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I hate that DD likes xp's new partner...

42 replies

Aimsmum · 23/04/2006 20:24

and I hate that I feel like this, but I can't help it!

I'm sort of torn between wanting DD to have a nice time when she is with her dad and hating that she seems to like his girlfriend!

She has only really met her on 3 occassions so it's all just a bit new and hard to get used to hearing DD talk about her I suppose!

It's not because I am jealous that xp has a partner, or that I want to be with him or anything, it's more that I hate that he has never been a proper dad to her and now seeing them playing happy families when he has had no interest in her before and I have alway done everything on my own is quite hard. And probably that i don't want to share DD with anyone else and a million different other things.

It's hard trying to be cheery and nice about her infront of DD and i am just feeling horrible about it and hating it!!

Any advice or experience, will it start to feel better?? Sad

OP posts:
cod · 23/04/2006 20:26

god i am with you

i would feel JUST like you do
BUT think long teerm if he stays with ehr

that your dd will gwo up to have loving normal realtion ships with both of her parents adn also a step mum kinda figure who may well put pressure on your ex to step up to the mark. imagine her wedding wiht you all getting on - Thats got to be worth it

( but yes they dont call em wicked for nothing ;))

welshboris · 23/04/2006 20:27

Dont know if it will get better, but when DD is older she will know who brought her up, who struggled to provide a good life for her

This new girlfriend is like a new toy, all shiny. The novelty will wear off, kids always return to their old dependable toys (not saying youre old!)

No-one will ever replace you in your DDs heart x

cod · 23/04/2006 20:28

but hse can have a nother friend! that if hte woman staysa round ti may all work out for ht ebest
hte two realtion ships don thave to be mutually exclusive

welshboris · 23/04/2006 20:32

yeah, if shes in it for the long run you should be glad DD likes her, she could have hated her

and if it brings her closer to her dad, even better

mistressmiggins · 23/04/2006 20:37

I can understand this

my ex had an affair and I kciked him out in Nov - he went str to her & is now in his SECOND house!!

he wants to start playing happy families and it hurts like hell - especially as when he was with us, he used to stay in bed Sat AND Sun til gone 9am

BUT I have never said anything bad and never will, and when the time comes, will make all theright noises cos as COD says, if shes there for the long term, it will benefit the kids

it still hurts & is still sh#tty

Aimsmum · 23/04/2006 20:40

Thanks cod and welshboris Smile

Yeah, I do think she is in for the long run as he has been with her for almost a year and a half, but it is only in the last few weeks that he has had any interest in DD meeting her.

I know it would be much worse if DD totally hated her and was upset everytime she had to go with her dad, but this is horrible too! 2 weeks ago the girlfriend gave DD a teddy and honestly DD has barely put it down, it goes to bed with her, sits beside her, goes to raibows with her and I have to stop myself from trying to steal it and bin it, which i know is totally irrational and's a soft toy!! BlushGrin

There is a bit of history between the girlfriend and me too, as she used to send me abuse text messages and phonecalls, which is partly why it has been so long before DD has met her!

Hopefully, it will get better and as you say it will be worth it in the long term and the novelty may wear off soon!! It's easier being fun for a few hours a week than it is in the normal day to day routine, isn't it?Smile

And I love the wicked comment too, thanks!! Grin

OP posts:
Caligula · 23/04/2006 20:41

Try and detach yourself from it. It's absolutely natural and normal that you feel like this, you are handing over your little girl into the care of this complete stranger. At any other time of handing over your child to someone's care, you've vetted them, they've been CRB checked, or they're relatives. This is the one case where you have absolutely no control whatsoever about who is looking after your child and so the feelings of hostility you have are more about the powerlessness of the situation than the individual concerned.

If you can recognise that and know that that's why you're feeling it, you can overcome it and feel as well as know, that it's not the GF's fault she's the one who happens to be in this unchosen situation. And if there's a next one, and the next one after that, you'll be able to cope with all of those too.

motherinferior · 23/04/2006 20:41

Oh honey, yes, I'd feel just the same. But the fact you're (a) quite honest about how you feel (b) being nice about her in front of DD shows IMO that you're doing very well indeed. I really hope I would behave similarly but sadly suspect I might not.

I hope you feel better about it soon.

Aimsmum · 23/04/2006 20:44

mistressmiggins Sad, sorry it must be so much harder knowing that you kids are spending time with the woman who broke up your marriage, at least i don't have that to deal with, sorry Sad

I try not to say anything bad about either of them in front of DD, but i haven't always managed in the past (about her dad) for which i am ashamed, but he done some pretty bad things to the two of us!

I hope it gets easier for both of us Smile

OP posts:
Caligula · 23/04/2006 20:45

Oops. You're handing over your little girl not into the care of a complete stranger, but into the care of a woman who has sent you abusive text messages.

Blimey. You're heroic.

Aimsmum · 23/04/2006 20:48

Thanks Caligula, heroic or stupid....i'm not sure which really!! Smile

I think you have hit the nail on the head really though, and I think it is the complete lack of control and powerlessness of it all that i am finding the hardest to deal with! I have tried to detatch myself from the situation and try to always make sure i do something when DD is out and not just sit about the house, which does help.

And thank you motherinferior, I am trying to be nice, but struggling with it!!Smile

OP posts:
FrayedKnot · 23/04/2006 21:01

I think I would feel just like you do Aimsmum. It must be horrible. However, I am also a wicked stepmother Grin.

And Cod is right. In over ten years my DH's ex has never managed to say one civil word to me.

I feel very sorry that if / when DSD / DSS come to get married one day, they will probably not be able to have a proper wedding and / or invite us all Sad.

Aimsmum · 23/04/2006 21:15

Thanks FrayedKnot, as i was writting the initial post i did thing about all the stepmothers on MN!

I agree that if she is here for the foreseeable future then it would be far easier to just get on with it and be civil at least for DD's sake!

I do feel for you in your situation, that must be horrible too Sad

OP posts:
Sparklemagic · 23/04/2006 22:05

Aimsmum, the fact that your DD feels free to like this woman, and value toys given to her, shows what a good job you are doing of being civil and grown up, and being a great mum to your DD in this family situation that so many children find so very hard. So give yourself credit for giving your DD this freedom!

i've worked with split families and seen many children stressed and anxious because of this sort of thing. You are doing a great job....

heymissymum · 23/04/2006 23:00

Aimsmum - you sound absolutely brilliant - especially given the abusive texting. My dp and I have a daughter and he has a much older dd from previous relationship and they split up some time before dp and I met. I have never met or spoken to the mother of dp's older dd , never even seen her - and quite honestly would like to keep it that way. Things ranging from instructing that her child must never enter my home (dp and I live together), when that didn;t work instructing that I must leave my own home when her child comes round (I bought this house years before meeting dp) when that didn't work instructing that dp must be by older dd's side at all times as I may attack her when he is not looking, tyring to instruct that I must put my own home in dp's name so that if anything happens to him older dd will have something to fall back on?!! etc. etc. etc. I won't go on because it is just ridiculous but I did think that as the years went by things would improve because the older dd will make her own decisons and not be controlled in this way. Meanwhile I am a mirror image of your self in a way, though I am the proverbial (wicked) step mum, I never say a bad word about older dd's mother to the older dd ever, it is not the same on the other side at all? But I think caligula's advise is spot on and explains your feelings and some of the behaviours of the mother in my own situation. I never see a day where we all attend a wedding / dinner etc. together and really don't want to now either. If on the other hand the older dd's mother in my sit. was more like you this could happen one day so keep doing what you are doing - your dd sounds quite young hence her enthusiasm, when they are older things can be very different, think stropey teenager fuelled by very interfering ex partner (teenager's mother)

