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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

So, how would you define single parent?

36 replies

veryconfusedatthemoment · 03/07/2013 22:29

Just curious. Another stroppy email from exH, ending with you are not a single parent. Urr, yes I am after you fucked OW and I threw you out. You are still DS Dad but I am a single parent.

What do you all think defines being a single parent?

OP posts:

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elastamum · 03/07/2013 22:33

Living alone, resident parent to your DC. Pretty straightforward really.

I am one too

I do have a DP though, also a single parent but we choose to live apart each with our DC who are all settled in school

Meglet · 03/07/2013 22:35

Well, living alone with the children I suppose.

Even if children spend time at the other parents house some of the time it still means one person is doing the bulk of parenting on their own.

Original poster

veryconfusedatthemoment · 03/07/2013 22:56

Thank you both. As you say seems fairly straightforward!

OP posts:

teetering13 · 03/07/2013 22:59

Yep, vote here for 'living alone with kids' makes you a single parent

FeegleFion · 03/07/2013 23:02

Single parent- the parent who has residency, the one who; deals with the majority all of the crisis', drama, illness, moaning, tantrums, fall-outs, problems at school etcetera...

...the one who gets the majority of the snuggles, the milestones, the proud moments, the one who reaps the rewards.

Well, this is how it is for me.

bico · 03/07/2013 23:04

For me living alone with children and no contact with other parent at all ever and dealing with everything always completely alone.

teetering13 · 03/07/2013 23:07

True bico ...not sure I'd feel like a single parent if I had support, from anyone, an ex or family

Yonihadtoask · 03/07/2013 23:08

Yup. single parent is one who has the child the majority of the time, makes all the decisions, sorts out the childcare, takes the day off work when the child is ill etc.

I classed myself as a single parent from the birth of DS - despite living with his DF at the time (until I kicked him out a couple of years later).

I don't call myself a lp now - as am married to some one else. He is not DS' bio father, but he does a damn sight more for him/us than his DF actually does.

Chandras · 04/07/2013 01:35

I take a more basic approach, for as long as I don't have a live in partner, I consider myself a single parent.

There are obviously degrees of single parenthood, from those of us who are mom, dad, the only financial provider in the house and raising a child with no help from family, to those parents where the grandparents have unoficially taken all the responsibility of raising the child and allowing the single parent to go ahead with their life as if no child was ever born.

courgetteDOTcom · 04/07/2013 01:54

How would you define being a single person?

tallwivglasses · 04/07/2013 02:00

'single' is so last year. It's now 'lone' parent, which I rather like, it's like the 'lone ranger' (a bit)

'single' just means 'without a partner', whereas 'lone' means kick-arse, groovy all-round good-enough parent

Chandras · 04/07/2013 02:16

I differ, for me "lone" sounds as lonely or isolated, I am neither of those things, just single :-)

equinox · 04/07/2013 06:00

That made me chuckle Chandras where you state 'as if no child was ever born' I do envy those women so so much whose parents take over like that and let them go out and socialise/earn more money at the drop of a hat. The reason I hardly have any friends is because I moved up to an area of the UK where hardly anybody is single at my age (49) and I can't afford much childcare consequently not only do I not know many people and certainly don't have many real friends - I am also completely financially strapped the whole time as all my savings ran out long since and it is so hard to make ends meet! A long life single and friendless and skint if you ask me lol. Surely it will pick up one year ......!?

Numberlock · 04/07/2013 06:10

My boys spend half their time with me and half with their dad.

That definitely doesn't make me a single parent.

chickensaladagain · 04/07/2013 06:14

My ex told everyone he was a single parent and was getting lots of 'aren't you marvellous, single dad to 2 lovely girls' type comments

Erm, having them 4 nights a month and barely paying a penny in maintenance doesn't make you a single / lone parent you tool!

RitaFajita · 04/07/2013 07:31

I definately count myself as a single parent - ex is involved but I make all the decisions, have DD under my roof the vast majority of the time.
He has the freedom of a social life, using his holidays as and when he pleases and being able to pop out when he needs to - e.g. not being stuck indoors on a night craving chocolate and not being able to nip out and get some (can you tell I'm hormonal?!!) I do all the nurturing, worrying, and being the best mum I can be.... but I live alone with my DD, and no one to talk to about the small stuff... so do feel a lone and single parent.

