32, no future to look forward to :(

[WoodchipWall]

Hello (also posted in Relationships)

I have been a member of MN for some years now, under different Usernames at times.

I am now a single Mum of two DCs. I left my P some two years ago now and it was the hardest thing I've ever done and never want to go through it again. MN was my 'bible' at times and made me see sense and gave some wonderful advice.

So it took me years to leave ex and I've never looked back. I have not regretted it for a second and I know that I did the right thing, for all of us.

However, all that aside, I am lonely and struggling with being single.

I am scared that this is my life now and it's not a very good one. I just feel I'm existing rather than living.

I've had two serious relationships since leaving ex........the first turned out to not be the person I thought he was and the second was far too committed to his cans of Stella and 40 fags a day.

All I want to do is.......nothing! I am sitting here typing this while I have three mountain peaks of washing needing to be done and three mountain peaks of clean washing needing to be put away. There are dishes in the sink, there is something smelling in the fridge, the floors are sticky, the carpets have bits all over them and the beds are un-made yet I have no urge to do any of it.

I'm a rubbish Mum..........I choose frozen and canned food to feed my DCs when I should be giving them fresh, nutritious food.

I desperately need to lose weight. I just cannot get my head around it.

I long, and always have, to get married, have more children and be someone's life partner but it's looking less and less likely now.

My ex, continues to put me down........at contact handovers, I get comments like 'you've really let yourself go since leaving me' and 'turning to the bottle a bit too much aren't we' (I drink Friday/Saturday nights only). I know I should ignore but I can't as he's probably right.

I am losing control of the household finances.......bills coming out of my ears and no money to pay them.

I am clearly not meant to be a single mum but here I am, doing a crappy job at it and it's what I wanted!!

Can't shake these feelings.

Back to work on Monday after summer hols off and as it's getting me out of this bloody house, I'm actually looking forward to it.

Not looking for any answers or advice really as there isn't any I deserve but needed to get it out of my head somehow.

Sending you a big virtual hug. You're having a down patch and everyone gets them, however this doesn't mean it's not real or difficult.

Do you have friends among your colleagues? Just wondering whether going back to work will help a bit in the adult conversation dept. Maybe even manage the odd night out with one of them if you have a good babysitter?

How old are your DCs? Any links with other parents via them?

Can you do something you've always fancied doing when Ex has the DCs?

And sod worrying abt the housework, your weight etc. When you feel better you can sort that in stages. Do the DCs eat fruit? Get a bowl of apples and hopefully (if anything like mine) they'll be suddenly hungry as they pass the bowl. Job done!

Morning Woodchip,
I always think if you look at everything in one go no matter what the situation you would crawl back under the duvet. Looking at each thing in turn and putting a plan together may help. We all have to cut corners at some time or other so please don't beat yourself up about frozen food and the like. The summer hols does knock you out of routine and going back sounds like it may be a good time to make those plans. Nice of ex your ex is being supportive NOT please try to ignore this and just concentrate on you. Try the old fashioned pen and paper make some headers and underneath some plans for each and then some time scales nothing can happen overnight but with each little step you will feel strong and happier. Good luck.

Thank you so much for posting.........

I'd love to get a hobby or similar but what, I don't know?

Yeah DCs eat fruit and I make sure fruit bowl is full and there are nice yogurts in the fridge if they feel hungry.

I feel that I'm different to other Mums at the schools........they're all married, nice cars, beautiful houses, frequent holidays etc etc......I'm total opposite to them and they know it.

I'm in a similar position

But, today is the 1st of the month so I'm motivated. Do a couple of things a day perhaps? Every time I get up to go somewhere/do something, I clean a few things or tidy a few toys etc.

It's amazing what you can get done .... Baby steps.

In an ad break on tv you could put a load if washing on/hang it out or fold it. As you know, the support here is great with a section for every problem

What needs tackling most urgently?

My DCs are aged 7 and 13....I love them so much, they deserve the best.

The washing need doing most.....there is so much of it. My tumble dryer packed in a few months back and since, I've had to have my washing hanging all around the house.....nice!

Well at those ages they can help you!

It will not take long to find the culprit in the fridge either!

I'll aim to get at least smelly fridge sorted by 3:00pm........sounds quite 'do-able'.......

First of all - get your Ex out of your face. How dare he say thos ethings to you. He's probably gutted that you left him!

Agree with breaking stuff down into small bits, and ignoring the stuff that you just can't do.
I used to try and sell all the kids clothes on ebay - in the end it was so time consuming and such a hassle that I gave up and now take everything to a clothes bank which pays a little bit per kilo so it's better than nothing.

Also, I do try and achieve '1' main thing a day - maybe sorting paperwork, cleaning out the car or emptying a cupboard of clutter.

Definately get the kids on board to help - I was quite guilty of fetching and carrying loads for mine until I was kinda run ragged!

And good luck with the fridge - today I'm tackling evil oven

Just wanted to send you a big ((((( ))))) and let you know you're not alone.

Also that however much you love your kids, sometimes life gets you down. I hate that feeling of having to pre-empt any complaint with I do love my kids, but or I'm not complaining, but. It's ok to have a bloody good moan when you want to!

