Just broke up with DP - he wants DS EVERY weekend. How do I stand?

[sadtallmummy]

My DP and I have a 14 month old son. DP has dumped me as he says he doesn't want to marry me etc etc.
He lives in London
I live in the country
He used to spend part of the week with me/us.

He announced that he wants DS all weekend, every single weekend. He says that its only fair because I "get him all week". However I do actually work during the week (albeit mostly from home) but it's not really the same as being free at weekends!

1. I think he is too little to spend a night without me every single week (plus I'm still breastfeeding)

2. I want to enjoy him at weekends too! I want to take him to do fun things, see my friends, etc

I said to DP that of course I want him to see DS as much as possible, and have suggested he have him one full day every weekend, and once he's old enough, both days every other weekend.
He can come and see him whenever he wants during the week.

DP doesn't accept this and is insisting on having him both days, every weekend, now.

I am very upset and worried that I might lose access to my son at weekends.

Surely if DP was so keen to see his son he could move out of London to be nearer him and see him in the week? There are jobs for him around here.

Please help - thank you.

Perhaps if you answered the question I asked rather than offer yet more passive aggressive put downs which fall just within the talk guidelines you might convince us that you actually want to offer constructive advice to a vulnerable woman ?

Or by not answering the question you prove my point about your cherry picking and twisting words beautifully.

I notice this is the second thread today where your advice and motives have been called into question. Interesting to see the pattern.

3 Cooked from my own personal experience with an abusive man who went through 5 solicitors and eventually self repd when he couldn't find one who would work with his demand to have every weekend contact.

Perhaps you could provide details of the cases where contact has been ordered every weekend given that such scare mongering without fact really isn't what the OP needs right now ?

Ok cool, thanks...so you have no authority to make the statement you made.

It's not unheard of but it's quite unusual.

Under most circumstances it's recognised that children benefit from down time with both parents and the opportunity to be involved in both parents extended family.

Every weekend would be quite likely to result in a child being excluded from the grandparents and other family members on the RP parents side as in this day and age a significant amount of those types of visits are done at weekends, with older children it can also contribute towards isolation from peer groups and the local comunity.

You can't talk about the importance of the NRP having involvement with actual care,schools,overnights because that type of stuff is important as well as relaxing fun time without acknowledging that it is equally as important for the RP to be also providing the child with relaxing/fun/down time.

Come on 3 cooked. Provide your own 'evidence' that contact is awarded every weekend and then perhaps you can actually offer some support to a woman who is distressed, worried and vulnerable.

Oh off the top of my head I can recall only about 15/16 times I've known it to happen,

Most involved older children who expressed that as a want or failed 50-50

But I do know of several private arrangements where it's been agreed

There is no need for me to provide evidence I haven't made any statements saying that EW is awarded in court.

Epic fail 3 Cooked.

Yes, strange isn't it. Twice in one day have I been taken to task by two posters who feel my input on the lone parent board means nothing, (even though I was a lone parent myself) yet who both regularly post on the step parent board with no experience of having been one.

I actually don't mind the latter at all but the double standards are fairly shocking.

Poor OP seems to have given up which is a shame. I would name change if I have a lone parent type of query.

You need to set out an agreement that you are comfortable with and negotiate from there. No court will award your non-resident ex boyfriend EW. Have no fears!

Just to clarify 3 Cooked. I have made the assertion that in a case of contested contact, there would be no way that a judge would grant every weekend contact.
Your demand for my credentials is clearly an attempt to challenge that. I presumed based on your own experiences ? But you don't actually HAVE any experience of this scenario given your failure to respond.
It has been shown on this thread that every weekend contact can be agreed when based on the wishes and feelings of older children, or my mutual agreement. Neither of which apply to the OPs situation.
Hope that clarifies for you.

monet

Just incase your picked up it could in theory be awarded in other circumstances but IME it would be unusual

Thanks Needs. Yes absolutely understand that anything could be demanded asked for and could be discussed but confident that in a disputed case it would never be agreed to.

What makes you so confident? After all it's already established you don't speak with any authority on this.

You cannot possibly claim that it doesn't happen, Monet, especially not when your basis for your claim is your singular experience!

It does happen. As sock says, it's unusual but it is not unheard of. The cases I know of are a combination of younger children who have quality time with the RP all week and older children as well. Unusual, but it has happened. It is unfair to claim things that are simply untrue just to make someone feel better.

I personally feel that EOW with the father seeing the child in the week where possible is a suitable compromise, or 3 out of 4 weekends.

3 out of 4 is quite a usual occurance when EW has been happening but has not worked

Still waiting on your vast experience 3 cookedchipsonyour shoulder ? Not able to share ?

Nomoreteather-what is your assertion based on (stories from Take a Break don't count)

In my experience the courts do sometimes award contact every weekend. For example to accommodate shifts or when a child is too young to attend school or nursery and one parent is stays at home rather than works. Also when children are very young shorter more frequent periods of contact are thought to help the child develop their bonds with both parents without changing the routine too much. Sharing the quality time at weekends (and during the school holidays) 50:50 with perhaps a midweek night or two is a lot more common, particularly once the children reach nursery or school age.

I think I could count about 10 the times I've posted on the SP boards in the last 3 years and guess what I used to be a step parent, one who still has an amazing relationship with those kids.

You are in nearly every lone parent thread usually siding with the NRP, even when they are it have been abusive.

Get a fucking hobby and stop scare mongering and twisting things to suit your own damp agenda Russian.

You may have been a lone parent, but one that has admitted today that you didn't even want to be RP to your kids. So please excuse me when I think your posts count for full all on threads where mum's (and it the the mums you target) actually want to care for their children properly and for most of the time.

Even when they are or have been abusive*

You allowed your abusive (to you) ex to look after your child from 4/5 weeks. Good for you. Most parents wouldn't. Period.

stidw

I must be being dense but your post makes no sense,

Sharing the quality time 50:50 is not every weekend, it's more like EOW + a school night and split holidays.

And every weekend does not fit in with the current trend for little and often.

That was damn and fuck all too

This phone does not like me.

Regardless of the typos meep, you have a very valid point.

So many LP's have been given advice to continue contact in unsafe ways especially when abuse is involved with little regard or understanding of the issues.

Yes, should really learn to proof read since this phone inserts and changes words as it pleases. It also appears to not like my more colourful language.

Certainly that is the advice preferred by certain posters. I'm still thinking it must be for comedic value as can't see how it could actually be serious, well not if you have one ounce of common sense anyway.

Oh and OP I apologise for that rant on your thread. It would be hugely unlikely EW contact would be granted.

What you are offering seems perfectly reasonable.