I wasn't sure if I should put this in relationships of lone parents but I think it is probably more suitable here.
I will try to sum this up as best as I can. It is going around and around in my head and I don't know what to think or do. i apologise for the length.
My husband and I are in the process of divorcing. We separated when my daughter was nearly 8 months old. We were still in love, we had problems though and my husband is not a big one for communicating effectively. He finds it very difficult to say exactly what he wants or means. I have often encouraged him to talk and sometimes he has managed to, but it is almost painful for him to be completely honest.
After the separation he went off 'to get his head together' leaving me alone with no money. I was angry and upset and we argued over the phone and by email. I went to see a solicitor to find out where I stood. They tried contacting him about seeing our daughter and he did not respond to them.
We had to sell our home (there was no equity in it) and my daughter and I moved to a small property alone. He sporadically came and saw her up until April/May 2012. I arranged these meetings and allowed him to come to our house even though there had been some bad behaviour on his part (a relationship with a girl which he denied - said they were friends - I don't think this was true)
In late April/early May 2012 (cannot remember exactly) I drove my daughter (she was 1 year 5 months at this time) over to see him at work. We went to the playground and played. All was ok - we looked to be on the right track. I was still in love with my husband and we had spent the night together a day or so before and he had told me that he loved me.
After that day he did not see her again. I called and texted. He either ignored the calls or said he was too busy and had too much work and could not get away. He is a self employed carpenter.
In August of that year, our house sale was finally going through. He tried to stop the sale of the house by saying that if he did not get the extra money on the property (about £25,000 which was made on the property had to then pay off our unsecured loan with the same mortgage company) he would not agree to the sale finalising. The people buying the property, the estate agent and the company providing the legal services all said to me, do not give him the money. Why would you? He is being unreasonable and you cannot be expected to authorise that money to go to him when you have a joint unsecured loan and you may never see that money again. His reasoning was that he wanted to pay off other debts first and should be allowed to decide which debts were paid first and which were more important. I dug my heels in and finally he relented and allowed the sale of the property to go through and he told me what he thought of me.
I did not hear from him again until Sunday although I have spent a lot of time over the last year and a half trying to contact him. I have left voicemails, texts, emails, I have written cards etc. I had initiated divorce proceeding in April of this year as legal aid was coming to an end and it seemed a case of now or never. I had an address for him but could only assume he was still there. In August I received his own divorce petition through the post and it stated that he was living at a different address. He had not informed me. He was living a 15 minute drive away from us. I went to this address and saw him outside. The shock was immense. I knew he must be living with a woman. There was another car outside the property along with his van. I tried calling him to say that I had received the petition but no answer. I sent a nice card saying I hope you have settled in and giving a few details about our daughter starting nursery. Still nothing from him. My solicitor contacted his. He was going through an on-line divorce solicitor (probably to avoid paying too much) and we heard nothing back from him even though we specifically asked him to set out a proposal of how he envisioned visitations to proceed.
He did not contact her on her third birthday in December. No present and no card. Again at Christmas there was no communication from him.
I am starting a job this coming week in the small town where he lives. I left a message weeks ago to let him know this. I have asked what will happen when we bump into him. He ignores all contact. On Saturday I knocked on his front door knowing he would probably be at work and a woman answered. I was holding my daughters hand and introduced myself and asked if she was my husbands girlfriend. She confirmed this. I shook her hand and explained that I needed to discuss our daughter and outstanding finances and he continually ignored us. She said 'I know he really wants to see X'. I asked whey he would not contact me then. She said she did not know but that she thought he was scared. The next morning I got a call from him. The only time I get a call is when he fears his girlfriend might hear something bad about him.
I asked for an explanation. I said his mother had confirmed his mobile number (she had) and I knew he had got my messages, I said I wanted a landline number before we could begin to discuss visitation as we need to build trust and i need to be assured this is not going to happen again. He kept saying 'I am not going to discuss the past'. No explanation as to why he stopped paying child maintenance for a whole year or why he has avoided the CSA. I think that now he is living with someone he does not want bailiffs on his doorstep (how embarrassing - how would you explain that to the girlfriend?!). He would not discuss our outstanding loan. He asked nothing about how we have coped or managed, financially, emotionally or practically. I said we were getting no where and that I had to get off the phone as I was in a hurry. I emailed him that night to set out reasonable demands: correct contact details, to discuss outstanding debt, to set out a visitation proposal, to explain where and what he had been doing and why he had not seen or looked after his child. I also tried to contact him by text but he did not reply. Last night I received an email saying he was not happy to verbally discuss financial matters with me and will require all concerns to be put in writing so that they may be dealt with fairly and legally. (I have always forwarded official letters when I have had an address for him).
He stated his only reason for calling was to discuss a possibility of starting to see our daughter and to set a time and place for this to take place and not to discuss the past or financial matters. He stated that he thought my criteria was unreasonable (apart from a contact telephone number which you will receive when I start seeing X prior to her leaving your direct supervision) and wrote that if you are not prepared to allow me to see X I have no choice but to apply to the civil courts.
I don't know what to think. He does not respond to solicitors asking him to discuss his daughter and then says he will apply to the courts so that I have no choice. I always wanted him to have a relationship with her but he has destroyed all trust by behaving unreliably, irresponsibly and by putting himself and his social life before the well being of his very young child. I have coped alone. I am so upset and angry that he is behaving in this way.
What do people suggest I do? He seems to not wish to pay the large debt - even half of it, even though he has been earning a decent wage and I have not worked since being pregnant and have been forced onto benefits due to this awful situation. I am starting to earn again next week Thank God!
How do we proceed? I so desperately want my daughter to have a loving father but he is not acting like that. He is still being selfish and putting his own needs first. How do I not feel so upset by the betrayal and abandonment and his neglect? He refuses to explain, presumably because it rakes up the past and makes him feel shameful and he does not like that feeling. He wants to be seen as a good guy. His girlfriend is a teacher - would she not be mortified if she knew that this man avoided the CSA and now only pays the bare minimum and never gets in tough with his little girl etc etc
When did I become the enemy? I have extended the olive branch so many times. Whey won't he communicate with me. I do not trust him with my daughter after everything. I really need some help and advice.