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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Nearly burst into tears at a playgroup today - was asked "Does she never see her father then?"

52 replies

ATourchOfInsanity · 22/10/2012 19:15

And got the lump in my throat. Ended up shaking my head and making an 'uh-uh' noise while staring at DD feeling tears pricking. Now, don't get me wrong, I think it is probably for the best he doesn't see her. It was completely his choice as he was trying to avoid paying via CSA and wanted me to produce a legal doc saying he will never see her again if I detach him from all financial responsibility - I refused to do this. However he has apparently been advised not to ask about her at all before the tribunal he has taken us to, to try to wriggle out of payments. It's been 9 months now since he saw her.

I felt like every mum in that room was thinking either 'oh poor girl' or 'how did you pick such a dick?' or 'at least my child gets the benefit of both of us'. I know they probably were all to wrapped up with their own kids, but I was quite shocked at how alone I felt at that point.

What do you do in these situations? Do you have a set line that you feel protected by that explains things? I don't know whether I should even be worrying about explaining things. I tend not to as I can get bogged down in the nasty details once I start Blush Maybe I am just having an off day Confused

OP posts:
Katkin13 · 23/10/2012 13:48

that is so sad that Dad has denied his paternity. Those poor children who deserve to have their Dad in their lives, no matter is he is a prize idiot or not.
Massive hugs!

Lonecatwithkitten · 23/10/2012 16:42

Due to my awful situation I have just stopped going to school events not because of most of the other parents, but because ExH's other woman is also a parent and she and ExH flaunt their relationship all over the playground.
School are fab I do parent's evenings at other times they even let me listen to DD play a solo in a concert from an anteroom as OW was sitting in front by door I felt waiting for me to walk past.
So in truth I don't deal with it currently I avoid it.

Original poster
ATourchOfInsanity · 23/10/2012 19:54

Lone that is terrible :( I am glad the school are being supportive though. I bet they have a good old bitch about OW in the staff room. No one likes a home wrecker.

Yes, her Dad is being very callous about the whole thing. Not even a message on her first birthday for her. Trouble is that because he 'can't' talk about DD his messages focus on berating me/blaming me for his debt/telling me I have it all wrong/he has a new woman and they are going to have an AMAZING life...blahblah. It gets very annoying when I really don't care, just wish he would ask how DD is, or what she is up to. Especially now it is clear he will loose the tribunal. There really is no need for him to not ask now.

Feeling better today. Bumped into a lot of people I haven't seen for ages in various places around town and realised I need to wear my glasses more often

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ProphetOfDoom · 23/10/2012 20:12

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ATourchOfInsanity · 23/10/2012 20:18

Yes, his legal fees of 6k which are my fault Hmm even though HE took us to tribunal?!

New gf won't have a clue about his DD. He even took at pic I posted of her and him at the hospital when she was born on FB. I doubt new gf will be very impressed when/if she finds out. This is part of the reason he doesn't want to pay CSA, so he can pretend to new women that he is still footloose and fancy free. Which actually, I guess he kind of is.

OP posts:
Original poster
ATourchOfInsanity · 23/10/2012 20:20

*took off a pic
that was meant to read Blush

See I'm waffling on about him again. This is what would happen if they gave me free reign at the playgroups Grin.

I need to sort out that one liner, don't I!

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ProphetOfDoom · 23/10/2012 20:33

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Original poster
ATourchOfInsanity · 23/10/2012 20:47

I know, he will have told her all sorts of things that he is starting to actually believe himself, despite everyone else knowing what really happened. If he ever marries his poor mum will have to hold her tongue on quite a few things, I imagine.

I forsee him suddenly deciding he wants access after he fails thIA tribunal. It will be another power trip for him, and one he thinks he might finally 'Win' (it's all about winning, doncha know?). Trouble is I already offered a Contact Centre so he could see her without us having to meet at all, and he went off on one about our relationship again, still not mentioning DD or asking after her. Have a feeling the Courts clearly I am not going to just let him walk back in after all of this time and take her out for the weekend. He hasn't even seen her crawl let alone walk! may see that as a little bit concerning. I have given up on any hope of him being decent, but short of increasing his debt by making him go to court again if he wants access now after all of this palava won't stand in the way of him seeing her. I have always been very open with him about that, so the only one who is loosing out is him.

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TiAAAAARGHo · 23/10/2012 20:52

If he does try for access then a contact centre would be best anyway as he is simply a stranger to her now. And it will be wry odd for him to have such a volte face when he is trying to deny paternity etc. what a weirdo.

