Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Babys father is married and not too me !

77 replies

Elz · 13/03/2006 14:12

Is anyone in a similar situation to me. my ex partner is married with his own children. I thought they had split up but found out after 4 months this wasnt the case when his wife invited a load to people to a surprise birthday party inc me i realised but it was too late and i had fallen preggers although i was on the pill ! We both worked at the same company hence party invite. Is anyone in the same boat as me ?? married partner but not to them ! My babys 14 months now and im so lonely and find the whole situation a nightmare. I also worry she will find out and i feel so bad and guilty if only i had know i would never have seen him. If it comes out ill look like a bitch as well and i really didnt know ! cant talk to any of my friends or all the girls in my baby group as they wouldnt understand there all happily married or with the babys dads. Anyone else feel the same :)

OP posts:

Carmenere · 13/03/2006 17:46

I'm interested to know what your work friends think you should do? They must know him, do they think it is ok for you and your child to be sidelined?

HappyMumof2 · 13/03/2006 17:49

I'm sorry, but you are blatently just hanging on in there waiting for him to finish with his wife. Do you really want her left overs? Do you want to be second best? an after thought? If he wanted to be with you he would have been with you from the beginning.

Do your self a favour and take him for all you can get & get him out of your life. You deserve so much better. As does your son.

Original poster

Elz · 13/03/2006 17:53

I agree. i know how stupid i sound as well. It seems that since becoming pregnant ive become a week person. i would never have let a man treat me the way he has before thats for sure. your right i need to make a clean break but if i claim or he sees him it wont be so any way. thanks once again maybe ill have the guts and suddenly wake up and do something :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Elz · 13/03/2006 17:54

no they all said from the beggining take him for everything ... im just not like that

OP posts:

Carmenere · 13/03/2006 17:55

Girl it's time you found your backbone! And remember mumsnet is here if you want to rant!

HappyMumof2 · 13/03/2006 17:57

if you don't want to make a claim then don't. All I'm saying is you are making it too easy for him. If he wants to see his child, he should be contributing to him financially. If he doesn't want to do this, he doesn't see the child.

Blandmum · 13/03/2006 17:58

And to be blund, do you really want a man who you know lies to his wife?

If he does leave her, could you be secure with him, or would you worry that he would do the same thing to you that he did to her?

I agree with others on this thread, you deserve better, and so does your child

Original poster

Elz · 13/03/2006 18:02

Thanks guys i do feel better. i need to grow up and get some strength i think ! Its funny i always felt older than my 27 yrs but now i guess i feel them if not younger and sillier :)

OP posts:

Uwila · 13/03/2006 22:27

Elz, hope you are hanging in there and we weren't too hard on you. Come back here for support when you need it. BUt, also, stand tall and get what you deserve. You didn't make this baby alone, and I'm frankly amazed that you've been strong enough to get this far on your own. This man must live in fear of the day you wake up and take him on.... I hope that day is soon (for your sake).

nightowl · 14/03/2006 04:45

im afraid im going to disagree with everyone here as my dd was concieved in very strange circumstances. im not going to go into detail apart from to say i did not know my tosser ex was practically living with two women, both pregnant.

and when he buggered off, left me pg and i found out he was with the other one i rang her, because i thought she had a right to know what a lying b***d he was. i also didnt want my child to be swept under the carpet. i wrote to his parents later on and asked if they would like to see their granddaughter. i took him to the csa too.

but what did any of this achieve? nothing. absolutely nothing. all it did was upset his partner who believed him when he said i was a one night stand, stayed with him anyway and told me to get stuffed. his parents also dont want to know. (i dont know what he has told them). as far as the csa are concerned, well that's a big joke. his partner protects him and tells them he doesnt live there. she wont let him speak to me and he has never seen his child.

i did everything you are all telling elz to do and it caused us nothing but heartache and made me look bad. so please, dont be so hard on her

arfissimo · 14/03/2006 05:15

I think Elz that your ex probably can't believe his luck. He will know exactly how much you could claim from him and probably spent months sweating buckets that you were going to claim. Of course he doesn't want to hand over that much of his income.

