Any lone parents with babies out there?

[SpicedGingerTea]

I've got an 8 week old DS.

Husband cleared off 5 days before I found out I was pregnant (after fertility treatment too). Unknown to me he had a mistress who was also pregnant. I'm in the process of mediation and getting divorced and trying to keep the roof over our heads.

Anyway, I'm therefore on my own with a baby. An adorable little baby.

But I am struggling somewhat and completely exhausted.

Anyone else in a similar situation? Or been a single parent from your child's birth or very early life?

Thanks

Congratulations on your DS! I'm not in the same situation, and wasn't when I split from my ex, but thought I'd post to bump for you - hopefully someone will be along shortly to give you some support.

Being a new parent is exhausting, and everyone struggles, but it's a whole other level of difficulty for you being alone from the start. I hope you can get some help/support to get you through this.

I am sorry to hear that the joy of your DS is being thwarted by your stbxh. How much he is helping? I had no help from my ex and friends and family were wonderful but they worked and had their own lives.

I can't stay on long now but I will post again -my main advice is not to think you are super woman. I made myself ill - doing too much. Cut out all non necessary things as once you start to get exhausted it is hard impossible to catch up on your own health. Sleep when baby sleeps.. please do this. You can do jobs together when he is awake. My DS is 8 now.. it has been hard but so worth it. Feel free to PM me and I will try and get back on later.

The fact you are in mediation sounds good - but if he wants to be a real Dad he needs to step up and help.... try and work between you a routine which is best for baby and gives you both time to rest.

HI there. I am on my own with an 11 month old. Me and my ex split 2 months ago. He was away a lot anyway so I'm not sure that it has sank in that I'm a lone parent yet as it feels that little has changed. Do you have family support OP? I found the early days of motherhood very hard so my heart goes out to you. It will get easier and there are benefits to doing it alone!

DS is 17m now and his dad hasn't been seen since my 12w scan.

My advice would be to sleep! Do dishes, tidy up and sweep/Hoover when needed, keep everything to a minimum at the moment. Get your main shop delivered but keep bits and bobs for popping out for a little while most days/grabbing a quick coffee with a friend. Invite people to come over too (not for dinner unless its a takeaway!), try and have facetoface interaction everyday.

Thanks for replying. I've been on the relationships board for quite a well because my STBXH is possibly one of the biggest bastards ever.

He is living with his mistress and I still don't know if she knows I have also given birth to my husband's son. She had her baby in December.

He has formally requested through his solicitor to receive no information at all about his legitimate son (i.e. my little baby). It would apparently be too distressing for his new partner.

To be honest I would prefer it if he stays well out of our lives. Mediation is to sort out finances.

On the other hand, my parents are close by and are helping enormously, so that's good. Plus lots of good friends and neighbours.

No baby friends yet as such, I'm putting off going to baby groups until mediation is out of the way (which should be in a couple of weeks). Plus I'm very nervous about going to them for some reason. I've asked my health visitor to see if she get 'set me up' with other women locally first, so hopefully something will come from that.

Thanks for all your posts by the way. I'm ok, just knackered and overwhelmed.

It's good to hear you have support from friends and family. In terms of the baby I found things easier from about 12 weeks. Hopefully you'll find the same. I hope your HV does some good match making for you! Today I had no plans and no friends to meet so I forced myself to just get out and to something nice with me and baby only. Somehow it feels lonelier doing this on a weekend. However, I've come to the conclusion that this will happen a lot and I'd better get used to it.

Christ on a bike I'm not surprised you're tired, you poor love.

I had DD now 26mo on my own, haven't seen Dad since 8wks pregnant. My advice would be to do some sleep training from the earliest possible date (I think at least 6 months is recommended) It's not easy but saved my sanity. You need to preserve your energy to keep body and soul together. I did the Good Sleep Guide by Angela Henderson on the recommendation of my HV.

Sending big hugs, you're not alone xxx

Hiya, I just wanted to suggest you get in contact with your local NCT branch to meet other mums with a baby a similar age to you in your area.

I had my DS after letting my exP know, he was insulting at first and second but at the time I agreed to 'no contact, no maintenance' after talks on regular contact as opposed to 'when he might feel like it' broke down.

This has worked for me and my DS, I assume also for my exP, but is not an ideal situation.

No opinion on your circumstances as they are different but on raising a child alone, yes, totally possibly and ime wonderfully without contact/finance issues many of my friends have.

