Partner and I are seperatingg, I am feeling in the depths of despair.

[trumphy]

I know that lots of people have gone through this and are going through this. I suppose I just want to connect and hear that everything will be alright in the end. I feel heartbroken. I feel devastated for my children, I feel hurt and used, I'm feeling so many intense emotions at the moment. Sometimes I want to scream other times cry. What do you do when someone tells you they should never have got married? That they've treated you appallingly for years because they weren't happy? I feel like such a idiot. I've lost myself along the way. I'm on anti-depressants and I've had counselling, but I'm still struggling. I desperately want to move on with my life but some days I feel like the pain of this breakup is suffocating me. :(

I am so sorry you feel like this. The initial stages are the worst. Counselling is great but it will take some time, so hold on in there, don't be too hard on yourself just take it a day at a time.
AP's did not work for me they made it worse.
What helped me was CBT therapy and some positive self talk.

The main thing is: none if this is your fault or because you are a bad person. People are sometimes not compatible but you ex feels the needs to blame someone to make himself feel better.

If your ex will remain in your DC's life then everything on that front will be fine - they will adapt at their pace if you can work things through together.

I remember a friend saying to me that I should imagine how I would feel in a year and try to imagine those feelings of more contentment, which I know is difficult. But it is true, we do feel better and we should be allowed to grief and time to put things back on the rails.

The cruel things he has said are just his one opinion and as I mentioned above said to make himself feel better and justify it.

I am sure better people will be on but didn't want to leave you unanswered.

Thank you betterthanever for taking the time to answer me. It does feel like a grief, like a death almost. Plus I've had other things going on, I lost a family member in death and my mum has recently had a heart attack. I feel like I've gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson! Although my partner just can't seem to empathise. He just thinks I should be glad it's all over. But you can't just forget and get over spending years with someone. Even though our time together hasn't been great, I loved him very much and it hurts when you finally realise the other person never felt the same. :(

Be strong. The first stages are the worst, so much uncertainty as well as those feelings of failure. You need to grieve your marriage and it will take time. Have counselling if you can. Talk with trusted friends and family. Your children will be upset but they will adapt.

I am two years down the line and now see my separation (still not yet divorced) as a very positive thing. I have become a much more open, confident person and have been able to find myself again. There have been really low moments - my ex frequently does his best to destroy my life but I am learning to let it affect me less and less. I won't pretend my children are happy we are separated but they are very matter of fact about it and are fine.

This part is going to be hard but it will get better.

Thank you MsColour. I guess there's no easy way through this. But I do feel like a failure. I find it hard when I take the kids to the park or out to eat and I see families together. I had to fight back the tears in the cinema the other day! I feel like half a person at the moment. But I am trying to reconnect with friends and fill up my diary.

Filling up the diary and reconnecting with friends is really positive.
Initially I also made myself do stuff just me and the kids to prove to myself I could do it and to learn to enjoy spending time as a family of 3 if that makes sense.

Poor trumphy

I recently got separated from my husband, it was a relief for me finally, as he had been so difficult and had undermined me and made me miserable for so long. He also said he should never have married me and that I made him! Hilarious!

However, it is so horrible and so hard especially if you, like me, are suffering from low self esteem. It takes getting used to and the uncertainty is the worst thing, it made me panic.

However, it will get better I promise. I still feel sad when I take DD out and see everyone else with their families, but when I look back, my H didn't like doing things together anyway.

I feel strong now. I am going to be the best mother and person I can and feel I am on the road now. You will too.

I drank too much wine to start with and didn't eat properly or enough. Then I snapped myself out of it, had my highlights done, ate really healthily and well, looked after myself and got enough sleep - it sounds trite but it really, really helps.

Little steps - you will start to see bad things about him soon - bit by bit you will be back on your feet and your children will be fine. Do try and make sure you have something in place with regards to contact for your childrens sake and yours - you will value the bit of space and time to yourself and eventually really enjoy it! Get it in writing so you can plan your life. Planning so you feel a sense of control is key.

Good luck

MsColour, yes that makes sense. I have to keep control of things otherwise the kids sense something is up and then start being a handful, which I really cannot deal with right now. It just feels exhausting at the moment, because I have to put on such an act.

I burst into tears at work today, thank goodness no one else was around, but my emotions just seem to sneak up on me at the moment.

calypso2008, thank you for your response. It is so true what you said about finding it difficult when you are around other families but your spouse not wanting to do that stuff anyway.

I've had to do stuff with my children on my own for such a long time and on the rare occasions when he did come, he wouldn't let us forget!

On the plus side, he is saying that he wants to have them every weekend for a bit, which is fine by me. I've already started having a bit of me time on a Sunday.

What gets to me is when he says how his mates are rallying round him and feeling sorry for him. One of his mates even told me how lucky I was! Yeah, he's great is you are a drinking buddy, but not so much if you are a spouse who needs some grown up one to one time, or heaven forbid, some help!

So two good things:

a) he is being responsible with regard to seeing his children (albeit just on Sundays. But, as I said, it helps you plan and get through, he is not messing you around regarding the children, that is a big relief. For them and you.

b) You have those Sundays for you. You really, really need to get as much sleep as you can, it really helps to start with. You have to keep your strength up - the emotional turmoil is exhausting. (well I found it was anyway)

You are already realising he wasn't that great anyway wrt going our as a family. If you are in any way like me, you are possibly mourning the relationship you wanted versus the reality. That relationship never existed (the ideal one I mean)

It is like a little death, you have to mourn it.

