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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

When to tell ex- damage limitation

33 replies

Wetthemogwai · 12/09/2012 19:46

I wrote a massive long essay just now but deleted it al and will just give you the basics!

Ex is a dick, has always been a dick and will never change.
He has dd 17mo once a week and his mum has her 3 evenings a week. Relations with his mum have been strained in the last few months since ex announced his new wife was pregnant. I'm not sure why but I did my best to crack on as normal

I live 100 miles from my friends and family and I can't take it anymore and have decided to move home.

The move is planned for aprox 2 months time and the wheels are now in motion for it to happen.
It's a wonderful rural village surrounded by friends and family compared to the arse end of the city with a handful of friends and no schools that can offer better than a 60% gcse pass rate, the move will benefit both me and dd in many ways.

When do I tell him were moving?
If he does take me to court (which he has threatened before rather than try to communicate but it came to nothing so I assume he didn't go ahead with it) where do we both stand?

I need to get out of here and I need my mum.

Once we move I'm more than prepared to put the effort in and travel as long as he does the same but I'd put money on never hearing from him again once we move :( out of site out of mind like dd is 6 days a week for him.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Original poster

Wetthemogwai · 12/09/2012 19:48

Sorry that didnt make much sence!

OP posts:

Original poster

Wetthemogwai · 12/09/2012 21:29

Anyone?

OP posts:

numptymark1 · 12/09/2012 21:34

pretty sure he can't stop you moving if you are staying in the country but I'm no expert
I think if you were moving to the arse end of nowhere to be with a man you had never actually met, just chatted to on a dating website then a judge may have something to say about it
but moving closer to family, improving support network and still willing to facilitate a relationship between ex and dc -I can't see a problem

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 12/09/2012 21:43

As above.
Try not to leave his mom behind though, even though she seems to be struggling loyalty wise. Its a shame your relationship with her has started to suffer but she has supported you and DD so if he disappears don't let nanna go the same way if you can help it x

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 12/09/2012 21:43

Behind not as in take her with you but let her still have contact. I'm speaking drivel tonight lol

Original poster

Wetthemogwai · 12/09/2012 22:27

Thanks :)

Yea I definitely won't forget about her, it'll be the same for her as in if she make makes the effort to come down I'll make the effort to come up. I don't want dd to miss out on family.

When would you break it to them? I Know time is ticking on but a coward! They're not going to react well obviously.
My thinking for putting it off is that if he does go to court (very unlikely but I don't want to take the chance) I can't move until the case is settled, is that right?

OP posts:

LineRunner · 12/09/2012 22:30

Move.

I stayed and regret it every day.

But make sure you allow positive relationships to exist via visits (your Ex has to make an effort), phone calls, Skype etc.

Original poster

Wetthemogwai · 12/09/2012 22:39

Thanks line

Would it be to nosey to ask why you stayed?

OP posts:

LineRunner · 12/09/2012 22:45

I felt completely lost, I suppose. I wasn't expecting my Ex to simply walk out the door. My family were no help. I had a job that I managed to keep.

By the time I'd realised that I should have gone back home to the place where I had friends and roots, it had become too difficult.

If that makes sense?

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 12/09/2012 22:56

I'd move then let them know. But then i'm a chicken like that. i just don't think i'd want the stress and upset.

Or you could let him have his once weekly visit then write a letter outlining what you want to do and your proposals for DD to stay in touch.. give it to him on a friday just before you leave on the weekend kind of thing.

Its a shame but you need a support network and he isn't providing that. And sorry you feel as soon as LO comes along your DD will be 'forgotten about' if you move. I hope he steps up :(

WildWorld2004 · 12/09/2012 22:59

Id move & then tell him. That way he cant try and stop you which he might do if he likes to be in control. Its only a few miles not the other end of the world.

Original poster

Wetthemogwai · 12/09/2012 23:04

line that makes perfect sence :( it'd be a lot harder to move if I had a job and some kind of life up here but I don't, I literally have nothing.

Would you really move without telling him? Wow I thought this thread would go completely the other way and id get flamed for taking dd away from her dad! I don't know if I could do that, it seems rather...I don't know really, I mean i don't owe this man anything, he's treated me like utter shit so it's what he deserves really but i don't think I could do it, 2 wrongs don't make a right an all that

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purplewithred · 12/09/2012 23:08

Really, don't move withoutbtellin him or his mum. It's his mum I feel for most. Come up with a sensible plan so mil and xdh can keep good contact if they want to, but expect explosions anyway.

RedHelenB · 13/09/2012 07:31

I think if you take the decision to move then you need to be the one to facilitate contact. You had a baby with the man after all & at 17 months skype is no use.

