advice needed.can i stop my ex introducing his new gf to our kids?

[mumandlovingit]

long story (see my other thread)
basically i need advice as to whether i can stop my ex introducing his new girlfriend/informing the kids of his new girlfriend until they've been together for a while?
he only left us a week ago and has got a new girlfriend.the kids are already messed up enough with him leaving.there's no way they'll cope knowing he's already replaced me! alo she's got children of her own.he hasnt got parental responsibility over the children but im obviously giving him access to the each week and keeping him in their lives.i just dont want them anymore upset than they already are.can i stop him? someone said that i can stop him from interoducing etc for 6 months/a year incase the relationship doesnt work.anyone been through this?
cant stand the thought of him with someone else but puting my feelings aside, the kids cant cope with all this at once, they're not coping well now.their behaviour has changed and i keep getting asked why daddy doesnt love me anymore etc.they are 5 and 4.
any advice would be great.

can you talk to him about it - as their father he won't want to upset them uneccesarily?

I agree and just say that you are acting in the best interests of the children and they come first no matter what has happened between you two. If he doesn't accept this make sure that he is aware that it is his choice and you haven't stopped him seeing his children. The same thing is happening to my sister at the moment.

I think you're being really sensible. I'd play up the fact that he's getting access and hint that you're aware he doesn't actually have a 'right' to it so you're being VERY nice to him anyway - but make it clear that the access is on YOUR terms. I don't know the guy but if he's insenstive enough to leave you, tell you he needs 'time' and instantly have a new girlfriend then he may not be sensitive enough to understand where you're coming from. But I think you're right, it would be best for your kids not to have to deal with this just yet - it's only been a week fgs! I can't believe what this guy's doing to you, well done for keeping your head and putting your kiddies first, you're a great mum - I don't think I could do 'access' at all in your shoes.

I'm not sure if there is anything you can do about it, other than appeal to his better nature. You don't say whether he's already said he's going to be introducing them to his gf or whether it's just something you're (understandably) worried about. Have you talked to him about it?

But please don't go down the road of using whether you will "allow" him to see the children or not as a tool to get what you want. I understand totally that you want to protect them from upset, it's what us mums do. But he's their dad, of course they have a "right" to see each other. If you start preventing him from seeing them it will just cause loads of animosity between you, he might start court proceedings for a contact order and going to court is not only expensive it is really stressful for all involved. If you can, try to keep the communication channels open between you and if you both do what's best for the children you'll do fine.

What you need is some tea and sympathy from the lovely Mistress Miggins who is going through similar.

i AM GOING THROUGH This at the moment too. We split up about 2 months ago as he had an affair and is still with her. He sees her child alot and today he took ds out for lunch for the first time since we split and showed him his house and her and her son and i think it was far too much for the first meeting and i have just told him so. I wanted him to take it easy or the first meeting and listen and think about our son and he hasnt. I would tell him whatis aceptable for the sake of your child and make him stick to it.

the day he told me that he's seeing her was monday (he left friday) he only told me as i put him in a corner really after i noticed hed ordered things on his catalogue! he said he wanted to tell them, i said no.im just worried incase they see him out with her and her child. i now i'll have to talk to him tomorrow on his visit to the kids.es the type of person who does something just because he knows it'll annoy you though and i dont want to p him off by bringing it all up and him getting into a strop and blurting it all out to the kids.then again if he does he'll have a hard job me being so nice afterwards as at the moment ive been as good as i can regarding access etc.e comes to visit them twice a week.there's no way hes taking them out on his own, he didnt do that when he lived here really and im not risking him taking them somewhere and her just happens to be there! i get the impression he wants me dangling in the background incase things go wrong with them but i cant cope with it all anymore.i found out today that she was where he was the night before he left me, convenient!! also that he was kissing and cuddling her etc omewhere the other night all lovey dovey and when a friend saw, quickly put her down.hurts to think he can be like that with someone so soon.i think i need to just accept that its over and try to remove my interest from the situation etc and try to move on and sort mine and the kids heads out as all im thinking about at the moment is him 24/7, what he's doing and if he's with her.i know i couldnt trust him and love him the same, especially not for the forseable future so i think thats what i need to do to stay sane at the moment.

