Holiday contact advice

[wirral]

Wow what an interesting topic for a thread. Bet I get lots of replies!! I am still coming to terms with my hsuband leaving me in January and after finally getting access to our daughter sorted out ( he wanted to see her every available moment). Now I've got the holiday dilema. We own an apartment in Portugal and tend to go there every school holiday. We've got all our flights already booked for this year ( booked at a time when apparently my soon to be ex husband was so unhappy he was considering leaving). He wants to take her away for the May half term ( 10 days) and for at least two weeks in the Summer. The thought of me being without her for these periods seems horrendous. Please does anyone have any advice or suggestions? I do want him to have contact with our daughter and can't think of anyway of making the holiday time more bearable!

Sorry to hear this. It's really not on for stuff like this to go on in front of your dd.

As a mum I can understand that that half hour makes all the difference in the world. And probably if things were fine between the two of you he'd understand why you wanted her home earlier. But in the current situation, he is likely just to see it as you restricting even more when he can see his daughter - even if that isn't what you're trying to do.

Does he have telephone contact with her on the days that she can't see him?

Yes he has phone contact.Mistress Miggins my computer is now back on. Please let me know when/if you fancy a chat.

Oh God Wirral you poor thing, I don't understand why is he manipulating your daughter at this time. He left you ffs!
Sounds like you have been nothing less than reasonable.
He really needs a reality check.
Honestly, what is his problem?
( Sorry that's prob not that helpful, but am )
Hope things calmed down a bit today, let us know how you are

Today started off ok.Went to Doctors regarding something else and when she asked how I was- blurted out the whole story. She told me that I needed to find out why he'd left in order to move on. I took the morning thinking about this and texted him asking to meet to discuss why he left.( All he wants to discuss is daughter)
He phoned me and told me eventually that he'd been trying to make our marriage work for 18 months ( date that I caught him phoning a female colleague when we were on holiday) and that my recent work trip to Luxembourg had shown him that he was happier without me. Bloody Doctor- I feel so much better for not realising I needed to save my marriage.How could I have been so blind?? Anyway the conversation ended in a big rant on his side as I don't want him to see our daughter from 11am to 6.30 pm the next day over the Easter hols.I want 11am to 11am or 6.30pm to 6.30pm. Perhaps I am being unreasonable? I'm not sure obviously the temptation is to punish him via daughter and I can't decide if I am doing this or not. He finished by saying that he'd take me to court.

He really seems to hate me and I am being so pathetic. This morning I was at work and can feel a panic attack coming on as I think about the future.

You are not being pathetic. He has no reason to hate you. If there was a problem with the marriage he should have talked to you about it, not just bottled it all up and then bolted.

If I were him I would be feeling guilty and trying to make you feel better by understanding your situation and fitting in with you.

Mind you some people cannot cope with feeling guilty and just fall into the blame game.

Personally I think that 11 to 11 or 6.30 to 6.30 is totally reasonable. I dont think you are punishing him, I think that he is trying to punish you because he feels to bad.

The man needs to see sense!

Sorry I feel rather cross about the way he's treating you. I wish he could see that the way he is behaving is completely counter-productive. The more he behaves like a nutter and tries to get into your house etc, the less likely you are to want him to spend long periods in sole charge of your daughter!

Anyway the fact that you are morally right and behaving far more maturely than him is one thing. But I can see that you are going to have to work with him no matter what.

Is there a compromise that can be had out of this situation, eg he can have her for two shorter periods (maybe of 18 hours) rather than 1 x 36 hours?

Would he agree to have an external mediator look at the case? I think there is a service, maybe if you rang the CAB they could advise.

Hang in there Wirral I am sure in a year's time this will all seem like a bad memory. Don't be scared of the future the only way is up from here....

bluejelly. Thanks so much for the advice. I am glad that you don't think I'm being unreasonable. I just really worry because the temptation is to use daughter as a weapon against him.He tells me that I am being unreasonable and that makes me doubt myself. I am not too sure how he justifies himself to himself if at all. At the moment I am just waiting to hear if he agrees to sharing the 10 day May half term 50/50. Did I mention that during the time that he's been unhappy he or we have booked all our holidays this year. We jointly own an apartment in Portugal so virtually every school holiday is covered by ALL our flights to Portugal. I work term time so am off work every school holiday. If or when he takes her away I will be climbing the walls. Obviously next year I will consider going back to work full time if only to keep occupied when he takes her on holiday.

Have had 2 x gin and tonics and it's not yet 7pm! Feeling ok at the moment!

Two gin and tonics sounds like a good idea Wirral, a third even better!
As to using your daughter as a weapon, well it sounds like he is doing that, insisting on taking her for long periods without giving you all a while to adjust to the new circumstances!
I think you have to take the moral high ground and behave incredibly reasonably and sensibly. Well that's what I did with my ex . He was deeply immature and at points has done his best to mess up contact arrangements.I always thought if I kept behaving maturely and sensibly he would eventually see sense and follow my example.
We still have a few niggles but generally the system we have going works well, he has a good relationship with our dd, he and I are fairly friendly and it kind of works.
He is still fairly unreliable money-wise but I have really tried my best not to let that interfere with the contact arrangements, on the basis that my dd should not be deprived of her father just cos he is crap with money.

I totally appreciate that your ex is behaving badly , which is obviously extremely exasperating, but hopefully if you are able to 'rise above' his emotional manipulation he will eventually get bored of playing mind games and you can both get on with the rest of your lives!

Anyway those are just my thoughts.... hope you're feeling okay today

wirral I don't see how he is getting all the Portugal holidays with DD. I think you and she should get to take one of them. They were booked when you were all a family.

Not feeling too upbeat today although for once have no tales to tell. I am dwelling on the fact that he has been unhappy for 18 months and am wondering how I could have been so blind to it. I have re read his e mail and find it so hard to accept that this man ever loved me at all. When did he stop? I know that there aren't any answers and that I really just need to move on. At least some days are good.

Oh I know I did have some advice that I need. My husband's Nan ( 92 and dead nice) moved into a nursing home. In an attempt to prevent all her savings being spent on fees all her shares and some of her savings were transferred into my husband's name on the understanding that when she dies they will be split between him and his brothers. I suspect although I could be wrong that he won't disclose these to his solicitor. Do you think it's morally wrong of me to count them in our divorce settlement? I am in two minds. We are not talking large amounts but it just may help me. I would have benefitted from them if we had remained married! Despite this I suspect that I should ignore them

Total change of subject - sorry

How are you feeling today Wirral? No experience in divorce settlements as have never been married, but FWIW I would leave your ex's Nan's money out of it. By all means fight the battles that need to be fought, but I wouldn't unneccesarily antagonise an already difficult situation over something like that.

It must be so hard to think that your ex was unhappy for 18 months. But really he should have mentioned something before just upping and leaving!
If he was feeling like that it's his resposibility to tell you, not yours to guess what went wrong.

Keep telling yourself you are better off without him, anyone who treats their wife like that really is not someone worthy of you!

I know it's so hard to discover that someone is not what they seemed. But you will come to terms with it and find someone else who deserves you. Don't lose hope!