How do I help my children deal with Separation and now OH has a new girlfriend?

[trumphy]

Basically, I found out my OH was seeing someone for way longer than the time we've been separated which pisses me off, but hey ho, we are now getting divorced. What upsets me is how it's affecting the kids. It breaks my heart. They haven't even got used to us being separated, how on earth will they feel when they find out he's seeing someone else?

Just yesterday my little one was crying and asking why we can't get back together. It makes me so cross. I was faithful to him and I still wouldnt consider dating anyone until my divorce is finalised and then probably not for a good while. The kids need time to adjust.

He says he's not going to introduce her to the kids for a long while, but to be honest, he is such a liar about everything that I find that hard to believe.

Anyone else had to deal with this? How did you help your kids cope?

The exact same thing happened to me this summer. Exh moved in with the ow and her kids a month after leaving us saying he didn't love me anymore! He introduced our kids at week 7. I found out through my 6 year old. Since then at least 75% of the time exh has our DCs, she's there too with or without her DCs. Hell, she even spent Boxing Day with him and our DCs at his parents house!!! It doesn't make a difference what I say, he does whatever he wants, and I can't do anything.

How old are your kids? Mine are still adjusting and still cry asking why daddy doesn't love mummy and why won't he come home. It's awful. I just tell them it's not their fault (6 year old said to exh that he wished he wasn't real and that he left as he didn't like them anymore!). Lots of reassurance is key, and always tell them the ex loves them loads and that you love them loads.

It's still so hard though. They all want to sleep in my bed with me, especially after spending a weekend with exh.

So sorry to hear that this happened to you as well.

My children and 7 and 9. I do keep telling them we love them but like your children they can't come to terms with the fact that he doesn't want to be with me. The idiot can't seem to see that, he's put his libido before everything else.

I did read though that the majority of relationships that started in affairs don't last. He is still the shit with the same issues. As soon as he gets bored and she wants more commitment he'll be off.

I am thankful that he has his own flat (which I've visited) and she lives in her own place so hopefully for the time being at least, when they visit it will just be them and him. Although like I said earlier, he is such a liar, and presumably she is going to think it odd if after a good while he still doesn't want her to meet them!?

Am also.in a similar situation.

Ex met his dp 6monthz after we split. They moved in together after 1 week, were engaged after 2, and pregnant within a month.

Ds1 (9) is really struggling with how day it all happened. He's having weekly chats with the pastoral carer at school, and we are considering involving cahms.

No advice I'm afraid, but I know how you feel.

The pastoral care thing at school sounds good. I wonder if the kids school has something similar. I was planning on having a meeting with their teachers in the new year anyway.

I asked my XH to keep her away from the DC and he managed for about three months, they were 10 and 13 when we split

After nine months he moved in with her and her massive family and they were expected to just fit in

Now four years on DD at 14 still has a weak relationship with him and I am sure it's partly because he just hasn't understood she doesn't want to be part of the ow show . That has never served his interests though so it's DDs bad luck

All I can say is to ask that he keeps her separate as long as possible and I don't know if this will help but having to process her around my DC was far harder than the breakdown of my marriage and took a long time to get used to

Yes having to deal with my kids pain is far far harder than my own. As far as I'm concerned any affection I had left for him went when I found out he had been lying for months (whilst still sleeping with me).

As a mum you just want to protect your kids as much as possible. I know I can't hide it from them forever but at least if they could have another 6 months at least. Although that may be wishful thinking.

My exH left after a messy affair and being abusive (to me and DC) over 10 years ago now.
DC found it very hard at first. exH tried to dictate what I could/couldn't tell them but it meant lying to them or leaving them confused. After time I realised I had to trust my own insticts on what I should reply to them rather than being restricted by his imposed rules. Looking back, I am glad I was honest with them and comforted them. I very much put it down to him to make the effort. I made time for him to see them and encouraged them, but I did not chase him to see DC or shift our routines and life for him. He left and he had to realise the world did not revolve around him. You have to try your hardest to continue creating a new life, doing things exactly how you want to with new traditions and exciting things for the DC. And do not let him ruin this, take ownership of your and your DC's lives.