My DS is now 14 so we have went thru the whole initial questioning period but I know there will be more questions to follow, including possibly inevitably wanting to meet his bio F. No advice on that. But I am sooo welcome to offers of advice for the future!

Thanks, nice to know there are others in my situation.

I went out today for a lovely long pram walk, and agree that weekends are the worst because I saw several couples doing the same thing. Week days not so bad!

Tricky tree, my husband left when I was 7 months pg (found out about his 18 yo GF, he's 36) My DS is now 14 weeks and we also have a DD aged 4. He has maintained contact but I'm not sure how long that will last. It's been hard, he shows no remorse for what he has done to me and our children, he lives the life of a 21 yo while I'm sat at home with our children who are lovely but at times I feel very trapped and vulnerable.
I have found that pushing on with the divorce and distancing myself from xh has helped. I'm going back to work in September and I think that will be tough but help to get me back on track.
We're not the first women in this situation and we won't be the last :( x

You need some mum mates. See if there is a lone parents group or gingerbread or something. Check out local groups. I know it's nerve wracking but you need rl support so you don't have to go through all this alone. Where are you in the uk?
Baby groups are fine you just talk about milestones and nappies and stuff it's easy.
I was alone from being 9 weeks pg with dd2. Meanwhile take it from me, in a lot of ways lone parenting is much easier - you get to call the shots and so things your way
Make sure you get a good settlement too.

I agree with the mum mates bit, please don't be put off because you are a lone parent, many male partners go back to work quickly and are not getting up in the night either, so the conversations will be very similar as the other mums will be feeling shattered too.
I tried to do nothing different because I was on my own, got out there, went to everything and we have a massive, brilliant circle of friends now and no one treats me any different it just me ... and my DS.
It was lonelier in the first year as the baby doesn't interact as much but you end up with a great little companion really soon - I find it difficult when people are in our space now and love it just me and DS.
Social media was a massive help in the evenings as they were lonely at first but you get used to it and you are not out spending money and I use the saved money for treats we both love.
But the first weeks like others have said is the sleep issue - please never feel guilty for having a nap if/when you get chance.
It is a steep learning curve but very liberating when you have been through it. Take it a day at a time for now..you are doing great.
My ex is hitting me twice as after going through all that and coming out the other side, he is now back saying he has just found out he has a DS WTF!! and trying to turn upside down the life of a very happy DS who doesn't want to know.... some w*nkers sadly never change.

I too am alone. My sons father didn't want to know during pregnancy was hard. I had my son 7 weeks early and I told him. To be fair he has stepped up, become a good father. My son is nearly 12 weeks and his father has got a new job 5 hours away. So the little support I've been getting has been withdrawn again. I find it hardest during the night as my son is playing catch up he wakes about 3 times. I'm lucky to have a great family x

Gosh, MrsGwizz that's awful. I'm so sorry. An 18 year old GF. My H is with a 40 year old divorcee. She has a really good job, nice house, nice car, and got pregnant within 3 months of meeting my H 'accidently'. No other children. Yeah, of course she did - she had everything bar a baby. Serves him right.

I'm going back to work in September, I work part time.

Will take a deep breath with the Mum groups then,..... Just need to get this bloody mediation out the way and then I'll give it a go. I really hope my health visitor can give me a helping hand with contacts.

Problem is at the moment I'm still getting to grips with the day to day stuff and DS has been sleeping dreadfully and been very colicky so routine has been out he window for the last fortnight. I also got tonsillitis when he was 5 weeks old which set us back a bit.

Personally I would prefer it if his father left us alone. He has shown no interest in the pregnancy at all, it took him ages to even acknowledge I was pregnant. I'd been with this man for 10 years. What outrages me is we were having fertility treatment and he was having his sperm tested last year when he knew his mistress was pregnant. Unbelievable.

Anyway, sun shining here so am going to do another nice walk.

Do keep reminding yourself of how amazing you are! It takes real guts to not fall apart.

I threw the routine bit out of the window in the first few months and just tried to listen to my baby to see what her routine would be. Later I introduced my own routine and it's worked-all babies are different though but relax and try and enjoy this time. I second all the advice about going to mummy groups-you need good people around you especially as junior becomes more active and you need helps with childcare.

Your XH sounds utterly utterly horrible. Sounds like you are doing great. Congrats on your little one! I've been alone since 8 months pregnant, different circumstances however as it was a much shorter relationship and we were not living together. My ex is also quite involved with our daughter and has always seen her regularly. She's now 2.5.

