Feelings for your ex....

[confusedagain]

What do you do when you still have feelings for your ex, even when you know he's just not worth it? I split with ex-dh two years ago and things have just recently settled down (money / contact with ds etc). I am still finding it really hard to not care about him and, if I am completely honest, would probably have him back tomorrow .

He has treated ds and myself badly (cheated, left several times when ds very small baby before leaving for good). I know that we have trust issues and that it is highly unlikely we could go back but, despite this, I still care. I feel so stupid because all logic dictates that these feelings are VERY WRONG! Also, my family and friends would crucify me if they even thought that I felt this way. What's wrong with me?.

existing day-to-day - I totally understand that

I would say up until a month ago I felt exactly like that.
part time job - laughing & chatting & getting on with it
socialising & shopping
but deep down when the kids were in bed, I just felt empty and drained

then a month ago I took charge - told my ex I was no longer going to mediation as it was pointless - he lied after the previous one about access, the mediator told us both off and I was wasting an entire morning on my ex rather than being with the children

so now I dont have to see or talk to my ex unless I CHOOSE to....
I get to spend all day friday with my children cos he doesnt bother taking time off work when its his weekend access....

AND I finally realised that there is a new future for me even maybe one day with a new man....I dont want ex back cos of how he has hurt & treated me & the kids

I agree with Lottelou - I think maybe you are still scared about the future - thats OK and it WILL get better....I think once you no longer want your ex, you will be able to move on....dont know how you do that though

hang in there though - you're doing a fab job bringing up your son

going through the motions, where previously there was a point to it all, and a lovely one.....yes, ask anyone in mourning for a thing/someone lost....
The fancy-ing thing too. I hated/adored/despised/longed for my ex-dp , just the thought of her smile got me going, long after she had left...I did realise that it was part of my wish for it all to have never happened (the separation), that if I still fancy her so much, it means I am maintaining some kind of 'relationship' with her. Unfortunately, this was existing only in my own head. I am guessing also that you hated/hate being advised that you must "move on"? When we hate that bit it is because we don't want to move on, and close a part of our and the children's lives....I again bow to MM's wisdom re contacts.....I am a bit worried that you are still talking like this one year on....the 'fancying thing' sounds like a protective thing for you......and BBM, I say all of this with utmost respect - I know it is all HORRID, and I have moments when I am frozen in my tracks, when something comes up to remind me of us..

my ex even now comments EVERY time he sees me on my appearance - last time was how nice my hair looked, today what a nice pair of jeans....I just ignore him
things like this dont help
does he do it to make himself feel better? Yes
does he do it to make me think he still fancies me? no.....BUT it is confusing
Maybe its a little game to keep me as his own - he doesnt want me but doesnt want anyone else to have me
certainly he keeps asking why I want a divorce - whats my hurry etc
"because you're living with another woman?" - what an idiot he is....

does he still have control?
do you let him in your house when he picks up the kids?
if so, STOP. Dont let him in the house - its not his anymore.
Mine came tonight & all the stuff for the kids was on the front path...he probably wanted the loo but I didnt offer. He can go to McDonalds round the corner

and I would just like to say that I STILL have bad days - Im not so strong as people think I am and blush when people say how well Im doing Etc BUT I try to be positive and I try to tell people how Im trying to cope

big hugs to you BBM

He doesnt come in the house and hasnt done for about 6 months now ... the fancying bit is cos hes only 26, plays rugby and does loads of running and has a body to die for!! I think I'm worried I'll never get another one like it and maybe I dont know how I got it in the first place or how I was so dumb to let it slip away without knowing it.
I have minimal contact with him, literally only when he collects/drops off ds. Hurts so badly that he is so happy with someone else ... I guess you're right, I am scared to let him go, even if it I have only got him in my head.

Sweetie, you know it.
My ex-dp was/is the female equiv. to those things, at 39!(not that I am that bad myself!), but things were not right..that old adage that 'if you were meant to be you would be together now, is soo right. And it can feel VERY hurtful he is happy with someone else. I'm afraid though that indicates you not learning to let him go......I know, horrible.

Can I be really pushy? And ask..how hard have you really tried?? And, how much have you "comforted/undermined yourself"??

Your other lover didn't stand a chance, as you know. And no-one will, until you let ex- go. IT's all a pile of poo. But we all have to learn how to step out of it...

again, agree with LL - its all shit and people saying "it will get better" are annoying

you can get someone as good if not better
he cant be that good if he didnt work at his marriage

maybe you should try an internet website where you can get to know someone for themselves and then you might fall in love with the person?
sounds naff I know but might work for you

you sound as though your self-esteem has taking a knock - like the rest of us - its hard not to blame yourself when your partner leaves but ITS NOT YOU....

dont read my thread under step parenting....someone answered my question (fair enough) but has now put the image of my children waking up tomorrow morning and snuggling up to HER in bed with my ex

i know, you're right ... if I'm honest I do spend a lot of time telling everyone what he did and analysing it again and again while he moved on with his life straight away (moved in with a girl from work within a week). If I'm honest it is easier to feel sorry for yourself than let it go ... am planning to move 100 miles away, so hope that will be the start of letting it go ... there are too many reminders of our past around here, I want a fresh start away from here

love - of course its easier to feel sorry for yourself - and no-one blames you BUT he has made a decision that has changed your life. You didnt want it but its done.
Dont let him carry on making decisions for you - thats what hes doing even though he isnt actually saying anything
you have a different future ahead of you
you have a lovely son who will adore you & thank you for bringing him up by yourself OR choosing a nice man to help you bring him up
I hope moving helps you
I do understand and feel for you

thank you !! you're right, I HATE the fact that he has changed my life forever and I can't control it! need to start looking forward more ... have to accept he aint coming back and even if he did want to (which I know he wont) deep down i know it could never work now.
Makes me so sad though that he can do this to his own child. I'd do anything for ds and it rips me apart that he won't.

