Holiday contact advice

[wirral]

Wow what an interesting topic for a thread. Bet I get lots of replies!! I am still coming to terms with my hsuband leaving me in January and after finally getting access to our daughter sorted out ( he wanted to see her every available moment). Now I've got the holiday dilema. We own an apartment in Portugal and tend to go there every school holiday. We've got all our flights already booked for this year ( booked at a time when apparently my soon to be ex husband was so unhappy he was considering leaving). He wants to take her away for the May half term ( 10 days) and for at least two weeks in the Summer. The thought of me being without her for these periods seems horrendous. Please does anyone have any advice or suggestions? I do want him to have contact with our daughter and can't think of anyway of making the holiday time more bearable!

Hi Wirral glad you got the access things sorted, what kind of arrangement did you come to in the end? it must be a big weight off your mind anyway
As for holidays well the logical thing to do would be to book a holiday somewhere else whilst they are away, so that you are busy doing something fun rather than worrying about your dd...
But I can see that might be an expensive option...

Two weeks does sound like quite a long time to be away on the trot, do you think he might consider breaking it up into 2 single weeks so that you don't have a whole fortnight to go without her?

I've had to go on quite a few work trips without my dd and found that keeping myself very busy was the best way to get through them. And in some ways nice not to have the responsibility for a while, if you see what I mean...

Hi Blue Jelly

thanks again for the advice. We've agreed that my husband will pick daughter up from school 2 nights a week and bring her back at 6.30. In addition to this he can have one overnight stay at the weekend. I should feel happy but as you can imagine am finding it difficult to come to terms with the one overnight stay but I know it's early days at the moment.

I take on board the advice over taking a holiday at the same time and I think that next year this would be a viable option but this year money is tight and solicitor's fees expensive! The problem this year is that it's all so recent and that the flights have already been booked. I wish that I could discuss this with him but I feel so tonguetied when he's around and upset/angry/confused that I don't make any sense at all.

I may feel better by the time the Summer hols come round and am trying to take one day at a time but life does seem very bleak at times.

Thanks again for the advice

wirral
been meaning to cat you as am in a similar situation to you (since Nov)

am back on line later around 8pm if you want to chat

Bugger - would have loved to chat to you. Am writing this at work! Have dismantled computer at home so husband can't come in and use it! Childish I know - but so far it's been my only form of revenge!

I've just hit another problem and need advice. Not sure if you've been following my past threads but husband works shifts and access to our daughter has and is a nightmare to sort out. Up to yesterday I thought I'd finally done it! We'd agreed that he could pick her up from school 2 evenings a week and have her one overnight stay at the weekend. He was not happy but reluctantly agreed. I understand that the access is going to be eratic due to his shifts. He provided me with his 6 week shift rota ( Which he organises) and I was happyish in that I could come to terms with the various overnight stays as well as organise who was going to pick my daughter up when he can't. Anyway as of last night I am now on the THIRD version of this rota. I honestly don't know whether I am coming or going! I tried to speak to him about it on the phone ( rationally honestly) which resulted in him hurling his mobile phone against the wall in front of our daughter and smashing it! This upset her. He then proceeded to explain that Mummy was not letting him see her! I think he's gone mad! Anyone any ideas? Am slowly having a nervous breakdown about all this!!

am at work so cant write much - will write tonight instead

you can password protect your computer or do whjat I did and buy a lock for a room in your hosue & lock computer in there !!

Hey good idea re password protect. I'll try to get round to reassembling it. Had a really bad time with soon to be Ex last night. He gave me his 6 week shift rota 2 weeks ago and we agreed dates that he could see daughter, this was all done via solicitors. Since then he's changed the rota 3 times the last occasion being Monday. I am really fed up and can't stand having to do this every 6 weeks. I can't arrange to do anything or go anywhere as he might change the nights that he wants to see our daughter! I tried to talk to him reasonably on the telephone but he threw his mobile against the wall and smashed it. Our daughter was there at the time and got upset. He then told her that Mummy wasn't letting him see her.
Last night I tried to talk reasonably to him again. He threatened to come to the house. I wasn't there so I had to phone the babysitter and ask her to lock the door. He came but couldn't get in. He then kept texting and phoning me telling me that I was breaking his heart and that he was going to finish work so that I couldn't get any money from him ( I'm not interested in money from him)

I feel so miserable. Maybe I should just let him do the new shift pattern.