It still baffles me how anyone can act so hideously and be so cruel and neglectful to their children. It seems their responsibility and love for their children gets sidelined while they follow their lustful dreams of a new more exciting life. In the meantime they mess you about and lie endlessly to you and the DC. It is so difficult to keep encouraging your DC to be positive or to see their father. But, as you know, it is important to try and save their relationship from their side. It may work out, but it may not- all you need to do is be supportive of your DC. Allow them to be sad and cry and tell them it is OK. Encourage them to talk to you.

My DC's emotions shifted along a huge spectrum from anger to sadness to excitement to grief to frustration to confusion to hatred to exhaustion of it all. Contact got harder and harder (he'd not turn up/cancel/be late or arrive and be angry/on edge/announce he had got married/announce their half siblings had been born etc etc) and DC started refusing to go. They would want to sleep in my bed the nights before and after and developed a fear of him. Eventually we ended up in court multiple times over his contact and over his treatment of the DC. Contact was stopped/. After this DC became a lot happier and more relaxed.
WHile it was a horrific process, once we finally got things sorted and the pressure was off DC, horrible contact stopped and they could enjoy their lives having had counselling which helped them understand none of it was their fault, life could still be good and it was OK to be upset about their dad or angry with him. Can you find a service which will help your DC? Maybe through school?
My DC still get upset occasionally about the whole situation (now are 20+ years old) and have attempted to re-kindle things/get an explanation from their father. He sadly has gone even more off the rails. The DC can see why things went wrong, they have their own lives and are very happy though.
He is now split from his next wife and barely sees their children.

10 years on, both DC do not have any meaningful relationship with their father. Both see him for what he is, and have come to terms with the situation. It hasn't been an easy ride. I wish DC did have a decent father who made an effort and showed them they were his everything (whether he was with me or not).
We do have a lovely life though, we are a solid unit. We have brilliant holidays, Christmases and close relationships. The way we live now is very different from the tense, angry household they were brought up in. Things have worked out.
It is so tough and I cannot express my empathy enough for what you are going through. I hope you have support and people who are understanding. Sorry for rambling, just want you to know it does get better and easier with time.

Dalmationdots, thank you for your input. It is encouraging to read others experiences in this situation.

He has been extremely selfish for most of our marriage. I tried to do my best because I didn't want a fragmented family unit, but now I think it is for the best. He too was very horrible over the last year (I guess as he was seeing her that contributed to that), it was tense at home and he did very little with the children. He actually sees more of them now than he did when he was here. But I am anxious and wary because he is very changeable and tends to do what suits him at the time. I really hope he's doing more with them because he's genuine and not just out of guilt.

But what you said about your spouse getting more unreliable and going off the rails is good to know. I certainly don't trust my husband to keep his word. I discovered just what a pathalogical liar he is.

After counselling and much I do believe he has a personality disorder, based on my experience with him I think he is passive aggressive which helps in a way because I know there was very little I could do that would make any difference.

Nothing is ever his fault, he swore at me cos he got frustrated apparently, he got drunk and smashed things cos he was unhappy, he had an affair (and is still with her) because it just happened and he gets pulled into things! No accountability at all. I have no idea what he's told her about me but he was still coming here and sleeping with me while seeing her even after we had separated! So he hasn't even been honest with her! All he is interested in is blocking things out and his own enjoyment, drinking, sports, sex. As soon as stuff gets boring or hard he moves onto something else.

