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Original poster

Do you ever get the impression they'd sign their rights away if they could stop paying?

57 replies

ChallengeAnt · 07/06/2013 09:55

Dd's dad is full of broken promises and talk about seeing her and then we don't hear from him for weeks. At the moment we are on a promise of a weekly phone call or text and its been three weeks. Whenever I tell him its not good enough, he switches to the "well I've not seen her in ages so I shouldn't have to pay maintenance" rant (his choice) to try change the subject and I have to remind him about CSA and contact being separate from maintenance. I honestly think if I said to him that he didn't have to pay maintenance anymore if he permanently signed his rights away he'd do it. It makes me kind of sad that its all about money to him and not about dd.

Does anyone else ever feel like this or have an ex who acts this way?

OP posts:
PostBellumBugsy · 13/06/2013 11:25

ChallengeAnt - yes, absolutely.

After 10 years apart, ex-H has a long string of broken promises, last minute let downs etc etc etc. If he didn't have to pay, I don't think we'd have seen him for dust. No actually, he'd have pitched up twice a year with a whole load of presents and a handful of £10 notes, so that in his head he could still pretend that he was a great dad.

khotney · 13/06/2013 12:06

ChallengeAnt I really don't know why men are so heartless, you wonder really don't they feel bad for doing this to their own child. Look like this thing about men being cruel is everywere (I call it cruelity). And if we knew the kind of jerks we were getting involved with we would have kept away but we dnt know how they are like till there is pregnancy or a baby that's when you see their true colours. My own opinion is that Men have really failed their role as men seriously

@lostdad I personally think the reason you are even paying child support is for spite not because u care about DC how can you say that? Anyway I kinda applaue for staying and not running away unless you were forced to pay child support then u went wat e heck as long as I pay lemme jus see DC

kittycat68 · 13/06/2013 14:07

apparently having read lostdads posts before(cos he post alot!!!) she did a flit with her son (wonder why?) although he calls it abduction!! which it is not as she has PR!!!Also how she would not allow contact when he demanded it. So he keeps taking her to court.
Now hes a Mackenzie Friend for Families Need Fathers (a parenting charity) club for harrassment and controlling fathers
Although i would hope he doesnt involve his child in his obvious hatred of his ex, because alot of them do.

Raaraathenoisybaby · 13/06/2013 14:56

Glad it's not just me that finds lostdad a bit much!

lostdad · 13/06/2013 18:00

khotney - in my situation maintenance was the one thing my ex and I never argued about (that was him being allowed to spend time with me).

I've seen a lot of mums and dads make a link between maintenance (there is no link in law) but it's something that never come up between us - although I would have thought it would have done.

Dadthelion · 13/06/2013 18:14

I want to see Lostdad and Kittycat68 get together.

A match made in heaven.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 13/06/2013 18:30

Dadthelion Grin

lostdad · 13/06/2013 19:18

I think it would make good TV Shock Grin

kittycat68 · 13/06/2013 19:41

good lord, heaven forbid!!! certainly would not be a match made in heaven!!!

kittycat68 · 13/06/2013 19:43

although it would make good tv debateGrin OMG lostdad we agree on something!!!

babyhammock · 13/06/2013 22:00

I do think the whole child support thing should be given much more weight and I don't understand why it's ignored the way it is.
Its just common sense that it shows a commitment to the the welfare of the child in general.

Raaraathenoisybaby · 14/06/2013 12:54

Exh withheld cm until just before the contact hearing. After that he referred to it in every sol letter as if he was doing me a massive favour and it was optional.

kittycat68 · 14/06/2013 13:02

unfortunately unlike some countries this is the law of the land. maybe one day this country will catch up. common sense dont carry much wait a courtConfused NRP seem to think if the child/children dont live with them then they should not be responsible, or I am not giving my ex any money cos they will spend it on themselves boozing it up.

My ex couple of months ago wrote to the csa asking for them to ask for my bank accounts to prove i am spending the£40 on the children and not holidays abroad for myself!! You just have to laughGrin. needless to say i have not reponded.

babyhammock · 14/06/2013 13:11

I read somewhere that in Canada, if an NRP deliberately pays nothing for a year, they lose their parental rights...
if only

kittycat68 · 14/06/2013 14:40

I think the canadian system seems better as a whole.
I also think people are also far to money focused though and thats both ways. Yes children should have two parents in thier lives, but they should also have two parents finacially proving too.