Oh and still have the bloomin holiday nightmare looming.
HELP!!!!

Oh Wirral you poor thing. Sounds like emotions are running high on both sides!
Obviously he shouldn't have thrown the phone at the wall ( how old is he ffs?) but from my experience with my ex he was rather shouty and cross when we first split up, now a couple of years down the line he is very mellow and we get on ok. He he still does mess me around a bit with access but there is no emotional pain there so i am able to view his behaviour as an annoyance rather than something that upsets me...
Do you think your ex is deliberately changing his shift pattern to hurt you? Or is it genuine? If it's genuine I would just go along with it for an easy life.
As for giving up work I doubt he will, he's probably just trying to flex his muscles a bit...
Hopefully he'll calm down ( and grow up!) soon and you can both move forward with your lives.

Just out of interest, why does he think you are breaking his heart? Wasn't it him that left you?

Thanks again bluejelly. I've just spoken to my solicitor and she is telling me to stay strong and get him to stick to original agreement. I am not so sure this is the best advice. To be honest I don't want HIM to be upset ( pathetic eh?) i suspect that his change of rota is genuine but also feel that he could arrange swaps or take annual leave rather than mess me around. I just wish I knew what was the 'right' thing to do. As my solicitor has just said ' the more you give him the more he wants'. But from his point of view he is divorcing ME not DAUGHTER.

As for the breaking of heart comment, I'm breaking it as not letting him see daughter when he wants to.

At least I've stopped crying at the moment. I think I'm all cried out

My dh used to work a really complicated shift pattern and this caused problems with his x when trying to arrange contact with his daughter. She wanted to stick to a regular pattern of one contact per month (that was all she was allowing at the time) and told dh that if he was working when he was due to see his daughter it was tough luck. She even told the Court that she thought he could change his work pattern if he really wanted to. He couldn't dictate what shifts he worked, and he couldn't take odd days off either - apart from the fact the he may have been away at sea on contact days, he was contracted to work so many days on and so many days off, with no leave granted on the days on. It was really frustrating as all he wanted to do was see his daughter, but he also needed to hold down a job and get an income so that he could pay the maintenance. I think if his shift changes are out of his control then you have to go with it, as frustrating as it is. The important thing is that your dd continues to have contact with her dad.

My advice would be to try to sort this out without resorting to solicitors and Courts. My husband had to get a Court Order to get the level of contact he has now and it wasn't pleasant and as far as I could see it only served to polarise dh and his x even further. The only other thing I would say is try to put yourself in his position. Imagine how it would feel if you could only see your daughter for just a few hours each week. Of course you're going to miss her when she's with him - but he's missing her too when she's with you. There's no excuse though for getting angry in front of her, that just isn't on.

Good luck, I hope you can get this sorted

Thanks Surfermum. I am honestly trying to see things from his point of view and I understand how horrible it must be for him but I still don't think that I should have to live my life around his shifts. At the end of the day it was his decision to leave with no explanation and no discussion. I get the impression he just thought that he would have the same amount of contact with his daughter and that I would take a back seat whenever he was off work. In reality though Daughter and I need some kind of routine and stability.

I suspect that deep down I think that I will agree to this 3rd change of rota as I don't want daughter or husband deprived of each other but I am still not sure that this is the correct thing to do.

I must say we heaved a big sigh of relief when the season came to an end - dh opted not to work the winter season and got a self-employed job so he could take as much time off as he wants. We now see dsd every 3rd weekend and half of the school holidays and that would have been impossible to arrange if he'd stayed on the ferries.

It is early days since he left Wirral, but maybe I can reassure you that things do eventually settle down. My dh and his x couldn't be in the same room at one point, but when he last went to collect dsd he went in for a coffee - and that's something we never thought would happen.

Wirral actually i think this is the correct thing to do. Or course you shouldn't have to live around his shifts but if it was a genuine reason I really think a bit of flexibility on both sides goes a long way.
So often access is a battleground for angry parents and I think if you are both focussed on what's best for your daughter then you will get through these issues.

Having said that I can of course see why you are so angry with him! But if you can manage to separate that anger from the access issues, then I think you will be the winner in the long run.

Hope that makes sense!

