Going from supervised access to home visits...

[StopBreakingMyStuff]

I'm a little confused about some stuff, hoping someone with similar experience can help.

DS is 2.1, he has seen EXP six times so far, in a contact centre, for 1- 1.5 hours every fortnight. Several of those visits DS had to be taken home after 10 minutes or so as he was screaming etc.

The court have now ordered that the contact centre visits continue for the next 2 months (so 4 visits) for 1.5 hours once a fortnight, then EXP can have DS visit his home.

I am quite worried about this. I don't think DS will know EXP well enough by then to be alone in his home with him. Obviously at the age he is DS can communicate a little, but mostly only in ways that his close family understands. EXP has asked me several times in the contact centre to translate as he cannot understand DS. Also, I have concerns generally about DS being so young. EXP's house could have any number of hazards, and as he obvs doesnt know anything about toddlers he might not see them. EXP has never changed DS's nappy, fed him, given him a drink etc.

Im just scared something will happen to DS. I know some of it is just mother fears at leaving him with somebody I basically don't trust. But tbh I wouldn't let DS go to many peoples houses without me, especially if he didnt know them very well. Also if he takes him out..

Argh. Any advice? Can the court make me let him go so soon?

who decided ds should go home after screaming? contact centre staff? was this recorded?
why are you there with exp at contact centre? does he come out of the room to ask you to translate? has this been recorded by contact centre staff? is it supervised and recorded contact or just a volunteer run contact centre ?

does ds have an identified speech delay or issue or special needs?

otherwise have visits gone well?
is there any evidence exp is risk to child or was it about risks to you that eld to contact centre? these are all issues to consider in your response to court or argument.

it is not your decision at the end of the day and you have to go along with it -

if court has evidence that cc visits have gone well then it will move on - tho next step can be supervised at dad's house eg with trusted third party/family member/other adult, rather than straight to unsupervised.

unless you have actual proof or evidence that there is risk to your child.

child screaming isnt it.

nor is potential hazards -unless is anything other than a "normal" home.

two hours at dad's house is not going to be considered risky unless there are obvious risk factors that you can present.

speak to your hv, ask if hv can do home visit to dad's house and she can then assess if anything unusual or dangerous - ie she could report to SS if she thought there was a risk. .

At over 3 years old I am sure your son can say drink, more , biscuit etc? His dad will have to learn to understand him & that will happen quicker if you aren't there as translator. Step back - you could be surprised!

Sorry, I meant at over 2 years old

You could offer more contact in the meantime, or arrange for someone to supervise first few visits at dads? His mum, sister, brother, friend etc?

Only way your ds is going to get used to his dad is with more contact

So the fact that EXP has never been around a young child, cant understand half the things DS says and has only met him six times doesn't have any impact on the decision?

It shocks me. The courts attitude is that they have to give him the chance to fail. Which I understand, but when the 'fail' could endanger my son Im not so understanding.

But he is slowly getting used to being with children isn't he? Let him do the drink/nappy/food thing at the contact centre. He will become confident. He's a fully grown adult with ( I hope) a modicum of common sense!

can you arrange for more contact in the meantime? Maybe some visits at his home with you or another relative around ? Children do get left with strangers all the time. Think of them going to nursery or childminder, they will have spent very little time getting used to the new place and person. What exactly are you concerned about ? you mentioned him taking your child out. Why do you think he would be irresponsible?

you need to be much clearer to yourself/court as to what precisely is the danger your ds will be in from your ex exactly. what is the risk? the fact he has turns up at contact centre goes very much in his favour -he is showing commitment.

lack of experience doesn't cut it -as they will just say leave him to get the experience.

I dont think its the same at all as leaving him with nursery. The people at nursery are qualified, used to children, and I filled in a massive questionairre about DS's skills/likes/dislikes etc when he joined.

EXP is a drug dealer who has no experience of young children. He does not know that DS will run into the road if taken out. He does not know DS cannot climb stairs unaided and he does not know that DS likes to pull TV's onto himself etc.

I just think its too soon is all. He doesnt know DS.

Well sounds like the courts have taken over and contact is moving on. You can't prevent that

Do you have proof he is a drug dealer? I wouldn't be mentioning that without some solid proof as you will look like you are clutching at straws to prevent contact. Being with your ds will give him the experience.

You havent explained why the father is a CC in the first place?

So far all you have given for not allowing it is your own seperation anxieties and then you throw in the allegation of ex being a dealer.

When my daughter was born I had no idea how to look after a baby - and guess what I soon learnt very fast - shock horror at 6 weeks old I was even looking after her on my own.

Your allegation and anxieties aside - how on earth is this childs father expected to form a relationship with his child otherwise

the courts are not allowing him to fail they allowing a more meaningful realtionshipt to develop.

is he a convicted drug dealer? is this all recorded? are there drugs in his house (why hasnt he been arrested?)

without evidence you cant says "he doesnt know...." - because he will soon learn.

i do understand your worries and concerns but without concrete evidence of his failure as a father or his neglect of your ds (and being a drug dealer may not mean he isnt able to look after ds...tho as is criminal activity then clearly police should be involved in arresting him ? ) you have nothing to go on and no reason legally to stop contact moving forward .

you need supprot of SS child protection or HV or other profressional in assssing your ex as a risk to DS. your say so on its own wont count.

He has a criminal record, but not for drug dealing. He is in a contact centre because of constant threats and harrassment whilst I was pregnant. This is recorded by police but he was only given a caution. Police wouldnt arrest him for drug dealing because he 'only' dealt coke and weed. Not serious enough drugs for them to follow up apparently.

Last year he told me I couldnt bring DS to his house because it was 'full of crackheads'.

There are plenty of reasons I dont trust him with DS, these are only some of them. But no, I cant prove these things. All of you who are leaping to his defence, you would leave your kids with him would you?

And learning how to look after a newborn is absolutely nothing like having a mental toddler running around your house.

I don't see anyone defending him. You have no rights, either of you, the rights lie with your ds who has a right to a relationship with both parents

As this has been to court I assume all your worried have been addressed by CAFCASS?

op - none of us know anything about children before we have them

Now, you clearly think this man isn't an ideal father for your children, but the harsh fact of the matter is that you had a baby with a man who wasn't an ideal father for your children and as such he is a father whether you approve of that or not.

It appears that he has decided he now wants a relationship with his son and is taking steps to allow this to happen. Whatever the allegations, if you throw those into the mix without any actual evidence you will look like the bitter clingy parent wanting to prevent access. No, he doesn't know about children at the moment, but he is soon going to learn isn't he.

Not knowing about children simply isn't good enough reason to put barriers in his way; child screaming after ten minutes isn't good enough reason to put barriers in his way. I would suggest you let someone else do the supervised visits because it's likely your own emotional anxieties will have an impact on your ds' ability to form a relationship with his father, and that isn't healthy either.

Sorry, but you had a child with this man, you have to live with the consequences of that now.

I dont understand what you expected us all to say, tbh! Did you think we would offer up some 'contact blocking' tips or something?

Can the court make me let him go so soon?

The short answer is yes, because the court takes the advice of professionals who have decided that based on the information they have your son will benefit from time with his Dad.

If you have information about your ex that they didn't have when they made this decision, that you think will change their mind, then I suggest you speak to your solicitor so that the case can go back to court.

If you haven't, and are (quite naturally) worried about your baby, then have a chat with your HV, or staff at the local Childrens Centre, as they will be able to put your mind at ease.

I think you may well find that if your ex struggle with your ds then he will possibly bring him home early or the requests for contact may drop off when he realises it is difficult to look after a demanding toddler. If this doesn't happen then perhaps your exp will learn to look after him and develop a relationship that is beneficial for your son. Whilst I can completely understand your feelings and worry, I would start preparing to make it go as smoothly as possible for the sake of your ds. I have a non verbal child who is sometimes looked after by carers who don't know him very well. I wrote a kind of guide to looking after my ds - what he likes dislikes and how he communicates etc. this helped me feel better about leaving him with new people.

Excellent post cansu.

OP, it is hard to come to terms with what the court have ordered, but they are introducing contact slowly and carefully. They won't change their minds now about what they have already ordered, so you need to start trying to make the experience as anxiety-free as possible for your DS. You say your ex has never changed a nappy, fed or given DS a drink? Well make sure he has done all those things before he leaves the contact centre. You have 4 visits to get some basics in place - the staff will help. Do you think DS is picking up on your tension at the contact centre and that is why he starts screaming?

No I would not like to leave small child with him but reality is that the court is ordering the contact move n and presumably they have the police records but have decided this is no barrier to contact with him.

So in answer to your question can court order unsupervised contact the answer is yes unless you come up with serious reasons why not backed up by hv or ss.

Child crying is not a reason nor is lack of practice.

House full of crackheads might be but you need proof l

I dont take DS to the contact centre, my mother does. I do not want to see EXP at all. So no, that isnt why he is crying. He is crying because he does not want to go.

I did not want 'contact blocking' tips. I just wanted to know if it was normal practice to have unsurpervised home visits so soon.

So is he crying before he gets there, or screaming once he arrives?

Who ends the visits? If it's the contact centre staff, their report may support your request to delay unsupervised contact until your DS is more comfortable in his Dads company.

is there anyone you trust who DS knows who would be willing to supervise more contact, maybe a trip to the park or playground with Dad present? would your Mum be willing? If DS has started to associate the contact centre with trauma and upset that isn't great , so breaking the pattern by doing something else might help. Might only take 1 or 2 sessions.

you need some written reports from the contact centre really - were they asked to make written reports?

what is contact centre staff view?
are they proffesional or just volunteers?

have you spoken to your cafcass officer? the cafcass officer might be able to attend a cc visit and report back ?

also has cafcass officer visited ex's home and said it's ok?

i's hard to say why ds is crying - eg because it is dad, because it is the centre, or what? or just the transition. is dad telling court/staff he will do whatever it takes?

you could try asking cc staff if they will accompany dad to local park for example. see how things go outside.

spoeak to cc staff and speak to your cafcass officer get them invovled with next step and whether cc should continue or other supervised visits.

CC staff are just volunteers, I have had words with several of them for various things already.

Will CAFCASS do a home visit then? That would set my mind at ease a little. I have not seen his house at all so I have no clue how he lives.

DS cries as soon as he sees the contact centre. Its not just crying, its hurling himself around til blue in the face and vomiting crying. Hence why he was taken home a few times after 10 minutes. Even EXP was just looking at him in shock, he in fact suggested DS was taken home the first time. So its hard to say whether its the whole situation, the place, or EXP.