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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Posting on behalf of my friend (a dad)

37 replies

RememberTheLovelyLieIns · 06/06/2013 20:07

A close friend from work has a 10 month old, he has just got a court order for contact passed, starting at 2 hours twice a week then building up, supervised in a contact center to begin with. He has had no contact since she was a newborn, and is very nervous about her not seeing him as dad, and there being a permanent effect from the lack of relationship as a baby.

I said I don't think she will remember, but I really have no knowledge of how important the first year is regarding relationships.

Will she see him like any other dad after a few months of contact, or a few years, or will permanent damage have been done from no early on bonding?

OP posts:
tuttavia · 06/06/2013 20:19

People bond with others under all sorts of circumstances. If he is consistent and kind then they will bond. It's really all down to him, though, and he needs to be consistent and thoughtful and prioritising her needs.

honey86 · 06/06/2013 21:08

why has it taken 10 months to sort contact?

Original poster
RememberTheLovelyLieIns · 06/06/2013 22:59

It's through court, I know some false allegations were made, and think he waited a few months to begin the case to see if initial anger at breakup would die down. (he ended it)

OP posts:
starbuckmum4 · 07/06/2013 10:03

If the contact is only supervised at first due to the age of the child and the fact he has not previously cared for her before the break up (rather than other reasons like he has been deemed incapable of looking after her unsupervised, is a danger to her in sole care etc) then it is likely to move on to unsupervised contact fairly quickly.

He will have the supervised 2 hr visits in the contact centre, then it will move on to unsupervised short visits, longer visits, more frequent contact and eventually overnights, if all goes well. That's usually the plan anyway.

As long as he is a good dad and a decent man there is no reason he won't have a meaningful relationship with her.

Concreteblonde · 07/06/2013 10:29

If the allegations were proven to be false why does contact have to be supervised ?

lostdad · 07/06/2013 12:03

Children DO need contact with both parents from an early age but there is no point worrying about what may happen - all he can do going forward is work with what he has got.

I was largely in the same situation as your friend - my son was abducted from his home when he was just 3 months and wasn't permitted to see me until a court ordered contact in a contact centre. My son is now 6 and is with me 40% of the time and asks to spend even more time at home. I hope this gives him some hope.

In an ideal work he should ask `Mum' to send a couple of the toys, blankets, etc. that the baby is familiar with to reassure her. Chances are she won't do that though so regardless of whether if she does or doesn't what he should do is take the same toys with him each week so she associates them with him and them become familiar to her.

On a different note - get him to join Families Need Fathers (google it and join up!) It has lots of practical help for people in this situation - support meetings, a busy online forum and people able to give advice over the phone.

iwantanafternoonnap · 07/06/2013 12:47

He will bond with the baby and vice versa as long as he is consistent and puts the needs of his child first e.g. not bailing on contact because he wants to go to a party. If he does that then I am sure that over time (could take a few years!!) that his ex will see him in a different light.

Get him to ask the mum what are important parenting things that she wants him to adhere to e.g. feeding etc, what are her favourite toys. Get him to write it down and pass it via contact centre if necessary or email so it shows he is interested in his DD welfare but not to be overbearing.

My ex was away for over 7 months of my DS life when he was 11 months old and the bond was still there when he came back (doesn't see DS at all now though GRRRRR!!) Your friend just needs to get that bond started.

kittycat68 · 07/06/2013 13:46

Lostdad: if a parent moves out of the family home leaving thier child with the other parent does this mean they have abandoned thier child?

starbuckmum4 · 07/06/2013 14:05

Concrete - In cases where the non resident parent has not lived with the child previous (or a baby which was born after they separated) often contact starts in a contact centre or supervised by the resident parent to ensure the child is not left distressed by being left with someone they do not recognise. I doesn't mean the parent is a bad parent or has done anything wrong. When it goes well, is regualr and shows no problems the courts are usually fairly keen to move on to unsupervised contact fairly quickly.

jessjessjess · 07/06/2013 14:05

Do you know the allegations were false? If it was DV or similar, it's very common for victims to retract truthful allegations due to fear, shame and various other factors. I wouldn't assume he's telling the truth (or that he's not, I'd keep an open mind).

lostdad · 07/06/2013 16:38

kittycat68: if a parent moves out of the family home taking thier child from the other parent does this mean they have abducted thier child?

