I don't want my kids

[Cluesue]

I am a single mum to 2 girls and I've raised them both alone,1 is 7 and the other is 14 months,I've suffered PND after both,it very bad at moment,was talking to my friend the other night and we were reminiscing about life before the kids came along and then she said but wouldn't it be boring without them,she said I took too long in answering that one,the truth is I'm only really happy when the girls are in bed or school and napping,I'm longing to run away and never come back and I really wish I had never had them

cluesue [hugs]

I've felt like this too, with my 2 DC. It's important to realise that you are allowed to feel however you want. There are unwritten rules about behaviour which do have to be followed (e.g you probably shouldn't just go off and leave your kids) but you are definitely allowed to feel like you want to and there are many, MANY women who would sympathise with your feelings. I wanted to leave my 2-week old DS1 under a tree in his pram and just go home!!

I'm on citalopram too btw. I've found that it works best if you try to avoid negative patterns of thought too (I.e. if you know from experience that you're going to get upset if you dwell on something, then make a conscious effort to focus on something else - even something as simple as doing the dishes). I got a book on CBT and followed the suggestions; in conjunction with the antidepressants that has really helped.

You are not alone. Keep posting, there are people here (strangers on the internet, but hey ) who understand and care.

I would say it's quite normal to feel like that if you never get a break from your children! They can be exhausting...even at the best of times . I'm not able to recommend any resources as I'm not in the UK, but I'm pretty sure that your local parent-child centre will have some low cost/free programs that might give you a bit of respite. Sometimes just getting everyone out for fresh air can help too. Sorry I can't be more helpful but I just wanted you to know that there are lots of us out here who have been through/are going through the feelings you describe.

UnlikelyAmazonian are you alright Love?

Hi, I don't have any advice for you unfortunately but just wanted to reinforce that you are not the only one who feels this way.

My DS is 8 and a lot if the time I feel numb towards him :( I feel like I want him to go and live with his dad and he would probably have a much better life there too.

I'm also on AD's, 20 mg of fluoxetine (Prozac) and waiting for counselling, but like yourself I don't see how talking about it will make me feel differently.

Unfortunately I get enough time away from DS to see if I miss him or not and most if the time I don't :( think I'm just a selfish cow to be honest, or got worse MH problems than what's been diagnosed.

The thing is motherhood, especially single motherhood is just so fucking relentless. You aren't the only one who has felt like this and you won't be the last, sadly. Well done for admitting the problem and getting help from your GP. That is the first step. Make sure you ask family and friends for help. Be honest and tell them you are struggling. Sleep and look after yourself. As someone who has largely come out the other side be kind to yourself and ask for help! I hope you start to feel better soonx.

HowlerMonkey which book did you use?

I have PND and find myself slipping every now and then quite dramatically although I forget my tablets and feel fine and then stop taking them. Own worse enemy sometimes.

It's a shame people didn't discuss PND more openly I think we wouldn't feel so isolated and keep the negativity bottled up.

From my experiences of the last 5 / 6 months good days will come and you'll find it difficult to remember how bad you felt. I'm hoping the good days get longer and longer and my bad spells fewer and fewer with less intensity.

I feel like that often and I'm a flipping social worker and mum of five.
I was a lone parent too for many years.
It does get easier I promise as they get older and are more fun and less work.

I am sorry you are feeling so shitty, parenting is so hard without any help. Are you anywhere near the lovely Newport? you need proper real-life help, you know day-to-day routine stuff. Hope you can keep talking, it does help.

Yes telling a stranger how miserable you are will help because they are trained to ask you questions and help you to help yourself. There are many techniques they trained in, I. How they listen and respond that can help you to see things ina different light, they can also help with strategies and techniques that you can try to get thru the days and tough times.
Try it you got nothing to lose.

Some lovely support,thank you,it is good and bad knowing I'm not abnormal in the way I feel,good because it means recovery is possible,bad because it is horrible to think others feel as bad as I do.
Unlikely,I haven't seen your post but I got the gist,I know what I'm feeling isn't normal for me,yes I want to run away from my kids(I want to run away from everyone and be alone)but if I was to do that,I would come back,this I know,I'd never give them away.
I'm very frustrated and angry with myself,all I ever wanted was children and now I have them and I feel so crap it's heartbreaking,seeing the effect it's having on my oldest is the worst,I'm terrified she'll grow up and say she felt unloved,the worse I feel,the worse she behaves,it's a vicious circle.
I have looked up support groups etc,there's nothing local,there is a voluntary councillor the gp recommends,may see about that and maybe give it a go.
Have managed to book a haircut as I've put it off so long I look like a tramp,even showering has been an effort each day these last few weeks

Do give the councillor a go Cluesue, it will help I'm sure. I saw one for 4 weeks and it honestly started me in a better direction and, as said above, gave me a few strategies to cope. It was hard at the time because I was facing up to the things that were causing me so much misery, but longer term it really helped.

Good on you re haircut - looking after myself always lifts my mood, hope it does the same for you.

You will look back on this time and feel really proud of yourself for getting through it. Just focus on making a happy, cosy home for you and your babies. x

Cluesue just please keep in your head that these feelings won't last forever. I know how absolutely hopeless life seems atm but take baby steps and a combination of medication, exercise and healthy eating will all get you to the place you want to be. You're not abnormal in the way you're feeling...only by feeling good and positive with yourself can you begin to focus on your kids. Give the citalopram time to work and in the meantime get out and about and try to occupy your time by making playdates or mother and toddler groups. Ask your GP for counselling...be persistent with him or her. Google moodjuice for some advice on depression and anxiety and please don't be afraid to share how you're feeling with family and close friends. I know you maybe don't want to burden your family but your mum would want to be there just to support and talk to you. I've experience of PND, depression and anxiety and also have family with bi polar so if you need to talk, I'm here. Take care, be strong and stay positive xx