how to 'parent' with an unreliable dad and what to tell DC

[losinmimarbles]

I've NC because I'm so embarrassed that I'm posting on mumsnet again about my ex.

Left abusive ex 2+ years ago and have one DD aged 3.
Since we broke up life has been pretty unstable, a series of moves across country as well as inconsistency with my ex being in DD's life.

However, cut very long story short, the past maybe 4 months or so seem to have been going pretty well, DD has been seeing her dad on a regular basis (in a contact centre, plus occasional other visits for birthday, xmas etc) and ex and I have been communicating well.

This bit may out me - DD wanted dad at her birthday party, a few close friends expressed their concern given the history between us but after much deliberation I decided as seeing as things were going well it would be a good way to draw a line and be united for DD on her special day.

A week after DD's birthday: Ex and I have a minor disagreement about a career idea that he has had (constantly changing jobs/ideas) . There is no contact from ex for a few days (he usually will text to see how DD is or ring/Skype her) . I finally talk to him and he tells me he has decided its for the best that we don't speak any more and he'll just see DD in his time and basically keep everything separate (including no phone calls to DD any more).

I am still in a state of shock that he has done this again. Everything had been going well and DD seemed so happy. Now I've had her crying asking to speak to him and she's been asking 'can daddy take me swimming' etc (he had mentioned he could do this soon). What do I say to her? I'm heartbroken for her and so angry that her own dad could hurt her like this.

I have tried absolutely everything to try and get along with my ex for DD. Done no contact (he usually then disappears/uses drugs/alcohol), tried to be his friend (ends up thinking we can get back together), worked well as a team but with boundaries i.e. sorting xmas and birthday, nativity play etc. But nothing works! He says it's best for DD but now her life is unstable once again.

How can I go on the next 15 years having to deal with this man and comfort DD when he lets her down time after time? I'm at the end of my tether.

Thank you for reading.

There is no obligation on either parent to explain their life choices to the other - it is entirely up to them if they choose to work, not work, retrain, move away etc etc.

Of course, the financial and emotional responsibilities each parent has to their DCs should be a consideration when a parent makes a life change, but keeping the other parent fully informed, discussing it with them, inviting their opinion - definitely not. The SPIP and all advice given to separated parents makes that abundantly clear - an ex's choices are not something you can influence.

They are free to. That's fact. However I don't see why they should be free to. Just because something is allowed doesn't make it right.

The fact is that it doesn't just affect the child though. It is the RP that will have to make up the figures financially if a NRP won't contribute to the children upbringing.

If a RP makes the decision to lower their income presumably (or at least any decent parent) would ensure that it won't have a detrimental effect on their children. If an NRP reduces their income they don't have to consider what impact this will have on day to day life within the RPs home then no?

What you are suggesting is more in line with an RP deciding to change their financial circumstances and expecting the NRP to contribute more. Which I assume you would think is unfair?

I haven't said they should discuss with them however they do have to inform them. Otherwise what happens? The CM just doesn't show up in the bank account one day? And upon being informed I think they have every right to an opinion. It most likely won't be taken on board but they can have an opinion all they like.

If an NRP reduces their income they don't have to consider what impact this will have on day to day life within the RPs home then no?

Like any parent, they should consider the effects (financial and otherwise) on their children. That doesn't mean they cannot come to the conclusion - with or without the input or approval of their former partner - to go ahead with the change.

Hud yer: I'm with you on this, although my initial disapproval was mostly due to his particular choice of career ( some may say its not my business but I found it insulting that someone who has put me and dd in refuge thinks he could have a career telling people how to behave!!) however financially we are dependent upon him at the moment, I.hope to change this so am studying myself. If he can't give us cm then we cant afford rnt or food.

financially we are dependent upon him at the moment, I.hope to change this so am studying myself. If he can't give us cm then we cant afford rnt or food.

So...your ex is supporting you as well as his child. And he can't better himself or improve his own skills and job choices, but it is OK for YOU to do so by studying.

Frog- not heard of spip what is it? My ex is doing a domestic violence programme which contains modules on parenting.

Not really relevant, maybe, but on another point - I have worked in a field related to social work, and many of the best staff were those who had some experience of the issues their clients were dealing with. Many drug counselors are prior addicts, many homeless service workers were once homeless themselves, etc...I am not saying this is true necessarily of your ex, or not, there'd be absolutely no way to judge him from these posts, but certainly it is possible that he may be genuinely trying to retrain in a career for which he might be eminently well suited.

No I paid for my course out of my own savings and study from home whilst caring formy dd. I will wait til dd is in school until I.enrol at uni full time as I need to be there for dd while she is young. Of course he can better himself but he us a violent emotional abuser and he wants to be a social worker, ffs is that not relevant?

Brdgrl- well that may well be for Former addicts etc. My ex still has ongoing issues he is still and very likely always will be an abusive person. If I found out my social worker had put his own family in refuge id be dismayed. But you're right there are lot of psychopath social workers out there.

losin, my point is that you want to be able to study and stay home with DD, while relying on the CM to pay the bills. How would you feel if he tried to insist that you could go out and get a job?

