Lying to ds about his dad

[whethergirl]

Had a chat with ds aged 7 today who brought up the subject of his dad, it happens now and again. Ex has had no contact with myself and ds for about 4.5 years now.

DS was very upset & crying about not having a dad.

It is absolutely heart breaking to see ds like this. I have always tried my best to give him age appropriate answers to his questions, as close to the truth as possible. Sometimes they are a little vague. I have never said a bad word about his dad (and I have plenty), other than something like, not all dads find it easy being a dad.

DS begs me to try and contact him and I've told him that I don't have any idea how to get hold of him, but that he can try again when he is older. The thing is, I probably could contact him if I wanted to. But what would be the point? Even if ex found the idea a novelty enough to agree to speak or see ds, I know that long term it will only cause ds even more heartbreak and possibly issues that could influence the rest of his life. Better to have no father than a shit one, surely?

But I do feel bad about lying to him, and it's so so so hard when I see ds big brown eyes fill up with tears, wishing he could just speak to his father, and asking if, instead of a present, could Santa make this wish come true? I feel terrible for it.

I'm also wondering if at any point, when ds is older, and realises I could have made contact with his dad, will he feel betrayed?

It is better to have experienced the father and know than to believe your mother prevented that relationship. Remember when he is older, so will the father be and he may have matured into a lovely person. Who does not resembler the man from 8 years ago

But It is not an easy decision so tAke time and get other views their are lot of resources that may help you.

How about starting by sending photos, updates and see if you get any interest. If he responds and sends updates himself, photos etc .... That may be a good intro without begin a relationship which could be detrimental.

But the ex knows where we are and it was his decision not to get in contact with us. When he left he said he that he would send ds xmas pressies but that never happened (neither does he pay child maintenance). The ex has form...two other women before and after me which he also got pregnant and left. He actually contacted mother of first son after several years to say that he has changed, and would like to get in touch with his son etc. He sent about 2 letters and then never contacted them again. This is what I'm scared of.

I can understand that, and I wasn't picking on you decisions, I without knowing. Full story wondered if there was a wY of find out without too much involvement of your son.

I was more responding to your concerns of son feeling betrayed by you not contact father.
Do you have any details of his family. Would tey be interested in getting to know their grandson. That way son gets paternal family. They may not be interested but maybe you could find out more without raisi g sons hopres

I agree with latemates I think you should let Dad show DS what a total loser he is. It will be heartbreaking, and it will be painful, but so will it be when he blames you for withholding access to the most wonderfullest awesomeist dad a kid could ever have had.

I work with kids, and when they think there's a possibility that the lost parent doesn't know about them, they make up a fantasy that's hard to undo with the truth, unless the lost parent does it themselves. It's never pretty for the parent who is around. You'll be blamed for it. You'll get through it of course, but it just seems to happen a lot.

Sorry for the bummer post, OP, but I thought you should hear the possiblity.

Also, kids hate being lied to about stuff like this.

If you don't let him see for himself he will build his Dad up in his head as some kind of hero which will be even more of a let down in future years when he inevitably finds out what he is truely like.

Its going to be really tough for you but I think latemates has given really good advice. Sorry you are in such a shitty situation OP.

i agree with other posters. overall its better you do make contact with the father again or i do fear that you will get blamed in some way when he is older and realises you could have but didn't. It will probably be heartbreaking but better he has some idea of who his father is . Once he realises (unless dad has changed) unlikely he will keeping asking. Also I think the suggestion of trying other family on the paternal side to be a very good one ( as well as the dad.)

I also think you should try getting in touch. If you don't your son may well blame you in the future for not trying, and the best outcome (though maybe not the probable outcome) will be that your son and his dad start a relationship.

It's a hard one to call and a situation I find myself in. If the father doesn't get involved how much can the mother push it? I agree that if a child doesn't see the non-residential parent, then they build them up as this wonderful person. That is hard when the resident parent knows different.

