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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

should i allow my ex partners girlfriends see my daughter when shes with her dad

122 replies

lilworthy · 10/07/2013 14:42

hi im new to this but im stressed about something so anything if you can help in anyway right my daughters dad has just got himself a relationship with a girl he met of the internet and they have been allowing her to come down without my knowing and my daughter meeting her and im upset as i still love him in a way but we been split for 4 years now they have been together for under a year and i told my ex when we was able to talk to each other that he dont let my daughter meet his girlfriend unless i have met her just to get to know her and know she wont cause any harm to my daughter my ex was abusive towards me and i agreed with his mum because me and him are not allowed to talk because he keeps saying he loves me and that. we agreed that his girlfriend will not come down when my daughter is to spend the weekend with her dad and they asked me if they could take my daughter to the beach i said sure because i throught it ment my daughter and her dad were going to spend time together but i have just found out by his mum that my ex invited his girlfriend to the beach with them and that her dad and his girlfriend left my daughter with his mum and that and didnt spend any time with her at all and they keep going behind my back and letting my daughter meet her when we agreed that dont happen and his mum threaten me with court and kept saying if i got a relationship they wouldnt want to meet him they wouldnt care but if that was to happen i would want my ex to meet him if i knew it was going to last even though ive been on my own 4 years now due to my ex lieing and threating and all that his family kicked him out my parents gave him a place to live when that happen his dad kept phoning the police on my ex partner for no reason that i know of and my exs dad hit him he came to me because we was living together and he wanted to phone the police on his dad because his dad hit him and i stopped that he parents never liked me and i dont really like them anymore i get on with them for my daughter but i have lost the trust and respect for them now and im confused about what to do
thanks

OP posts:

teenagetantrums · 11/07/2013 14:28

you are not listening nor have you answered the questions that have been asked, just remember in 10 years time your daughter will be able to chose where she goes and who she lives with she is not a possession, she has two parents and a right to spend time with both of them. Unles of course you think she is unsafe and can prove it.

HeySoulSister · 11/07/2013 14:31

Sounds like he is being responsible.... He sees her regularly, waited a decent time before introducing gf. He sounds better than some

Can you just see a sol? Can you afford that op? Does legal aid cover this type of thing still?

Original poster

lilworthy · 11/07/2013 14:34

i wish i could but i never will if you was me and you had done to u what i did you wouldnt and you would feel the same i am not myself and never have been since it all happen .i feel as i dont have a fucking life anymore and i dont care about myself. is that what you want to hear because this is what he has done to me. he has fucked me off im to scared to get in another a relationship which is what i want because i couldnt care less about him and his family anymore!!. they are all fucking dickheads!! but i have no self respect for my self because of him i only try and put a smile on my face for my dd but i cnt cope anymore but thanks for making me feel worse with all the judgement that has been passed against me

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 11/07/2013 14:35

Judgement? Everyone here is saying the same thing to you op....

Original poster

lilworthy · 11/07/2013 14:37

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2013 14:40

Please contact your GP OP and ask for a referral to a counsellor. You sound depressed and anxious, but your DD should not have to suffer because of how you feel. Speak to someone and regain control of your life.

Good luck lilworthy.

PatriciaHolm · 11/07/2013 14:40

You aren't reading anything anyone has said, are you? Just because no one has said oh yes, cut all contact now. We know you care about your DD. if you have genuine provable worries that he or the girlfriend are a threat, talk to a solicitor. If you just don't want your DD around them because you hate them, then see a counsellor.

Original poster

lilworthy · 11/07/2013 14:41

im going to see a solicitor about what grounds his parents has to take me to court thank you but fuck it i wont care anymore and i have tried to answer the questions as i have and how is he being responsible? when he is leaving his daughter!.

OP posts:

SerotoninCanEatTomorrow · 11/07/2013 14:44

OP you just aren't listening. You are taking offence for no reason - everyone is being really helpful and giving you advice, but you are reacting like a petulant child

You cannot dictate what your ex does in his weekend that he has access to his daughter.

You cannot demand to meet his girlfriend.

You need to move on - maybe get some counselling because you seem unnaturally attached to this man...

And seriously, I hope if you do see a solicitor you don't react like this when they tell you something that you don't like.

if you want random strangers to agree with you rather than give advice, there is another parenting board that might be more suitable

Original poster

lilworthy · 11/07/2013 14:45

i dont hate them i have just lost trust for them thats all and no1 is understand i never said i would stop contact all together and whats the point when he is not spending any time with my dd and im depressed more now but ive been stressed and depressed since i was 8 after a horrible knife attack on me when i was 8 and me being sexual abuised thats why i dont trust so easily and i have tried so hard and its just gone against me

OP posts:

Featherbag · 11/07/2013 15:00

How about setting things out simply and plainly OP, with full stops and paragraphs, and see if we're understanding you? Try just answering these questions - don't add anything or go off on a rant, just answer them.
1 - do you want your dd to have contact with her dad?
2 - if not, why not? In what way is contact detrimental to HER (NOT you?)?
3 - are you getting any help for your depression? Have you been referred to anyone by your GP?

