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Original poster

Advice please, DD doesn't want to see her Dad anymore

26 replies

boo97 · 14/03/2013 12:14

This is really long - sorry and thank you for reading
DD is 11yrs and over the years their relationship has gradually deteriorated despite my and my parents attempts to advise him on how to improve things. He has always had to do things his way and will not accept any suggestions of how to help their relationship. Then when things go wrong I always get the blame.
He married OW when DD was 5yrs. OW is always making negative comments about me infront of DD and often has arguments with DDs Dad about her and me infront of DD. OW has hit DD on several occasions as well as swearing at DD.
On each of these occasions I have stopped DD going to stay at their house but have let her Dad come here to see her. He always backs OW, won't hear a word against her. On one of these occasions he refused to see DD for 6 months as she wouldn't go to his house and I wasn't prepared to risk letting her go there. I have never denied access but have stopped DD going to his house when I think she is likely to be harmed by OW.
Over the last couple years he has made arrangements to see DD and then cancelled them at the last minute. He now probably sees her about once every 2-3 months. Then it usually consists of her going to his house. them having lots of friends and OWs family around, DD being left to play with children she doesn't know whilst her Dad chats with his friends. He hardly speaks to her at all. In the car on the way to/from his house she says he often complains that he doesn't see her enough and that I am stopping her from seeing him. This is NOT true. He often sends me a list of dates he wants to see her and then he cancels most of them as he has wants to do something else like going to watch a rugby match or visit friends.
He phones her about once a fortnight, If we are not in he just leaves a message, and never tries our mobile numbers or my mums house, despite having all our numbers.
This Christmas/new year he made no arrangement to see her. She phoned him and tried to make arrangements but he couldn't fit her in. (I have difficulty talking to him due to his emotional abuse that caused me severe depression).
I have always had the attitude that DD should have a relationship with her Dad if she wants and try not to be negative about him infront of her. The last few years it has been her decision if she wants to see him or not, and most of the time she has wanted to see him and I have done my best to support her in this.
However on the phone last night, she told him she doesn't want to see him anymore. Understandably he is upset. However he is blaming me totally, saying I have put her up to this. I have not.

Should I make her see him? Is she old enough to make the decision for herself? Should I make her go to his house or is it ok for the access to take place here/locally?

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 14/03/2013 12:19

Can you ask your DD to write him a letter explaining why she no longer wants to see him? That way she has her say and he has the opportunity to take what she says onboard and change. Or not.

Original poster

boo97 · 14/03/2013 12:26

Thanks Dione, thats a good idea. I will suggest that too her. I'm not sure how much difference it will make as she has written to him in the past when she has been unhappy and it has made no difference. His attitude has always been that she is just a child and therefore cannot have a sensible opinion and is not capable of making an informed decision. She is actually a very bright 11 yr old (not that I'm boasting or anything!). I have to go to a friends now but will be back later. thxs

OP posts:

Tubegirl · 14/03/2013 12:34

Tricky. I imagine I will be in a similar situation in a few years. It sounds as if you have encouraged contact over the years and dad has been unwilling to give you credit for that. It's very difficult to make an 11 year old do anything and I'm sure there is also an element of not wanting her to resent you for trying to make her do something against her will. Forcing her may lead her to think you are disregarding what she is telling you.

You haven't mentioned any court orders so I am assuming the arrangements have always been voluntary. Legally you should be aware dad could apply for a contact order. However he'd have to show this was in dds best interests and the older she gets the more weight the court (through CAFCASS) will give her views. I might in this situation start compiling a timeline listing the contacts, the offered contacts, including the incidents etc just in case. It is dad's relationship with his dd and you are not responsible for it. You've done what you can to promote it but you can't fix it, only he can do that.

lostdad · 14/03/2013 13:04

Out of interest would you make her go to school if she said she didn't want to go any more?

Basketofchocolate · 14/03/2013 13:07

Let her make the decision as much as possible. As she gets older she may be less interested in spending time with either of you anyway as friends become more important, which is natural.

However, leave the door open for her to contact him whenever she likes. Support her and keep opinions to yourself unless she specifically asks.

Also, do tell her that her Dad may try to legally have contact with her so she is not surprised if it does happen.

Isabeller · 14/03/2013 13:10

lostdad out of interest would you make a child go to a school which opened and closed at random, where they were ignored by the teacher and another teacher hit them and made negative comments about you?

TooYappy · 14/03/2013 13:12

Going to school and visiting her father are 2 completely different things.

My Ds didn't want to continue his visits he was 11, I stopped them, his DF went to his Solicitor I went to mine and said, 'no' again ad now we have to wait for him taking me to Court.

As he is now 12 he can make his own choice on this one. Of course you will get the blame. [shrug]

allfornothing · 14/03/2013 13:16

For goodness sake lost dad, why are you always on a crusade for fathers rights regardless of how they treat their children? Have you any idea how ridiculous that statement is?!!!

