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Original poster

Practicalities of overnights to avoid pitfalls please! History of DV/EA

60 replies

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 09/01/2014 23:50

Firstly if you want to write negative, unhelpful stuff, please move on somewhere else :-)

Please can I have practical advice re: overnights for 4 and 7 y.o

I'd like to hear about:

Your method of communicating with ex?

What things you communicate and how?

In case of emergency?

Communicating with the children over 24 hour period? Necessary or unneccessary? Cause unneccessary upset? By phone? Saying goodnight?

Clothes. I'm thinking there should just be clothes for each house that get washed in each house and stay there. (Previous negative experience of this. Advice about this really welcomed)

Anything else I should troubleshoot?

Please if you have no experience of DV or EA, don't comment at all. Thanks :-)

OP posts:
mumtobealloveragain · 11/01/2014 09:45

Thanks mincedmuff. OP's response has really bothered me but I can't quite place my finger as to why.

Also, the OP itself has a smiley in the first paragraph! Grin

Serobin · 11/01/2014 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NewBeginningsSnoopy · 11/01/2014 10:22

Hey I could really do without the aggro.

OP posts:
balia · 11/01/2014 13:33

When I said hijacked I meant that ex could take the phone off the DC's midcall to shout, argue, call you names etc. He could also prime them to say/ask particular things that might be difficult to deal with as you won't know if they are actually saying what they want or what ex has told them to say.

MincedMuff · 11/01/2014 17:10

Dc having a phone is a bad idea in my experiance. Only because fw rings her and stresses her out.

Example 1: dd why did you not answer the phone you should always have it on you and answer when I ring.
Then dd gets extremely stressed when I don't allow her to bring the stupid phone anywhere.

Example 2: tell mummy I want to pick you all up after your nye party, that equals dd again getting stressed as she wants to please her dad and doesn't understand why we got a taxi.

I also don't like the interruptions of him ringing her, it feels like he's invading my space and it's not always convenient.

It's putting up boundaries and detaching that's the key to happiness as FW will not care about your boundaries and will do whatever he wants anyway. So you need to detach for your own mental health.

.

Original poster
NewBeginningsSnoopy · 11/01/2014 20:52

Thanks MM. Seriously my mental health is important at the moment. I'm reeling a bit this week. Detaching is good. I will see if he attempts to text me again unnecessarily. I'm very touchy about this. I'm very jumpy. I have to be careful as the courts have no understanding of this reaction. If he texts me this week for example, I will have to consider the phone. I won't be getting phones for DC. Thanks for that advice. I will delay that as much as poss anyway because let's face it. Phones aren't necc for children.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewBeginningsSnoopy · 12/01/2014 00:37

Any suggestions for not entering into the mindfuck where e.a of children are involved very much appreciated. I feel that this is so hard! I want to communicate to him that it's not ok to do a, b & c to the children but this is definitely not detaching, right?

Thank you :-)

OP posts:
Monetbyhimself · 12/01/2014 10:03

Do not communicate with him. Focus on 'picking up the pieces' when the children come home. Protect yourself and by doing that, you will be stronger and more able to protect them xx

Serobin · 12/01/2014 10:09

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NewBeginningsSnoopy · 12/01/2014 11:52

Thanks. Very useful. It is so so hard. In your opinion, do SS ever act on E.A?

I am actually terrified that he will keep on going with the courts and attempt to get full residency. Why am I terrified of this? Because he is a highly clever & manipulative person and so far has managed to convince the courts quite the contrary- that it is ME who is trying to get at HIM. All I have ever wanted is to protect my children, sometimes at my own expense. Now I really need to start protecting myself from what I fear will be his next move... I suspect that he will continue to make up lies to make ME look like the 'bad' one. This has worked very well for him so far. I'm so scared!

OP posts:
starlight1234 · 12/01/2014 12:08

I have to agree..Ex is not going to do X,YZ if you tell him not to in fact he is more likely to do it to prevoke a response ... Therefore resolving the status quo he is in charge ....

I had a mantra when I was in contact with my ex ..Hold the higher moral high ground... This meant no matter what I said I never took his bait and he had no evidence I was in any way been unreasonable.

Unless there are concerns about you as a parent there would be no reason to change contact...

You understandably sound wound up ready to pop..It may well be worth getting in touch with women's aid to get some support for you...They can provide support for your children also if they need it.