I have lost count on how many NRP i have been involved with that say they care and love thier children and want contact, but they refuse to financially pay for thier needs when they split up in a relationship. Its the children that suffer in the end because of it , you end up with two waring parents and a child going without. very sad situation all round. I do think if a parent doesnt contribute finacially they should have thier PR removed.

grumpyinthemorning · 15/06/2013 17:56

The worst is parents who use children as weapons. My ex messed us around for three years about maintenance and contact. He would bail at the last minute so I had to change my plans, or turn up late for pickup. Showing up early to drop DS home, then kicking up a stink when I wasn't in. Complained that seeing DS once a fortnight was too much, and he needed a social life too. Not sure how much of a social life he thought I had...

And the money. Oh, god, the money. Quitting his job every time the CSA got onto him, sporadic payments, complaining that he had bills to pay (because clearly raising a child costs nothing).

All to retain control over me. I hurt his manly pride when I left him, so naturally he has to make my life as difficult and unpleasant as possible.

Guess who got the last laugh? Fucker got done for a sex offence and I told him where he could shove his martyred attempts at parenting.

Icantstopeatinglol · 15/06/2013 18:16

I think it's really sad that there's dads out there who really would think like this. Surely it should be human nature to make sure your own flesh and blood are looked after. I know from experience my dh has struggled with not seeing his dd (my dsd) as much as he'd like but it has never crossed his mind not to pay towards her upbringing.
We're actually now at the point where if she decides not to go to college were thousands of pounds a year better off but were actively encouraging her to go because it will be better for her. Even when payments legally stop we'll still be there for her no matter what.
It's not been an easy ride but we'd do it all again tomorrow if we had to cos she's our family just like our other dc.
There's good and bad on both sides, main thing is trying to make things work for the kids regardless of how the adults feel.

LittleBabyLucas · 20/06/2013 14:33

My ds "daddy" has no money and is on JSA. I am still fighting with the CSA to get the meagre £5 a week CM. I live in a 1 bed flat with 1 year old due to DV. "Daddy" has been on 2 holidays abroad already this year first Turkey and then Thailand.
He owes back pay which they cant get hold of him to pay. He is refusing to pay until he see's his son, County Court and Caffcass have deemed him "Too Unstable to have contact unless it is at a contact centre". This was set up for the day after 1st bday, didn't show.
Going to tribunal now.
I have photographic evidence that he is doing cash in hand lorry driving and also of his holidays (facebook is a wonderful thing!)

It seem that the NRP's who want to help out and pay CM get stung and are constantly harassed by the CSA, but the ones who do anything to get out of paying get left alone.

I got £40 out of him over 2 months until he "disappeared". I found out his address and informed the CSA. Still nothing has been done.

Considering asking my bf how he would feel about adopting ds. We have been together for a year and all the kids get on, getting our first house together in a few months so one big happy family!

Good luck in your fight, mine is looking futile with no end in sight.

kittycat68 · 22/06/2013 13:02

CSA is absolutely USELESS unless NRP agrees to pay! The goverment seriously needs to sort it out before cutting benefits etc.

ChocHobNob · 23/06/2013 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocHobNob · 23/06/2013 10:35

I don't understand why a (good) father demanding his child has contact with him is any different to a mother demanding their child has maintenance from their father. They are both fighting for their child's rights.

Unless you are insinuating Kitty, that you know for a fact Lost Dad is a bad father. I love how the old "two sides to every story" is always bandied about when a father talks of his difficulties with a hostile ex. She must of course have reasons for behaving the way she did? Utter rubbish. There are unreasonable mothers just as there are unreasonable Fathers. Fathers deserve help and support just like Mothers on here do. No one would dream of saying that they couldn't possibly offer any help because they don't know the Father's side of the story.

Also if Lost Dad's ex upped and moved his child to the other side of the country without so must as a text/letter or phone call, is that ok because she had PR? I wasn't aware of that. Must remember to offer that little nugget of advice next time a father with PR refuses to return their child to the mother after contact has ended.

Just because your ex is a waste of space doesn't mean all Fathers are.

kittycat68 · 23/06/2013 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

kittycat68 · 23/06/2013 16:04

ChocHobNob: Little nuggest of advice, know what you are talking about before you post.

Insinuating that LOSTDAD is a bad parent is below the belt you dont have that right . I hav never said it so i think you should appoligse to lost dad here.

kittycat68 · 23/06/2013 16:56

chochobnob: I didnt know that you new my ex?
My experience comes from years of court cases supporting women of DV.

You are making personal comments that are clearly not of the topic in this thread.
Suggest you look on FNF web site for their own information concerning abduction .
Also you state parents fighting for thier child!!! this says it all.

saintsabove · 23/06/2013 17:50

ChocHobNob are you an Families Need Fathers advocate?

I think that you are being unfair to Kittycat here, having read the posts she has not said that Lostdad is a bad fatherConfused why would you say that?
Your post is clearly biased towards men and against women in general.