Single Dad House-sharing.

[BloodshotDays]

Hi, not posted for a while but looking for advice re: my upcoming living situation and DD's mum disagreeing with it.

I currently live with family after separating with my ex last year, but in a few weeks I'm planning on moving into a 4-bed house with two close friends. This obviously impacts upon DD(3), but having thought long and hard about it, I think it is the right thing to do as for the next couple of years I'm not going to be earning enough to live on my own (I'm a TA trying to finish my degree to become a Teacher - v low wages!!).

Obviously it isn't ideal, but it's the only way I can afford to move out of my parent's house again. Both the women I'm moving in with are Key Stage one teachers, one of whom DD knows well already, so are great with young children and we've been talking about this for months to ensure it's a living situation we'd all be happy with and they'll be no nasty shocks along the way. We're all full-time employed adults, so it's not like this is going to be some kind of party house. We've been close friends for about 7 years now, so I know the kind of people I'll be living with and if I had any doubts about DD's wellbeing, I wouldn't even consider it.

My ex is against this - when I told her she told me it was irresponsible parenting to move her into a shared house. We didn't talk much about it as it was DD's birthday so obviously we wouldn't want to have an argument in front of her. But we do need to talk about it, as she said she wouldn't allow it (I'm sure she can't enforce that), but regardless, I'd partly like to justify myself, but also calm XW's worries somewhat. Her main worry appeared to be about strangers coming into the house, but like I say, I know these people well and know the kind of people we're friends with, and either way, we've already talked about this as a group and agree about friends not just popping round, or anything inappropriate happening when DD is around. I wouldn't put DD in any danger and I'm a little annoyed that XW would make out that I don't have her best interests at heart. I've discussed it with family and people at work (bearing in mind our job is to be aware of safeguarding practices) to get a range of opinions and make sure this isn't an unsafe situation to have DD in. This wasn't a decision made on a whim.

I'm just worried that she thinks I'm acting out of self interest and not caring about DD. In reality it would be much easier on a shallow level for me to stay living at home with family who cook most of our meals and do my washing etc and have all my wages free to waste for the next couple of years whilst I finish my studies. But I feel that whilst it's great that DD see's plenty of my extended family, I doubt it would do her much good for the next two years to see her father as someone who isn't independent and who needs to live with his parents to survive. And as much as they mean well, my family often make comments or assert themselves upon my parenting style and I feel as though I can't relax and parent in a way I feel comfortable with them around all the time - I think the problem is that when family are helping you out with a place to stay, you feel unreasonable 'telling them off', so to speak.

Like I say, it's not ideal but it's a stop-gap for a couple of years until I'm earning more, as quite simply I have to have moved by the time she starts school as XW is moving her 30 miles away and there's no way I could cope with only seeing her on weekends and not being involved in her day-to-day life (we're meant to be doing 50-50 shared care), though that's an issue for the future. In the meantime, I just feel that this is the best compromise for DD to get the most out of her time with me - which is surely the most important thing for her.

So I'd like to talk to XW tomorrow night when I drop DD off, but don't want it to become a row. If she doesn't like me as a friend, I can cope with that, but if she starts questioning my judgement as a parent, then we'll have more problems. So, does anyone have any opinions on the situation - am I being an irresponsible parent? And how should I approach the discussion with DD's mum tomorrow? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank you if you've stuck with this.

Firstly you sound like an amazing dad.

The situation sounds fine to me, more than fine actually, and I wonder what your ex's issues really are?

FWIW I don't think it is bad to live with your parents - your dd will understand that you are independent but not able to afford living alone. I don't think this is in any way detrimental.

Thank you Juno. The thing with living here is I have issues standing up to some of my family, and I don't want to spend the next two years always being agitated when DD's around, or do the 'disney dad' thing and just take her out all the time but never have a place for us to call home. She doesn't have her own room here either.