Original poster

Wetthemogwai · 13/09/2012 08:49

red
She uses Skype every night to talk up my parents so she's more than used to it and knows what to do. I know it doesn't compare to a visit but tbh it'd probably make him speak to her more than he does atm.
I agree that I should making most of the effort but after the last 2 years of me making 100% of the effort I'm getting sick of it. Dd is better off away from him til he grows up and gets his priorities straight and it won't be long til his wife sees that too.

It is very much out of sight out of mind for him so whether I make the effort or not hell kick up a fuss about us going then we won't see him for dust

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getmorenappies · 13/09/2012 10:07

I think the worst thing you could do is move and then tell him. It's never going to be easy, but the longer you leave it, the worse it'll be, and dickhead or not he's the father and he deserves to know what's going on.

I would also have a suggestion for access in mind and put that forward too. The starting point will likely be alternate w/e and half of all holidays ( when dc is at school ) at his.

I completely understand why you are moving, but bear in mind that in such situations courts do sometimes put the onus on the parent who moved to do the travelling or cover the costs. Not always but it does happen.

ladydeedy · 13/09/2012 18:20

Yes you would be very underhand to not be open and explain up front what your plan is and the reasons behind it. Currently your child spends more than half the week with dad/his mum so this is going to have a huge impact on them. Imagine if you were in their shoes. Be calm and explain your reasons and what you plan to do to facilitate contact etc and ask for their input also. Be clear that your move is not negotiable but you want to make contact work as best you can. Personally I think if you chose to move away, then you should be the one doing the bulk of the to-ing and fro-ing. Again, imagine if you were in their shoes and your ex moved 100 miles away with your daughter and you were told you had to do half of the travelling to come and see her.

Original poster

Wetthemogwai · 14/09/2012 00:04

Thanks for your replies

To be honest I think if he moved I would be willing to do some of the traveling, dd should want a relationship with him even after everything. She should have to chance to know him and see his true colours for herself.

The 3 days a week she has time with them is great but as only 1 of them is with him (and even then he just shoves her infront of a stack of DVDs with a load of 3 year olds who give her nightmares, not actually spends time with her) it's his mum Im dreading telling.

The ex can do as he pleases, he won't care once we've gone so whatever arrangements we come to will be forgotten by him in weeks. I can promise him the world and he won't accept it :(

I just want me and dd to be happy

I'll tell him a month before we go, not long enough to stop us but enough notice for me not to be awful!

OP posts:

mrsmcv · 14/09/2012 00:11

move. immediately. if you go to court, you'll need support. I wish I'd had the strength, now I'm up to my neck in something I can't get out of. Move. Now.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 14/09/2012 01:02

You and DD should be and rightfully are your top priority. Move, be happy. And if he wants to see her he needs to get off his behind. Maybe if he makes an effort it will be a better quality contact.
Sadly i think he will end up like DP who i have to harrass to see his older DC's, DSD1 lives with her mom, DSS1 and DSD2 have recently returned to live with theirs. I hate that i have to hound him about it.

NotaDisneyMum · 14/09/2012 07:23

If there is a chance that either your DDs dad or DGM will pursue contact through the court, it could be a very bad idea to move without telling him, as their solicitor could use it as evidence that you are trying to withhold contact.

mummystudent · 14/09/2012 07:39

DO NOT move then tell him. I did and it is the one thing he has against me now in court.
As for when, then I would leave it til the last minute so he cannot launch legal action and keep you there until it's done. The best way is tell him a week before/5 days then tell him the date was further away but it got moved forward.

But again, TELL HIM. You have no idea how much trouble it may cause if you don't. I left in silence because he had threatened to take DS away from me when I moved out of his street- when I moved 400 miles away I thought I'd never see DS again... Now I'm regretting it bigtime. His lawyer is going to slaughter me as I cannot prove he made threats against me :(

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 14/09/2012 07:47

Good idea that you go and get proper legal advice

Original poster

Wetthemogwai · 14/09/2012 09:16

mummy that's a good idea, I'll tell him the date changed.

Thanks guys :) I was getting all sorts of advice from everywhere and it was wrecking my head a bit! It really helps hearing from people have done it

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 14/09/2012 12:08

Do not move without telling them first. That is an awful thing to do. Whether you like it or not, he is your child's father and she is his grandmother. I understand why you want to move, but it will be in your child's best interests to maintain a meaningful and frequent relationship with both parents.

If this was a father suggesting moving a hundred miles away from a child there would be very different responses on here. Yet that's exactly what you want to do on his behalf.

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