How do lone parents cope??

[Fishandjam]

Both on a day-to-day level, and in a crisis?

I'm married with two DC. Recently we've had the latter situation; I went to the out of hours GP with a shocking headache, and ended up 4 days in hospital with meningitis. We have no family locally who could look after the DC. It crossed my mind several times that if DH hadn't been there, what would have happened to my kids while I was comatose on a drip?

And just the day-to-day stuff; my older DS is a right handful and after a day trying to manage him and spend some time with younger DD too, I'm often weeping with tiredness and frustration. Knowing DH is going to be home to help with (nightmare) bedtime and then all the night wakings is what keeps me sane.

So seriously - how the hell do lone parents cope? You're all heroes as far as I'm concerned!

With varying degrees of success

It helps to not think and just do until crisis is over

Tbh i think everyone- lone parents or two parent families just learn to adapt to the situation making best use of whatever, if any, support available t the time.

For example, your dh was there to take your dcs, if it was me my mum would swoop in and take over ( im very lucky) if she couldnt get off work exp and his family would probably juggle the dcs between them. I also have a sister and a very good couple of friends who might be able to help out depending on the nature of the emergency and what they all have going on at that moment in time.

Day to day i try and keep to a good routine so that even if im having the day from hell i know that come 7 oclock i can put them to bed and breathe out. Sometime i bring bedtime forward because i just need the madness to end but i know its not just lone parents that do this. I think everyone uses all sorts of coping strategies that are used by both LPs and two parent families.

I think the only way to cope as a lone parent is to not think too much about things until you have to. I have no family within 100 miles and only one friend and she has a new baby to look after so I'm pretty much on my own.

When the kids get sick and need to go the hospital or doctors we all go, if I can make appointments during the week I'll try and get extra hours at nursery but if not i take them with me. I suppose if there was something wrong with me my friend would help out for as long as it took for my parents to come but like I said I just try not to think about it so that I don't panic

Badly and by shouting a lot. Very low standards for housework. Accepting my job has to come first as I have to keep a roof over our heads. And putting up with not really having any fun or socialising.

You just work with it, you have to.
I am a lone parent, have always been and now have a disability which can involve hospital care, and emergency situations.
I have no one to have DD now, so it would be foster care, not great, but she'd be looked after.

Saying that, I often read threads on here moaning about DP's and think I'm lucky not to have that!

ss do emergency foster care. I hope never to have to use it.

oh and lower standards for house work, little socilaising otherr than mn and school gate, pacing myself.

Never go out - can't afford a sitter
Try to let DD do things a man in her life would - rough and tumble play etc
Try to be as cuddly as possible as well
Have to be good and bad cop all of the time
Lower cleaning standards
Eat her leftovers after cooking every night so the food stretches
It is possible but I am constantly on the edge and find it hard to switch off if my dad visits as relaxing is a bit of a luxury!

Agree netto

You just cope; even if you are unwell you get up, and get on - there is no choice.
You learn to be comfortable with your own company and enjoy what you have, and not what you don't.
I have been an LP for 13 years and it never gets easier but I have a great relationship with my DCs as they have not had to share my love with anyone else for all that time.

But shiny, how do you "get up, and get on" if you're so ill you can't even stand up? I mean, I wasn't being self-indulgent when I was unable to tell the hospital staff my address or phone no!

My mum was a lone parent to me after my dad died (I was 10). I think she had some sort of disaster plan where if everything really went TU she could get her sister to look after me temporarily. And obviously there were guardianship arrangements for if she died. It must have been hellish for her at times.

The dc's are well behaved when I'm ill. They are usually little shits, but when I've been knocked for six and had to stay in bed their gut instinct has obviously told them to calm it down.

When I'm very ill (which is more and more often as I'm so ground down) then either my mum or sister will get them to school and nursery. I did have to have a hysterectomy several years ago and my family had to sleep over for 6 weeks. It was great not doing anything .

Well every parent needs a list of people to call on. If you don't have a spouse or partner then it's family, friends, neighbours... Failing all that you hope ss will step in with emergency foster care. It s quite simple really.

And even if you have a spouse you should plan for the time they won't be available for whatever reason and have up your sleeve that list of family friend neighbour etc etc.

We are not heroes. We just do what we need to do .

Your second para is very true c'est. My mum went from happily married to widow in the space of a couple of months. I'm all too aware of how easily it can happen, not just through bereavement but relationship breakdown too.

It does worry me sometimes. We have no family at all close by; I have no family full stop, at least who could help in an emergency (only child, mum is in nursing home with advanced dementia). DH has family but they're miles away. Just have to keep on the right side of our friends, I guess!