I will definately look into counselling for them as I can sense things are going to get worse.

trumphy I can completely understand, I too put up with horrible behaviour and selfishness, often creeping around/keeping the children busy or away so as not to 'annoy' him or stress him out.
I was desperate for my children's sake to repair things, at the end of the day though there is only so far you can go living that way. He sounds so alike my ex 'changeable' and 'doing what suits him at the time' is exactly how I used to feel. I am glad he is doing more- be it genuine or out of guilt, the children deserve it.
I too see it now that it was not me doing anything wrong or not being good enough, fundamentally he is the one who acted in a horrible way, who made the choice to cheat and then treat myself and his own children in an abusive and direspectful manner, and the fact he has done it all over again shows me it was not that he truely found his 'one' or 'soul mate' in the OW. It makes me feel a lot better knowing he probably has some sort of problem/disorder like you feel. Although I am genuinely gutted for his other children that they are now going through what mine did.
Mine also would not take blame/accountability for anything- there was excuse after excuse.
Try and write out a plan of a few special things you can book/plan to look forward to. The year after exH left I saved up to take them to Disney. It was so magical and allowed them to relax and be happy children again. It doesn't have to be something as expensive though, just things like every Friday after school having a special picnic or dinner. It really helped being busy and for the children to have times where they could enjoy their childhood and be freed from their new (a bit crushed) reality.
Do you have people supporting you?
Are you going to stay in the house or do you think moving may help to have a fresh start?

I think the most important thing you can do is shield the children from your feelings. My dad was an arse, no question. He let me down more times than I care to remember. My mum, however, lied for him and covered for him. She reassured me that he didn't love me any less, that he'd got "called into work" or some other excuse. As much as she probably wanted to let me see the truth, there's no way I could have handled that pain and disappointment at 7 or even 14. He couldn't protect me so she did instead.

I am so glad she did that. It allowed me to have a happy childhood without the stress of wondering what I'd done to make my dad not want to see me. Eventually, as an adult, I figured it out for myself - first I was angry that he'd let me down so much and I told him that. Then I realised that it wasn't malicious, he's just useless. I don't rely on him for anything, I know not to, but I know he loves me in his own way. I am also able to be immensely grateful to my mum for giving me that gift, I can rely on her and she loves me in her own way too.

Oh yes, the tiptoeing around at home, trying to keep the kids happy and quiet so they didn't bother him while HE was having a lie in. The more I look back on things the more ridiculous it seems. I feel such an idiot for putting up with it sometimes but when you are in that situation and it's your day to day life you get lost somehow.

He used to get stressy when they were babies and crying. I used to rush to them otherwise he'd get angry and slam things about and swear. It's only now I'm out of that situation that I see how abusive it was.

Fortunately I have a supportive family and my parents have been brilliant. I'm also on anti depressents and am on the waiting list for counselling. The kids are with him today and I have done nothing. Just laid on the bed watching telly but not really watching is you know what I mean. I just don't have the heart at the moment. I just feel like sitting quietly.

It's a good idea about having a list of things to look forward too. My finances are not great to be honest but I'm getting advice at the moment so things look a little less bleak. I would like to save up for a holiday though.

All.of this is so similar to my relationship with the ex, creeping around when he had a lie in (every fucking day), doing what he wanted just for an easy life!

Like shallol my parents never bad mouthed eachother when I was a child, they do now, and I don't know whether my dad was useless or my mum obstructive, they say different things.

I shield my dc from their dads lies, eg I once told them he had to work and that's why he cancelled on them. It was so tempting to show them the facebook posts from him and his gf about how they were having a lovely 'family day' at the seaside. Fuckers left half.their family behind :(

I also agree re the list of things to look forward to, I'm currently looking forward to a hot bath, with candles, my new smellies I got for.Christmas,.and a book!

Its so awful when dads just cancel on their kids and yet seem always available to be with the ow's kids. So cruel.

A hot bath with candles sounds good. I've decided I've done far too much wallowing today and so am off to the wonderful world of Tesco for a browse without kids. Not particularly exciting but anything to get out of the house!