ChallengeAnt · 07/06/2013 17:28

Less "abducted their child", more "escaped with their child" for the midnight flit type vanishing acts me thinks!

kittycat68 · 08/06/2013 13:12

i find it incredible how many dads claim that their ex abducted thier children when they split!! Also on the other side they then claim thier ex has abandoned their child when they hand over their child for contact with the other parent!!
Lost dad: i have been today made aware of a case of a father taking a child from school without the permission from the mother, and taken them out of county. this dad volounteers for FNF! comments?

3xcookedchips · 08/06/2013 14:10

Kitty: Unless there is a court order to the contrary then both parents have the right to pick their child up from school.

As for the taking the child out of the country that's a whole different story. On the face of it that is wrong and not something FNF would support, but would need more detail.

FNF is a parenting charity(note parenting) and not about Fathers rights. Its about ensuring the rights of the child and having a meaningful relationship with BOTH parents. FNF helps both mothers, fathers and grandparents.

After a relationship breakdown the majority of children are with their mother therefore FNF helps fathers in the majority.

Why don't you go along to a meeting near you and find out for yourself what kind of thing they do. It is certainly not anti-mum.

kittycat68 · 08/06/2013 23:49

no i am not saying that fnf is anti mum at all. They do have some valuable information available to all. However it is my experience in dealing with alot of mums that some dad that use fnf purely to bully the mum. And in this case in particular this father has been doing this for numerous years and is now a volunteer with fnf. My point is that some fathers as in this case use fnf as a weapon and a sheild. Also as in lostdads case and this one thier personal cases clearly blight their judgement and are not impartial. I clearly am amazed how this father who is a self litigant has gone on so long harrassing the mother.
In this case there is a contact order in place but indirect contact is on it for the child, as the child has refused all contact (teenager) for some time(years). But there is no order contained it it which prohibits him from picking up the child if so wishes. In which case it amkes a mockery of the contact order in its self.

lostdad · 09/06/2013 12:48

kittycat68 - this dad volounteers for FNF! comments?

Ooo. Ooo. I know the answer to this one!

Would it be something like `There are good and bad people in any group of individuals because no one is perfect'?

My turn for a question: Could you name me one organisation where everyone is perfect?

Just the one?

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 09/06/2013 13:40

Kittycat, I'm with you on being surprised how many men claim abduction! I know that my ex decided to go round telling everybody that I abducted our child (we moved house) and tells people that I lie about being worried for our child's safety with him among other things to stop him seeing her. Whenever I read a post on here by a man claiming abduction, I do wonder why the woman in question decided to disappear and if the man is keeping details to himself like my ex does!

kittycat68 · 09/06/2013 13:40

yes but lostdad you have previously stated on this site that FNF members wittle out this kind of behaviour from its members and this father has been with fnf for 6/7 years. Nobody has said that everyones perfect. But if you use an organisation and you represent them surely FNF should either out him or perhaps they stand by this kind of behaviour. As an FNF mackenzie friend yourself you support this organisation. This is why i asked for your comments. I am astounded that FNF have represented this man at court with mackenzie freinds, given the damming physcological reports done by the court which prove that he is a controlling person only interested in using the children and courts to controll the mother. This is one of the reasons for indirect contact with the children in the first place.

VBisme · 09/06/2013 13:47

Wow, how helpful to the OP.........

burberryqueen · 09/06/2013 13:48

my son was abducted from his home when he was just 3 months - you mean she left you and took the baby with her right?

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 09/06/2013 13:53

Ummm this is not helping the OP, lostdad has been wandering around the boards for months saying this maybe take it else where? For the OP.

kittycat68 · 09/06/2013 14:27

yes quite right Diaryofawimpymum. my appolgies OP!! this was your thread here. Can i suggest where lostdad takes it Grin !!!

lostdad · 09/06/2013 14:56

Go ahead...start a new thread kittycat68. As you'll see my first post on this thread was to help the OP and your first one was to attach me for it.

I reiterate to the OP - get your friend to join FNF. He'll find a wealth of experience and support that he's unlikely to get anywhere else.

kittycat68 · 09/06/2013 16:57

lostdads quote says it all!!!

Concreteblonde · 09/06/2013 18:55

I suspect that the OPs friend might fit in just fine with FNF. All these false allegations and then deciding to have no contact for months. Yeah just another poor little man in a batman suit Wink

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