I suggest you limit your discussions with a violent emotional abuser. If you don't trust that he has moved on in any way from his past behaviours (fair enough, why should you?), then maintain the contact centre interactions and no more.

losin

I presume you have some income (benefits or bursary etc). There are places that you can get financial help to enable you to continue your studies without having to rely on your ex. Speak to CAB ask them to point you in the right direction to make sure you get everything you are entitled to.

Presumably you made the decision together that he would support you whilst you were studying while you were still together but you need to try and get your financial independence back and quickly. Having him support you now is giving him the tools to continue abuse through financial means. Which I am now wondering if his sudden decision to return to education is influenced by.

However I do strongly believe he should still contribute CM.

Given what you have said it would be extremely unlikely social worker. But as brdgrl pointed out he could get a job doing something similar within a charity or such like.

Oh and if you're wondering why I don't work is because as I've Said before, we fklef domestic violence , lived in refuge for 6 months , moved 300 miles, had no support , so I used. OWN SAVINGS so that in a few years time we can have a better life.

sorry extremely unlikely he would get a job as a social worker.

Does he have a criminal record relating to the abuse?

losinmimarbles I think given the history here your ex is extremely lucky you're giving him 2 hours a fortnight.

IMHO, the only way it can work in your situation is if you keep your 'relationship' with your ex 100% focused on your DD - no conversations about life in general, no trying to be 'friends', no nothing. He has a personality disorder, he has been abusive to you - he will never be your friend, sadly - not one that you can trust, anyway.

I would stick to the court agreement; keep communication to an absolute minimum; keep a diary documenting everything that he says/does, and don't give him any leeway - ie if he doesn't keep to exact agreement, tell your solicitor.

This is all about keeping you and your DD safe from an unstable man IMO.

Is that really unfair? Yes I'm on benefits but even if I was working he would still have to pay the same. Thanks for tip about finance Hud, I shall look.into.that.
I feel that sometimes in life things can't always be equal. People are saying its unfair for me to study and not him but hold on one minute, he made and counties to make our lives he'll on earth, do I.give a monkeys if its fair ?? I thought it was pret unfair. We were homeless , I thought it was unfair he isolated me from family and friends, I thought it was unfair my daughter had no toys or home of her own, it was unfair that he's caused us both emotional damage through terrorising his bsbys mother.

losin, I am not criticising you for not working. I am sure that you have good reasons for the choices you make.

I think there are two points you are missing - one, you need - like hud says - to become financially independent from this man. You say you have used only your own savings to get this far, but you also say that you are now completely financially dependent on your ex - this is a real contradiction, and you can't afford to be relying on your ex for your own needs.

I also think that there is a flaw in the idea that you can choose freely to do what is best for you and your DD, but you want to have some say over your ex's own choices. If you can argue that he must maximize his income in order to provide more support for DD, he can certainly argue the same thing. I don't think you'd want that, frankly.

losin of course the way you and your precious DD have been treated is unfair .

So don't lose sight of that by hoping your ex will magically turn into a model father - because he probably never will. Concentrate on doing whatever you need to do to give yourself and your DD a better/happier life . And give your ex the two hours a fortnight he has been allowed with the support and protection the supervised access gives you.

Given everything you say and the degree to which it is still so traumatic for you to have to interact with him, you really need to stop the contact.

Between him and yourself, I mean.

Also I could be wrong (probably wrong so I apologise in advance) but is it not the case that if your ex has been violent and abusive you can tell the CSA you do not want him contacted re financial support and can claim the relevant benefits instead?

I agree it is important for your (psychologically as well as anything else) to not depend on this man for anything...

Completely agree with laregina I know you want what's best for your DD but that sounds like not allowing this man unsupervised contact with her.

You have coped well this far and you sound strong. You will get through all of this and your daughter is very lucky to have you.

Ok brd- perhaps. I didst read right yes I want to be financially.dependent. It is not possible right now due to the upheaval he caused us - been out of work so long I have to retrain and I want to be a sahm while dd young as no other family support due to ex.
He definetly can try earn more money etc but A Bloody social worker! Come on seriously!! He could do any.job.but that.
Basically though, yes we need to stay away from one another and keep things about dd - which right now he doesn't even want to know about her :(

Oh and it also doesn't sound like you a completely financially dependent on him. You use child maintenance to pay bills presumably because that's the easiest option. What that physical amount going into your bank is used for is neither here nor there.

You DD get's the monetary equivalent in food, a roof over her head, heating, bedding, toys, clothes, shoes etc etc throughout the rest of the month.

There is a reason why RP do not need to prove what they spend CM on and that is because it is widely known that if a RP wasn't providing for their children external agencies would be informed and actions would be taken.

You use the money resulting from that transaction any way you damn please. The same amount of money (and a whole lot more) is still being spent on her needs and her well being.

losin I do really feel for you .

You have come this far and got yourself and your DD away from this horrible man - for that alone you have proven yourself to be strong .

Try to remember that (IMHO) for any child, the important thing is to have a stable, constant, reliable caregiver in their life, and for your DD that person is you. All the time that your ex only sees your DD for a very limited time, you are protecting her from feeling such disappointment when he screws up/disappears again. For that reason alone (quite apart from safety issues) I wouldn't be thinking about giving away more access so easily.