My exes issue may be to do with not knowing my prospective housemates and fearing the worst - I'd like to think I've never done anything to think I can't be trusted with DD - so I may ask if she'd like to meet them and we can talk everything through.

It sounds ok. Its not as though its a drunken student house. If the women are responsible people then its not as though they will be dragging all and sundry back is it? Can't you get ex to meet them? Reassure her with that? If I thought the women were ok I really wouldn't have a problem with that myself.

I understand completely about living at home. DS and I lived with my parents for 4 years, and though we had our own (separate) rooms, it was still very hard to go against them when they argued. I posted about it a lot on here at the time but got a lot of either 'you should be grateful' or 'just tell them your child your rule'. You'll know, it's not that easy.

That aside - I agree, maybe your ex needs to meet the women. Maybe she has visions of student house sharing days rather that the reality you will be living. Maybe meeting will put her mind at ease?

Though, I'm not sure how much she can dictate your living arrangements.

Actually it's just occurred to me that for 3 years, my ex rented out his spare room to a friend. DS stays with him 3 nights a week.

I'd never even considered it an issue!

It does seem like getting them to meet may be the best way. It may be awkward but it's worth it if it makes everything.

It is annoying that there seems to be a trust issue with me that she has - I'd never knowingly put DD in harms way. And in all honesty I'm quite boring - I doubt I could successfully throw my own house party if I wanted to!!

You're right, she probably can't dictate my living arrangements but I'd rather this wasn't something that was done acrimoniously.

Oh god really?! I'd rather not know where/when if that's ok.

The bottom line is that if your ex is reasonable, she is reasonable. If she's not, she's not.

All things considered you're doing pretty well - and I do know a few dads in similar situations to you where things work pretty well (and that's with hostile ex partners).

If you want some support I'd recommend you join Families Need Fathers. There's not much support out for dads in your situation (I faced many of the same challenges you do a few years back). Google them and you'll find them!

Thanks lostdad. The thing is I'm sure she doesn't feel she's being unreasonable but I just need to be able to have a good chat about it so it happens amicably and so she doesn't think I'm doing anything inappropriate. I'll look up FNF, thanks.

Good move - if you can keep things amicable, do so. It's best for you, your ex and most of all your child. And cheaper and less damaging too.

I'd have no problem if DP and I split up and he did this.

It's not as though it's a drunken uni house share. Does your XW think there was another woman? Could that be why she is against it?

Is it at all possible the XW sees your new living arrangements, which sound super-reasonable to all of us, as better than her own? Either economically or from a more "fun" for DD perspective? I'm assuming the there's n chance you've ever had a relationship with either of your potential house-mates?

It might not be the ideal situation for co parenting, but I have to say, sharing with two professional women doesn't really sound like something she ends to be concerned about. Is there a suspicion that one of them is more than a friend, or might become so?

To be fair, even if this were the case, your ex still doesn't have a say in your living arrangements, but if you want to keep it amicable I would suggest describing the situation just as you have here, then asking her which parts of it are causing her concern.

You need to make it clear that this is not up for debate as you have thought about your options and this is the best situation for you at present, but you can ask her what can be done to put her mind at rest, including meeting your housemates and seeing the property.

If she has made a decision to move without consulting you or considering the impact on you then there is no reason why she should have a say in your living arrangements. But that is quite a confrontational stance, so I would avoid that for now and try to resolve it by being super-cooperative and considerate!

I can sort of see it from the ex's viewpoint. In a shared house, you can't guarantee that there will always be safe adults in it. What if one of these professional women gets a new boyfriend? Who guarantees this man is safe around children? Even if you know all their friends, they may get new friends and you don't always know people completely anyway. What if all the agreements about no random people coming back to the house or no one just popping by is all good in theory but in practice it ends up happening? You can't control what the other adults in the house share do and they don't have to make dd a priority because they aren't her mum or dad. It doesn't have to be about jealousy or worries about there having been another woman.