Ok latest saga. Have just come into work to find that he's emailled me at work. Joy! He is saying that he feels that I am stopping him seeing our daughter and that he doesn't want to be a part time Dad. He says that the breakdown of our marriage shouldn't mean that he sees less of our daughter and goes on and on. Demanding that he takes her for all the half term and for 2 weeks in the Summer

This has been lovely to read in work. I am sorry Surfermum but he really wants his cake and eat it too. Please someone help me. This is such a living nighmare

Oh Wirral you poor thing. The thing he doesn't seem to understand it that by absenting himself from the marital home it is very difficult to be anything other than a part-time dad. Sounds like he has unrealistic expectations.
He needs to understand that you are not trying to stop seeing his daughter but that it will take a while for you to adjust to the new situation and when you are used to seeing your daughter every day the idea of not seeing her for two whole weeks is alarming.
Can you explain how you feel and say that you really want to work towards a situation of shared access but that it will take a while to adjust?
Is there a family friend or relative who could mediate?

Also, does he not feel bad about what he has done? Has he expressed any remorse? He really should be asking forgiveness not giving you a hard time over access, particularly at this early stage !

Thanks Bluejelly - you never let me down. I wish I could show you the email. Not there is no remorse and I am sure in a way that the reason this has upset me so much is that he doesn't appear to have any doubts about his decision and I am hoping that he will come back. Pathetic eh?

From his e mail you would think that I am never letting him see his daughter. His expectations are so unrealistic. There are no mutual friends to mediate in fact he doesn't have many friends and I think at the moment this may be part of the problem. He has moved into his one bedroomed flat and is now feeling lonely and having time to brood. Although plainly not lonely enough to miss me!

Part of his e mail also states that he will not allow me take Eleanor away if he can't take her away for 2 weeks in the Summer. He doesn't seem to realise that this is not his decision to make. I am primary carer and I know that this makes me sound childish but I think this is a major obstacle that he doesn't realise that I am to an extent in control.

I am proposing splitting the half term and also letting him take her abroad for a week in the Summer. He can't seem to realise that I think she will miss her Mum more than her Dad. But also I think that next year things may be more settled and he may be able to take her for longer.

Please am I being horrible???

I don't think you are being horrible at all! SOunds like he is having trouble facing up to the reality of his decision to leave and rather than feeling guilt and remorse he is channelling his negative energy into fighting with you ( you know, along the lines of the best method of defence is attack).
I think you are being very reasonable and if he could stop feeling so angry he could see you were too.

I think there are mediation services available to splitting parents, I wonder if this is something he would consider.

i think he needs to realise that you need quality time with her aswell. quality time is not day to day stress, you should both have her at times when you can do fun stuff like weekends, mornings before school dont really count imo.

my ex has the kids one teatime through the week and every other weekend. holidays are split in half - every other half term (weekends stay every other weekend so half term is only counted as mon - fri), 3 weeks during summer hols split into 2 weeks + 1 week, 1 week at xmas starting 2 pm xmas day and 1 week at easter.

wtf is he on about not wanting to be a part time dad? so you are supposed to drop her off at school and thats it? its great he wants to see her, but he has to be realistic about you having a relationship with her aswell. he obviously hadnt thought this through

are you going to court? sounds like that might be the way to go. once its down on paper with an official stamp he cant mess you about like this. could you suggest he finds another job?

Thanks for the advice Dolly. I think that another problem that is happening here is that I don't think he is seeking legal advice. As I said he is talking about 'insisting' that I delay our pre booked holiday if I don't agree to his 3rd version of his rota. He doesn't seem to realise that he is not in the position to 'insist' anything.

God this is so difficult.

My problem with holiday contact and I do realise that this is MY problem is that I work term time and therefore am off every school holiday. I can renegotiate my work contract in Oct. I just don't want to be sitting at home this year whilst he's taking her away. Next year if I go back full time I may be more able to cope. Selfish I know.

