Practicalities of overnights to avoid pitfalls please! History of DV/EA

[NewBeginningsSnoopy]

Firstly if you want to write negative, unhelpful stuff, please move on somewhere else :-)

Please can I have practical advice re: overnights for 4 and 7 y.o

I'd like to hear about:

Your method of communicating with ex?

What things you communicate and how?

In case of emergency?

Communicating with the children over 24 hour period? Necessary or unneccessary? Cause unneccessary upset? By phone? Saying goodnight?

Clothes. I'm thinking there should just be clothes for each house that get washed in each house and stay there. (Previous negative experience of this. Advice about this really welcomed)

Anything else I should troubleshoot?

Please if you have no experience of DV or EA, don't comment at all. Thanks :-)

Come on MN gurus I need you! :-)

Exs contact is court ordered and I have a residency order.

Regarding holidays I tell him in advance by text what extra nights contact he is having. For the first few months, every date given was an issue. I have consistently refused to engage, I simply resend the original text message and he now simply accepts. I think the message may finally be getting through.

As part of contact conditions, the children have to have access to a mobile phone at all times. The signal is notoriously bad where he lives so contact can be sporadic. Depending on how tense things are, or how upset the kuds are about OWs snidey digs they might ring or Facetime me every couple of hours. Other werkends, they might be happy with a few texts.

With regards clotes etc, Ex and Ow are huge game players when it comes to the kids clothes. Again, the kuds court officer instructed him to provide EVERYTHING that the children need during contact. Having said that, he still dtops them off on Sunday nights with school jumpers, shoes etc missing. It gives them a kick if I am pissed off so again, I REFUSE to engage.

I will only text him if the children have been ill just before contact. He us supposed to do the same but doesn't. Kids are old enough now mostly yo tell me if they've been poorly.

I really do avoud any communication unless absolutely necessary.

What age are your kids please Monet and Serabim?

EA and DV towards the children too in my case. This is court ordered obviously. The kids don't have a phone! 7 and 4.

OP. The issues you are asking advice about don't only apply to people who have suffered DV. I haven't, my partner hasn't yet we have "clothes and communication" issues all the time

If he's an arse: Keep communication via text or email. Phone calls for emergencies only and it must be a call not a text. (DSS's mum text DP at 2am when e was in A&E) and unsurprisingly we didn't hear the text go off as we were asleep so didn't know until the morning! Can you get a cheap mobile and give him that number. Then you can keep it on when the kids are with him and switch it off if he's being an arse by text whilst the kids are with you.

Clothes. Definitely clothes at each house. Whatever they come to you in wash and send them back in otherwise you may find he keeps what you send them in and sends them back in crap. If he does it once just send them back in the same crap. This isn't great but otherwise you end up losing all their nice stuff. We change my stepchildren into what they need to take back to their mums before they go so they only wear it in be car for a few minutes.

X

I would again state that this thread be kept for cases of DV and EA only please. These are specific instances involving controlling, abusive and/or violent men. Thank you.

I think Mumtobes grinning face was completely innapropriate and shows a complete lack of empathy. Sick of people being unable to read an OP and then step away from the keyboard. I may just register on a car forum and tell them how to replace a car engine. Except I WOULDN'T cos I know fuck all sbout the reality of it.

Snoopy my kids have also been victims of the violence. He and OW are now on a charm offensive to prove that he is not actually a violent man, hence the stepping up of the control and abuse in other ways. I cannot begin to tell you how liberating it is to know how little power he now has. I can even look back on the last three years and be so proud at how, with the help of the courts, I got my life back. If court proceedings have just finished for you, it's likely that he will up his 'game' with regards trying to claw back control. Remember, stay calm, disengage and repeat the same message until he gets it.
Good luck and here's to a brighter future for you and the children

Thanks Monet. I'm a bit lost at the moment as to how to deal with it all! It is good advice to stay calm and disengage!

Glad to be able to help a bit. Keep posting- there are loads of us on here dealing with abusive Exs every day. Or ferl free to pm me. It's sometimes easier that way.

Communication: Text or email normally. I avoid discussions face to face or on the phone as he either twists my words or blatantly lies and tells me I've said/agreed to stuff I haven't. With email or text there is a record of what has been agreed and I can also think about what I'm going to say before I reply.

The first exception to this is in an emergency when we phone. He phoned me straight away when youngest collapsed at his and needed an ambulance. I called him when oldest broke their arm at mine.

If kids are at his for the weekend, I don't usually phone them unless there is a special reason to. If they are with him for a longer period, I speak to them every other day. Ex very rarely phones kids when they are with me.

Clothes. We have separate sets of clothes. I wash and iron the stuff he sends them back in and return it on next contact weekend. He is supposed to do the same with 'my' clothes. I usually get them back but they are often not washed and they are never ironed. I avoid sending DC2 (2.5) in their nice stuff in case I don't get in back. DC1 (4) goes to his in school uniform.

We do hand overs at a neutral location half way between our homes. Partly this is practical as he lives some distance away but it is also because I do not want him at my house. He is not welcome and I don't want him strutting around like he owns the place. I always take off DC1s school shoes before I drop them off and replace with cheaper footwear as he has form for losing (and not replacing) expensive school shoes.

There was most EA in my relationship but DV ,once
with my DS in my arms... Mine never went to court but in managing him..I found if he was been unreasonable and started getting abusive towards me. I simply hung up on him..he escualted switched approach from supportive/ abusive/demanding to get the response he wanted...didn't work he had lost control of me...He was never really interested in DS only a way to see me...I also found he would message things designed to prevoke a reaction...I purposely ignred these and dealt with the issues that needed dealing with.

So in terms of managing it...All contact either email or text... You can get a cheap phone for contact to be through that then he has no way of contacting you when you are out and about and mid night unless kids are with him...

Mine never got to court but after contact centre I did contact at soft play so drop off was in a public place. this was also recommended by refuge...

good luck

Thank you for your posts starlight and jabber. I am considering the phone ssituation....

Agree with handover in a public place, preferably with (visible) security cameras and lots of people around. Supermarkets are good. I wouldn't bother to try getting a phonecall in a single 24 hour period as this can so easily be hijacked and cause the DC's and you more anxiety than it is worth.

I think I see what you mean but not sure. What ways might they hijack phone conversations? Thanks :-)

The one problem I see with phone contact during his time is it is then turned..You don't even leave them 24 hours without talking to them why should I...

Also in terms of the kids, he may well be listenng, misinterupting one side of a conversation which would cause more problems for the children.

This is my worst nightmare court ordered access.

In my situation exFW has no contact with dd now. She was getting so upset and he was playing terrible mind fucks on her and was breaking the law and putting her in danger. I have refused him access for now.

I doubt he will take me to court he's to much of an arse to bother about dd unless its to spite/get at me.

Do they really change. I really wish he would be responsible and take care of dd properly, I really wish he'd put his own petty shit to the side and do what's best for her but I can't see it happening.

The only way I dont get upset communicating with him is by email and remaining detached.

I posted because I have experience that means I can give good tried and tested advice to the things you asked for advice about such as clothes, phone calls and communication. From reading the other replies you can see my advice is pretty much inline with what others have said. The potential problems you have asked for advice on affect many people in many circumstances. I took the time to try and help you with what you asked for help about..

I find your posts quite rude and a little
odd. If you want to pick and choose who posts on your threads then this is not the place.

How funny you post to thank people who have given similar advice to me who state they've experiences DV but are rude and dismissive about my post as I haven't.

The smiley face in my original post ( for the poster who mentioned it) was just a smile. A smile to be nice, friendly and say "I know the issues you are facing, I have faced them too ie communication issues, clothes, contact, calls etc"

To give you some hope.

My ex was ea and violent on occasion. I've implimented a lot of the boundaries advised on this thread, email only except in emergencies etc. He kicked up some fuss to begin with but it has now settled down. He sees ds a bit when it suits him (after rabbiting on about 50/50) and mainly leaves me alone. We can speak at handover in a way that appears friendly (although of course I would rather never set eyes on him again ever). We even organise each other presents and cards from toddler (ds loves doing this).

Mostly if he emails me I don't answer straight away and just reply 'ok'. Spend as little time as you can giving him head space as getting stressed out about 'what ifs' only allows him to still dominate you.

Don't give him any easy excuses eg I act supremely unbothered about his girlfriend as he was very keen to tell everyone I was the bitter ex unhappy about him moving on. I hope that this will indirectly show her what a liar he is.

mumtobe your advice was good and the bit about a separate mobile phone ect was spot on. You don't need to have experienced DA to give advice about detaching and not leaving yourself open to more game playing

I also took te smiley as being friendly.