Positive Experiences of Lone Parenting

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Hello all,

I lurk around here quite a bit, but have not posted in a long while. After the initial difficult period in managing the split, I've settled into just getting on with things (although the Ex can every now and again be a dick it doesn't bother me).

I have been taking stock recently, and have been thinking a lot about things. I have realised that my experience of lone parenting is a positive one. I have a wonderfully supportive, loving, and involved family, a good job which is flexible, supportive colleagues, and a great set of friends.

I'm very lucky - I do realise how lucky I am. Don't get me wrong, it's all a juggle, and I'm never on top of everything, but that's just the joy of having kids!

I never wanted to be on my own. I never wanted to have children outside of marriage - I'm quite traditional in that sense. But now I'm here, I think this is working for me, and I'm much better off than I would have been with the ex.

Thing is, this leaves me not really feeling like I identify with other single mums. I have a couple of single mum friends, but we have very different circumstances, and thus views on things, and have found it difficult at times talking to them about things. Equally, it's difficult for others with no kids or not on their own to understand.

I guess I'm looking to talk to someone who understands. So please come share with me. Do you get where I'm coming from?

I am loving single parenthood. It's got all the best bits of raising kids, and I get a break at weekends. I only have myself and the kids to think of, to clean up after, to feed, and to deal with. I can make decisions without consulting anyone else (although for big ones, I'll ring their dad and talk to him, like choice of schools and similar things that he'll want input into). Now I'm not living with their dad, I find we get on far better, so there's that too. I get a social life (I didn't before) and space to be not-a-parent, whilst still having his support with the kids, who are happy and settled. There's no bad atmosphere at home any more and so they have two happy homes.

Of course, there are downsides, money and sometimes the feeling that I get to deal with bloody everything from blocked toilets to everyone coming down ill at the same time. But in general, I'm pretty happy.

Thanks Dwerf - I feel this way too.

I'm finding one of the biggest sticking points is either people feeling sorry for me because I don't have a partner/ Dad in the house. It's hard to explain to them that I don't feel that way, and in some ways feel like I get the best of both worlds.

The other one (and I get this most from my other single mum friends amongst others) is that I'm in no rush to get into another relationships or (and I hate at this one) "find someone to complete the family". I don't feel like I'm missing out by not having someone serious in my life and don't feel my son looses out either.

Do you find this?

It's been over three years and I've not had anyone significant in that time. We did briefly get back together but that was a bit of a disaster.

I don't see how your son loses out by you not having a partner, if his dad is still in the picture, or you have male friends/relatives about, then he's not lacking that male influence. Most kids would prefer their mother's stay single, for a bit at least. I don't think rushing a new fella in is a good idea at all. I think I'd give it six months of dating before I introduced someone new.

The only time I miss a bloke in the house is when I could really really do with some physical company, naked or otherwise. But aside from that, barely at all.

I love it - have always been a single parent but I don't feel like I'm a lone parent at all. My daughter's father and I split up before I even knew I was pregnant. He's a brilliant dad and there's no animosity there. I get an evening off every week, weekends are split so half/half then full then half/half then weekend off. I have a great support network etc…. I know I'm lucky but sort of think this is how it should be - I should be the example, not the anomaly. It's never been hard, or no harder than for someone in a relationship and I often think I have it far easier than them.

I have no wish to get into another relationship at all. I have been single now for 5 years and the idea of sharing my happy little world with someone is off-putting. They'd have to be ridiculously special.

My daughter's father is in a new relationship. I am very pleased for him and really like his girlfriend as does my daughter. It's win/win all round here.

Brilliant thread OP!

I love it too - time off once a fortnight, and I can concentrate on the kids - not on keeping xdh happy, and he's far more reasonable now than before...

I have a NP (not that new - 7 years now!) but he visits a few nights a fortnight, and I stay at his on the eow. Best case scenario, really.

I think that the divided attention between a partner and the DC's was way more difficult than our current arrangement, but maybe that's just cos xdh was a bit needy, and didn't really take to parenthood for the first 8 years (he's grown up a bit since...)