Moving? Wow! BIG decision, for you and son....my ex- lives (almost literally) round the corner - wish she didn't - imagined leaving town once or twice..BUT...did consider the need to find 'peace' with her (in my mind),B4 I did - if not, the consequence would be feelings of being haunted by a geographical space (not good), and, having a sense of having "run away" from something rather than lay it open for what it was.( and then judge yourself for doing that!) If you feel up to it, sort it first, and then leave in order to make the management of it easier in the future...

Well aren't we full of it tonight!!

I really do feel for what you have been through this year. I hated life only a few months ago because my love wasn't it in. I tipped into madness, but am recovering much better.

Sorry if I at all overstep any mark with you.

see?
i give all this good idea and am now sitting here crying myself

its so hard isnt it

that Tenalady has really upset me - putting image of my kids lying cuddling HER - how dare she!!! My ex and HER have no consideration to what they have/are putting my children & me throuhg - they think its easy for 2 children under 5 to go to a house 3 hrs away from their home & mum?

I am looking forward but just have bad moments....

and BBM I agree - how can they do it to their children - they dont see it like that...
I know there are mothers on MN who have left their husbands but it seems to me that some men dont need much of a reason to go looking elsewhere whereas mothers try & try....

what tenalady???
Thats my problem too ... can be fine for ages then suddenly I lose the plot and fall apart for a bit !!
I try so hard to hide it from ds but tonight I was crying and ds came over and said "wipe those tears mummy, are you crying because daddy doesn't love you anymore? its alright, i love you" was beautiful but broke my heart too - hes only just three, not right is it

children arent stupid - and thats what makes it hard - you want to protect them dont you

my DS asked me last week if getting divorced meant that he wouldnt see daddy anymore. I explained it made no difference and told him to ask his daddy for reassurance.

"daddy why did you leave?"
daddy mumbled something crap and DS looked at me and said "oh its cos daddy's got a new girlfriend"

I took the phone off DS & walked out of earshot and Ex told me he didnt say that & I said "no but your son has more balls than you do & can actually state the truth"

dont worry aboput crying infront of your son - if you do it daily, you need to get help (counselling etc) but if its occasionally, I dont see it matters - surely its better to let your son realise this isnt what you want and that sometimeS life isnt how you plan it but you can deal with things
your son sounds lovely and dealing with it just fine....

am off to bed now
sweet dreams x

Yes, cheers. Just spent much of the past 24 hours in a most distracted way, thinking of her...most in a long time. When DOES it all stop, or atleast mumble along???

I dont know - need other people to answer that one although I suspect everyone's experience is different

I had to smile politely today when ex dropped kids off and DS said "daddy will you give your friend a hug from me cos I really love her"
ex laughed nervously and I just said "aaaahh thats nice DS" when I really wanted to scream & shout

still we've had a good day & they are back in the fold

I am civil even chatty to ex as I dont have to see him apart from once a fortnight and I luckily dont have to worry about bumping into them in town

I am feeling much better though and realised this weekend that my self esteem has improved a lot recently and am beginning to think "this is me, like it or dont" which I havent felt for a long time

(formerly Lottelou - less gender-confusing) - like you more and more, MM.

No, there is no blue -print, is there?

Impressed by the self-esteem bit - churning round thoughts is pretty good at eroding this!

And for development, having a grasp of 'who you are' and being comfortable with it is essential!

I did spend months thinking I was to blame for our separation..but..that isn't true..we both did it....

I haven't seen her for a while around, but now if I did I would be less anxious - just hoping that she is happy - a long way from how I was even weeks ago. It still hurts - rejection, disappointment, loss of future.. - but the world still turns. Just not in the ideal way you think it should be doing so!!

nice name

I guess at the end of the day you were BOTH responsible for the break up - I know this (not sure ex does)

course its crap but you know what, it all boils down to the fact you've lost the future you had and need to imagine a new one

ive had conversations with my family & friends and had to explain that I've lost "first day at school, first date, first exam, wedding, ruby wedding ann etc

people who havent gone through this dont look at it like this (dont blame them b4 someone attacks me)

you need to realise that you CAN have a differnet future with someone new etc

Yes, I know it can/will happen ( the better future) - just not there right now to fully appreciate the fact..that time lag between thoughts and emotions?...just flicked back through posts - realised confusedagain and BBM are different people..we said goodbye to confused again B4 I joined the thread...

is it really so "different for girls"? as Joe Jackson sang about all those years ago?? I have my doubts...

im sure its no differernt for girls & boys

can I admit that there is a bloke at work that Ive known and flirted with ecvery Xmas party for yrs.....his wife has just left him cso SHE had an affair.....so want to tell him I fancy him BUT feel he is a long way behind me

what a hussy

MM ! You are insufferable,dear.

But in a good way.....

no I have managed to accept I have a new future and embrace it!!

if I knew you Jarsboy, I might fancy you too

i have feelings for my ex in as much i dont like the way he is obviously suffering, but at the same time he brought it upon himself on the whole

i will always care for him as he is the father of my kids, but i can live without him

and enjoying doing so

yes, vixenmiggins..you probably would......

so..my 'comepetition' ..is he cute?

i might change my name !!

hes a good guy and very attentive - but then ALL men are attentive to begin with

just enjoying the attention and the chats on MSN