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Original poster

What would you do??

31 replies

BrookeandTaylorsmummy · 12/08/2006 16:54

This is also in the legal bit but someone suggested here too so here I go, again! Not sure where to start. I have 2 children dd 20 months ds 6.5 months. My ex dh and I separated summer 05 (his decision- well he dropped me and dd at my nans house and never came back)and subsequently are getting divorced. Ex dh has not seen dd since 26th July 05 and never met or acknowledged ds. When ds was born I called exdh from the hosp to say that we had a son exdh said 'oh well whatever' and put the phone down. He has not contributed in anyway to their ubringing, no cards presents at birthday and xmas for dd. No maintenance payments either despite csa being involved (no surprise there really). I petitioned for the divorce in oct '05 for which I got huge amounts of verbal and mental abuse and nasty text messages from exdh, he still hasn't acknowledged it but through varuious affidavits for deemed service etc I have managed to get the courts to dissolve the marriage and I am waiting for decree nisi now. When my son was born he took my maiden name. When dd was born she took my married name and I am going to get that changed to my maiden name again through the courts as he will not give his permission (even though he doesn't want to see or have anything to do with her). I'm sorry it has taken this long to get to the point my question is what should I do regarding dissolving his parental responsibility to dd and ds? Is it my decision to make? Should I leave the decision to the children for when they are older (bearing in mind dd is 20 months and ds is 6.5 months)? I'm a bit lost and could do with some advice/opinions and a little cheering up because this is getting me a bit down now, thank you

OP posts:
nellie245 · 12/08/2006 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

donnie · 12/08/2006 18:59

poor you. Your ex sounds like a total arse, if you will forgive my candidness! Surely it is your decision - and in time your children will be able to think about the option of getting in contact with him should they wish to, but you will have to tell htem he never bothered. YOU call the shots here - noone else IMO. Good luck.

Original poster
BrookeandTaylorsmummy · 12/08/2006 20:29

Thank you so much I feel a lttle better now so thank you just a shame for dd & ds

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 12/08/2006 20:32

I don't think you can get PR dissolved just like that if you were married but I'm no lawyer.

Sorry you've had such a horrible time though. They say the best revenge is living well so I think you've just got to do the best you can with your children, so let them see him/vice versa if they want to when they're older, don't bad mouth him (tempting I know) and be as happy as you can be.

Sympathy.

Original poster
BrookeandTaylorsmummy · 12/08/2006 20:36

It is tempting but I grew up with my grandparents and have never known who my father was so I have started to put together a memory box for them with pictures of him and other bits and pieces so they'll always know, just wished he cared as much, makes me think what did they do to deserve this, a question I'll never get the answer to I guess. Thank you all for your kind messages

OP posts:
donnie · 14/08/2006 20:16

a memory box is a lovely idea, you sound like a fabulous mummy!!

CaligulaCorday · 14/08/2006 20:34

Fathers, married or otherwise, automatically get PR and you would have to have a very good case to get rid of that. If you ring the One Parent Family helpline (it's free and confidential) they'll give you some good advice. Link is here

Original poster
BrookeandTaylorsmummy · 14/08/2006 20:46

Thank you I never knew that site existed, I will call them tomorrow, thank you again xx

OP posts:
Mattna · 01/09/2006 11:44

How did you get on Brooke and Taylors mummy? I am in a similar situation - married when both my ds (2.5yr and 9mnth) were born, although only 6wks preg with ds2 when ex h left me. Consequently, ds2 took my maiden name which I have now taken after divorce, but ds1 still has married name. I'm sure ex h will object if i suggest to change - but we have not seen him since March (for his b'day party, and I don't want him to be different to me and ds2.

You are very good doing a memory box, I'm sure I'm not brave enough to do that - is it painful?

nineinchnipples · 01/09/2006 12:00

Hi, brookeandtaylorsmummy here (changed my name due to a feeding incident with ds )

I am so sorry you have gone through this too, no-one deserves this, not us and not our children.

I have spoken to my solicitor and she says I should carry on with the way I am going, leave him with the pr as it makes little material significance. SHe advised me to keep records of every bit of correspondence etc (I send him emails and updated pics every couple months in the vain hope that he might recall that his a father) so that if one day he does disagree with something I decide for the children and takes it to court or something I have all this evidence to show he really doesn't care at all and is just being difficult, iyswim.

Doing the memory box is a bit painful for me but also I know that I am doing the right thing so in a way the pain gets cancelled out (does that make sense) the pain does get less and less each day though.

With regard to changing dd's surname I am waiting for the decree absolute and then I am getting a court order (I believe it is a section 21 order not sure) to change it. It will go through the courts and he will be asked to attend, if he doesn't it will still go through, I have asked him countless times for his permission to change it but he hasn't given it to me. Why should my daughter grow up with the name of a father who cares so very very little for her?

Its a horrible time but it wont last forever, at the moment I feel like a I cannot truly move on until it has all been done, but I am getting there and getting more positive as time goes on and you will too. I am always here if you need a chat x

shebnem · 01/09/2006 13:17

i cannot understand the psycological situation of these kind of men. what r they absolutely called?
i have a similar case.
i am in a situation that i really need help for her upbringing but he just asks her pictures and then disappears.
what r these men called? what is going on in their mind?
can they be treated or cured?