You could go to mediation, citizen advice bureau will have a number for such a service.

You meet with ex and a mediator to outline your requirements and get an agreement drawn between you as to how you would like things to proceed. They draw up a contract for you both at the end.

Much cheaper than going to a Solicitor.

I would say maybe six months would be a good time to allow the other woman in, that way you will be able to see if your ex is just having a fling with her or it is getting more serious. If the latter then it will be inevitable that they will meet but agree too soon to mess with the little ones heads and I cant see who will benefit from it at this stage either.

Hope you get sorted.

in my mind they wont be together in 6 months but who knows?? its the fact that she's got her own children that will mess the boys heads up the most.they'll feel like he's got his family with them now and not us.like they've been replaced.thank god im not interested in finding anyone new so soon, not a chance with how things are going.need time for me and my kids now and getting sorted and content with things.going to try to get a job after xmas when they're both at school full time.get some independance again.

i remeber when my mum had a spereation, a solicitor put a clause in the assess that my dad could not see us with his new girlfriend due to the disruption and upset it would cause us children, until he could prove he had a stable realtionship, etc, my dad went back to my mum in the end!

it will take a while and its sooooo hard to get your head round

I am 9 months on from my ex leaving and its still hard....BUT you do have a say in what happens and I believe that as long as you do what is genuinely best for you children, you cant go wrong.

be firm.
explain that you have no probs HIM seeing the children but not her.
explain that if he loves the kids, he will think about them first....if this means not introducing HER, then he will agree. Explain that if this is the real thing with HER, whats 6 mths?
If he wont agree, then explain you will have to take advice as so soon its too hard on the children
I agree with Sufermum, you will have to accept the situation for the children quicker than you will accept it for yourself

its very very difficult to put your own hurt feelings aside....

I know someone who has been both widowed and divorced, and she said divorced is worse - you cant grieve, the person CHOSE to leave you, etc etc

your kids are young like mine - my DS was 3 1/2 and DD 18mths when ex left....they are doing OK but I have forced ex to do things slowly.....
first 2 months is was day visit only
next 3 mths was fornightly day visit / fornightly weekend staying at his parents
then I agreed to them meeting HER
last weekend was first time they'd stayed with her there too....

DS told me that SHE doesnt like him explained how new friends take a while to get to know AND emailed ex telling him that SHE needs to be more friendly & give kids hugs

that felt shit - telling ex that I want HER to hug my children when she was PARTLy responsibly for the break up of our marriage

yep mimi, similar thing as in mediation but I didnt want to advise the solicitor route and divorce until she knew if it was definitely over.

I expect its all very raw at the moment, the anger will come later when it all becomes too much I suspect.

For the moment I think its great looking as far ahead as Christmas and the New Year and making plans instead of falling in a heap and feeling sorry for yourself. Good on yer.

my parents did not seperate or divorce, just my mum did not want us children to get hurt and messed up with it all so insured that it was secured through a solcitor that until he could prove it was a long term, stable relationship, he could not bring children into, that due to obvious reasons, obviously depends upon trust issues and alot else, was just saying what had happened with my parents, i agree best to try and resolve issues together without solicitors they make to much money out of others misery as it is,! x

dont want solicitors involved.want to srt things between us both.just want him to see the kids as aranged, make them happy while he's here and then go again without any mention of her etc.i know my eldest will ask in the endbut i want him to deny it and say that he isnt with someone else.want them secure in us being apart before that happens and then it wont be such a blow to them all at once.ive been angry, upset, shocked, cnfused, all the feelings there could be.im now at the stage where i dont think i could hurt anymore than i am already.i dont think anything he could do would shock me now.its hard to have confidence still though when this happens.i find myself asking why he left for her and why she's better than me etc.i truth i dont think thats got anything to do with it though.i gave all i could and if that wasnt enought then its obviously for the best.he certainly didnt do alot while he was here.didnt spend alot of quality time with us, help at home etc or make me feel loved and wanted and special lately.i tried over and over to make us happy and then he was the one who left! just had some retail therapy and ordered myself some new underwear.pity there's only me to see it but never mind.its made me fel abit better! just got to takw things one day at a time i think and we'll get there in the end.

must be really tough right now and so raw! well done for ordering the underwear, think thats a step in the right direction, when these things happen it so easy to look at urself and blame amd question urself but he was the one with the problem not u!, mean often never look as far as then ends of their noises, and often realise what they have lost when it is too late, and im sure he will realise, must be so hard for u right now, with all these mixed emotions and empty feeling all u have know for years has suddenly change etc, u have ur precious children and im sure they will help u through this challenging time, try and keep ur chin up cyber hug to u !!!!!!!!!x

one thing I would advise is to tell the children the truth
when my ex first left, we told the children that daddy wanted to live nearer work
I think this was probably confusing for DS (3 1/2 at the time) as he couldnt work out why daddy couldnt come home
once I told him that daddy didnt want to live with mummy anymore cos he didnt love me, he seemed to stop asking when daddy was coming home as much

its one thing them knowing about said gf but another thing meeting her

its hard - dont let anyone tell you its easy
Ive found coming on here to rant instead of ranting at ex a great comfort

ave spoken to ex today on his visit and told him i dont want the children knowing about his gf yet incase it doesnt work out and because the kids have got enough to deal with at the moment.told him 6 months or so then we'll discuss it with them if they have not seen them together by then and if they're still together.proud of myself today.told him that i need to accept that hes chosen to be with her and need to try to sort my life out which means i dont want to know anything about what he's up to etc.i just want to be kept up to date with his living situation, phone number etc and when he's seeing the kids.up to him if stays with her or not etc.he looked quite hurt but it was him that left! need to be like that to get my head straight.going to sort all his things out bit by bit and box them up for him.

I was in the same situation nearly 5 years ago now. Husband left me finally (after much coming and going - although it was me that had the affair - long story, but decided to give marriage another go - had another baby, he then changed his mind). He left me when my youngest was 11 weeks old. My other two were 4 (nearly 5) and 9 at the time. Such bad memories when I think back but now we have come so far.

It all came to a head when I went on holiday with my girl friends and our children but left my 9 month old at home with (ex) husband as all the other children were roughly the same age. I found out whilst in Spain that he was spending the bank holiday weekend with his girlfriend and my baby. I know she was only 9 months old but the thought of this other woman holding and cuddling my baby when I was missing her so much was unbearable. He moved out the day I came back off holiday - lived in the loft for the 9 months after he had left me (just couldn't get him out of the house).

Now, okay, it is nearly 5 years on - but we all get on so well. Ex has children every week over night at his girlfriends house (where he now lives) and he actually has them at the moment for 2 weeks (as I work and have childcare difficulties in the summer holidays).

My boyfriend can meet my ex-husband to collect the children or I will quite happily drop the children to his girlfriend.

It is such a hard situation to be in, especially as, for you, it is still so "new" but take it from me, someone that has been there and it is just such a "shitty" time, you will get through it, you will be fine, the kids will be fine. If you explain how you feel, I am sure that he only wants to do the best for his children as well and will totally understand where you are coming from. It is hard enough for the children to accept that their mum and dad are no longer together but they do not need to see the "replacement" until he is sure it is long term and then it has to be a gradual process.