HeySoulSister · 11/07/2013 15:00

You need to see a go for counselling then

He can leave her with his parents on occasion, just like you can leave her with a friend/relative etc....

Jux · 11/07/2013 15:52

Lilworthy, no-one thinks you don't love or care for your dd.

May I try to see what has happened?

You were in an horribly abusive relationship with dd's dad, where you lost all self-esteem and confidence.

Police were involved.

The relationship ended (well done ).

Since then contact has occurred with the help of his parents.

He has often left dd with his parents so that he can go and spend time with whoever his current gf is.

He has interfered in a relationship you had after your split, as a result of which that relationship ended.

He is now seeing his dd every other w/e but still leaves her with his parents so that his new love life is inconvenienced.

His family have lied to you by not telling you about the current girlfriend, whom he has been seeing for 2 or 3 years; you had been led to believe that she had only been around for less than a year.

You would like to meet the current gf as you think she will spend quite a lot of time with your dd.

You are worried that your ex is not to be trusted with your dd.

You are worried that your ex's gf is not to be trusted with dd.

He has made some serious threats to you, and the police are aware of them.

Is that right?

Original poster

lilworthy · 11/07/2013 16:11

Yes

OP posts:

teetering13 · 11/07/2013 16:15

I've just read the OP again ...

Dad took daughter to the beach with his gf and his Mum.

The rest is just jumbled up .. he did/they did, he said/she said

For your own peace of mind you really need to get over your ex .. that's the only thing going to help you ... not starting wars involving the kid

Original poster

lilworthy · 11/07/2013 16:26

Im not I just want him to spend time with dd and he is spending his time with his gf not dd that's what im upset about im with my dd when she wents up until she
Goes to bed only when she has nursery I go to work but im with her 24/7 and he only has one weekend to spend with her.

OP posts:

STIDW · 11/07/2013 16:27

Does your daughter's dad have Parental Responsibility? From the legal POV Parental Responsibility gives both parents have equal responsibility and rights to carry out those responsibilities. That means parents need to consult and agree important issues such where the child should live, where they go to school and medical treatment.

However for day-to-day parenting decisions parents may act unilaterally and each parent can decide who children spend time with, what activities a child does and delegate child care to someone else. So posters are correct, you don't have any control to "allow" your daughter see the girlfriend or grandparents. If you are hostile towards them that is your issue to deal with and you shouldn't use your daughter as a weapon by restricting contact.

Parental Responsibility also means there is a duty to protect children from harm. When there is evidence from independent professionals (school, social services, health care professionals etc) children aren't surviving satisfactorily because of the effects of abuse or witnessing abuse it may be a reason to ask the court to regulate the perpetrator's Parental Responsibility.

The courts will then weigh any harm the child suffers from abuse against the damage to their attachments with the parent/grandparents and decide whether any measures should be put in place to ensure that the standard of parenting is "good enough."

HeySoulSister · 11/07/2013 16:30

hold on....so you are now changing it to you not wanting him to leave dd with grandparents and to be there with his partner, to do all childcare?

Original poster

lilworthy · 11/07/2013 16:30

Im going to see what grounds his mum has to threaten me with court

OP posts:

Original poster

lilworthy · 11/07/2013 16:34

No your not understand he has one weekend a fortnight
To spend with his dd and he only spends a little time with her because he works all weekend but I dont mind him leaving her with her grandparent as only one wants
Something to do with dd but he leaves her all the time. But I never said I would stop contact with him and our dd I have never said that

OP posts:

teetering13 · 11/07/2013 16:34

On the plus side, your daughter has a grandparent that's involved in her life ... there's almost as many gp that don't bother as there is dads.

But anyway, I missed the bit where she's threatening you with court .. is that because shes worried you're going to stop access?

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2013 16:42

What exactly do you want OP?

Original poster

lilworthy · 11/07/2013 16:49

I dont know but I would never stop my dd from spending anytime with my dd. I even told my ex he can come spend time with my dd if he wants ill go upstairs while he spends it with her.but his parents wont let him because they dont like me but im more stressed because his mum threaten to take me to court and im going to see a solicitor to see what grounds she has. I think its wrong but all I wanna do is be known to what is happening with my dd when she is there I aint bothered he is with his gf. but I dont think it is right for him to take
My dd to meet her without my knowledge

OP posts:

Original poster

lilworthy · 11/07/2013 16:50

Spending time with her dad sorry

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2013 16:54

You have no say in what your Ex does with DD during their time together. As long as she is safe, the courts will not get involved.

What did his mother say to you?

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