not exist to him. I sent him the very first scan picture but he became angry saying that I used him and planned it. It has taken me 5mths taking one day at a time to realise he is not coming back and what he said in the beginning about flying over often to see us was total bull! I said at the start I would inform him about the baby but I no longer bother, he has moved on with his life and so I have had to do the same. Accepting the fact I am doing this totally alone is probably the hardest thing I will have to do but I now have to prepare for our life, just me and my baby. I also gave him the option to be on the birth certificate but had no reply. I never imagined it would turn out this way to have a baby alone but now I am excited to have this little person all to myself and i'm sure my beautiful baby will change my world when I meet him. Some days are harder than others but I don't need him now anyway. Take care of yourself and your bump xx

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