Hi, not posted for a while but looking for advice re: my upcoming living situation and DD's mum disagreeing with it.
I currently live with family after separating with my ex last year, but in a few weeks I'm planning on moving into a 4-bed house with two close friends. This obviously impacts upon DD(3), but having thought long and hard about it, I think it is the right thing to do as for the next couple of years I'm not going to be earning enough to live on my own (I'm a TA trying to finish my degree to become a Teacher - v low wages!!).
Obviously it isn't ideal, but it's the only way I can afford to move out of my parent's house again. Both the women I'm moving in with are Key Stage one teachers, one of whom DD knows well already, so are great with young children and we've been talking about this for months to ensure it's a living situation we'd all be happy with and they'll be no nasty shocks along the way. We're all full-time employed adults, so it's not like this is going to be some kind of party house. We've been close friends for about 7 years now, so I know the kind of people I'll be living with and if I had any doubts about DD's wellbeing, I wouldn't even consider it.
My ex is against this - when I told her she told me it was irresponsible parenting to move her into a shared house. We didn't talk much about it as it was DD's birthday so obviously we wouldn't want to have an argument in front of her. But we do need to talk about it, as she said she wouldn't allow it (I'm sure she can't enforce that), but regardless, I'd partly like to justify myself, but also calm XW's worries somewhat. Her main worry appeared to be about strangers coming into the house, but like I say, I know these people well and know the kind of people we're friends with, and either way, we've already talked about this as a group and agree about friends not just popping round, or anything inappropriate happening when DD is around. I wouldn't put DD in any danger and I'm a little annoyed that XW would make out that I don't have her best interests at heart. I've discussed it with family and people at work (bearing in mind our job is to be aware of safeguarding practices) to get a range of opinions and make sure this isn't an unsafe situation to have DD in. This wasn't a decision made on a whim.
I'm just worried that she thinks I'm acting out of self interest and not caring about DD. In reality it would be much easier on a shallow level for me to stay living at home with family who cook most of our meals and do my washing etc and have all my wages free to waste for the next couple of years whilst I finish my studies. But I feel that whilst it's great that DD see's plenty of my extended family, I doubt it would do her much good for the next two years to see her father as someone who isn't independent and who needs to live with his parents to survive. And as much as they mean well, my family often make comments or assert themselves upon my parenting style and I feel as though I can't relax and parent in a way I feel comfortable with them around all the time - I think the problem is that when family are helping you out with a place to stay, you feel unreasonable 'telling them off', so to speak.
Like I say, it's not ideal but it's a stop-gap for a couple of years until I'm earning more, as quite simply I have to have moved by the time she starts school as XW is moving her 30 miles away and there's no way I could cope with only seeing her on weekends and not being involved in her day-to-day life (we're meant to be doing 50-50 shared care), though that's an issue for the future. In the meantime, I just feel that this is the best compromise for DD to get the most out of her time with me - which is surely the most important thing for her.
So I'd like to talk to XW tomorrow night when I drop DD off, but don't want it to become a row. If she doesn't like me as a friend, I can cope with that, but if she starts questioning my judgement as a parent, then we'll have more problems. So, does anyone have any opinions on the situation - am I being an irresponsible parent? And how should I approach the discussion with DD's mum tomorrow? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Thank you if you've stuck with this.