Original poster

boo97 · 14/03/2013 16:28

Thank you all for your responses. The arrangements have been informal up until now, and I am aware there is a risk DDs dad will go down the legal route and will have to prepare both myself and DD for this. I have been keeping a record of all the issues we have had.
I want to support DD in what ever decision she makes and I will try to encourage her and her father to at least keep the lines of communication open whether by phone, face time or email. I think in her heart of hearts she would find it very difficult to have no contact at all.
She has often said that she wants a relationship with her father, just not the relationship she has. She wishes he was more like her friends Dad. Lately she has been the one that has tried to make arrangements and sort out activities to do with him and he just lets her down. It is so hard to see her get hurt and then say she wants to try again because it might be better next time. I tried so hard to make things work between her and her Dad and he has never changed, his constant emotional abuse took its toil on me and I am terrified he is will do the same to her. She is such a lovely girl.
Lost Dad I'm not really sure why I am bothering to respond to you.. but if my daughter said she didn't want to go to school I would want to find out why and try to sort out any problems, If the problems were not resolved I would change her school. I have tried to sort out problems with her father, sadly is doesn't want to accept there are any problems from his side and is not willing to even try any changes, he is now paying the price. I cannot change DD's father as I would a school!

OP posts:

iwantanafternoonnap · 14/03/2013 18:33

Ignore lostdad as from most of his comments he puts on MN he has no idea what children need or what could damage them.

Personally I wouldn't make her go as it seems your Ex's treatment and the OW is doing more harm than good. Would you insist she spent time with other relatives if they treated her that way?? I would let her choose when she saw her dad and if he did take it to court the courts would listen to her. It does seem like both your Ex and the OW are putting your child through some from of emotional abuse.

Sorry you are going through this.

mrscoleridge · 14/03/2013 19:32

Sorry op but I could not get past the idea that the OW swears at and hits your child! This is not an environment that is healthy for her (plus if that was my child the OW may not still be alive!) I think you should be guided be your child-she is old enough to make decisions

Fleecyslippers · 14/03/2013 20:27

I have similar issues, although it's Ex who has assulted DD.
She needs to to support her 100%. OW hitting my child would ring the death knell for any 'relationship' that your Ex thinks he is entitled to. She's old enough for the courts to take her views into account.

Fleecyslippers · 14/03/2013 20:27

And do fuck off Lostdad - F4J need a new Batman - why don't you just fuck off back there.

HTH.

allfornothing · 14/03/2013 20:45

The really scary part is that lost dad slabbers about being a Mckenzie friend, could you imagine that??!!!

allfornothing · 14/03/2013 20:48

Lol@fleecy!

Fleecyslippers · 14/03/2013 20:51

I did the F off bit separately - so when it gets deleted my advice won't go too

TooYappy · 14/03/2013 20:54

Arf!!

Couldn't have put it better myself, I did a bit of searching yesterday, lostdad seems to be a very bitter lostdad.

cestlavielife · 14/03/2013 21:42

No it isn't the same as school. As was said. If teachers were like that you would complain and if no result change school.
Can't change dad so have to respond by curtailing contact. Sad but that is how it is. Ex just spent half hour well earlier today screaming at dd thru letterbox that she had to go out with him when he had already been told no she would not..other dd was going to dinner with him but dd1 who is 13 has made a decision due to his past aggressive behaviours.
Shouting at her ..... It is hardly the way to persuade her..,

Original poster

boo97 · 14/03/2013 22:19

cestlavie that sounds awful your poor daughter and you. Fortunately, so far, DDs father has not really been aggressive. Most of his problems stem from his weakness and inability to stand up to his wife. She hasn't hit DD recently but is constantly rude about me to DD. And trust me, on the occasions it happened it did take all my strength not to go there and cause her significant harm, but didn't think it would help DD.
Most of his actions or inactions seem to stem from what he thinks other people think he should be doing or what his wife wants him to do. It never seems to be about what is right for DD.
He phoned this evening and seems to be in complete denial that she doesn't want to see him anymore. He asked if she had calmed down and what the arrangements were for him seeing her this weekend!, She and I both told him again that she doesn't want to see him again. He says he needs to go away and think about it, to come up with something to try and improve the situation - sadly I feel way too little too late.
Cestlavie I hope you are all ok.

OP posts:

HerrenaHarridan · 14/03/2013 23:21

What makes you think you have the right to force your daughter to have an unhealthy relationship that makes her unhappy? What will that teach her?

She is old enough to manage her own relationship with her dad, the two of them need to figure it out for themselves

HerrenaHarridan · 14/03/2013 23:22

Also dd is old enough that the court will listen to her

whethergirl · 14/03/2013 23:39

Your poor DD to have such a fuckwit for a father. No wonder she doesn't want to see him. She's been through enough...let her have her choice. Don't be blackmailed or guilted into thinking you have to maintain their relationship, it's his doing.
How about telling him that she just wants a break? She may feel differently after some time anyway, this way it leaves it open for her to change her mind if she wants to and won't sound so permanant for him to get so worked up about.

Seriously though, he puts in minimal effort and now he makes a fuss about wanting to see her. He can't just be a parent when it suits him. Idiot.

allfornothing · 15/03/2013 10:17

Wish lostdad would come back to defend his drivel

NicknameTaken · 15/03/2013 12:09

He's reaping what he sowed. You've done your best, and I don't think you should force her any more. He will rant and rave, but ignore it. If he wants to take it to court, your dd's views will be listened to.

cheekyweelassie · 15/03/2013 12:15

Wile i wouldn't force her to go see her dad and spend time with him, i would actively encourage her to do so x

If she ends all contact now i am sure she will regret it later and she will feel resentful that she was allowed to make that choice, and while she may stamp her feet a little now it will be far worse later if you allow her to make that choice x

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