Original poster
NewBeginningsSnoopy · 12/01/2014 12:21

Womens aid have been great. They're closed on Sundays though. ;-)

OP posts:
Serobin · 12/01/2014 15:02

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Original poster
NewBeginningsSnoopy · 12/01/2014 15:53

I have some sporadic counselling. My counsellor is amazing but it's not very rregular at present. I am looking into womens aid counselling as well

OP posts:
Original poster
NewBeginningsSnoopy · 12/01/2014 15:55

He has one overnight but he will take a mile now when I am weak. I feel that he will use the court to attain great heights!

OP posts:
Serobin · 12/01/2014 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NewBeginningsSnoopy · 12/01/2014 19:25

Thanks so much for your support. I think he will push and push for more and more. He insists that the kids want to stay there more often etc etc.

OP posts:
starlight1234 · 12/01/2014 19:51

Don't engage in discussions with him on this..Simply state the court order states contact will take place.......no discussion on what the kids want.No emotion simply fact.

Have you done or looked into the freedom program...I did some of it through the childrens centre...I found it helpful to a point ..Made me understand how much of my ex's behaviour was abusive...not just the obvious..

when does first overnight happen?

Original poster
NewBeginningsSnoopy · 12/01/2014 22:07

It just happened last night. Yes it's hard not to talk about the emotion. It's emotional abuse only now so the kids emotions are all over the place. Any contact with him & communication at all I find so hard. I had thought I had sorted that problem but the communication is free flowing and this is problematic I feel. They say that children should have similar environments in the two houses so I have wanted to have some input and give info on care but perhaps now that the basics have been shared, there is no need for me to try and communicate w him about the little things. It wears me down. I can't even explain it.

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Original poster
NewBeginningsSnoopy · 12/01/2014 22:08

The Freedom programme I will be doing at some point this year. Sounds great!

OP posts:
bibliomania · 14/01/2014 13:44

Agree, don't communicate about the little things. Don't worry too much about similar environments in the two houses - you should go for parallel parenting (ie each doing your own thing) rather than shared parenting. Otherwise you'll end up trying to police what happens in his house and you're on a hiding to nothing.

For school uniform, this used to stress me out. If you can, just buy more than you think you'll need - saves a lot of wasted emotion down the line. Work on the expectation that you won't get stuff back from his house, then be pleasantly surprised if you sometimes do.

My dd (6) usually says she doesn't want me to call when she's with her dd. It's emotionally easier for her not to be reminded of me, plus she's pretty conscious that her father is listening in and inclined to get jealous if she shows me affection.

Finally, resist the temptation to pump the dcs for information when they come. Concentrate of having good times with them (not to be confused with disney parenting) and do your best to let go of what you can't control. Or at least do what you can to look that way to your ex, because as soon as you show that he's landed a blow, he'll take delighted in doing it again.

lostdad · 14/01/2014 14:08

Your ex should supply everything the kids need - that's not to say if they want to bring favourite toys, clothes, etc. they shouldn't do so. But the onus is on him, not you.

I don't think phone contact, etc. for a 24 hour period is that helpful to be honest. If it's a few days or more than maybe but it can unsettle the DC.

Communication with my ex is only via email or text (her choice) and we only do so concerning our DS and nothing else. In cases of emergencies we let each other know. He's with me 40% of the time with 4 nights at a time throughout the year and half of holidays. He (and his mum) knows encourage them to speak to each other throughout holidays, if he's with me at Christmas and the like.

Original poster
NewBeginningsSnoopy · 15/01/2014 18:46

My kids say they would like the brief phonecall to say goodnight to me...

OP posts:
starlight1234 · 15/01/2014 21:16

Due to their age...I suspect they obviously would like to say goodnight to mummy but doubt it would make a nice peaceful night...Also you have to look at it in reverse..If you say to Ex kids want to phone and say goodnight..What if he says they want me to say goodnight to him everynight when they are at yours...and if he asks them they may say yes for fear of upsetting him...

I don't know if you have asked them about these things but maybe make the descisions first then explain to them why the things are the way they are ( appropriate to them )

How did first overnight go? how were they on return

Original poster
NewBeginningsSnoopy · 15/01/2014 22:22

I think you're right Starlight. I do fear what might come up next. For now it's just Saturday nights but I think he will push and push...

As for the first overnight, well he's on best behaviour and will be for a while... I have reason to suspect that all is not good but without proof, noone is going to listen to a word I say I'm afraid. Any hints on obtaining proof greatfully received!

OP posts: