Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Do the fathers of your dc bother with them outside of their contact??

32 replies

mama2moo · 01/12/2012 13:55

I think thats quite a confusing title but I didnt know how to word it. I will explain what I mean....

Exdp and I have 2 girls. They are 3 and 5yo. I have just changed contact because I found 2 evenings a week was just too much for them. They are at school or nursery during the day and completely shattered in the evenings. He has them Tuesday evenings now for tea at his flat. He is also going to have them every other weekend for the night.

But, other then when he sees them he knows about them. He doesnt ask and I gave up bothering to tell him because he just doesnt seem to care. If dd1 does something good at school he just shrugs about it. For Christmas he has given me money towards their gifts but doesnt care what I have got them. When they are ill I tell him but he doesnt ever ask how they are or what the doctor says.

Is this normal? I do worry about the amount of attention he gives them when they are with him. I did have him see them at my house a few times last week because they were ill but he just sat on the sofa and watched tv.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

CatchingMockingbirds · 01/12/2012 13:59

Ex hardly bothers with DS when it is his contact time, nevermind outside, he dumps DS with the grandparents.

Original poster

mama2moo · 01/12/2012 14:02

Its not just my ex then. Its weird isnt it. If it was the other way round I would want to know what they are doing and how they are.

OP posts:

wannabedomesticgoddess · 01/12/2012 14:07

Nope. DD1 sees her dad two nights a week. If it doesnt happen on his time he doesnt give a shit.

He gets letters home from school on the day he picks her up and doesnt tell me what they say. She nearly missed out on a school trip because of this. but luckily the school know hes a prick and saved her a place anyway

His mum buys all the clothes/shoes which are apparently from him. And when I ask for the maintenance he asks me do I really need it and why am I so skint.

Yes because £100 a month is such a generous amount

Oh and Im not allowed to text before 9am and if I do text about something I am harassing him.

Basically what Im saying is he does the bare minimum and then sleeps well at night telling himself hes a good dad.

CatchingMockingbirds · 01/12/2012 14:24

I get that too wannabe, £25 a week really doesn't go that far - although I would be screwed without it at the moment unfortunately.

madam1mim · 01/12/2012 16:49

Might be controversial but i think dads like this don't deserve to see their kids and the kids would bring better off without them as they will soon figure out that they are not cared about which is surely more damaging. My dds dad hasn't asked to see her for over a month. She is currently asleep on my lap with a temperature and he has no idea and will not even ask when he does finally see her. Prick !!!!

Original poster

mama2moo · 01/12/2012 17:20

I think that too madam1mim. My dds look forward to seeing their Dad though. I will never understand how they can just walk away from their children

OP posts:

Original poster

mama2moo · 01/12/2012 17:21

Ps I hope your dd feels better soon. My 2 have been ill with different things for a month now. Its hard when your on own and they wake up loads at night.

OP posts:

CuriosityKilledTheCrap · 01/12/2012 17:24

OK - just to level the balance...

Yes he does. He does make the effort to perhaps call them in an evening between contact; he'll also make reference to stuff that's going on in their lives.

We've had to tackle stuff like dummy fairies and night time nappies, and the only way that has worked is because of good communication.

I have learnt not to discuss money - it never goes well. We're both broke, but it's stupid to try and compete.

It's still early days (left is summer) but yes - he does make the effort

pantone363 · 01/12/2012 17:27

Yes. Although he has far too much contact for my comfort level. 2 hrs every night and overnight on Wed/Fri.

I would rather not have to see him everyday but its what the children asked for. Also he pays way above the odds for maintainance. I don't think he still would if I reduced contact.

CuriosityKilledTheCrap · 01/12/2012 17:30

Isn't contact related to maintenance so that the more he sees them the less he pays?

pantone363 · 01/12/2012 17:31

He also washes all their clothes. Picks them up on a Friday and returns Sat afternoon washed, dried, folded in their respective piles

CuriosityKilledTheCrap · 01/12/2012 17:31

So if he saw them less he'd be expected to pay more?

InNeedOfBrandyButter · 01/12/2012 17:31

My dd sees her dad very very randomly and last minute, he does ring every now and again but if she's ill he won't ring to see how she is. Ds dad doesn't ever see him (he got deported) and rings him about 5 times a year.

pantone363 · 01/12/2012 17:32

Yes it is. But we agreed a private arrangement on a percentage of his wage each week. We didn't do it on contact.

CuriosityKilledTheCrap · 01/12/2012 17:33

Ah yes - so did we (make a private arrangement).

It was based on 20% of his salary.

pantone363 · 01/12/2012 17:34

No the CSA calculator says he has to pay £89 a week for the contact he has. We agreed on a percentage of his weekly wage instead (around £150 a week). If I said to him I didn't want him having so much contact he would be within his rights to drop down to £89.

madam1mim · 01/12/2012 17:34

Thank you mama2 . yeah it is hard but even when he was here he didn't get up at night. his excuse being 'you always got up so quickly i didn't get chance' ! what makes me so angry is the fact he clearly doesn't give a sh*t but makes out to everyone what a ggreat dad he is!

madam1mim · 01/12/2012 17:37

pantone that is a lot ! how are you supposed to have your own life?

