This is really long - sorry and thank you for reading
DD is 11yrs and over the years their relationship has gradually deteriorated despite my and my parents attempts to advise him on how to improve things. He has always had to do things his way and will not accept any suggestions of how to help their relationship. Then when things go wrong I always get the blame.
He married OW when DD was 5yrs. OW is always making negative comments about me infront of DD and often has arguments with DDs Dad about her and me infront of DD. OW has hit DD on several occasions as well as swearing at DD.
On each of these occasions I have stopped DD going to stay at their house but have let her Dad come here to see her. He always backs OW, won't hear a word against her. On one of these occasions he refused to see DD for 6 months as she wouldn't go to his house and I wasn't prepared to risk letting her go there. I have never denied access but have stopped DD going to his house when I think she is likely to be harmed by OW.
Over the last couple years he has made arrangements to see DD and then cancelled them at the last minute. He now probably sees her about once every 2-3 months. Then it usually consists of her going to his house. them having lots of friends and OWs family around, DD being left to play with children she doesn't know whilst her Dad chats with his friends. He hardly speaks to her at all. In the car on the way to/from his house she says he often complains that he doesn't see her enough and that I am stopping her from seeing him. This is NOT true. He often sends me a list of dates he wants to see her and then he cancels most of them as he has wants to do something else like going to watch a rugby match or visit friends.
He phones her about once a fortnight, If we are not in he just leaves a message, and never tries our mobile numbers or my mums house, despite having all our numbers.
This Christmas/new year he made no arrangement to see her. She phoned him and tried to make arrangements but he couldn't fit her in. (I have difficulty talking to him due to his emotional abuse that caused me severe depression).
I have always had the attitude that DD should have a relationship with her Dad if she wants and try not to be negative about him infront of her. The last few years it has been her decision if she wants to see him or not, and most of the time she has wanted to see him and I have done my best to support her in this.
However on the phone last night, she told him she doesn't want to see him anymore. Understandably he is upset. However he is blaming me totally, saying I have put her up to this. I have not.
Should I make her see him? Is she old enough to make the decision for herself? Should I make her go to his house or is it ok for the access to take place here/locally?