DD's amazing when I'm ill. I had a period of 10 days recently when I was either in bed, on the sofa or moving around very slowly. Fortunately she went to her dad's for some of the time, but while she was here she was just totally understanding. She's only 3.

Like PPs have said, you cope with what's thrown at you. I often think I've got it easy just having the one DD and a dog. I know someone who's on her own with four DCs and she's in a wheelchair. The woman's a legend. She does it because they're her children and she loves them.

Or you get a good relationship with paid baby sitter or childminder who can step in, even on a paid basis.

I must admit I have on,y ever 1 bout of can't get up, and then I just get someone to take my DCs to school for me.
I waited 14 for an operation (non emergency of course) because I didn't have support and recovery for this was 6-8 weeks off work.
Having an emergency back up plan is essential as is making sure there is something easy to cook for tea.
I have been an LP for 13 years, and I now have 2 young adults so don't have this issue any longer which is a huge relief.
I am not sure how I have managed all these years but I have and the only real detriment has been to my social life; I really don't have much of one.

I would like more of the back-slapping from op please.

I think we LP's do an incredible job. I have no family to call on. ExH hasn't had any contact with ds since he was tiny and pays nothing.

When I'm ill it's really hard to get ds to school etc

But like others say, you have contingency plans. Ds has a guardian in case I die. The guardian is executor of my will and everything is left to my son so he will be looked after and it won't be too much of a financial strain on her until he reaches 18.

I love my son so much. We have wonderful times together. That's all that matters.

with lots of chocolate.
In all fairness how does any parent cope? you do what you have too.
never planned for it to be this way but wouldn't change it for the world!

If I were suddenly hospitalised, I would have to hope that friends would step in to help with the DCs until possibly my sister could come and help out (she's about 4hrs drive away, and has DCs and a job, but has a husband who can take over, so would come in an emergency). I have parents nearby but they are elderly and disabled and these days rely on me rather than the other way round.

I basically just keep fingers crossed that I stay healthy. When I get minor things (flu, D&V, tonsillitis etc) I just keep going doing the basics before collapsing into bed again.

At least the DCs are now old enough (14 & 10) that they don't need constant supervision - it would have been even more of a nightmare a few years ago.

My experience is that it's no different to having a partner living here with me ( I have a DP but we don't live together yet and he's not the children's father )

Honestly , it's not difficult on the whole. I work 30 hours a week, have high housework standards, expect a reasonable level of behaviour from both kids ( aged 6 and 14 ) and I don't take any back chat. Works just fine as a rule. I don't think of myself in terms of ' struggling, poor lone parent in need of sympathy ' or anything.

It's not toooooo difficult; sometimes I find it a lot easier on my own than having an annoying messy man to deal with.
It does help to have family or a couple of friends around to help - Ive worked full time for the past 4 years and my childminder has been my lifesaver - although expensive.

(disclaimer:i do have a partner now but we do not live together)

ditto what Teddy said.

I can't stand it when one my sisters says "but you're a SINGLE MOTHER! how can you afford that? how can you cope?" AAAAARRRGGGGHHHH

Well I'm going to slap your back whether you like it or not treacle . And yours BBQ. And everyone else's. It's not sympathy though teddy, it's admiration. Feel free to not accept it!

I think mums in general are amazing.

You cope because you have to.

I found it just as hard work, if not harder, when I was with my boys' dad.

I have 3 sons, 5, 3 and 10mths.

Today has been a long day. Generally though we keep busy. And having good friends helps so much.

I love the peace of an evening. I don't envy many relationships. Apart from one friend whose partner lets her have a lie in

My boys are doing well & I'm so proud of them & it's pretty much all down to me as their dad is a tad useless.

It's my family & friends that keep me sane.

I was a lone parent for 13 years, though I'm now married. I think I managed as I was quite young so adapted well and had loads of energy (and hadn't had much experience of life as a comfortably-off single adult, so I was always used to being frugal and didn't have to give up frivolous luxuries as I'd never really had them!). I moved to live near family once my DS was 3, so we had support when I was tired/ill and that was brilliant. I've never had to be a hospital inpatient in my life except when I gave birth, but I did have a period where my parents took care of DS overnight for several days, even though they didn't live locally at the time.

DS is quite a handful but it helped that he was an only child, so I still had a fair bit of time to myself. I used to enjoy my lie-ins actually and was happy to leave him to his own devices (when he was a bit older) without anyone else to nag me to get up at the weekends! Also I could get away with being fairly slack with housework etc as DS didn't care and neither did I; with my DH now I feel a bit more pressure to be houseproud!