Doesn't sound like he helped you much at all. When my H left I had LESS to do around the house - none of his washing etc but also the constant mess he left and the constant moaning and criticism etc. You will, honestly, start to relax within yourself and feel better. Fairly shortly I should think. It took me about 6 months to realise I was ok. I am in a foreign country and have no friends or family here so it probably took me longer than it will take you to start feeling better.

Try not to engage too much with him. I can't stress that enough. Set up boundaries and stick to them, he will only bring you down and especially so if you engage with him enough and he sees you are coping.

You can do it
Change your house/flat around a bit too.

How old/how many DC's do you have?

calypso2008, I think you are right when you say I am mourning the relationship I wanted versus the reality.

When he goes it will be easier as I won't have two different dinners to do each day as well as the three loads of washing a day! He had gym clothes, work clothes, cycling clothes, on top of the regular family stuff like uniforms, underwear, etc. Dinner for me and the kids will be simple. Even though he said he wasn't fussy, he would always moan about what I had made Whether it was roast dinner, lasagne, fish pie, curry, tagine, whatever, there would always be something wrong with it. And trust me, I am not a bad cook! Looking back, I can see it was his way of putting me down all the time!

calpso2008 I have two children aged 9 and 10

Ah ha! The dinner thing rings bells with me too! Always what he wanted and never quite good enough, little comments about what he was eating.

Yes, you will find cooking just for you and DC's much less stressful, in fact life will be in general SO much less stressful although it doesn't seem like it now, I know. Hell, if you just want beans on toast one night (your meals sounds amazing by the way) then you can!

So he is still staying with you now? This is most definitely the worst bit. Where will he go and will your home be secure? Do you have that to worry about on top?

Brace yourself for when he changes his mind by the way, he will - just when you have been through hell and back and are starting to recover. You must be resolute in not accepting him back.

hi, it doesn't get better, I know how you feel as I felt like it too, it wasn't my choice to end the relationship but I look at him now and what he has done since we split and think to myself, no way would I get back with him. I still find it hard but my dd and I get through it day by day.

Sorry that should SAY IT DOES GET BETTER.

Foxy

How are you today Trumphy ?
Hope you are getting through ok.

Hello, calypso and foxy,

I'm feeling not too bad, I haven't cried so that's a bonus. I just have a constant ache in my stomach from when I wake up to when I go to bed.

Yes he's still here, although possibly leaving in the next few weeks. The kids don't know yet and that's making me feel terrible as well, poor little things.

I also keep having horrible thoughts about him meeting someone else which makes me feel wretched.

:(

Waking up in the morning is the worst bit isn't it?

The ache in your stomach is nerves and stress - poor thing.

When he has gone (obviously you will feel wretched at that time) it will get much, much better, fairly rapidly. You will wallow in having your own space and you will properly relax, after a bit, for the first time probably in ages. Honestly.

He is not going to meet anyone else, if he does, it would never last, it would be totally rebound. That is the stage, in fact, that he is likely to realise the mistake he has made.

You are doing well
Your children will be fine. You sound like a wonderful mother and a lovely person.

Agree with calypsp2008.

The hardest thing was telling my dd but she has taken it all in her stride.

Agree with calypsp2008.

The hardest thing was telling my dd but she has taken it all in her stride.

Thank you Foxy and Calypso you've cheered me up! Just need to sort out finances, I went to the CAB they gave me some general advice but they said I can't really start to sort things until he is physically not living here anymore. But I think once I claim, money should come through fairly quickly. I work part-time so I have some income from that, plus child benefit and maintenance that my OH will give me. It will be tight, but I'm looking for more work.

At least I will be busy! :)

Trumphy, you could be me a year ago. That stage where you have finished it but still living together is definitely the worst. It is like grief, but he is still there and the wounds are still raw. Once he goes you will feel a huge surge of relief, the tension will disappear and although you will still have to grieve for the future you won't have any more, you will be able to envisage a new life.

Don't take to heart the comments about how you should never have got married, it seems that some people have to rewrite the past in order to justify their behaviour.

There's no point either of you regretting the past, you have your lovely DCs and I'm sure there were happy times, but its only natural that at the end of a relationship, those things are forgotten.

I can honestly say a year on, I wish that it had happened years ago. We are both much happier apart, the DCs have coped brilliantly (in fact they see more of him now than they did when he lived here) and I have met a lovely new DP who treats me as I deserve.

Once you come out of the fog you will see how much better your life is without this man who never really appreciated you and enjoyed putting you down to make himself feel better. Yes, there's a possibility that he may meet someone new and he can criticise her cooking and make her miserable then. When you're ready you may meet someone yourself, but for now, the most important thing is to keep stability for the DCs and to start finding yourself again.

You will get through it and when you look back you will be surprised at how strong it has made you. x

Hi Trumphy, I can't offer too much advice I'm afraid, as I am in the process of separating from my H, but am here to hold hands and lend an ear.

OTM xx

I really worried about the money side of things too but although we are not rich we are able to manage finiancially. Things will sort themselves out for you.xx

Good point Donut about wishing you had done it sooner.

Once you are settled in your new routine, at some point, I guarantee you will think that!

I am massively impressed that you have been to CAB and found all the info out regarding finanaces - brilliant, you are in control. You should be very proud.

I was drowning my sorrows in a bottle of wine a night at that stage and dithering about

You are going to have up days and down days, today sounds like an up day considering the circumstances, you are not paralysed with fear you are dealing with it - respect!