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Original poster

should i allow my ex partners girlfriends see my daughter when shes with her dad

122 replies

lilworthy · 10/07/2013 14:42

hi im new to this but im stressed about something so anything if you can help in anyway right my daughters dad has just got himself a relationship with a girl he met of the internet and they have been allowing her to come down without my knowing and my daughter meeting her and im upset as i still love him in a way but we been split for 4 years now they have been together for under a year and i told my ex when we was able to talk to each other that he dont let my daughter meet his girlfriend unless i have met her just to get to know her and know she wont cause any harm to my daughter my ex was abusive towards me and i agreed with his mum because me and him are not allowed to talk because he keeps saying he loves me and that. we agreed that his girlfriend will not come down when my daughter is to spend the weekend with her dad and they asked me if they could take my daughter to the beach i said sure because i throught it ment my daughter and her dad were going to spend time together but i have just found out by his mum that my ex invited his girlfriend to the beach with them and that her dad and his girlfriend left my daughter with his mum and that and didnt spend any time with her at all and they keep going behind my back and letting my daughter meet her when we agreed that dont happen and his mum threaten me with court and kept saying if i got a relationship they wouldnt want to meet him they wouldnt care but if that was to happen i would want my ex to meet him if i knew it was going to last even though ive been on my own 4 years now due to my ex lieing and threating and all that his family kicked him out my parents gave him a place to live when that happen his dad kept phoning the police on my ex partner for no reason that i know of and my exs dad hit him he came to me because we was living together and he wanted to phone the police on his dad because his dad hit him and i stopped that he parents never liked me and i dont really like them anymore i get on with them for my daughter but i have lost the trust and respect for them now and im confused about what to do
thanks

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 11/07/2013 17:00

he's been abusive to you yet you want him in your home to visit? no,thats not on op. DV is taken very seriously where dc are involved. any risk of it happening and you run the chance of having social services involved!!

what is his mum wanting to take you to court for?

Original poster
lilworthy · 11/07/2013 17:04

She told me to go see my solicitor and she is going to see theirs thats what she said

OP posts:
HoldingHigh · 11/07/2013 17:06

OP, he may have been wrong to make you aware that your DD is meeting his new girlfriend but maybe it was just a slip thought on his part and not deliberately intentional. How many times has your DD met her? Has she
told you each time she's met dad's friend? (as you say dad says she's a friend). I am aware that you feel the need to meet her but you come across as someone who hasn't accepted the closure of the relationship and somewhat hostile (without probably meaning to). Meeting her when feeling like this isn't going to do anyone any good. As long as your DD is happy with the situation - that's the main concern.

Has your DD said she doesn't see her dad much during her visits? If that's the case then I agree something needs to be said as it is affecting her.

As for her mum taking you to court - provided you don't stop access on the grounds of dad having a new girlfriend or a trivial matter I can't see where she'd get on the court route anyway. It would be a waste of time and money so I wouldn't worry about it.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2013 17:06

What was the conversation that lead up to her saying this?

HeySoulSister · 11/07/2013 17:07

right. so she wants her own access? or is it on behalf of her son? (which she cant take further)

look,most threats are just that,threats. why don't you keep a diary of events in anticipation of solicitors becoming involved?

before it got to court I suspect mediation would be suggested

keep doing what your doing but i'd suggest you distance yourself a little....work on your own life and try and move on a bit. see the gp?

HoldingHigh · 11/07/2013 17:09

If the police were called during an incident there would most definitely be some sort of SS report about it somewhere as it's protocol for them to inform SS when a child is involved.

Original poster
lilworthy · 11/07/2013 17:14

On behalf of her son and I wouldnt stop her seeing her dad ever im fine but all I wanted was to know that my dd is meeting her I wouldnt be so bothered if they had told me I dont care about him I think he is a arsehole. My dd had only said she had mry her once and why does my dd keep saying she dont want to see her dad everytime its his time to spend with her and she wont say why.sorry cant see my phone screen properly

OP posts:
Original poster
lilworthy · 11/07/2013 17:18

And I am trying but how do I do that when ive got no choice but to see them and they make it hard for me when they come to pick her up they try and just take her away from me this is killing me because this is my dd

OP posts:
DonutForMyself · 11/07/2013 17:19

You're concerned for her safety because her dad is an abusive arse. That has nothing to do with his new GF.