I do feel that saying 'being a single parent is brill' is a bit bad when I'm talking to others that struggle more, or don't have any time off ever from their DC's. And I do feel sorry for myself whenever a DC has an asthma attack needing emergency medical attention in the middle of the night! Still, the others are great at getting out of bed and coming with us to the hospital.

Harmony in the house. (Note, no real money or exh issues, so that helps). I must say between the 4 of us it's fantastic and EASY. Sometimes I feel a bit lonely for my dp full time, but complications with my dp and his dc, are making living together an impossiblity. So I am coming around to the idea that it's just us 4 full time. It's always been great, I think I just needed a change of mind set and that has definitely helped.

Not ironing man shirts :D No cross/conflicting parenting :D Choices like what to cook, what to watch, where to go, easy peasy...! :D Not so easy from memory when I was married! Oh and the mountains of laundry (from exh, not dc) ....... I don't miss that!

Thanks for starting this thread! I've been feeling like there's something wrong with me... I'm pregnant and potentially going to be on my own. The dad doesn't know what he wants! But I'm not scared of the thought of being on my own. In fact I kind of like the thought. Is that wrong?
I'm really close to my mom and sisters so I know I wouldn't be alone. Ive been feeling like maybe I should try and be with the dad but if he doesn't want us then I'm better to be happy on my own than unhappy in a relationship!

love your thread! apart from feeling a little lonely now and again its a positive experience on the whole, no DRAMA with a massive capital D, no arguments or dispute etc etc, my attention and love completely for my kids, although i do fall out with my eldest about watching towie lol...but for now i live in a nice little bubble with my babies, a teen, 5yr and 3yr twins, we have our little routine and quite happy with it, is not nice being the single mum inverted commars but am so used to it now, been single for 4 yrs almost:0..will take a special person to burst that bubble:)

Thank you for this thread. I am a single mum to be, 17 weeks into my pregnancy. The father and I split before knowing I was pregnant and he has come back to say he wants no involvement, although I am fully prepared for that to change at any time.

The past few months have been difficult as I prepare to do this alone, and being apart from family has meant it is particularly daunting. In this time however, I have found a new family through my friends and I know that whatever happens bub and I will have everything that we need, irrespective of the father.

There are a lot of horror stories around which I admit make me very nervous given I don't know what is in store for me, so it is great to read the positive stories

Please keep them coming.

I don't know if my life is easier but I am definitively happier.

I have found that days are much less frustrating and i am generally feeling more relaxed since he moved out. Keeping on top of the house and ds' behaviour is also a doodle.

I think that as long as you don't decide to drown yourself in self pity, being a single parent is such an empowering experience. I love it.

Aww, thanks everyone, nice to know there are others out there who feel the same!

I do love that it is me and DS and there are no battles and drama - we just get on with things.

Don't get me wrong, it has it's moments, but for me I don't think it's any harder than for those mothers with partners. It gets my back up at times when people assume that they should feel sorry for me!

Like PolarBear said, it would have to be special and oh so right to bring someone else into this mix now.

Just keep in mind Giant, that many people who post in the Lone Parents threads, do so to seek help during difficulties, so don't think that most of them are having a bad time. They are just requesting help when they need it.

Some splits are straight forward and some are long and protracted. The latter are particularly damaging as it is far more difficult to keep things peaceful when going through the split and afterwards (ie. if you were left for another woman, while pregnant, with a toddler and no job you will have a completely different experience of the split and issues to cope with than if you left your ex at a time you both wanted out, and had similar salaries, assets and ideas on children contact and care).

ps. please also note that it may not be harder for you than those with partners because you may have a good income, a responsible expartner/husband and the support of your family.When any of these things is not there, things can get very complicated.

MeMySon - I realise what you are saying here, but I was very careful about my wording for that exact reason.

I am clear that for me I don't feel it is harder, and that I am very lucky, and I realise this.

I thought I was also quite clear that I was looking to talk to people who could understand my feelings because those I know in RL are having difficulties due to difficult splits and different circumstances, so I know only too well that our experiences can vary wildly.

However atm I feel unable to be honest about how I feel about it because I am lucky and am in the position that I quite enjoy it.

It's not that I don't understand or want to support others. But my experience has been quite different, and for some reason that's not very easy to express, or even very acceptable to some people. Like I'm expected to feel like I'm missing out or disadvantaged in some way, or feel sorry for myself for some reason.

