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Support for my son, ex girlfrirend , expecting a baby.

30 replies

maggie61 · 21/10/2013 09:45

Hope this doesnt upset anyone, my 18 year old son and his girlfriend split up at the end of august, it is now out in the open after weeks of misleading information, she wants to keep the baby, she is about 20 weeks pregnant.
Up until last week he thought she was having a termination, they even went together, for what he believed to be a termination (must of just been a clinic appointment, however he saw her given 2 tablets, she took them, phoned that night saying baby had gone ), she has obviously not been able to cope.
so until last week he didnt know what the future was, he is now flucuating between his feelings, he wants to be involved with the baby but not be in a relationship with ex girlfriend.
he is very upset, early days Iknow, says he feels terrible, his life is over etc.
What support can i get for him, he knows he will be involved with the CSA, can he get any benefits if he doesnt live with the baby, he is wanting contact with the baby.
He taking unpaid leave to go for a scan tomorrow, and took unpaid leave for the 'termination', he is a very caring person, just made some wrong choices.
thanks for any help you can offer .

OP posts:
betterthanever · 21/10/2013 21:15

OP I know you are his Mum and as a Mum I know you want to do whatever you can for your DC. However you are about to be a grandparent and the well being of the baby should be up there as well.
The situation isn't perfect but when the baby is born, is a toddler and a young child you will look back and say how wonderful it is. You know yourself being a Mum is hard but very rewarding.

Whatever your son's ex has done or your son tells you she has done, be there for her too and everyone will benefit and not the type given from the government. Your son can only do what he can do in terms of providing financially but what about his ex? she has all these worries too - try to work together not against.

You post does seem a lot about him when it has to be about the baby and if you can, think of all three holistically - this could go very right or very wrong.

It is very easy at this stage to make lots of excuses for not doing this or that but the more he does now the easier and happier everyone especially baby will be later. Going out with mates putting head in sand will not make things better.

There is lots of good advice on here, people are not being rude but they and I know what happens when it goes wrong.

I can't understand anyone who would think it is ok to take a newborn away from the birth mother for long periods? you can't shut her out as she is going to be the baby's mother and when he had sex he knew the risks. Even if she did say she was using contraception they all give that excuse.

They don't have to be together for it to work. You really don't want to know my story but I promise you it doesn't have a happy ending and it all began as you describe your situation now - please try and keep things as amicable as you can. You know it will be hard enough getting through the early stages but it can be oh so wonderful, please help them make it wonderful.

maggie61 · 21/10/2013 22:08

Thank you betterthanever, thats a really helpful post x

OP posts:
Dervel · 25/10/2013 20:18

As a Dad who has been through similar circumstances it does not have to be all doom and gloom. I also understand as his mum your instincts are to protect him, and that is perfectly natural.

It is encouraging to hear he wants to be involved with the baby, and that in my view is to be supported, but at this stage the person who needs it the most is the mum. She will be feeling absolutely up against it at the moment, hormones, legitimate worries about the practicalities, health implications. The absolute last thing she needs at this stage is a prospective father acting in an adversarial fashion.

I am purposefully avoiding the rights and wrongs of what went on between them. She could be an absolute devil woman for all I know, and that to an extent can be where you come in. If he needs to rant about something let him sound off to you, as it is far better he has a sympathetic ear than take any angst into a situation where he has to deal with his ex. If his priority is now his unborn child then entering into any conflicts with the ex is utterly fruitless to working towards that goal anyway, and can only harm that outcome.

The reality of the situation is that throughout the pregnancy, and the first few years of this little one's life it is best to think of baby and mum as one in the same, if anything compromises the mum that means it is compromising the baby. I know it might be very difficult, but if the both of you can stay the course, resentments between them WILL fade, and what will be left will hopefully be a lovely happy child securely bonded with both parents with two happy homes.

So basically at this stage hold off on recriminations and negativity, and get him to repeat like a mantra: "supporting the mum is supporting my baby". I cannot emphasise too much how worthwhile this will end up being in the end. There will be many fears, worries and problems you could foresee down the road, but do not be paralysed by them, and try to see the areas where you CAN work towards a positive outcome and at this stage and at this point that is to put a full stop on the arguments that have gone before, and offer to support the mum in whichever way she wishes. By all means communicate an earnest desire to be involved, but for the next little while it HAS to be on mums terms. Honestly early contact can only happen if mum is comfortable, so logically that has to be the only objective right now.

I am speaking from personal experience, that every morsel of resentment I swallowed early on, and every potential argument I wanted to engage in that I forced myself not to allow to occur that whilst it may not have felt like it at the time has been very worthwhile now I am in a decent position to co parent a child I love more than anything in the world, and I know loves me.

TaraKnowles · 25/10/2013 20:29

Great post Dervel.

MikeTheShite · 25/10/2013 20:40

I have been through a similar situation as a mother and I cannot appalaud deveral on his post enough.
My ex and his mum wanted my baby as a newborn away from me and had me driving everywhere for them to see my dd, unless i did I was threatened with court,
It contributed to my pnd and eventually with strength I took him to court to get set contact.
If only he saw it like deveral has put it, it would have saved alot of time, heartbreak and anger. Things are semi amicable now and dd is 13 months.
I've just agreed to let her go every other weekend to her other family and they will come and see her alternate Wednesdays at my home. We keep in contact quite buisnesslike, in fact ive just emailed a few funny antics from today to her other nanna.
So it can work out.

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