If your only concern about her is that he met her online, well sorry, that's how a lot of people date these days.

We're not all nut jobs, most of us are just busy people who don't have the time or opportunity to go and hang around in a bar to wait until we're picked up, we prefer to find out about a guy from some basic info on a website and then meet him. If we get on well, it may become a relationship, which apparently your ex & his GF have done. That doesn't make her a loser or a weirdo.

The fact that she has no children of her own is also irrelevant. If you're worried she will try and take your place, please don't. It's not as easy to love someone else's children as it is your own. She may well be fond of your daughter but I doubt she will be trying to take your place in any way. She'll probably look forward to the times she can be with her BF without DD in tow.

If you have genuine concerns about her safety then address those with the relevant authorities, but don't make this about the GF. I dreaded meeting my boyfriend's ex, but when I did we said a quick hello and she went off muttering about me seeming nice. She knows nothing about me from our brief encounters, but she trusts that my BF wouldn't allow someone to harm his kids. My ex doesn't have a GF but again, if he met someone it would be one of my business, especially if the kids liked her.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2013 17:21

Your Ex's mother cannot take you to court on behalf of your Ex. So her threats are empty and you can chose to document them in a diary or forget them.

Your Ex does not have to tell you anything about who your DD meets when she is with him.

None of us can possibly know why your DD says that she doesn't want to see her dad. And it doesn't really matter as you do not believe her to be at risk and you are not going to withhold contact.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2013 17:23

How are they making it hard for you?

HeySoulSister · 11/07/2013 17:25

so now you are saying your dd is not wanting to go?

the story changes fast!

HoldingHigh · 11/07/2013 17:28

From the outside prespective you need to take a step away from the situation and accept it for what it is. Your ex has a new partner who is most likely going to be seeing your daughter quite a bit. If they've been together 2-3 years and your DD has only met her once then your ex has obviously given your DD some thought and looked at where the relationship was heading before introductions.

teenagetantrums · 11/07/2013 17:33

OP do you want your daughter to see her dad? if you do let her go, if you think its not safe keep her at home, im not sure what his girlfriend has to do with all this at all.

Original poster
lilworthy · 11/07/2013 17:34

She has only mentioned seeing her once and said they went the beach and her dad amd his gf left them. And yes she says it all the time I dont know why. I keep asking her and wont say why shes told me she hates her dad I dont know why. But his mum told me that she has met 3-4 times!

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 11/07/2013 17:39

but your dd goes off with them happily at handover? yet she 'hates' him? don't get it tbh

Original poster
lilworthy · 11/07/2013 17:40

Yes and nor do I

OP posts:
HoldingHigh · 11/07/2013 17:43

This thread is getting so confusing now. There's contradictions every other post. Either that or I'm not getting it...

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2013 17:44

Perhaps your DD is worried about you and your feelings OP. You seem to be indecisive, irrational, clingy, stressed, anxious and depressed. Your DD cannot but pick up on those feelings.

Go to your GP and ask for a referral to a counsellor. It's time for you to devote your energy to your issues and leave your Ex, his family and his girlfriend to just get on with their lives.

teenagetantrums · 11/07/2013 17:47

sounds like a stupid teenage drama to me, with no one thinking what is best for the child, and i still have no idea why the gf gets mentioned in the first post now its but my dd hates her dad...

Original poster
lilworthy · 11/07/2013 17:49

Im sorry but I have nothing to do with him and its his family that keep contacting me so you cant say im not letting them go on with their lives

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 11/07/2013 18:03

i'm more confused now

RobotBananas · 11/07/2013 18:09

Arrghhh fucking hell. Use the odd full stop, etc. Thanks. My 5 year old uses punctuation better than you do.

Original poster
lilworthy · 11/07/2013 18:17

Good for her!........

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2013 18:27

OP, you have demanded to meet his girlfriend. You have threatened to limit access to your DD. You are obviously having conversations with Ex's mother that are not simply about pick-up and drop-off arrangements.

Have your DD ready for collection, be there when she is dropped off and that's it. You do not need to interfere or engage with them beyond this.