So hard for you and I truly feel your pain. It is heartbreaking when your child comes crying and is visibly upset. And also when they show other signs of sadness.

All I can say is, go with your intuition. Do what you feel is the right thing to do. For whatever way you go, your child could always end up blaming you, or not as the case may be. Only time will tell.

Love and hugs.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support.

Ex's only immediate family is his father and sister, and if I am to believe what ex has told me, his dad is a pedophile (although ex was apparently never abused himself). So for that reason, I don't want ds anywhere near his dad.

One of my other concerns is that I have such a low opinion of ex's character that I would hate him to be an example to ds. And little boys to tend to look up to their dads don't they?

monsterchild - appreciate your advise based on your experience.
"you should let Dad show DS what a total loser he is" Only problem is ex is very manipulative and good at making people think he is a truly decent guy. Even worse, ds might make excuses for him.

WoopityWooWoo - I gotta say, my intuition is saying NO NO NO but I am open to the possibility that this may have something to do with the fact that I think I would find it quite traumatic being in touch with ex again. Obviously I would still want to do what is best for ds.

A bit of back story...knew ex only for a year and a half, moved in together, got pregnant and went through a very depressing couple of years. I found out he was addicted to porn and I came across some really disturbing stuff, and also found out he cheated on me several times. It was all very confusing at the time because he would constantly lie and manipulate, I was also very vulnerable at the time which I feel he took advantage of. I moved out when ds was 6 mths old. He was very sporadic with visits/money, often blowing us out on promises until he disappeared altogether - making life a lot easier actually.

His porn addiction, his dad, and the fact his parents were open swingers during his childhood also makes me feel very uneasy about ds spending time with him.

Oh god op, I think that puts a different slant on it. If you think there is a chance your ds could be exposed to any of that stuff I would not contact the ex or family. Wait til ds is 18 (or whenever you feel he can handle it) and explain you were protecting him from exposure to things that are not appropriate for a child to be around.

Glad to hear your life is better now.

Hi there. I have to say I disagree with some of the other posters and I feel that you should follow your instincts to keep DS's father away. Yes no father is better than a shit one. I think you need to tell your son the truth in age-appropriate language ie kill the superhero idea. You are not preventing him from seeing his father, the father did that himself. Please don't expose your son to some of the nasty behaviour that you have been exposed to. Your son is far too young. If he insists again when he is older, you can review the situation.

My son's father hangs around like a bad smell, not wanting to be with us but not leaving us to get on with our lives either. It is the worst of both worlds. I would much prefer him not to be on the scene rather than him trying to forge this bizarre relationship with my son.

CalmaLlama - mine and ds life are great now - except for this issue that ds has - and I'm feeling very protective about ex turning up and spoiling it for us.

So sorry to hear that Munchee, sounds awful and exactly what I'm afraid of.

justaboutiswarm - I have told him that his dad knows where we are and can contact us if he wants to. I haven't told him his dad doesn't want contact with him - as that would be too cruel. I mean it seems obvious, but not for a 7 year old desperate to see his dad.

I wonder if ds should get some sort of counselling for this? I can't afford it as I'm a student but there may be help out there? Think I will call Gingerbread advice line - has anyone called them, are they any good?

Thanks. I survive but I have my moments I can tell you.

I just think that in some ways you are fortunate to be in the situation you're in. You can protect your son from what sounds like a completely unsuitable father figure. In my mind there are different terminologies. My son has a "biological father" but not a "dad". He is only 18 mths old but as he grows up I will only use the term "biological father" to refer to his father and he will always know who he is and that that is where he came from. It doesn't mean he has to have a close relationship with him. I live in hope that one day a decent bloke may come into our lives he will be his "step father" but hopefully also his "dad".

It sounds like you and your son are happy and lead a good life. Like you say, don't let this idiot in and spoil it. You must be a wonderful mum, doing it on your own for 4.5 years. You know your son and will be able to help him through this patch and to understand that his "biological father" just isn't around for him to see at the current time.