IneedAyoniNickname · 04/07/2013 08:33

Like the majority, I see a single/lone parent as someone who lives alone with their child(ren)
My ex is involved and has weekly.contact, plus 2 overnights per month. Plus my mum is nearly.always around i need her, ie when I was at college she did pick ups once a week.
I find the idea that that dosnt make me a single parent insulting in a way. If I was still with their dad, my mum still would have done pick ups, but no one would claim Iwasnt a parent iyswim.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 04/07/2013 10:03

I see a single parent as someone who lives alone with their children and is the main carer. I still think someone who has help from family is a single parent as my mum helps me sometimes so I can have an hour to myself but she isn't a partner or parent and doesn't do the big stressful decisions.

I don't know I'd feel about having a live in partner. I still feel like I'd see myself as a single parent because my dd would still be only my responsibility etc but would see myself not as a single person if that makes sense? But then I've not had a partner since having dd so maybe that opinion will change when I live with someone.

I don't see a man who has his child twice a month as a single parent though and it does infuriate me when such men describe themselves as a "single dad". It makes me want to laugh in their face. I've spoken to a few on an online dating site who said they were single dads when in reality they saw their children for a couple of hours a week. Single dad? Erm, no.

calmingtea · 04/07/2013 14:34

If you tick the living alone/not cohabiting e.g. not living as part of a couple, separated/divorced/widowed boxes you are a single parent. Basically your exH is talking rubbish.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 04/07/2013 14:37

A single parent, to me, is 1) an adult who is not in a live in relationship and 2) has children who live with them as their primary residence and who they are responsible for, whether or not the other parent has an arrangement to see the children and/or pays towards their upkeep.

friendlymum67 · 04/07/2013 14:48

Yep - single parent here too - as in ex DH walked 9 years ago, when DCs were 5 and 1. I too have had the 'you aren't a single parent' comment thrown at me. Ermm yes I am - to quote FeegleFion , I am the parent who has residency, the one who; deals with the majority all of the crisis', drama, illness, moaning, tantrums, fall-outs, problems at school etcetera..

It is exhausting and very lonely at times! I also hate seeing all my friends that are couples, socialising, holidaying, together etc. As a single parent I am definitely not part of that loop

purpleroses · 04/07/2013 17:23

You're a single parent if you're single and a parent with at least a substantial proportion of each week with DCs.

But you're not your DS's sole parent if your ex is alive and involved. That's probably what's upset your ex - he feels like your're saying your DS only has one parent. I'd probably describe myself as the resident parent or primary carer rather than the single parent if talking to my ex

revealall · 04/07/2013 18:47

But what else is a bloke with children on a date going to call himself? he is single and he is a dad.

That's why the term lone as is lone parent/father/mother came in because it describes the parenting status rather than the relationship.

There are so many types of lone parents it hard to define them really.I am peed off with my mate though. She is always banging on about the hardships of being a lone parent (divorced 2 years). Yet she keeps her married status (Mrs ) and name, takes more than half of her ex husbands wage and he has the children twice a week. Not quite the same as someone who's not seen the father for dust.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 04/07/2013 19:20

I don't know if this is just my logic but when I hear "single parent", I don't think of their relationship status but their parenting status. So a "single parent" to me is someone who parents alone for the main part (they are the main carer). They might have a partner who lives elsewhere so they aren't single relationship wise but parenting wise they are.

So when a man describes himself as a "single dad" I don't think "single man who is also a dad" , I think "dad with main care of his children". That's why I dislike a man calling himself a single dad when he sees his children once a week because the term "single parent" has implications about parenting status that don't apply to him.

A man who happens to be single and also has children should call himself a "dad" or say he has children but shouldn't use a term that has been used for years to imply main carer to describe himself when it isn't true.

revealall · 04/07/2013 19:53

I know it's a commonly used term but it will have to change with the massive rise in lone parent families."Single" definitely implies something about your relationship surely?

For example "I'm a single parent and this is my boyfriend /partner" I think sounds a bit confused. Unless you qualify it with something like "new". Whereas if you say "lone parent" people can work out the bloke next to you isn't the father but your new squeeze.

It is just semantics though!

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