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Lone parents

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Original poster

Babys father is married and not too me !

77 replies

Elz · 13/03/2006 14:12

Is anyone in a similar situation to me. my ex partner is married with his own children. I thought they had split up but found out after 4 months this wasnt the case when his wife invited a load to people to a surprise birthday party inc me i realised but it was too late and i had fallen preggers although i was on the pill ! We both worked at the same company hence party invite. Is anyone in the same boat as me ?? married partner but not to them ! My babys 14 months now and im so lonely and find the whole situation a nightmare. I also worry she will find out and i feel so bad and guilty if only i had know i would never have seen him. If it comes out ill look like a bitch as well and i really didnt know ! cant talk to any of my friends or all the girls in my baby group as they wouldnt understand there all happily married or with the babys dads. Anyone else feel the same :)

OP posts:
mistressmiggins · 13/03/2006 17:08

hmmmm

as the wife (soon to be ex) I would say I would have wanted to know - your child may decide to go looking for his father in 18yrs time & what will that do to the family then?

I agree that you should really be thinking about your child especially id you really didnt know they were still together

Carmenere · 13/03/2006 17:10

You know you are not doing yourself any favours by being a martyr. Who are you to say that his daughter is better off not knowing that she has a baby brother. Who are you to say that his wife is better off not knowing that her daughter has a brother.

It is life, it has happened, there is a child here that deserves the best that you can give him and just fading away into the background because you don't want confrontation is possibly not the best thing for your child.

Uwila is right about the money, even if you are independently wealthy the point is, is that your baby deserves to be supported by his father. You don't have to give up independence in exchange for financial support. And what about rest and relaxation for you, what about in 5 years time when you want to go away for the weekend, wouldn't it be nice to think that your ds could stay with a dad who loved him?

I am not without experience in this field though my situation is different from yours, it is my opinion that unless the bloke in question is an alcoholic wife beater abusive person, a child needs a relationship with their father.

Uwila · 13/03/2006 17:10

I'm talking about forcing this man to come play happy families against his (and your) will. I'm talking about a trust fund or a monthly income to better the quality of your son's life. Your son deserves everything his daughter has. And only you can get it for him. Nobody else is going to initiate this process for him.

Original poster
Elz · 13/03/2006 17:12

No i dont claim any benefits. i had a high paid job until last year and have never taken any money off a man in my life. Ive always made my own. i work part time now as i was lucky enough to buy my house and bits when i did earn alot. No i would never break up a family and really didnt know there situation. i guess i still dont althouhgh i know enough to know i cant trust him. its not all his fault as he didnt want the baby i did give him my word i wouldnt claim so thats not his fault.

OP posts:
Uwila · 13/03/2006 17:12

oi, miggins. Lovely to see you. How are you?

Uwila · 13/03/2006 17:16

My typing skills are the pits. I meant to say Im NOT talking about forcing this man to play happy families.

Original poster
Elz · 13/03/2006 17:16

I guess i think like i do beacuse i am an only child and never new my dad and my mother did it all by herself. Anyway thanks for all the comments most of them i agree with i guess maybe im just to gutless and no i dont know what im scared of but something stops me !

OP posts:
Original poster
Elz · 13/03/2006 17:18

Your right. i think ill ask for something even iif its £200 a month or something. Then he cant see us ( as his not interested not that im denying him) and i can save it for my son in an account :-)

OP posts:
Uwila · 13/03/2006 17:18

And what are you going to say to your son when he asks you why YOU didn't fight for him. He might, you know. He might think you were supposed to get him a father. And he might like to know his sister. I know you are trying to do what you feel is best. But, how can you be sure that this is what he (your son) would want?

Uwila · 13/03/2006 17:21

£200? Ask for 20% of his net income, and settle for nothing less.

Original poster
Elz · 13/03/2006 17:22

he also has 2 children with his first wife. one of which has 2 children of her own and is only 3 years younger than me ! Its all a nightmare (except my beautiful baby that is). Does everyone really think i should break up a family and make him see a child he dosnt want ? im just surprised thats all. Ill deff have a good think now thankyou all of you :)

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Carmenere · 13/03/2006 17:22

Elz your pride is misplaced in this case imo. again Uwila is right your son deserves everything his daughter has. My dp has a daughter in Paris, she is the result of an affair he had whilst he was married, before I met him. His marraige spilt up as a result. It was definitely for the best.