Hi all. Maybe she is suspicious I could be more of a friend with one of them, so maybe i need to allay that fear. I'm not and there's no chance of this - one of the women is in a long term relationship with a man I know well and the other, there's just no interest there!

It wouldn't be nice to think of someone being jealous so I hope that isn't the case. Buffy you make some good points and I believe that's what my ex is thinking - but she made her points quite confrontationally. I suppose the best I can say is I trust these people, knowing them quite well. If it went wrong DD would be straight out of there for her safety but in my heart I know that won't be a problem. Sometimes my parents have their friends round who I've never met and you just have to trust the people you know. Like I say, this isn't a decision made on a whim, and I just trust them.

She may have made her points in a confrontational way out of panic and worry. Especially if you brought it up out of the blue at a time where she couldn't actually talk to you properly about it. And I think it's worth remembering that while you trust them, she doesn't know these women at all (even if you let her meet them once, she still won't know them) so it's a scary thought for her to have people she doesn't know living with her child. Like when someone's ex gets a new partner and, although they are expected to trust the other parents judgement about this person, they often have worries about it at the same time. It's a bit like that really.

I think it would be good to remember that it's okay for her to be worried and scared about this and to express these concerns without being portrayed as the jealous ex. I do find it a bit grating that so many people suggest she may have issues with other women or jealous or that she wants a "fun" house too. Some women actually just care about their child after a split and just want them to be safe and secure. We all have different things that concern us and should remember that just because a living situation may not concern one person, it may worry another considerably.

Personally, I wouldn't agree to allowing her to expect where you're living: You're both responsible parents and need to trust each other - this applies to parents who are still together or apart.

Similarly when you get a new girlfriend (and she gets a new boyfriend!) it would be unreasonable to expect to have a veto on any involvement with your DD.

In practice I have known parents to make this demand of their ex but it is unreasonable and for me it crosses a line. Your line may be elsewhere of course.

I'm a bit torn here. You sound like you've really thought this all through and it sounds like a fairly workable idea.

BUT if I had it presented to me that my dcs were going to live half the week with adults who were strangers to me, I don't think I'd feel very happy about that. It would feel unknown and therefore a bit risky - I'd not only be trusting your judgement but also the judgement of these women in terms of who they bring back to the house etc. I assume the other housemates don't have children of their own? I'm just thinking that I was a pretty responsible well educated professional before I had children but I wouldn't have thought like a parent in terms of who it was OK to have in the house (Or have wanted to have to tbh)

I totally understand how she made be worried and I want to reassure her really. I wouldn't want her to be worrying all the time. But at the same time I do want her to respect my judgement and I just want us to avoid confrontation. It isn't ideal, definitely, but I think it's the best I can manage with the situation I'm in.

thanks for the advice and for giving me a few perspectives - I'd started to doubt myself but feel reassured now that I'm not doing anything that's going to be bad for DD. I'll talk to her mum later and hopefully it will go well - I'll post back to let you all know.

I think you should jusrt reassure her. If you want to let her see where you are living (you dont have to BTW) They are female KS1 teachers, both obviously CRB checked and used to small children. Your DD knows one of them. Whilst your ex might not like it, I dont see that it should become an issue.

Didn't go well.

I got as far as saying I wouldn't put DD in a dangerous situation and she rolled her eyes at me. Actually rolled her eyes and looked at me like I was lying to her face. She says she thinks I should just live with family for the next two years, that it's the same as me moving with a new girlfriend and she thinks I'm thinking of myself not DD and, even though she can't legally stop me, whatever I say she can't support the decision. End of discussion.

we got nowhere. I'm just so upset and angry that I don't even know what I should do now.

Ok just spoke to my Dad about it all and not feeling as bad. I'm upset that she thinks I'm not putting DD first but my dad basically said I need to not let things get to me and as long as I feel I'm doing the right thing, that's all that should matter.

So, not great but I guess I just have to have faith in my own decisions.

thank you once again everyone who commented with advice and views here. Always appreciated.