My children totally accept my boyfriend and also their dad's girlfriend. My eldest (now nearly 14) tells me that she gets upset that me and my ex-h are no longer together but she can see that both him and his girlfriend, and me and my boyfriend, are so happy together.

hae now had phonecall off ex saying he's been to the hospital and there's blood in his wee.he says they're taking wee tests etc.dont know whether to believe him.also said he was going to come round and spend some time with me once the kids were asleep but with the problem, he wont.i asked why he was going to come round and he just said, to spend time and talk to you.confused now! apparently his girlfriend doesnt know about the problem.dont knwo quite how much sympathy etc i should give.dont want to seem as though i dont care but at same time have now got my head around sorting me and kids out and trying to accept the situation and move on.things didnt go too badly today when he was here so dont want to sart things being bad betwn us.im trying to keep things ok for kids sakes.

I know it's really really hard, but it will be easier for your kids if you make it nice, even if you are seething inside.
I have seen it from the other end (not as a home wrecker, but as the girlfriend/stepmother).
My dh's ex kept sleeping around so he finally left her. He met me about 6 months later. She was awful about the children (4 and 5 at the time) meeting me and invented fusses and arguments about everything. She made the children's lives miserable as she made it very clear that they couldn't possibly love her if they loved their daddy and his girlfriend. She constantly told the children fabricated nasty stories about me (eg. said I purposely used a washing powder that gave her daughter a rash...washing powder was the same as hers, and rash never actually happened). The poor children could not figure out how to evaluate me, or anyone else for that matter as all they could see was that I was a nice kind person to them, but their mother said I was evil and nasty and they couldn't figure out what about me was evil and nasty and why their father would be with such an awful person. The ex could never see that her children were never going to love me in the same way as her, their mother, and really just wanted to have nice visits with their father. And instead of her being happy that their father was with someone who was kind and responsible she just spewed hate. Ironically, while my dh ended up staying with and marrying me, she went through a series of truly awful boyfriends (violent and drug addicts) who my husband was polite and civil to for the sake of the children. We are now 7 years down the line and the children have a stilted and disfunctional relationship with their father and an almost non-existant one with me. I put a large part of the blame for this on their mother who was so determined to make sure that they couldn't love anyone else. Problem is, that the hatred will remain with them and all their relationships for the rest of their lives.
Once you are no longer with someone, regardless if it was your choice or theirs, you really can't (and shouldn't) try to control what they do when the children are with them (assuming that there is nothing truly unsafe going on). If the relationship doesn't work out with this other woman, it doesn't work out. But the most disruptive thing for the children will be the fighting between you and your ex, not the leaving of his girlfriend.

Reading all this with great interest-my H of 10 years recently walked out and chose his new "girlfriend"over me and his son(aged 4).Very wounded,angry,shocked,dismayed,disbelieving,etc..can't think about HER yet.DS is coping much better than me.Don't know whether to move away,which will make me happy,or stay for DS' sake.Also,he about to start new school,don't know whether should keep him at old one in case we move soon,to reduce the upheaval.feel i am going mad with indecision!!!sorry for everyone else who has to go through this--how can men just walk away from their children?!

SofiaAmes - what you say makes sense....I try to follow your ideal....however when your ex is living with the woman that helped split up your family, its hard to welcome & encourage her with your children - some of us BMs arent super human without feelings - be a lot easier if we could just switch off

hi purpleperson
lots of people in same situation as you
I was there 8 months ago

You dont have to think about HER but you do need to try to keep it together for DS

I would say that if you feel its too soon for DS to meet HER, then as long as you dont restrict access to your ex, I dont see it as a problem.

everyone will say "kids adapt etc" - yes they do AND people say this to try to make you feel better (it doesnt)

come on here & rant or cry - lots of lovely people around to help you (including advice from step mums although all those on MN are stepmums after their partner left & not as a result of an affair)