Judy1234 · 01/09/2006 14:42

There are loads of them but there is no publicity for it. There are more of them than men who are denied contact. I asked my ex when he left if he wanted photographs. Didn't one, not a single one of any of the 5 children and not even on going school photos for the youngest ones. He will always be there father but in practice a lot of these men don't act like fathers. I thnk there aer lots of things that could be done. On divorce they could be given a booklet saying what is expected of a father after divorce. there could be TV ads showing good father with chidlren after a split and bad rather never seeing child. There could be an email each month from a child officer getting the man to confirm how much he has seen the child; a survey every year - to see if they even know child's teacher's name or what the child is interested in etc. But there is nothing like this at all. There isn't even a right to make them look after their chidlren a bit or have them for a week of school holidays. The law supports the take it or leave it occasional father who has the children as a rare hobby if he has nothing better to do.

shebnem · 01/09/2006 15:16

i agree with you Xenia.
the fathers must be pushed to take responsibility. equal responsibility, like when they had while making the children. and i see this very, very important.

fattiemumma · 01/09/2006 15:22

I think your right to promote a reltionship whilst they are young but if its not going to happne its just not goigto happen.

The memory box is a fab idea. not only will it be good for the kids to see where they came from but it will also show them that it wasn't you tgat witheheld their father from them.

pedilia · 01/09/2006 15:25

my ex is one of these men, he dragged me through court for PR. I have never denied him contact yet he is not interested, he turns up for sporadic contact but is not interested in DS1'S schooling, interets,friends or anything.

CSA are invovled but in the past 3 years they have not been able yo get a penny from him. DS1 is 5 now and is staring to realsie what his Dad is like broken promises etc.

Problem is you cannot force thses men to be responsible.

shebnem · 01/09/2006 16:02

i agree we cannot push them to take responsibility, they wont have it. and in fact some of them enjoy as we're having difficult life as single mums which is a kind of abuse.
in my opinion it can be done through some ways - the ways Xenia mentioned and by law, etc.
i think this is a problem to be solved, otherwise there will be many single mums suffering around with ex partners ran away enjoying life as they like.

nineinchnipples · 01/09/2006 16:18

My solicitor advised that I could get a court order that meant he would have to see Brooke and Taylor regularly for set times but said that when/if they found out he was 'made' to see them they could feel resentment towards me and that was something I was not prepared to risk. I am doing everything I can to allow my children to have the very best life possible, kinda hard on my own but its what I want to do. Each and every struggle I face and overcome is like a little kick in to balls to my ex and I like that feeling. Like I have said before I sleep sound at night knowing I have done nothing wrong I doubt he can.
I agree with xenia and I am sure that if more of us fabulous mums in these horible situations, thanks to the sad excuses of men we have encountered, stuck together and made it more known that some men are doing this, changes could be made. Look at fathers for justice, how about mums for........... I can't think of anything right now but there are loads of clever people on here so maybe someone could come up with something????
I had an urge to call my ex today to give him a mouthful but I knew it wouldn't be worth it, it would only make me feel worse, just wish I could get that 'closure' (hate that phrase) and move on with my life with my beautiful babies. OOOh it makes me so
p.s. does anyone know how to make pictures the right size to upload onto here, I'm crap and can't do it.

shebnem · 01/09/2006 17:10

i think a new thread can be started about how to push fathers to their responsibilities.
it is obvious we cant push them but we will be able to see what people will suggest about it.

nineinchnipples · 01/09/2006 19:28

SOunds good to me, has it been started yet I've been putting my little beans to bed, bless them

MummyandJess · 01/09/2006 21:37

BrookeandTaylorsmummy Im sorry if you have already mentioned this but did you ex give you a reason for leaving? There is a reason I am asking as my sister is going through the exact same thing now, only she was at work and he was ment to pick their ds up from School and never showed and they haven't seen him since and he took everything while my sister was at work, he also is a complete w**r and has nothing to do with his ds so I can give you some advice if you want on what my sister done!

nineinchnipples · 01/09/2006 22:37

Hi, brookeandtaylorsmummy here (name change due to feeding incident!) he didnt give me a specific reason, when I was being silly and calling him and begging him to take me back he said he wasn't sure and needed time, little did I know he was shacked up with a barmaid from the pub where he was a doorman! How awful for your sister , what was his reason? If you dont mind me asking

MummyandJess · 02/09/2006 12:13

His reason was--are you ready for this..... he thought he could have been gay!! Can you belive that? Very much like you he was also shaking up with another woman! What an excuse atleast your ex hasn't tried humouring you with that 1 lol

MummyandJess · 02/09/2006 12:14

That was shacking up not shaking up lol altho I suppose what ever flots his boat really eh? lol

nineinchnipples · 02/09/2006 15:45

OMG OMG OMG!! Sorry for the delay, how awful for youe sister, how long ago did that happen? How is she doing? OMG

Emskilou · 03/09/2006 17:44

Hello, emskilou aka nineinchnipples aka brookeandtaylorsmummy here, changed my name loads I know. Had a crap day today, spoke to ex, asked him when he was going to see the children he said he didn't know, I asked if he wanted to see the children, he said he didn't know he also said he was moving to Slovakia (sp?) in 5 weeks time. Made me mad, but I kept my cool and just said I think I'd better go, he said yeah ok I'll speak to you soon, I said I doubted it very much and put the phone down. I feel like shit now and so anyone there??