Support for my son, ex girlfrirend , expecting a baby.

[maggie61]

Hope this doesnt upset anyone, my 18 year old son and his girlfriend split up at the end of august, it is now out in the open after weeks of misleading information, she wants to keep the baby, she is about 20 weeks pregnant.
Up until last week he thought she was having a termination, they even went together, for what he believed to be a termination (must of just been a clinic appointment, however he saw her given 2 tablets, she took them, phoned that night saying baby had gone ), she has obviously not been able to cope.
so until last week he didnt know what the future was, he is now flucuating between his feelings, he wants to be involved with the baby but not be in a relationship with ex girlfriend.
he is very upset, early days Iknow, says he feels terrible, his life is over etc.
What support can i get for him, he knows he will be involved with the CSA, can he get any benefits if he doesnt live with the baby, he is wanting contact with the baby.
He taking unpaid leave to go for a scan tomorrow, and took unpaid leave for the 'termination', he is a very caring person, just made some wrong choices.
thanks for any help you can offer .

He doesn't need to be involved with the CSA. He just needs to come to an agreement with his Ex about a reasonable amount to pay monthly/weekly. In general terms it's 15% of his net income for 1 child. I'm not sure what you mean about him getting benefits ? I would suggest that he maybe starts to put some money towards essentials now to show his commitment in every way possible.
It's good that he's going to scans. Hopefully they'll be able to work things out amicably. He needs to make sure that his expectationsfor contact are realistic. For a newborn it mean that contact will happen with mum there, and that overnight contact is something that has to be built up gradually. Good luck

Thanks for you quick reply, is that right about babys mum having to be there for contact ?

I had looked at working tax credit, but am struggling with the definition of dependant parent, if he isnt resident parent

Of course she's not going to hand over a newborn

How is his relationship with his ex? If it is amicable, I would say that his energy is best spent at this point keeping it that way as much as possible.

It depends what you mean about contact as well. If he builds a close and amicable relationship with his ex during the pregnancy she may, for example, be grateful of the chance to go for a nap whilst he spends some time with the baby, or takes the baby for a walk in the pram to get him/her off to sleep. That's kind of one example of my point about time spent on that relationship being the best investment if it is possible.

Why would he need tax credits if he isn't the resident parent?

Think back to the days and weeks after you give birth and put yourself in her shoes. He , and you, need to realise that in those early weeks, it is unlikely that the baby, particularly if breast fed, will be away from mum for any longer thn the shortest time possible.
He will not be entitled to tax credits.

sorry, this is obviously not the right place to post.

comewinewithmoi, i am sorry but i struggle with , why not , he is the father after all. i wasnt meaning the very next day !

Really? Really?

He won't get working tax credits.

Oh course he will have contact with baby, however, he won't get full days or nights for a while. Yes the baby is his but he needs to do what is right for the baby.

It's not the right place to post if your main priorities are finding out what benefits your son is entitled to and what 'rights' he has over a tiny baby.

It is very much the right place to post if you want to advise your son about how to approach a very sensitive and difficult situation to ensure that the baby enjoys a good relationship with both parents and that they can co parent for the benefit of the child.

Its sad how posts soon get out of hand on mumsnet, i think if you read my original post its about asking for help, and the title says support. dont forget i am a mum too, and this is a terrible time for our family. it wasnt all about benefits and contact issues thats all way down the line anyway.
at the moment i am concerned about his emotional health, as he is not coping. the money side is secondary, but as he is on apprentice wage of £110 for a 42 hour week , its hard to be mature and see the reason to go to work at the moment, and yes i know the reasons but its not like that when you are 18 and just finding your feet in life.

Sorry Maggie61 It shouldn't be a "terrible time for your family" their is going to be a beautiful baby, a son/daughter, a granchild, niece/nephew etc. That shouldn't be a terrible thing. I was pregnant at 18 with no job and still managed to "see the reason" to get up every morning. His life isn't his life any more to do as he wants it's about his child.

If you're concerned about his emotional health maybe take him to some counselling. However £110 a week he's going to have to scrimp and save like I'm sure the mother will have to. Even if he buys one pack of baby grows a week he has 5 months or so to accumulate enough for this child.

He isn't going to receive any benefit the mother will receive tax credits (child or working) and child benefit I'm not quite sure why you'd think he'd be entitled to any of that? Contact will be minimal as they're not together at first and your son's going to have to get use to the fact that the mother is going to be there as I'm sure you where there when your son was born all the time. Only in time will your son have the child on his own.

Realistically he and the mother needs to sit down and have an amicable discussion on what's going to happen during birth and discuss what they both want/need from each other.

If you check out your local children's or Sure start centre they may run courses for young fathers. The health visitor may be able to help. Also Gingerbread is an oganisation for lone parents which may have resources. Bar or evening work should help him to work towards providing for the baby - not sure if a lone parent advisor at the job center would be able to help him find something suitable.

ok , can we forget the benefits , thats not what this is about, my initial query was because he will be working , she isnt ,so i wondered if he could claim the working tax . also i realise this is all pointless, i will find some dads forum somewhere , as i think mums have clouded judgement here.
I will be asking to delete this thread soon. yes we as a family will get our selves together and cope, but its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel from the dads place, i take it not many have older children to have any empathy .

