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50 replies

Loobie · 15/03/2004 16:16

I will be brave and go first.Im 27 and a single parent for almost 2 years now.I have two sons at 8 and 5 and a dd who is 16 months.My eldest ds has autism and a multitude of other things.
I separated from dp when i was 5 mths pg with dd,unplanned baby and ds diagnosis 7 months before led to huge pressures and i asked him to leave,we have stayed very friendly and are in fact possibly on the way back together.
There me done some one else's turn.Go on its not that scary really!!!

OP posts:
sykes · 15/03/2004 16:19

I've got two dds, four and two. H left nearly ten months ago. Work fulltime. H now lives with the GIRL he left me for. H sees dds a lot but I'm afraid I'm still rather raw. Trying to decide what to do re moving house etc. Admire you very much, Loobie.

mammya · 15/03/2004 16:45

I've got 1 dd, 3yo. I'm 37, have been a single parent for a bit more than two years, separated from partner when dd was 8 months old, when I couldn't bear his violence any longer and felt it was putting dd in danger. At the momnet he's not seeing dd very often (his choice) last time was at Xmas. Until last August she'd been spending every other weekend with him. I'm not working at the moment, looking into some training courses. Would like to work from home.

mammya · 15/03/2004 16:47

Forgot to say: hello Sykes and Loobie!

MeanBean · 15/03/2004 19:09

I have a DS, almost 5, and a DD almost 2. Separated from XP almost 3 years ago, then found I was pregnant with DD. Moved, got made redundant and had baby. Now working part time from home. XP doesn't see children because he lives about 200 miles away (moved back to his Mum's) and pleads poverty - can't afford train fares. Also can't be bothered to phone. Doesn't pay any maintenance either. I applied in November 2002, but no money yet - CSA piss-poor! DS has just started school, and wanting a Daddy has become big priority for him - any advice on how to deal with this will be welcome.

hopey · 15/03/2004 20:18

I'm a 29 yr old biomedical scientist. DD is 2.5yrs and I have been on my own a year tomorrow. Things have been tough and ex-dp has been a sh*t, but have some satisfaction that he's split with the girl he left me for. Just goes to show that 20 yr olds aren't everything! Feel proud that I've made it this far and am actually happy at the moment. Hello everyone.

SofiaAmes · 15/03/2004 21:29

MeanBean, I don't have 1st hand experience of being a single mum (though did go through an awful divorce with my first husband who left me for another woman after 10 years, and annouced all of this to me on the telephone when I was in china on my birthday). Anyway, watching my dh with his son (who was 5 when we got together), I can tell you what not to do with your ds. Please don't tell him that his dad is a s**t even if he is. I would have thought that at this age it's pretty important to pretend that his father really loves and cares for him and isn't around/calling etc. because he can't (make up good excuse...ill/work/etc.). Children are smart and he will soon realize all on his own that his father hasn't been a great dad to him. But at the moment, he is needing for whatever reason (comparisons with other children at school maybe?) to make his father into a real (and preferably nice) person.

SofiaAmes · 15/03/2004 21:32

just re-read my post and i think I made it sound like my dh is a s**t dad. He is just the opposite, he is an absolutely wonderful dad, but his ex is constantly telling their kids (who live with her) how terrible he is and how he doesn't love them and doesn't care about them and doesn't give them any money etc. etc. All of this is completely untrue and we don't really care what she thinks, but it clearly has hurt the children, and they are very confused by it all as all they have ever gotten is love and attention from their father.

Fizog · 15/03/2004 21:40

Hi guys!

25, young, free and single for 15months now, DD is 20months. I actually quite like being on my own, it's hard sometimes of course, but for the most part I'm quite happy and I hot the dating scene with avengence at the end of last year. I left xp after deciding that he was never going to change, he started being violent and abusive towards me when I was about 4months pregnant.

I love to meet new people and am always looking for weekend activities. Had a lovely day out with Mammya and her beautiful little girl not so long ago.

Not sure what else to tell people straight off

Fizog · 15/03/2004 21:42

of course that should say 'hit' not 'hot' - oops

stupidgirl · 15/03/2004 21:51

I'm 23, single mum to ds 5.6 and dd 2.11. They have different dads, each very short term relationships, so I've been a single mum from day one.

I am working very hard to find a way to get off benefits. Would love to work from home. What do you do MeanBean?

mammya · 16/03/2004 00:15

Fizog, do you want to do something like that again soonish? and anyone else who wants to join us too of course.

