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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

anyone feel like they are just "surviving" and don't really have a life?

30 replies

dipndunk · 10/11/2012 16:31

This is how i feel... feeling quite detached and like i am just surviving day by day. Not sure what the future holds and don't know how to change things. Im depressed, xh and i split in 2009 i felt better in a good place, until i met new partner and then we split. Feeling very lonely, worried about my son, doubt myself a lot. Yes, i think it is depression :-( i just want to feel me again, to be in control of my life, but i dont now how to do it. exh has new partner and i feel so lonely.. that horrible ache.. anyone had this?

OP posts:

AmIthatScary · 10/11/2012 16:38

Sorry, yes. Feel,like I am treading water until life decides to include me in society again

You are not alone, lots of lovely people on here to hold your hand and tell you that things will get better

BertieBotts · 10/11/2012 16:39

How old is your DS? Sometimes we do go through periods where we're just surviving/treading water but that doesn't mean you can't come through the other side and make plans for the future.

sausagesandwich34 · 10/11/2012 16:42

erm me!

I split with my ex in 2009 too, so this isn't new for me either

if I'm not at work I have my dcs with me as they only see their dad when I am working

I don't live near family so babysitters are hard

I have no social life,I struggle to keep on top of the house, I'm permanently tired and don't think I give my best to either my children or work

so it's not just you!

my doc told me that feeling down about being in certain situations, is a natural emotion (bereavement, separation etc) -depression is different and I happen to agree with him

my ex has a new partner and I feel jealous -not because I want him back but because he can and I can't even if I wanted to!

being a lone parent is hard but it's massively better than being in a bad relationship!

AmIthatScary · 10/11/2012 16:46

Aw sausage, I get you. That's what's bothered me. ExP has moved on and married, etc. I have to tailor my whole life around DD. I have had to pass on lots of career moves that would have been good for me, as I have sole carer responsibilities. I never get the chance to meet men, as I have DD to look after, pretty much alone.

So, I don't want him back, buut I am dead jealous of the fact he can do what he wants and dip in and out of DDs life when it suits him

Original poster

dipndunk · 10/11/2012 16:55

thank you for your replies. so it isnt just me, re-assuring however at the same time wouldnt wish it on anyone. At first i "thrived" however now i feel lost. I get very sensitive to noise.. anyone else have this? yes it doesnt seem fair that exh can do what he likes, mine takes little responsibilty. Sometimes i even doubt myself if it was better being in a bad relationship or a one that wasnt going anywhere. I guess i have freed myself up to meet someone, but i am so scared and confidence at rock bottom and would probably attract the wrong type. so how do you all talk yourself out of feeling this way? or is it something we just have to accept and live with?

OP posts:

Original poster

dipndunk · 10/11/2012 16:58

Bertiebotts - my son is 5

OP posts:

BooyhooRemembering · 10/11/2012 17:03

yes i feel like this have done for about 3 years now. i have depression although at the minute i'm feeling alot better. for me the key is definitely to get out of the house as much as possible. they tiniest thing, like having a chat over the wall with my neighbour makes me feel so much better so i try to get out of the house as early as possible in the day. and get a bit of excercise (ignore if you already are), that makes me feel good too. try and get a routine of going out in the mornings, even just to the park or for the paper and putting yourself in people's way.i know it may feel like the last thing you want to do but once your in the conversation, you forget why you didn't want to in the first place.

BooyhooRemembering · 10/11/2012 17:05

and yes my EXp left 2 years ago and does pretty much what he likes. sees the dcs when it suits him never has to arrange or pay for a babysitter because i have them all the time. can have whatever hobby he wants, get engaged, buy his house and his new car and cut the child maintenance to pay for it if he feels like it. gets on my wick how little he has to think about WRT his children.

brightermornings · 10/11/2012 17:07

Me me!! I've come off ad's this year at the moment I feel flat. I can't get excited about anything. I don't want to socialise most days I don't want to speak to anyone. I work full time so have no choice. I'm in a long distance relationship but that is a bit rocky at the moment.
I look at people going places doing things and feel so detached. Infant I was thinking of posting on here for some advice.

niceupthedance · 10/11/2012 17:32

I'd steer well clear of men for a while. See friends? Or just try and do things which make you feel good - a cliche but magazine, DVD, face pack etc? Treat yourself well and you'll find your way back eventually..

Hope that didn't sound too patronising. I don't have a life either!

avenueone · 10/11/2012 21:58

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this OP.
The noise issue sounds to me like you may be suffering from anxiety and/or stress. How much time do you get to yourself .. even if it is just when DS is in bed?
I started by making my social life involve my DS. It is amazing if you get out there how many people are in the same position and you can spend time together - the parents and the children have company and you feel like you are living more of a life.

Ladylou83 · 10/11/2012 22:21

Me! Feeling completely at an all time low at the mo. was thinking about seeing my gp as even I know I'm really not coping anymore

Athendof · 10/11/2012 22:59

I'm raising a child on my own with family around and no involvement from the other parent. So... When I'm not at work Ds is with me. I don't think I'm depressed, I am exhausted and often bored, but things are looking a bit brighter now that DS is a bit older and we are sharing more interests and he doesn't need to be entertained all the time.