Sorry - this is all a bit of verbal diarrhoea , am I making any sense?

Yes some poeople think that don't they, like we should explain why we might prefer being single!

I actually DO like not having the bother of somebody and have had no real serious boyfriend since my son was born he is now nearly 9 and I really don't mind.

Perhaps some people just aren't very self-sufficient!

For those who were on this thread were happy/ wanted to her about some positive experiences... I just wanted to let you know how my week has been -

Last weekend DS and I spent Saturday swimming and then cooking soup in the afternoon (to freeze). He went to bed then I chilled out watching a film. Sunday we went to the park, met up with a friend of mine and had some coffee and cake at the pub!

I've been to work Monday and Tuesday (with a trek to London on Tues) while DS went to nursery - he painted me a lovely picture of a snowman, and when we got home played with his dinosaurs.

On Wednesday I had the day off and we chilled out then went for a walk and play in the park, meeting up with another Mum friend and her son. Then I went to the cinema with a friend of mine while DS was with babysitter.

Yesterday I went to work (trek to Nottingham so a bit hectic) while DS was in nursery. Today I am working from home, DS in nursery and his dad will pick him up from there.

My house is a state as have been too busy to keep successfully on top of it (mostly ironing!) but I have had a lovely week playing with DS and his dinosaurs and going to work.

Then tonight I am out with a group of mummy friends - every month we have a night out that we call Freedom Friday where we got out without the kids for dinner and some drinks. Then tomorrow I am going to London to see a friend to celebrate her birthday - I'll come back Sunday and DS's dad will drop him off early evening.

I know I'm lucky, I know I have good circumstances and there are things that I don't have to worry about that others do.

But I've had a lovely week - and I wanted those on here who were about to enter into single motherhood to know that it's not all doom and gloom. And that it can' be wonderful and enjoyable.

thank you to everyone for this thread. I'm 15+5 today, ExP left when I was 11 weeks. I find it very easy to focus on all the difficulties that I will have ahead of me, and none of the fun times.

Msdanski and firstpglivingabroad, like you guys, I have been single throughout pregnancy and my little boy is now 15 months. His dad has never met him. I can honestly say I love it and I feel lucky that I have had this experience. I am getting my social life back and got a good circle of friends and a Neighbour's daughter who babysit. I've taken DS to Spain and India and it's just bloody brilliant watching him grow up. It helps that my work is very flexible so I can do 2/3 days a week and just about get by. I think work has been a good outlet as meanS I really value the time I spend with him.
It was tough a the beginning, but a new baby is always tough, whether you as alone or in a relationship.
Congrats on the pregnancies!

Thank you for this thread - just what I needed! Confabulation a to those expecting!
I've been separated for 2 years and although part of me misses the closeness of a partner, I love my little home and the fact that DS (6) and I have our own space. My DS has had quite a few problems with severe dyspraxia and it has been really hard but I'm lucky that I have a great support network. He's doing great now though and is just such good company.
I love the fact that we can do what we want, go to the beach at 6am in the morning (DS is not a great sleeper!!), dance around the house to music and be generally silly! If we fancy slobbing on the sofa and having a pyjama day we can.
I've been looking at holidays today for the summer, not been brave enough to do it on my own yet, but think it's the next step.

Congratulations not confabulation! Where did that come from?!?

Four years for me and overall much prefer it

I have two teens though and when stuff arises with them it's tough on my own but still a nicer life for me but I can't answer for them.

Firstpg - congratulations.

Thanks to all who have posted. It's lovely to know I'm not on my own, and that I can talk about it without being jumped on :)

I do have my moments, and it can be hard, but DS makes it all worthwhile, and I'm never happier than when I'm with him and we are just getting on with things.

You are very lucky to have so much support. I am a recently lone parent and am truly alone. Family disowned me for daring to leave a nasty dv situation. Ex is a wanker and unsafe. Have no friends or family totally alone and may lose house as ex threatening to stop mortgage payments. So posts like yours make me feel even more like crap. Have no idea where to get support

So yes u cant really identify with other single mums so maybe dont try

I am just so tired of fighting so stressed didnt mean to hijack thread am just struggling so much am so alone