ProphetOfDoom · 23/10/2012 21:06

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Original poster
ATourchOfInsanity · 23/10/2012 21:09

Yes exactly. I think the Judge will be quite Hmm.
I imagine his expensive solicitor felt reading his emails to me all about whether he could have custody of her if I died because he cared so much for her he would quit his job to look after her which was a load of crap - he had told his solicitor that although he was the father he had no relationship with her or me! She must have thought the email where he asked what was for dinner and how happy he was to have such a gorgeous family waiting for him every evening, was even weirder Grin and the email of harassment to me from his father admitting his son had alcohol and drug issues and had been 'very changeable' over the last 20 months must have all but made her throw her hands in the air! Wink
He is not a nice man.

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ProphetOfDoom · 23/10/2012 21:23

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Original poster
ATourchOfInsanity · 23/10/2012 21:33

I know, thanks Schmaltzing. He still gets me riled when I think of how cold he has been towards her and yet how I can see him making a fuss to see her in a few weeks time.

I guess that won't help with my one liner though...

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MyDonkeysAZombie · 24/10/2012 03:03

"No, I'm afraid her father has absolutely no moral compass".

Hth.

Original poster
ATourchOfInsanity · 24/10/2012 10:41

Ooh Donkey, I LIKE that! Thank you :)

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MyDonkeysAZombie · 24/10/2012 11:19

[hsmile] if I think of anything else I'll come back.

queenofthepirates · 24/10/2012 12:11

I look at my beautiful, clever, remarkable daughter as she hurtles around, getting into everything, finding joy and pleasure at the simplest of things and think to myself, what a complete twunt my daughter's father is to not want to see this.

I pity the poor man who is so feeble and weak willed to miss out on their child's development. He will ultimately be the loser.

Original poster
ATourchOfInsanity · 24/10/2012 19:05

queen Yes, I think that every day. But it is his loss and sometimes I wish I would stop worrying about it. I think I wonder if he will be angry at me one day for missing important things, or if it really doesn't occur to him what he is missing. I strongly suspect he can just turn off any thoughts on her at all.

I was thinking about the contact thing again today and realised he won't actually have any 'free' time as he has a new gf. He is out of the country a lot too, so if he is home I don't imagine him sneaking off for a day to see his DD who she knows nothing about on a regular basis... It will be interesting to see what happens I suppose.

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MsDFye · 24/10/2012 23:03

I remember having a lot of those 'moments' at playgroups when DS was little. In hindsight I was still grieving for the relationship and family that I'd wanted and it was really hard being with a group of people that seemed to have that. Nothing worse than feeling really emotionally raw, exhausted (from being awake half the night with a little one) and then being interrogated about really personal things by a bunch of smug strangers!

Fluffanstuff · 26/10/2012 18:33

I'm hoping my post will help , and not leave a bitter taste , Was it a member of staff that asked ? It was a really insensitive , unprofessional way of asking , but as I work in the sector myself I know these questions need to be asked . Its to stop us from getting in trouble , so we know if someone turns up says 'Im so and so's dad' but you have told us they don't see each other we Know to err on the side of caution and call you. It also means staff can be tactful when talking to your DD. We do it to keep them safe and for their good honestly , not because were all nosey bitches , I would however be having words with my members of staff if they approached such a topic in that way.

Original poster
ATourchOfInsanity · 26/10/2012 18:38

Hi fluff - the nursery asked earlier in the week and I was fine with that, as I understand that it might be important for them to know. I filled out all of the forms but obviously you don't get to explain situations until you are face to face.

It was a woman running a baby group that got to me, but I feel fine about it now. I think it was just curiosity and surprise mixed in her tone/eyes that made me feel funny. Am boycotting the group this week (too much going on with Halloween party) so it will hopefully be enough time for it to be old news in their eyes.

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Fluffanstuff · 26/10/2012 18:42

Glad it wasn't the nursery ! And I agree if it wasn't written down I wouldn't discuss it unless I needed too.

The baby group women probs didn't think about what came out of her ditsy mouth and probably didn't think ... no excuse at all. Good idea boycotting , if she did realise then she might realise she's the reason your not there !!

Either way I hope you don't have to come across that again xx

Fluffanstuff · 26/10/2012 18:43

if it was written down even...durr

Original poster
ATourchOfInsanity · 26/10/2012 18:47

Thanks Fluff. DD does go a bit shy around men and then will try to show off a bit around them when she feels comfortable - she wants their attention. It makes me sad to watch. Thankfully my dad comes down every month or so and stays a night, which she loves as he lets her run around freely in shops much to my horror.

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Fluffanstuff · 26/10/2012 18:53

I think children play differently with men , and I'm far from the belief that they NEED a man around to succeed or do well etc. But they do play differently which could explain her behaving a bit differently , she'll grow out of it and great that your dad comes to stay so she has that 'figure' in her life ... I dont think it matters who that figure is ...just that there's someone xx