how to 'parent' with an unreliable dad and what to tell DC

[losinmimarbles]

I've NC because I'm so embarrassed that I'm posting on mumsnet again about my ex.

Left abusive ex 2+ years ago and have one DD aged 3.
Since we broke up life has been pretty unstable, a series of moves across country as well as inconsistency with my ex being in DD's life.

However, cut very long story short, the past maybe 4 months or so seem to have been going pretty well, DD has been seeing her dad on a regular basis (in a contact centre, plus occasional other visits for birthday, xmas etc) and ex and I have been communicating well.

This bit may out me - DD wanted dad at her birthday party, a few close friends expressed their concern given the history between us but after much deliberation I decided as seeing as things were going well it would be a good way to draw a line and be united for DD on her special day.

A week after DD's birthday: Ex and I have a minor disagreement about a career idea that he has had (constantly changing jobs/ideas) . There is no contact from ex for a few days (he usually will text to see how DD is or ring/Skype her) . I finally talk to him and he tells me he has decided its for the best that we don't speak any more and he'll just see DD in his time and basically keep everything separate (including no phone calls to DD any more).

I am still in a state of shock that he has done this again. Everything had been going well and DD seemed so happy. Now I've had her crying asking to speak to him and she's been asking 'can daddy take me swimming' etc (he had mentioned he could do this soon). What do I say to her? I'm heartbroken for her and so angry that her own dad could hurt her like this.

I have tried absolutely everything to try and get along with my ex for DD. Done no contact (he usually then disappears/uses drugs/alcohol), tried to be his friend (ends up thinking we can get back together), worked well as a team but with boundaries i.e. sorting xmas and birthday, nativity play etc. But nothing works! He says it's best for DD but now her life is unstable once again.

How can I go on the next 15 years having to deal with this man and comfort DD when he lets her down time after time? I'm at the end of my tether.

Thank you for reading.

Regina - I didn't know about that. I contacted csa who Said he only needed to pay 5 a week even though he was working! So I decided it was better to get more money through him directly if he was willing to do so (whish thankfully he has said every month for last year).

my kids have a very unreliable dad, although they were older when we split up, I would just acknowledge their feelings and not attempt to make excuses, for example. 'yes i know you are sad your dad hasn't turned up for your birthday party/school play, I know he loves you, I don't know why he is not here,'. To be honest by the time they reached teenage years, they were so used to not depending on him to do things, they now just use him for money really and see him very rarely, its sad for him he knows nothing about their lives but that's his fault. If I was you I would just back off , let him see her at supervised and that's it, she is young im sure you can distract her, and i wouldn't talk to him, communicate by email or text and only about your DD, then you have a record.

losin I have a friend who works for the DWP - she advised a mutual friend recently that if she didn't want to have to have any connection with her abusive ex she was perfectly entitled to tell CSA not to pursue her ex for financial support and that she could then claim that money through the benefits system.

Very easy for me to say but by allowing him to pay over and above CSA in an ad hoc fashion which you "rely" on to support you and your child doesn't sound like a good idea. I appreciate that you and your young child have been through a hell of a lot but I would suggest that your child would do very well in good childcare and in fact would be better off in a more financially stable scenario where you are not reliant on someone so volatile.

This whole recent situation came about (after a few months of stability) because you raised a question about his career choice, which has got his back up. I know you have explained that it was down to the nature of the role that you were concerned, but you also talk about him being flighty in regards to his career. Would you have been less inclined to comment if his career choices and your own survival weren't so intrinsic linked?

I think he is wise to step away from the situation and stick to the court ordered 2 hours supervised contact. He may have realised that he is easily riled by you and be choosing to not put himself in that position - he's having anger management and undoubtedly they would have given his that advice.

Wow, I've not heard of the SPIP course before but it looks excellent. Something like that has been long overdue IMO.