No, he can't claim anything for the baby unless the baby is living with him for the majority of the time. If she is not working, she will still be entitled to both Child Benefit and Child Tax Credit, as well as Income Support, Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit.

He will need to discuss with mum regarding access but he can't really expect to have the baby on his own from day one - although mum may be happy for this to happen. The best thing he can do is try and keep her on side - no fighting for the sake of it, trying to go along with what she wants. Tell him to bite his lip! It will be hard for both of them but if they can both keep in mind the needs of the baby at all times, it will help.

I would say get him to honest about what he will and won't do and stick it to it right from the go. If that means he wants no contact then that might be the easiest choice for all in the long run. People may criticise him but the difference in her and his expectations are likely to be massive.It's the inevitable let downs, changes in circumstances etc etc that are most annoying thing about absent parents.

He should go through the CSA so that payments although maybe more expensive than private arrangements are not as disputable.

Thanks for those last 2 posts, it is all getting heated at the moment, as everyone is angry with each other, I have suggested he has no contact for the moment, to allow everyone to calm down, its too soon for him to make any decisions yet. Her mum and his ex arent wanting him around, he cant understand as he feels he is the dad and has a place, i have tried to say to him leave it til after the birth, it seems mean from his pov, but not if its going to upset everyone and ovviously most of all its not good for the baby.
I am telling him he needs to get on with his life for now, keep healthy, see his mates, the bit in the last post about no contact with the baby does make sense from some aspects, but he sees it as his baby too and no contact is wrong, i admire him for that, also it causes problems in later life, when the child wants to know more.

Maggie61 Have you spoken to him maybe about doing mediation of some sort? Even if it's the two of them in a cafe and someone mutual?

Otherwise maybe sit down with him and get him to write down what he wants it's hard because the child isn't born but things like scans, midwife appointments etc he may want to go to and then maybe you could pass it on to the ex?

He needs to go about his life for now but as I said before maybe buying something for the baby once a week he can then have enough for once he/she is born.

You're more than likely stuck in a catch 22, she'll tell you to leave her alone and she wants nothing to do with you whilst she's pregnant and then once the child is born she'll say you weren't there. He has responsibility for this baby as well and maybe if he's worried that she's going to deny him all together maybe you can sit down with him and look at the proceeds if that does happen so he's fully aware and can act as soon as possible in case it does happen (hope it doesn't)

Kudos for him wanting to be a father and taking responsibility for his actions

but he sees it as his baby too and no contact is wrong, i admire him for that, also it causes problems in later life, when the child wants to know more.
Well that's fine in theory but not so much in actual practice. No contact may be morally wrong on some level but arguing, bitter parents are worse. Why do you think the child isn't going to know about their father? My son knows about his Dad because I make sure I talk about him. They have never met and my son isn't at all bothered because he knows no different.

My experience of this is that letting the mother get on with it is the hardest option at first but the easiest long term. I know many fathers grudgingly doing the odd visit her and there - being always slightly disappointing for the child for whom it is never enough and annoying for the mother who is left picking up the pieces.

Your son did want a termination so perhaps you are projecting your feelings onto him? He has made an error that can't be undone but it's very easy to go along with everyone else's idea of what he should do.

I think the midwife appointments, scans and the birth are all 'out' if she is not willing to have him there. I went through a pregnancy and birth after separating from my now ex husband and there is no way on earth I would have had him around for that - they are private medical appointments which relate to the health of the mother more than anything and you can't be forced to have the dad there just because he's dad. You certainly can't expect a woman to give birth with the dad in tow if she doesn't want him there. Sad for the father, perhaps, but only mum should be able to make those decisions.

If her family are surrounding her and deciding your son has no rights and filling her head full of rubbish, he will have big mountains to climb. If he wants to be a dad, he will need to commit himself to it for the long term - not easy at such a young age but there are plenty of older dads who behave like 5 year olds in the face of responsibility so really it's going to be up to him! Ultimately, the baby has a right to a relationship with both its parents and the courts will uphold this. But if it is going to get that far, he needs to make sure he had done nothing at all to give cause for concern - so no dodgy texts, e-mails, Facebook messages or phonecalls (which can be recorded). He needs to keep his head.

I hope it all works out for your family. I am sure that everyone will adjust in time and it will settle into something that works for both families.

mumandboys123 I know where you mean my ex came to none of mine by my choice I even laboured on my own because of choice but maybe if her son wants to be involved he can ask then he's 'tried'.

If she's telling her mum she doesn't want your son around then her mum is going to support her 100% as will family members and back her whether. Maybe it's best you really establish what he wants realistically whether he walks away or not but if she's adamant now that he doesn't him around then that may not change so he needs to be prepared for that.

I agree with mumandboys123 No angry emails, texts, Facebook messages, comments etc. My ex did this and it showed how aggressive and angry he became. Don't bombard her with texts etc as she can see this as harassment and it won't help.

What are you on about? Getting tax credits?