Viviennemary · 01/12/2012 17:38

It is sad but there are only a few fathers who are very keen that their ex partners child stays very much a part of his new family. But I don't think they are in the majority. But it must be very difficult when people do not get on with their ex partners or have been treated badly by them. It must be almost impossible to stay civil. I don't think I could. So I admire people who do.

wannaBe · 01/12/2012 17:53

sorry but I can't get my head around this idea of "too much contact for my liking." generally mothers get far more contact than fathers and the fathers are supposed to just suck it up, yet if a father wants more contact this is seen as a bad thing? who's that about?

I'm not referring to men who take no interest in their children here, but those who actively want a part in their children's lives and whose ex's seem to think that they should have more rights to a child by virtue of the fact they are that child's mother.

Me and h are in the process of splitting up and will, where possible, be parenting ds on a 50/50 basis. AM i upset at the thought of not being able to have my ds with me for half of the time? of course I am, but this isn't about me and my rights or emotional attachments, it's about my child's right to an equal relationship with both parents. He's ten now anyway and old enough to have some input, but even when we talked about splitting when he was younger, I never agreed with this concept of "allowing" an ex to have a child every other weekend and one night a week if he's lucky.

What makes me is that my attitude isn't considered the norm or even normal...

Letsmakecookies · 01/12/2012 17:59

madam1mim - dads like this don't deserve to see their kids. I can't help but agree with you. My children's father hasn't seen them for 15 weeks , but he calls them nearly daily (in my biased opinion so they can entertain him) and feels he is some sort of wonder-dad. He never asks about them, has no idea about their lives. He doesn't pay maintenance at the moment, as he seems to not feel it is necessary to try and stay employed so his children can eat. But is quite capable of spending a fortune on things for himself (transatlantic flights, toys, booze, top of the range car...).

He doesn't have to listen to his 3 year old son wake up at night crying for daddy, or cope with the difficult behaviour from his children because of the stress of him having no real tangible relationship with them. He promises with passion that he "really does want to come: to their xmas play/to see them, but will have to talk to mummy about it." That is the last I hear about it. I think this yoyoing around and frankly toying with them emotionally is spineless.

And I am sat there to be absolutely honest wishing he would just lose interest and just stop 'contact' altogether. The children are not toys. And I can't help but wonder whether it wouldn't be better for them that way, as he doesn't seem to know what a father is.

RooneyMara · 01/12/2012 18:08

Nope.

When I gave ds my old phone, for him to use when at his dad's in case he wanted to talk to me, and ds suggested ringing his dad in between visits (which are once a month) his dad looked absolutely stricken.

I had to explain to ds that though his dad is great for two hours a month (though he buggers off and leaves ds with his stepmum whom he doesn't really like) he isn't up for it the rest of the time.

Letsmakecookies · 01/12/2012 18:20

wannabe - I think there is a big difference between dads who always have been and want to continue to be a proper parent and have a parent-child relationship with their offspring. I totally agree with you that these should have a good amount of contact, but more importantly this is linked with responsibility and parenting. (A)

But there are many dads, and I understand from my lawyer that they are (apparently) in the majority (sadly) who don't want this responsibility and lose contact altogether after 2 year post separation. (B)

I guess in between are the dads who have some contact, but at their convenience and flit in and out inconsistently, are not able to be responsible parents, use children as pawns or for control, only want to see the children to get out of paying child maintenance, say they want more contact but then do nothing about it, do not put their child's needs first, or have issues that interfere with their ability to parent (drinking, drugs) etc etc. I think there can be an element of the mother wanting to protect her children in these cases. (C)

So I think you attitude is good, but the reason it may not be the norm is that you are coming out of relationship A, and many relationships have broken up because dad is B or C. I would love my x to have 50:50 parenting. I dream of it. No mother (big assumption here) wants to be a single parent with no support from her x with the children, it is bloody tough.

pantone363 · 01/12/2012 18:38

Wannabe. I understand what you are saying. My issue with ex is that it was not an amicable split(he was having an affair). I'm stuck in a no mans land of not being able to get over him as we have contact everyday. It also means the DC staying up longer than I would like because they come home at 7, need time to settle down, bath, reading etc and its invariably 8.30-9 before they go to bed. Much later than their old bedtime. It also means ex and I are very much still involved with each other as we have to sort daily logistics and where we are going what we are doing to arrange pick up time that day.

Original poster

mama2moo · 01/12/2012 18:42

When we first split up exdp came up all the time. As time has gone on he has become less interested.

He does give me a lot of money each month though.15% of what he was earning. Although he hasnt worked for a while now and the money he has is being spent on crap. Not sure how much longer I will get anything.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2