When to tell ex- damage limitation

[Wetthemogwai]

I wrote a massive long essay just now but deleted it al and will just give you the basics!

Ex is a dick, has always been a dick and will never change.
He has dd 17mo once a week and his mum has her 3 evenings a week. Relations with his mum have been strained in the last few months since ex announced his new wife was pregnant. I'm not sure why but I did my best to crack on as normal

I live 100 miles from my friends and family and I can't take it anymore and have decided to move home.

The move is planned for aprox 2 months time and the wheels are now in motion for it to happen.
It's a wonderful rural village surrounded by friends and family compared to the arse end of the city with a handful of friends and no schools that can offer better than a 60% gcse pass rate, the move will benefit both me and dd in many ways.

When do I tell him were moving?
If he does take me to court (which he has threatened before rather than try to communicate but it came to nothing so I assume he didn't go ahead with it) where do we both stand?

I need to get out of here and I need my mum.

Once we move I'm more than prepared to put the effort in and travel as long as he does the same but I'd put money on never hearing from him again once we move :( out of site out of mind like dd is 6 days a week for him.

What would you do?

Do not move without telling them first. That is an awful thing to do. Whether you like it or not, he is your child's father and she is his grandmother.

It is. Yes indeed it is. Six years ago I had the same decision to make and I decided that to be fair to my ex that I should tell her. Ex had kids alternate weekends and I told her that this would not change at all.

Naturally she wasn't best pleased when I told her and was angry/upset. I understood that and expected it. What I didn't expect though was that the next time the kids went to stay that she would fail to return them.

Cutting a long story short it all ended up in court where I got a court order in my favour. My solicitor was basically implying that I'd have been better off in hindsight if I'd have just moved and THEN told her.

Yes the courts would be annoyed at the fact I'd done it. But they are dutybound to rule on what is best for the child and must decide if it's best to move the child again. Usually it's not.

So...my advice to you is this. If you are 110% certain that your ex will not fight you for residence then tell him. If you are less than that then I'd leave it until the moment your child returns to you before you go. Then drop the bombshell.

Trust me, I went through months of hell and it was a lesson which cost me £5k in legal fees to learn. And that is basically that you cannot trust your ex. Ever.

niceguy thankyou, it's great to hear a mans perspective even though it's the complete opposite to what I expected!
I don't trust him and I never will. Dd doesn't sleep over at his house for that reason so visitation after we move will be supervised, just to be sure.

I'm fairly sure he won't go to court, for a few reasons but mainly it's too much effort but like you say, any less than 110% is too much of a risk.

allnew he wouldn't think twice about moving. Dd doesn't exist to him 6 days of the week. It's easier for him to let us go, not make the effort and stay here playing the victim so that's what hell do. Hell always go for the easy option even if it means losing his daughter.

I think Niceguy had the same idea as I did when I moved away from my son's dad... The reason I didn't tell my him we were moving is because I was convinced he WOULD have taken my son to prevent us from going.
Basically you have 'assumed' custody, so unless there is currently a court order preventing you from going/stating who has contact and when/that says you have some kind of custody agreement- then he cannot stop you. If you tell him too far in advance he could get one... Which will mess things up for you.
It's a risk not telling him, it really is (right now my 'deceit' is the only thing he has against me in court) the courts will not look on it well, but like I said... If the dates 'suddenly change' and you inform him beforehand, but not TOO much before, you should be Ok. It does indeed sound deceitful, but it could save you sooooo much hassle.

At the end of the day, if you are doing it for the right reasons and it's best for the kids, the courts will ALWAYS side with you. Try not to listen to horror stories, or from people who haven't done it.

Thanks mummy that's really the kind of thing I wanted to hear!
2 weeks is a good amount of time isn't it? He won't get off his arse to do it that quick if at all. What about after we move? Could he get a court order then saying I have to bring her up so many times a month or something like that?

I'm at the court stage just now, and my lawyer has told me that because he has requested to exercise his rights, it's likely he'll have to come to me. Realistically I think it'll work out that I would take him to his dad's once a year and his dad would come down twice a year.
Once you are settled, he will be fighting a losing battle to get you to move back if you have always had the bulk of custody.

When we moved down my ExP filed for full custody. He quickly retracted it when he realised he was fighting for something that would never happen.
Now we are about to settle the final terms, and I'm almost certain he'll agree to what I say.
My ultimate advice on this subject and every other where lone parenting is concerned is keep a diary if you can, only communicate through text or email. It's because I'v done this for 4 and a half years that I have been able to dictate the terms.
Also, have you sorted schools, etc. This will all go in your favour- planning, planning planning. That way he can never pull you up for not being prepared.

Thanks :) yea I've got 'the twat book' which is filled with every conversation weve had between when I found out I was pregnant and dds first birthday, I'm a bit behind but will fill in the rest so it's up to date. It's filled with arguments with him and death threats from his wife.
I have a school lined up and a business plan for my new business that's almost ready to go when we're down there so were all sorted, well be staying at my mums for a few months before finding our own place but it won't be for long.
I don't think he'll try and stop us but I don't want to take the chance. Part of me just wants to disappear and not tell anyone where we are but it's not fair on dd :(

I think since you are so organised you have nothing to fear :) wish you all the very best on your move! It's so exciting having a new start! Good luck!
x

Thank you :) I am rather excited though dreading telling him. Ill be sad to leave the good things I have here but I know that far better lies ahead!

Thanks for all your help :) x