MeanBean · 16/03/2004 00:58

I know about not being judgemental and covering up for the bad behaviour of fathers to protect the children, and I've done all that; I haven't told ds that his dad is a shit, I've told him that he lives with Grandma because she is ill, and needs someone to look after her (almost true, she's bonkers). However, DS has started telling me that his Dad is dead; I don't know where he got that from, certainly not from me or any of my friends or relatives - even my crazy mother in her wildest moments wouldn't say anything as mad as that. I just tell him that Daddy's not dead, he's still alive and living with Grandma and looking after her, and he'll come and see him when he's older. But why is he making this story up? Is it his way of making sense of why his father is not in touch with him? XP isn't completely hopeless - he does send a card at Christmas and birthdays, and Christmas wasn't that long ago, so DS can't have forgotten. And also, how long can I keep up the fiction of sick Granny? What fiction can I move on to when he's older and begins to see through that one (forewarned is forarmed)? Suggestions welcome!
Stupidgirl, I work for a charity - they are very good about working from home, work/ life balance etc., particularly when working with volunteers. Long term, volunteering to do some development work for a charity is very good as a way of getting paid work. The pay is low, but they top you up with tax credits.
Fizog, glad to hear I'm not the only one who is actively enjoying being on my own. Think I might be a control freak, though, which is possibly why I like being the only one with a vote in my house.
Has anyone been watching that series on ITV about a woman whose husband has dumped her? How realistic is that? And how comes I haven't managed to go out and drunkenly shag someone fifteen years younger than me? Has anybody else on here done so, and if you have, would you recommend it?
Is there too much going on in this posting?

Fizog · 16/03/2004 09:28

Mammya - yes I'd love to, shall we start a thread incase anyone else fancies it?

Lol MeanBean - I tend to air on the side of control freak too... feel exactly the same and like the fact that I never have to compromise, get my own way all the time and do what I want when I want!!!!

With regard to your son, I wouldn't make a big issue of it. I would keep repeating that daddy isn't dead and leave it at that, perhaps let him keep daddys card in a nice box on a shelf in his room and get them out occassionally to look through. When he's older he will of course realise that his dad doesn't want to see him but as long as you're always truthful with him I'm sure he'll understand that you told him the truth and tried to protect him. On the other piont, I'd say you could get away with the sick granny story until he's about 10-12ish. I know a man who raises his child in similar circumstances, mother doesn't want to see child... child is 7 now and starting to realise.

PS. It's an absolute impossibility for me to meet someone 15 years my junior so can't really comment and I do plan to stay 25 forever so will always be impossible

Bugsy2 · 16/03/2004 13:55

I'm 34 and can't really date from when I became a single parent as H has travelled so much over the last two years. However, he moved out last July as he was unable to finish his relationship with HER and I couldn't see any point him remaining in the house and lying to me all the time.
We are currently getting divorced and I am extremely stressed!!!! I work part-time but may well end up having to work full-time because he is being such a nightmare about the money.

Bugsy2 · 16/03/2004 13:56

oops forgot to say that I have two children: DS is 4.5 and DD is nearly 2.

Tinker · 16/03/2004 14:12

Have been a lone parent since day one but ceased to be single nearly 2 years ago. Daughter is nearly 7. Pluses and minuses with both, sometimes think I just do more work now. Also, had nothing to compare with previously so we had a very nice little relationship (mostly). But it has made me feel quite proud of myself for managing, never cease to glow when people say 'I don't know how you do it'

Fizog · 16/03/2004 14:24

Tinker I know what you mean - when somebody says "I don't know how you do it" or "How do you do it?" it always feels like such a huge compliment, for me anyway It's almost like somebody saying "you know kid, you're doing ok"

mammya · 16/03/2004 14:51

LOL, MeanBean and Fizog, I know exactly what you mean about having your own way all the time, it's lovely.

Shall we start a thread then for a day out on a sunday soon?

Fizog · 16/03/2004 15:30

Mammya, yes shall we start one in the mumsnetter meetups area? If I get a chance this afternoon I will do it but am about to go to a meeting so might be better if you start it and I'll jump on the bandwagon when I get back!!

MeanBean · 16/03/2004 15:47

Fizog, your plan to stay 25 forever is a good one - I don't know why I didn't put it into action, and it's too late now! Bugsy2, you sound like you're going through the usual hell, but I promise, it does get better. Try not to be bounced into working full-time if you can avoid it, because your kids need you to be there now more than ever, and if you are too exhausted, you won't be able to help them through this horrible period - or yourself. I don't know how reasonable your H is, but you could try making him see that money is about the welfare of your children, and if he forces you to go out to work full time, they will suffer more than they need to. Don't know if that helps.
Meet up thread sounds a good idea. Where do people live?

Fizog · 16/03/2004 16:47

Right will start a meetup thread in the Mumsnetter Meetup area to make sure everyone sees it. it will be called:
Cheap Sunday Day Out - Anyone interested?

I was thinking if the weather gets a bit nicer we could a London Park or the zoo - anyway suggestions will be welcomed and I'll check out the 'Day Out Recommendation' area

SofiaAmes · 16/03/2004 23:22

Meanbean, my ex dumped me after 10 years (I was 32 at the time) so I went out and shagged everything that moved, including a 17 year old (absolutely useless) and a 23 year old (he was a little surprised to find out that I was a little more experienced than him). Personally I found that the younger ones weren't really worth the cost of the birth control...

lou33 · 16/03/2004 23:25

Sorry to butt in here as I am not a lone parent, but...


bundle · 17/03/2004 12:15

sofiaAmes,that's why when I was on a 'break' from dh (when he was dp) I got mine free from FPC

MeanBean · 17/03/2004 14:05

SofiaAmes, you've just destroyed all my illusions! Mind you, nice to know I'm not missing out on much...

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