Things that have helped over time:

use my annual leave to have time on my own to meet with friends, go for a ride/walk, or even to the cinema when Ds is in school.
Send ds to bed in time. If he is in bed in time i have time to relax and catch up with other things like tidying up, catch up with friends in Facebook and even have some people around for a coffee. But most importantly, to rest. If I am rested I can cope better with things.
don't put your child first all the time, you also deserve to be at the front if the queue from time to time. Which is a fantastic lesson for them in terms of considering other people's needs. Wie normally split the weekends as one day where we do something ds enjoys, the other we do something that I would enjoy, and finally, we have a day to do something together that we both enjoy (we count friday's evenings as part of the weekend)
and finally, don't take all the credit, don't take all the blame. There would be times that things will go pearshaped but that is not necesarily a reflection of what you did or didn't do.

Athendof · 10/11/2012 23:00

Sorry, meant to say"no family around"

DoubleYew · 10/11/2012 23:13

YES.

Ds was in hospital the other week so I had to hang around with his dad. We split in the summer, he's already living with someone else. A new cinema / music venue has opened near us and he was asking if I'd been yet, telling me all the things they been to. WTF, no I spend my evenings trying to get ds to go to sleep, try and clean up etc etc.

I can't drive, I've had to put off lessons as I keep having panic attacks. Living with a toddler is so depressing as they are 100% selfish and self centred. They don't care about you, except what you can do for them.

ThinkingItThrough · 10/11/2012 23:56

I so feel like this! I used to be part of happy family of 5, lots of noise, always busy, things going on. Now on my own with children, don't feel like a grown up any more - all the resonsibility but none of the fun. No one to share with, feel I can't even have a glass of wine in case one of them has to go to emergency doctor or casualty. Having to rely on too many ready meals and quiet nights in while ex-p and new partner shop and cook together before going to the theatre. It is grim!! Life is getting up early to get them ready for school, work, picking up from school, carting around to activities, eating the ready meals (like cooking but can't cook and taxi at the same time!) and bedtime. Repeat endlessly - Groundhog Day!

I think it is true what sausage sandwich says - some circumstances would make anyone 'depressed' therefore may not be true 'depression' - putting that label on myself would scare me and make me feel I was failing. I prefer the option of cutting my self some slack and thinking, sod the house, the children are clean and fed, I'm doing ok. Until that nagging doubt kicks in again of course! I agree it is so hard to make plans for the future when the present is taking up every scrap of your energy!

fizzyone · 11/11/2012 00:15

I only split from my ex a couple of months ago and have so far been dealing with his total freedom (and lack of responsibility) vs my total lack of it by thinking that surely he is going to change his tune at some point when he realises that he is ruining his chances of a proper relationship with his daughter... and at that point I will get some freedom/time for me more regularly when he steps up. Reading some of these, I'm not so sure that things will change after all.... Athendof, your list is really very good

avenueone · 11/11/2012 21:49

thinkingitthrough please have the glass or three of wine - keep the taxi fare to one side so you don't need to drive - which is what I do. doubleyew I found my stress has caused me to have panic attacks driving, please try and keep at it. When I stopped it got worse, took me ages to get back, I am very slowly getting back into it.
gosh lone parenting takes it's toll in so many ways - I like the line about not taking all or credit or all the blame attheendof I think we seem to cope in similar ways but never thought of that, I think many people to get all the weight, good advice we should not.

Feckbox · 11/11/2012 22:00

yes , me. And i live with my partner and our children

Athendof · 11/11/2012 22:21

I understand you feckbox, one of the things that I found more stricking after the split was that I had far less work to do and was less stressed than when he was around.

Having said that, I was able to relax about finances when he was around.

Feckbox · 11/11/2012 22:41

Attend of, it's almost like " pick your list of miseries"
The list is different if you go it alone but is still a list

DoubleYew · 11/11/2012 23:30

avenueone, I'm try to practice a bit when ex actually turns up to take ds. Scratched the car today .

avenueone · 11/11/2012 23:56

never mind - it's only a little scratch - I had my biggest bumps when I wasn't having the panics.. keep going x

Athendof · 12/11/2012 02:32

That's very true. I have to say that given ex disgraceful behaviour after the split and the shortage of money (also due to ex not paying ), i am starting to wonder if I was better off putting up with him on a daily basis.

No actually... It was worse when we were together... Far worse.

notime2dance · 12/11/2012 03:59

I split from ex in 2011, that was when I found out that the git had got married to someone else, despite us still being together. He had told his family that we had separated, but as far as I was aware we were still a couple.

At first I was devastated, but I picked myself back up, I am much better off without him, he was bringing me down. What I hadn't realised, was all the little put downs he was giving DD and I, always walking on egg shells was his way of trying to get me to split up with him, as he didn't have the guts.

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