threelittlebabies · 23/04/2006 23:06

Hi Aimsmum- this is bound to be difficult for you, don't feel guilty about your feelings. Sounds like you are doing the right thing and definitely being the bigger person. Glad your ex also did the right thing and waited for the right time to introduce dd to his new partner. Hope you feel better about things soon. As someone said, no one can replace you in your dd's heart. Take care Smile

rickman · 23/04/2006 23:08

God, I know just how you feel. My kids haven't met the new girlfriend yet, but I just know it's going to be all rosey and perfect and bloody irritating. It's irritating me already, that when I take the kids to school I see her car parked outside and his as well. He seems to take loads of time off now, he was never around when we were together. Guess that puts me in my place!!

I only hope that when they do meet her, I can behave as well as you are.

anniemac · 24/04/2006 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caligula · 24/04/2006 13:35

Agree with anniemac, that it is a very good sign your ex has waited 18 months before introducing her. It shows a previously unsuspected thoughtfulness and sense of responsibility on his part (or maybe it's her influence - she may have been the one who didn't want the hassle of being introduced to a step-child she might only know for a year or so and want to be absolutely certain that she'd be part of your ex's life for a long time before the intro was made).

Aimsmum · 26/04/2006 20:29

Thanks everyone for your advice and experiences and just generally being nice Smile

I especially appreciate the input from the stepmums, as although this girls feelings are way at the bottom of my list of priorities at the moment i can see how it would be much easier in the long run, if we could at least be civil to one another.

Tonight DD is claiming that she never wants to stay with them again and she hate the GF and thinks that she smells like cat food???? So i guess it's all still very up in the air!!

Thanks again Smile

OP posts:
cod · 26/04/2006 20:39

ok have just burned my peppers thinking abotu this
Imagine that dh had such bad judgement that he not only had a girlfriend but one who coudlnt stand your dd and made no effort to get on with her or even worse who was horrble to her

that woudl be way worse

Caligula · 26/04/2006 20:42

I have my reservations about anyone who is so downmarket as to send abusive text messages though.

Not the type of person I would normally want my children to mix with, let alone have an influence on their uprbringing, call me a snob. But she may have reformed. Was she very young or something when she was so naff, Aimsmum?

Aimsmum · 26/04/2006 20:56

She has just turned 21, so the text thing was when she was 20, so yeah, quite young, she is 10 yrs younger than my XP. She is also very immature, for example she has said in the past, before even having met DD, that they were going to try to take DD off me and have her live with them.....whereas I know there is no way in the world this would ever happen, it obviously annoys me very much.

Again, Caligula, I think you have hit the nail on the head, I don't really want her influence in my DD's life the same way I stopped DD from seeing my XPs family when they were filling her head with rubbish and telling DD her mummy was a cow and things, and I can see that through DD going to stay with her dad (last weekend was the first time she had ever stayed overnight with him, we split up 2 years ago) she is starting to see his family again, which I also hate. Yes, call me a snob too, but I only want my DD to have positive influences in her life now, as I have worked so hard in the last 2 years to make up for the awful influences and experiences we had in the 3 years before the split. And, I have achieved that, and I don't want it all to go to waste.

I am totally torn with it all!Sad

The most annoying thing is that my XP had no interest in having DD to stay or to meet his girlfriend, until he realised that I have sort of started seeing someone, so it is all part of a big game, I think. But then again they have been together a year and a half, so he is obviously going to be with her long term so DD would have to have met her at some point!

Sorry you burnt your peppers cod Grin

OP posts:
Caligula · 26/04/2006 21:02

Oh dear. 21 is so young. But who knows, maybe she has grown up a bit - if she's waited 18 months without stamping her foot and insisting on an introduction, that is a good sign. It could be that she's trying her hardest to be more emotionally mature than she has been in the past.

cod · 26/04/2006 21:48

i do hope oyu can manage to be civil

it doenw matter if you dont feel it but a kind friendly person may thhrow him off blance
adn if new gf is on your side so much the better

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