I agree on the sheilding the children point. I did this up to the point of him becoming abusive to them and them becoming unhappy.
In the days before he left and initial days I told them the 'twisted' truth and constantly reassured them he loved them. It didn't solve things, in the end it became too obvious to them what he had done and his behaviour became so changed and aggressive towards them that they could see how much their father had gone off the rails.
It is for the best to do all you can to let them grow up with the security of two loving parents, as hard as it is. Should things fall apart later on, or you realise they are in danger, then react and support them in moving on/getting help.
Children will work things out for themselves as they grow up, but that is a much less traumatic and gentler way for them to see the realities and harshness of life.

So far he's been fairly calm. But when I start saying what I want he gets aggressive. Then he backs down again and says that he's not angry and I'm taking it the wrong way.

He got stroppy because I said he couldn't use the car (which is in my name, including the insurance and I pay for all the servicing, MOT, diesel, tyres etc) when he has the kids. He started threatening to take the sofa and microwave and kitchen as 'he'd' paid for it!. I said all those things were purchased together for the family home. But he had chosen to cheat and leave. Plus he never needs a car, he travels by train to work everyday and uses his bike everywhere else. The only time he drove was on the rare occasions we went anywhere together.

Plus I said to him we are getting divorced, why on earth would we share a car!? I offered to sell it and give him half the money, that's when he backed down and made out he wasn't angry and I was getting the wrong end of the stick! That's just a tiny example of what he's like. Getting angry then making out it's in my head. Ahhhhhh.

I'm going through this. My ex met his new Gf 4 months after we split (together 13 yrs). They've been together 5 months and ex told me last week the Gf is moving in with him, to the home we all shared as a family!
My dc are so not ready for this yet. I've asked him to wait abit but all he says is he is moving on.
As always he puts his own selfish needs before kids. Kids don't know he has a Gf yet and dreading it when she moves in and they will all be together, how strange it will be for dcs that its not mummy in the old bedroom but someone else. All feels like a bad dream to be honest.
I suppose all we can do is support our dcs and hope they won't be damaged as a result of their selfish fathers.
My ex already will put the new Gf before his own dc. Very sad.

Trumphy my ex plays those mind games too!

Oh Chocberry, that's awful. Funnily enough, I've been with my husband for 13 years.

Ye they are incredibly selfish, they seem to lack empathy when their penises are concerned. I even warned this new woman about him but I guess she will find out in her own time.

It will start one day with him being grumpy and she won't understand why, then there will be sulking and withdrawal, then the excuses not to spend time together, then the last minute calls that he just had to do something with a mate etc etc.

I expect he will cheat on her soon. My bet is in about 1 year.

Yes bloody mind games, and they wear you down over time don't they!? Now I'm out of it I can see it for what it is. It just gets on my nerves that everyone thinks he's lovely. He's sick in the head if you ask me.

gosh I'm 7 weeks separated after 13 years too! almost to the day. anyway OP you sounds very together. I have read your thread with potentially being in same situation soon. swears there's no one else but even if not he has more chance than me to meet someone first.

can't believe so many men dont put their children first.

I'm just trying to reassure my two dcs about how much they are loved. so hard when youngest cries saying, we dont all live together or why dont you and daddy hug anymore? so hard. so surreal.

chocberry your situation sounds so sad. what is wrong with these men to think its ok to treat their children like that!

Unfortunately Minime85, this is the second time that I know of that he's cheated on me. I had to do some detective work to find the evidence. He has denied it for months. I know it's horrible, but I suspect it is probably likely that your op is seeing someone. Men are very cowardly and will do anything not to be confronted or admit it. I hope he isn't but be prepared.

Oh yes the cheating. Mine cheated twice that I know of in the 13 years. For some reason I don't think he will cheat on new Gf. She doesn't have kids so they go out as a couple having fun. Whereas we couldn't often enough due to childcare so he would go out on his own and I would be left at home.

Ooooo men, makes me so flippin angry. Makes me worry what they've exposed me to as well. I suddenly thought about STD's! How humiliating.

Minime85 it's very early days for you so must be tough. Hope your getting support with the split.
For me finding out about the new Gf moving in hurts more than the actual break up itself!

Yes mine gave me an sti. While I was pregnant may I add. Bastard.