Her mum has feckall money and we don't either but we make sure that she has what the rest of his children have because she deserves that because she is his child the same as my dd is his child and his other older kids. How disgusting would it be of me to want that child to have less than my dd? How do you know that your exdp's wife would not feel like I do. Why do you want your child to have less than his sister? Is he a second class citizen? Is he a grubby little secret, not to be spoken about? Is that good enough for him? It wouldn't be for a child of mine.

LIZS · 13/03/2006 17:25

"its not all his fault" Shock - it takes 2 to tango and, as I understand it, if you have sex the risk of pregnancy is always there however small. Sorry but it sounds as if your life is currently on hold waiting for something to happen, even just his infrequent visits. That is no way for you and your son to live.

He isn't going to commit either way all the time he is allowed to continue with his secret and shirk repsonsibilty. Perhaps his wife knows anyway and chooses to ignore it. What did you colleagues know of your pregnancy ? ime it is rare for there to be no office gossip or suspicion in such a situation.

Carmenere · 13/03/2006 17:25

Sorry if I sound harsh but this is a subject I feel strongly about. I am sure you are doing your best but you did sound miserable in you original post so maybe it's time to look at your situation in a different way?

Uwila · 13/03/2006 17:29

I do not think he should be forced to spend time with this child. I do think he should be forced to take a paternity test and support this child just as well as he supports his daughter.

Lying stinking scoundrel. I bet that's how he got to be a director, too.

Original poster
Elz · 13/03/2006 17:30

I understand all the comments and im taking them on board. No no one in the office ever found out i know that for sure. only 2 of my best friend there know and one of them is my babys godmother so i know they would never say. im still friends with people from work now. thats not why i dont want anyone to find out though its not for me. even though i didnt know they were together i still did wrong and i know that. I really believe im doing whats best for my son :)

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Uwila · 13/03/2006 17:32

Uh, what have you done wrong. From what I have read here. Tosser wronged his wife. Tosser wronged you. Tosser wronged his daughter. And now Tosser is wronging a son he's ashamed to acknowledge.

I don't even know this man, but I do know one thing: he is the tosser.

(gosh, I should really clean up my mouth)

Carmenere · 13/03/2006 17:36

FFS Elz, even if you knew he was married and you had an affair the fact is you have a child that doesn't deserve to be swept under the carpet. Even if you feel some sort of misplaced guilt why should you inflict that feeling of shame on your innocent child. This is the 21st century people aren't as judgemental as you think. Why shouldn't everyone at his company know?

Original poster
Elz · 13/03/2006 17:37

I sould have checked. there were time when i thought he was lying i just wished i checked. his poor wife is 30 yrs older than me and what a kick in the teeth that will be when she finds out. i feel so bad evern though i didnt know i still feel auful for her :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Elz · 13/03/2006 17:38

sorry i meant 20 yrs older and sorry about the bad spelling getting a bit carried away here writting.

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Carmenere · 13/03/2006 17:39

Why what did you do to her?

Uwila · 13/03/2006 17:41

Elz, I'm really torn bewtween typing a sypathetic post and giving you a swift kick up the backside to knock some sense into you. Don't accept blame for what HE has done. You are not responsible for his lies. He is. You are responsible for ensuring your son has the best possible life he can. Do nothing for the benefit of the tosser. Do everything for the benefit of your lovely son.

Carmenere · 13/03/2006 17:42

And do you really think she is going to afford you the same sympathy when she does find out because she will. Agree with Uwila about kick in the arse, sorry.

Original poster
Elz · 13/03/2006 17:43

i dont know her i just think the fact that im 20yrs younger isnt nice for her mind you i suppose it dosnt matter my age that fact i was with her husband is bad enough !

OP posts:
Carmenere · 13/03/2006 17:44

Your age doesn't matter in the least unless you think that her husband is going to leave her because you are younger and more attractive than her.