Thanks again

its not selfish at all, i think you have been very reasonable wirral. i didnt mean to make it sound like i thought i had everything perfect, but i thought it might help if you knew what contact someone else had agreed on. tbh i hate the holidays aswell, i used to have awful nightmares for the couple of nights before my kids went away. they only stopped after i had ds3 - i think im too tired for nightmares now!

its never going to be easy but you do sound like you have your head screwed on right. the most important thing for me is that i carry on having a good relationship with my children when they are old enough to understand all this aswell as a good relationship now. my x has been dreadful, i have no idea how he is going to explain his behaviour when they are older.

if your x isnt getting legal advice, thats his problem. you can go to court if you feel it is necessary, it might make things easier (talk to your solicitor tho, i dont know your situation so might be wrong there!)

you definately need to have plans when your dd is away, even if its just planning to be hungover most of the time! i always got ill when the kids were with their dad, i think my body used the time to catch up with itself. now i have ds3 with dp i dont have chance to do that now, being ill seems like such a luxury!

i try to keep positive about things, if you tell yourself you are worried then you will be, if you focus on having time to yourself to go shopping, to the pub, or whatever you will cope lots better.

good luck xx

Hi Wirral

DO switch your computer back on at home as I cant talk while at work

lots of good advice (as usual)

you are entitled to quality time yourself
you are entitled to do what YOU feel is best for you & your DD - after all, daddy has left so she must be pretty confused so right now she needs reassurance & stability

I also agree with planning things for yourself
You are bound to miss her & probably feel guilty if you find yourself feeling relaxed & enjoying a quiet undisturbed cup of coffee

am at home tomorrow so will log on to see how you're doing

your DD is probably confused enough with daddy leaving, without wondering where shes staying & whether you've left too.

Wirral there's no need to apologise to me. I just read these things and look at them from dh's perspective and hope that I can maybe explain how things were for him so that it might help. I know I find it helpful reading stuff on here from parents with care.

DH had to sort out contact during school holidays via the Courts. Dsd comes for half of every half term, a week at Easter, a week at Christmas and two separate weeks in the summer holidays. She was 4 when the Court Order was drawn up and the Court felt that she was too young to come for a fortnight. It actually suits us better anyway and we tend to have a week at the start of the hols and a week at the end, and have a camping trip and another holiday somewhere (last year we were "allowed" by BM to go abroad for the first time with dsd).

I think the suggestion of going to mediation is a really good one. I can't emphasise enough how stressful going to Court was, not to mention the cost.

I don't underestimate how difficult this all must be for you though. Take care.

Hi. Normal daily trauma. Had to get husband removed by police last night. He said long, emotional goodbye to daughter then asked if we could meet up to talk. I refused and he put his foot and then his knee in the door to prevent me closing it. Daughter then hysterical thinking I am shutting Daddy out of house. Finally manage to push him out. He then refused to leave outside at some stage developing a cuddly toy from his car that he started waving to daughter through window wanting her to open door. Daughter still hysterical shouting she hated me. Then she managed to open sash window at which point they both start hugging through the window. I had to call the police to remove him. Not sure who is going mad at the moment. Can't take much more of this. Daugher is now saying things like ' I know my own mind and I want to see Daddy every day'. She's 6 and expressions like ' I know my own mind are not that of a 6 year old. I also have changed that time that he brings her home used to be 7 now 6.30. It may sound petty but that extra half an hour makes such a difference when getting her to bed. Last night was the first night this was enforced. Dear Daddy told her that if he didn't have her back in time I would stop him seeing her.

Bloody hell! AM SO FED UP. He used to be a reasonable, rational person. At the end of the day I am so worried that our daughter is going to be damaged by all this

Hi,

keep offering xp time over hoils, ie a couple of days at half terms, or he does oct and I do easter...and half of summer hols....he keeps letting DS1 (9) down. He leaves it till last minute and then says he cant coz of wor or something. How do I talk to DS1 about this...he only ever sings xp praises.?

omg wirral, that is completely out of order. my x also got my kids to say things, but professionals can tell when a child is being coached so try not to worry. would a solicitors letter shock him into behaving properly? maybe a mention of a restraining order would stop him attempting to force his way into your home

i completely understand about the extra 1/2 hour btw, i have also changed drop off time from 7 to 6.30, i dont think anyone would tell you that is unreasonable. it is unreasonable for him to expect to see her every day however, you deserve time with her aswell when he is not around causing trouble.

are you keeping a diary? write down everything. if he carries on you will be left with no other option than to take it to court and although it is still your word against his (tho the police will be able to back you up about yesterday - keep a note of the log number) it can help if you have kept a record