PS Gingerbread are wonderful. Call them

Hi op. Nor sure if I have advice but I was never told anything bad about my mum and I put her on a pedastal. When I eventually got to know her I was confused. I don't know how I would have felt if I was told the truth. I also have a child with a shit father. I don't always hold my feelings but feel guilty as a result. I can't help feeling my ds should know the truth from the beginning but my god he fights his dads corner if I even whisper a word against him. So, I try to be honest but fair and discuss ds feeling with an element of avoidance. Who knows what's for the best but I have a feeling a element of the truth is better than the absolute truth. I ve confused myself. Sorry.

your back story does change things! i'd try Gingerbread too and see what they can suggest to help your DS deal with not seeing his father, after all they are experts and can put you in touch with more specific help.

I'm thinking of that doc about social services where a very young adopted boy was reading his life story book that had really specific details about how his mother was not able to keep him safe ("there was broken glass on the floor") so he could understand why he couldn't live with her. In your case its hard as you obviously don't want to explain porn etc to a 7 year old. I think getting some experienced advice is a good idea.

In the meantime have you got any male relatives or friends you could ask to spend some one to one time with him regularly? Its not the same as a dad but it might give him a boost to feel he has a man who cares about him and he can rely on, aside from his mum who is obviously fab!

No, you certainly should not tell your DS that his father does not want contact. Not at this age. It would be too emotionally scarring. Unfortunately, your DS will know the truth soon enough (possibly even knows now). But does not need you (the person he admires the most right now) to tell him an awful truth. Protect him until he is old enough to have a deeper conversation. That is my advice. Your DS is a young child that needs love, security and comfort. You neither have to tell him the truth, nor make some fanciful story up as to why his 'wonderful' DS cannot see him. Tell a half truth: "I am sorry that you do not see your father but he is not able to see you right now." Something along those lines - keep it short and then explain how much you love and care for him etc etc. Focus more on your love and and that you are in his life and less on his absent father.

That is my advice anyway.

I would explain to your DS something along the lines of his dad not being a sutable parent and that he did not teat you as well as a boyfriend/partner should and that when he was a baby you decided to live somewhere else so you could be sure that he (ds) was always cared for well.

Tell him that sometimes parents are not able to make the right choices in thier lives and sometimes he was not able to understand how to look after a child very well. I would explain that does not make him a bad person but it does mean he is not a suitable person to around.

Maybe explain how we learn our skills from our own parents and that his father sadly did not have parents he was able to learn good skills from.

Disagree with some of the other posters and say you're doing the right thing by protecting him in this way. Right now he is so young to deal with a man who clearly does not want to be a dad. Its better for him to be upset about not having a dad, than build up to thinking he will have one, and for that to be snatched away from him again. Because from what you've said, he certainly isn't going to be the father figure.

Do understand to a degree, it breaks my heart whenever DS asks for daddy when he's sad / angry with me.

munchee - you've made a great point and I think it would be worth considering explaining to ds, the difference between a biological father and a dad - although this might tricky without him having had the birds and the bees talk!

I guess in my head I've always thought it bad practice to say anything negative about the other parent, but now reading your posts I am re-considering due to ds possibly putting his 'dad' on a pedestal. Also, even in his absence his dad is some sort of male role model, and I need ds to understand that neglecting to parent your child is not acceptable. However WoopityWooWoo I see your point, and I couldn't bring myself to actually spell it out to ds that his dad doesn't want to see him. I do focus on what he does have - my dad, for example.

CalmaLlama ds spent a week at my dads (without me) this summer, absolutely loved it, as did my dad. So I will arrange for ds to stay there again, perhaps one weekend every 1-2 months.

I need to consider this very carefully, as contacting his dad may open a huge can of worms making the situation even worse. I will contact Gingerbread, hopefully they can help.

Hope it all goes the right way, whethergirl