mistrissmiggins, I know exactly how humiliating it feels to be left and how hard it is to maintain composure. My first husband left me for another woman. Thank god we didn't have children together. I worked very hard at maintaining a civil relationship with him, (even though i didn't have to as we didn't have children together). I did it for me and it really worked. I thought very carefully about every interaction (only communicated by fax...before the days of email....to make it possible to think before speaking....for the first 6 months). And I made sure that nothing I said or did would be something that I wouldn't feel proud of at a later time. For example, even though I wanted to scream and shout when he returned my suitcases without removing the tags from his plane visit to her, I just took a deep breath and didn't say anything. I made it into a funny story about how stupid men can be and told all my friends. When his landlord accidently faxed me a copy of a statement for the refund on his security deposit (which came out of our joint bank account), I didn't call up screaming at him about what a theif and cheater he was, I just sent him an invoice for half of the refund. I promise you I felt so virtuous about my behavior that it really took away a large chunk of the sting about having been left for another woman. And of course, in time he proceeded to cheat on the woman he left me for and has since had children with his mistress as well as her. I feel extra good as my behavior was completely exemplary (sp?) and his was abysmal. If we had had children, I'm sure that they would have done well out of the calmness of the interaction.

Purpleperson, if you think you can manage to be strong, I would recommend staying put and doing just what you had planned (new school etc.) with your ds. It will keep stability and calm in his life despite the other changes. Give yourself a year to get over the anger and hate and then make some decisions about what is best for you and your son. And through it all, just try to remember this about men...body of 40, mental age of 12. Imagine how a 12 year old boy would deal with a situation and that's probably what you will get from your ex. And don't forget, no matter how nice your ex's woman is to your ds, you will always be his mother and he will never ever love her more than you. Let him have a healthy relationship with her (one where he isn't made to feel that he is doing something wrong by having fun with her) and it will only make your bond with him stronger.

It feels really good to talk to people who know what i mean!!Friends have been great but(thankfully)they don't quite know what its like.Thanks so much for advice and warm welcome!actually asked DS about schools,and he said he still wants to go to new one--perhaps i am worrying too much!!as i said,he is handling it all much better than me,told me not to worry and that i'll find someone else to marry me!!part of me doesn't want to be running away,but it also feels hard to stay.I suppose i'd best not do anything drastic until i'm abit calmer!!

You know, I think boys deal with this a lot more matter of fact'ly. My stepson just kind of got on with things while my stepdaughter continued to tell her father (my dh) that all she wanted for christmas was for him to get back together with her mum and this even continued long after dh and I were married.
It really does help to just talk about it over and over and over again. And I do highly recommend corresponding solely by email with your ex for awhile. And don't send any emails until you have slept on them. It really does work. I also found that it was useful to have my ex's emails to show to my friends so they really would believe that I wasn't making his passive aggressive gaslight behavior up.

im perfectly happy for my childrent o have a relationship with their father, infact im encouraging it.he's only been gone a week and he's already seen them a few times.we've arranged for two days a week where he comes round for the morning and go to the park etc.im being very civil to him and haven't shouted at him once but the girlfriend situation im not happy with my children knowing about that yet.its too much for them to take in.she is the main reason he left me ad the children and i dont want her having anything to do with them.she's got her own childen, of which two dont live with her.why???? they are all young children.i feel that until e's been in a relationship wth her for a while its of o interest to the children to pset them even more.next week they might not even be together! if my ex was in a serious relationship and ended up getting married etc at some point then obviously she would have tobe introduced gradually and they could form their own opinions of her, who knows,i might like her myself.at the moment they avent mentioned e and daddy getting back together and are js trying to get used to the fact that daddy isnt here when they go to bed etc and doesnt live with us anymore.in my eyes, he woman knew he had a family, shes got a broken family herself and she was wrong to be with him knowing the heartache that it would leave behind for us and the children.i have no intentions of getting to know her or her having anything to do with my children for a very long time.as far as im aware from ex, she doesnt want anything to do with them anyway.im trying to stay friends with him to keep things better for the children on his visits.i never talk badly of him infront of them and always give them kisses from him and tell them that he loves them.im doing the best i can for my children when inside im screaming and crying.i dont think i could take him back even if he came crawling on his knees.there's no trust left now and alot of doubts in my mind