I joined a lone parents group but didn't enjoy it; it felt as though it emphasised my situation and made me feel lonelier. I have met other mums generally through my local NCT group, which I recommend.

Going back to work was good for me although I enjoyed my maternity leave; just to have a life of my own, social contact and of course money.

It's good that you can lean on your parents.

Try to do something nice for yourself sometimes so that you don't get lost in the exhausting fog of parenting. For me, this could be something as simple as reading the paper :)

Another lone parent from the start here!
My ex is involved, but he is living with OW and her daughter now.
I have raised DS (8 months old) alone. It's tough but rewarding, and agree with other posters re meeting other mums. I don't know any other single mums, but my friends are supportive (if a bit ignorant of the massive responsibility of lone parenting!) No one really gets it unless they have been there themselves.
Be kind to yourself and also get out every day - I found this to be essential as my mood would dip if I couldn't get out for some reason.
Good luck!

My stbxh left when I was 17 weeks pregnant to be with OW who is due to give birth anyday. I have 3 ds, an 11 week old, a 22 month old and a 5yr old. He wants to be very involved with the older two, but looks at the youngest like he is not his. He wanted me to abort my baby at 15 weeks, telling me it would be easier for everyone, and was not at all interested in my pregnancy.

I know how you feel with the being exhausted. i just try to get out everyday and celebrate the little achievements like managing to do the bins one day etc. I have found that having a routine for bedtime only has been helpful to me, the rest of the time I just let my baby tell me what he needs.

no babies yet, but i will do... split with my abusive fw ex couple weeks ago. im 18 weeks and 5 days preg. hes threatening court and malicious allegations etc etc etc. hes already tried to have my 3dcs taken from me (their dad died so im their only living parent) maliciously so he could get some brownie points from the authorities to try for custody. didnt work, but hell prob stoop as low as poss to get his hands on my baby. he keeps bragging that he has the contacts to run away abroad with baby if he wants to.

he reacted like that when i refused to row in front of my daughter, so i ended the relationship, which made him behave worse.
i dont want him anywhere near me or my kids hes a nasty abusive mess he even hoaxed my mum saying her cat got hit by a car, sending her on a wild goose chase to a vet that didnt exist. she was in such a state cos of it.
actually anxious about what he might have up his sleeve next.

i have 2 boys and a girl and im expecting another boy xx

Blimey, sad to see there's quite a few of us then.

I went to mediation yesterday (2nd session). Im doing shuttle mediation as I don't want to sit in the same room as my STBXH. He apparently was in tears - feels he can't see Adam (our baby) as OW is preventing him.

Mediator said 'he's a wreck' and needs to 'man up'.

I'm not sure I believe a word of it. I think OW still doesn't know. I'm sitting tight, as I have done for the past 9 months, in order to secure the best financial deal I can. But it's killing me not knowing what is going on at the other end.

My little boy has passed his 8 week check up today with flying colours. He has his injections next week then I'm going to brave a baby group. I've faced so much upheavel and shit and distress over the last few months, and yet I'm nervous about a baby group. Just worried it'll be full of baby-obsessed women (I'm not really into babies, which I know is a weird thing to say). I know I'm being incredibly judgemental and I need to prove all my prejudices wrong!

Eight weeks already wow Lou!!!

I'm on my own too, I've got nearly 9 month old dd.
I've just had to serve court papers to my ex to get a direct contact order

My ex threw me out when I found out I was 22 weeks pregnant. He left me for OW now fiance.
He doesn't see dd regularly, longest period being ten weeks. Him and his mum threaten me when the remember she exists and want overnight access
I'm living back with my folks, life's getting better. He arranged mediation then refused, so now I'm taking him to court as dd has a right to a relationship with him but he needs to know its the right way

I've bought my dcs up alone since my youngest was 3 months old . They are 9 and 11 and I can honestly say that the time has flown by !

When I was first on my own I was so worried about how I would cope with the baby stage etc , but I just kept on doing my best and I'm so proud of the way my kids are (although just thought about the teenage years are approaching ! )
They have morals and manners and I always get comments on how well behaved they are when with friends etc .

I've realized how independent I am now , a lot more so than people with partners !
The best thing is though , the bond I have with my dcs is completely on another level to the bond they have with their dad , no matter what he does in the future for the kids they will always know who has been there for them .

Hi,

I hope you don't mind me asking, but where are you all based?

X