Any lone parents with babies out there?

[SpicedGingerTea]

I've got an 8 week old DS.

Husband cleared off 5 days before I found out I was pregnant (after fertility treatment too). Unknown to me he had a mistress who was also pregnant. I'm in the process of mediation and getting divorced and trying to keep the roof over our heads.

Anyway, I'm therefore on my own with a baby. An adorable little baby.

But I am struggling somewhat and completely exhausted.

Anyone else in a similar situation? Or been a single parent from your child's birth or very early life?

Thanks

I'm south east

I'm in the south east too :)

Potato- Sussex?

East Midlands.

Sent my PiL some pictures of my little boy on Wednesday. They're desperate to see him, even if my STBXH isn't,........ I hope it plies the pressure on!

Hope everyone is well today.

Do you personally want him to see him Lou?

Not sure Make. After everything he's done I think it might be best if he stayed out of his life, but I find that very hard to deal with.

I can totally understand that Lou

For those where the father has chosen not to be a part of your child's life, have you tried to encourage contact?

Make- i'm in Hampshire.

Lou, i have been trying to encourage my ex to have more contact with my youngest, but only because i don't want him to feel like daddy only loved his brothers when he is older. I wouldn't mind if he had less contact with the older two... He skypes three times a week, its really intrusive (he likes to comment on my home).

Moving back to the South East in August!
Feel guilty as I'm taking DS away from his dad, but it's to do with finances more than anything else.
His dad and I will work hard to make sure good contact is maintained between them.

It's hard but you will do a great job. I was on my own from the moment I discovered I was pregnant with my 3 year old DD and it was difficult but I amazed myself how strong I was and independent.

I am now 27 weeks pregnant and alone again due to being with another fw unfortunately, and yes I'm nervous about dealing with 2 kids alone.
He started off saying he wanted me but not the baby and wanted a termination, now he is saying he wants neither one of us. I caught him cheating and on dating sites and he has mad that I have been in contact with some of his exes for the truth. He has been verbally abusive, so we are better off without him frankly. He is from another country and culture so I am wary about having him in our lives although obviously it's not nice for my baby to have no dad around.

Baby groups are not as daunting as you think and it is nice to know you're not alone in the things you find challenging. I did struggle a bit to get into them, but once there it was nice to have the adult company. Sometimes I missed deep conversation about other things than babies, but over all it was good for us to get out of the house. My daughter has friends now from that group and it helps to have mums and babies/toddlers to call in on for an hour's play or to have round to yours. I have tried to be as 'normal' as possible too and not to make myself stand out as a lone parent. I haven't tried groups for lone parents, might give that a go myself.

I hope that your HV can be of help, wish you all the best and good luck xx

Hey lou I posted really early on when you first found out about your twunt of an ex. Congratulations on your DS - Adam is a beautiful name!

I have been on my own since finding out I was pregnant, and my Ds is 15 months now. Honestly, the first 4 months I found exhausting. I cried loads and really, don't remember much to be honest. Then things clicked a bit more and I sort of came up for air. You are doing a bloody amazing job, it is HARD, and look at what you are achieving!

I also avoided mum groups, I felt like I was being judged, but also sometimes the jealousy of their happy family set ups just was too painful for me. However, when I did bite that bullet, I realised that actually most of them weren't living this utopian family life that I had built up in my head, and that it was worth it for the support a million times over. I found the groups were I interacted with my child easier than the sit about and chat randomly ones though - so baby singing and swimming were my faves, as the conversation was sort of directed a bit if you see what I mean.

Are you co-sleeping? It made my life a gazillion times easier. Trying to think practically what else helped.... will have a think and get back to you :)

Lastly (sorry for the essay) my ds dad didn't see ds till he was 4 months old. He now visits every 4-6 weeks, but has recently complained that it is too much hard work so has asked if he can he reduce this. I struggle with knowing what's best to be honest, so decided quite early on to try my damndest not to lose sleep over someone else's decisions. I cannot control how he acts, so I try to just accept what he says and go with the flow. I was beating myself up about how my son was losing out, and how could his father just not care like that, but to be honest, it changes nothing and all I was doing was upsetting myself. This is obviously easier said than done!

Your DS will be loved by so many, let others share in how bloody wonderful he is - and seriously, be kind to yourself. It is so hard at this stage, and you are doing a fab job.

Sorry for the essay!

Hi there

How are you?

I left my husband when my son was 4 months old. And I am going through a divorce.

Im determined to get through this its tuff, but I believe in God and am praying x

I second meeting mum friends too. As much as I love Mumsnet, I find Netmums actually better for meeting local mum friends . I'm also a single with two children and relocated to a new area to start again,
but likeminded friendship and support really does help. Good luck x

I have been bringing up two boys on my own for the last two years in a foreign country, their dad left when I was 3 months pregnant with the youngest, and like you OP it was after fertility treatment. It was all a shock at first, but two years in and we have a nice life that I am proud of

I totally agree with whoever suggested co-sleeping, its a great way to get your much needed sleep. Another thing that helped was having a routine of always getting out at the same time in the morning to do something, park or shops, so that they get tired out in the pram and then have a nice nap when you get home. If you can combine that with some social time for you with other mums then its win-win all round. It took some time, but I made great friends "through my kids" as it were. Try and find out if some mums are always at your local park at the same time each day. Some mums will do park one day, library another, then a club etc, if you can get chatting and find out about other peoples routines, you might find out about good activities to go to and when.

My kids have contact with their dad most weekends (but its erratic) I got some great advice from a counselor when I first split, which was not to try to "force him to be a good dad", be prepared that one day he will disappoint the kids, but instead of trying to prevent that or cover for him or make excuses for him to them ("I am sure he is just stuck in traffic etc") to let my kids see him for who he is, and be there to support them through it. If you are constantly trying to "make" them do better, you will get exhausted as its rather like banging your head against a brick wall. You can help them more by putting your energy into being the best mum you can be, and realise you have no control over whether their dad is a good dad or not.

good luck to everyone on this thread

Trickytreelou, my ex has never met my baby. If he wanted to, I would obviously try and make it work, but he didn't respond to my messages about him being born so I am not going to force him a this stage when r is still a baby (or ever - can you ever force someone? I don't think so).

I worry that he will suffer growing up without his dad in his life at all, but he is a very happy little soul for now.

Yea similar happened to me my daughter is only 6 months and he left at 3 months but had been cheating from 7 months into the pregnancy which I only suspected at the time. It's a struggle but they are worth it