32, no future to look forward to :(

[WoodchipWall]

Hello (also posted in Relationships)

I have been a member of MN for some years now, under different Usernames at times.

I am now a single Mum of two DCs. I left my P some two years ago now and it was the hardest thing I've ever done and never want to go through it again. MN was my 'bible' at times and made me see sense and gave some wonderful advice.

So it took me years to leave ex and I've never looked back. I have not regretted it for a second and I know that I did the right thing, for all of us.

However, all that aside, I am lonely and struggling with being single.

I am scared that this is my life now and it's not a very good one. I just feel I'm existing rather than living.

I've had two serious relationships since leaving ex........the first turned out to not be the person I thought he was and the second was far too committed to his cans of Stella and 40 fags a day.

All I want to do is.......nothing! I am sitting here typing this while I have three mountain peaks of washing needing to be done and three mountain peaks of clean washing needing to be put away. There are dishes in the sink, there is something smelling in the fridge, the floors are sticky, the carpets have bits all over them and the beds are un-made yet I have no urge to do any of it.

I'm a rubbish Mum..........I choose frozen and canned food to feed my DCs when I should be giving them fresh, nutritious food.

I desperately need to lose weight. I just cannot get my head around it.

I long, and always have, to get married, have more children and be someone's life partner but it's looking less and less likely now.

My ex, continues to put me down........at contact handovers, I get comments like 'you've really let yourself go since leaving me' and 'turning to the bottle a bit too much aren't we' (I drink Friday/Saturday nights only). I know I should ignore but I can't as he's probably right.

I am losing control of the household finances.......bills coming out of my ears and no money to pay them.

I am clearly not meant to be a single mum but here I am, doing a crappy job at it and it's what I wanted!!

Can't shake these feelings.

Back to work on Monday after summer hols off and as it's getting me out of this bloody house, I'm actually looking forward to it.

Not looking for any answers or advice really as there isn't any I deserve but needed to get it out of my head somehow.

Thanks Curious....I'm exactly the same with washing. I did have a tumble but it packed in a few months back and my dining table isn't used for dining, it's covered in piles of clothes!

Find it hard to switch off which is really annoying.......I find it hard to sleep despite being really tired but get really bad restless legs at night.

The ex rang earlier and brought up more crap from the past......don't know what he wants from me?? He rings to 'talk' and 'try and be friends for kids sake' but he gets annoyed and angry with me when I say I'd rather not speak to him as I'm trying to move on and don't want to talk about the past anymore,,,,,,he keeps telling me I'm crazy and need to face up to my issues......I hate it :(

It is fine for you to say that you'd rather not talk about anything other than child contact arrangements. Set some boundaries.

Did you manage to de-stink the fridge yet? :)

You don't sound like a rubbish Mum to me - you sound like a perfectly normal, busy single Mum who is doing brilliantly despite the odds being stacked against her!

I sympathise re:washing. For what it's worth, I don't even possess an iron and laundry mountain is huge. On the plus side it gave the baby an amusing place to hide tonight when I called him for bath time! Seriously, try not to worry. As long as everyone is bathed and has clean pants, does it really matter if there are some bizarre outfit choices due to temporarily restricted access to full wardrobe?

As for the dinner issue... it is scientific fact that frozen veg is as nutritionally valuable as fresh (and more so in some cases), and fish fingers and beans are the equivalent of the proverbial 5 loaves and 2 fishes.

I can't remember the last time I washed my kitchen floor or hoovered the hall way. The worst gets taken up with the dust pan and brush but other than that... well, my kids are vaccinated (just as well!). Oh, and I never make beds in the mornings - ever. It's a waste of time as the boys just like to make dens etc in them and they would only get rumpled up immediately anyway.

It sounds like you are doing all the important things absolutely right by how you're engaging with your children. No one ever grows up and talks about their beautifully ironed pyjamas, they just talk about who was there for them...

Stay strong and don't allow Ex to pressure you more. Keep smiling at the good stuff and remember you are doing a great job

Ps. It's also medically sound to be carrying a few extra pounds. Summer is over and things can only get colder from here!

Oh he's a real charmer isn't he

I find with clothes what helps is that if I fold into piles and put them away, then just iron as needed. Gets them out of sight. I think we all have something that irks us? I have way too much stuff. Am forever de-cluttering but there's still too much?

Your ex is just saying crap to get a rise out of you. Ignore. He'll go away eventually. Or find someone else to bully?

Thank you :)

Do feel better after starting this thread today and it's lovely that other's have taken time to post their wise words and advice for me....it really is.

I'm ever so tired now,,,,,,going to bed and hope to fall straight to sleep.

Good night all

p.s. think the stink in the fridge was spilled milk in the door shelf. I sprayed it with lemon flash and wiped so the smell test will be repeated in the morning!

Sleep well