I have plenty of days like this. I'm a lone parent with a 1 year old child so I'm going to be single for at least the next 16 years. When I think about it like that damn right I want to moan. The next day I pick myself up and get on with it. It's not like we have any other choice is it!

If you're feeling really down OP maybe just let yourself have a down-day. Ignore the pots, ignore the mess, have fish fingers and chips for tea. Allow yourself a little wallow.

Tomorrow, start afresh. Make a list of what you want to achieve and take it one thing at a time. You'll get there.

Most of all, stop being so hard on yourself. You're doing a bloody hard job, I'd be more worried if it didn't overwhelm you at times!

(oh, and I was going to add that I am also 32 but then I remembered I just turned 33 )

At 7 and 13 I'd expect them to be helping out around the house.

Tell yourself you'll do housework for 40mins hen do something nice for yourself like read a book chapter/cup of tea/file nails.

Cheers MyDog.........certainly going to attempt to get into list making.......not something I've done previously but it's worth a good attempt.

My DM had a chat with my DCs earlier in the week about helping me more.....they seemed to listen but four days on, no change........although I've not even asked them so they're not going to are they!!

Could they have a daily 'chore' of make their bed and keep bedroom tidy, then a weekend chore as well, in return fir sine picket money. This works well with mine. The 4 year old 'makes' his bed daily

If you want cheering up (and have an inappropriate sense of humour can I point you in direction!

You are a good mum. So what if you don't home cook every meal? You can always get your dcs to help you make a meal and the eldest can do it his/herself? Ok I know this is easier said than done, I have a teen ds I actually got him to do his own cheese and biscuits the other day. But it's a start!

Also the fact you care enough to post about it shows how good you are.

Fuck your ex, he's a total knob for putting you down. God he makes me angry and I don't even know him He's obviously missing you much more than you him. Fucker.

I agree lists are good. Do your dcs get any pocket money? Or could you do a chart and tick of things to do and whoever does most gets to choose a day out? Doesn't have to be expensive a picnic somewhere or a swim? Or anything you can think of? Keep on having chats with them they will listen eventually. I know it can get boring.

Hobbies are also good. When I moved her from my hometown, 2 years ago, I looked into local things to do. I joined an art group and met people there. It's also helped me with gifts as I got pretty good at it and paint for friends/family. Some hobbies can be good for this. Sewing etc..

Take it one day at a time and please don't let anyone have the power to make you feel bad.

Oh and by the way you're a baby! I'm 44 and still a young babe delusional

It's worth trying the incentive scheme with DCs........my DS loves his xbox so that's a bargaining tool I guess!

Thanks for the link MyDog, made me chuckle and I've put it on my desktop to watch again.

Curious, thank you for posting.......you sound so upbeat and positive! I'd love a hobby but just not sure what, also needs to fit in with DCs etc.

The DCs go to ex different days every week as he works shifts so I have to work around him which means I cannot really make plans as such as I never know what days I've got to play with???

Ahh that's a problem when shifts are involved. Is there anyone else to help out with childcare? At our community centre they do Zumba the same time as art for kids. Some places near you may do something similar with a hobby? There should be more of this imo.

Virtual hugs from me too. I am having a bad day as well. Can I join in?

I am a single mum of two (Ex left two years ago but it has taken me this long to start the divorce process). I have some health problems and am exhausted most of the time. My floors are sticky but I got most of the washing done :)

I know what you are going through and wanted to tell you that just keeping it all together is hard work and you must be such a strong person.

I desperately need someone to tell me that I am doing a great job and being a very good mum. I sure as hell don't feel like it and often feel like I am being so tough on myself. I wish I could stop blaming myself and putting myself down.

Hi, I am 35 yrs old with god knows what on the floors and cobwebs!!. Have been in agony past 6 wks with back pain, so everything has gone to pot!. See every cloud and all that, you are 3 yrs younger and not layed out with severe pain a headstart!!.
Seriously, we are all only doing the best we can in the circumstances we are in. Think like all of us I hope and pray for a much happier future (could not get much worse at present!).
Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon x

I was in your place at 32. Felt the same. Especially the no future bit.

16 years later I am remarried, been with dh 12 years, have daughter, son and 2 sc.

Your time will come, please believe me. 32 is young!

Thanks all......America, you already sound a better mum than me for getting the washing done

Yeah it's really bloody tough.......all I want to do tonight is sit with my wine and watch shite on TV but my DD is calling me constantly upstairs to see something in her book......awww, she's so lovely. Hate myself for getting annoyed with her and DS.......

:(

Can you put any ironing that isn't desperate to do into black bags and in a cupboard/spare room? I don't iron much tbh. And as for the washing do you have a tumble drier? I don't, I have to hang stuff. I often have clean washing laid on the dining table and chairs Don't think I'm alone in this though? I have some sort of block with clothes and washing and find it hard to sort? I'd love a utility room.

I think you deserve a bit of me time now if you're in the UK? It's almost 10pm. Don't feel guilty about that.

Getting the washing done doesn't make someone a bad or good mum. Chores aren't that important. As long as your home isn't a health risk and your dcs don't smell or look dirty then don't worry. Getting yourself feeling better is priority.