For a man, he found himself in the worst possible situation - affair and pregnant mistress. But he's got away with it. Completely. Has he learned a lesson from this?

Yes, you can behave like a git to everybody in your life and get away with it scott-free.

Why should he? Why on earth should you be alone, with his child with no emotional or financial support? You did nothing wrong, he did. And continues to do. How cruel to not be involved with your son. This is his son fgs!

He's thinking about himself and his wallet, not you or your child together.

I think you should approach him and really ask him how he feels not being involved with his son. How he will feel in 20 years time that he has a child he hasn't see grow up? I think your son deserves some financial support and contact with his dad. How will you feel if he turns round at 18 and tries to find him? How will your ex-partners family feel then with a secret that's gone on for 18 years?

By all means don't go stampeding in like a deranged woman, but I think you do need to change the status quo - because soon your son will be old enough to ask questions about daddy.

Steppy1 · 14/03/2006 06:08

..do you really think that the ex partner can't really believe his luck....or do you think that he's absolutely sg himself waiting for when everything comes out... which it is likely too whether it's soon...or in the future. Do what you think is right ELZ, I admire your integrity in thinking of how his wife might feel if everything came out,( whatever her age !)...and your independence and brave decision to go it alone. I am inclined to say bollocks to him (woops it just slipped out !!!) you deserve so much better.. and maybe your son deserves better too, though of course this man is his father. What are your hopes for the future ? Do you want to meet somebody else and have a male role model for your son, do you want your son to have brothers and sisters......have you got practical support for when you need some time to yourself (an occasional night out ?) Maybe it's time to focus on yours and your sons future and not what's happened. Good luck to you both... you deserve it...and sound as if you'll need it !!!!!

PS If I was his wife and found out through a letter or other means I would probably kill you and him............ just a "light hearted" thought .... though I would be sympathetic towards your son.......

bluejelly · 14/03/2006 08:13

I'm afraid I agree with nightowl. There's a lot to be said for doing it on your own. Okay so morally the father should take responsibility, but practically life will probably be a lot easier and more straightforward, just you and your boy.
You are young, you will meet someone else, things will get easier. And if you get involved with a new man you might find it easier not to have a whole ex family being involved...

Just my opinion anyhow, good luck with whatever you decide to do xx

getbakainyourjimjams · 14/03/2006 08:54

I agree with nightowl and bluejelly. if financially you can do it one your own, then do, but move on and don't see him at all. Not sure about how to tell your son about his father when he starts asking- although I tend to believe in honesty with children (even if simplified, and made a bit nicer). You won't force him to be a father if he doesn't want to be and it might be worse for your son seeing this uninterested figure once every motnh rather than not at all.

getbakainyourjimjams · 14/03/2006 08:56

oh should have said- by doing it on your own then you avoid the whole control issues. He can't play silly buggers and mess you around and try to control you (big boss man prob used to getting his own way).

FioFio · 14/03/2006 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

blueshoes · 14/03/2006 09:20

Hi Elz, sympathies for the position you find yourself in. You are young, you've got a lot going for you. Please think of moving on. I know this may be furthest from your mind, but it is only a matter of time before you meet someone else who is not a "tosser", a genuinely decent person who will appreciate your rocksolid integrity and concern for others and of course, your ds.

If I were you, I am tempted to ask for money for your ds simply because I want your ex partner to SWEAT. Just a simple request, no threats to expose him. Let him read the subtext. A lump sum is better than regular maintenance. Think Liz Hurley/Steve Bing.

How far you want to push this depends on whether you are prepared to let him see ds as the quid-pro-quo. There are benefits to a clean break. Then again, you might want to maintain some kind of connection and a couple of figures leaving his bank account is a good way to remind him of his responsibilities.

I agree with bakajimjams that what you tell your ds should be simple and honest - when he is ready to understand. I find this cloak and dagger very hard for you. You are a thoroughly decent person who deserves so much more.

Uwila · 14/03/2006 09:35

I didn't mean to suggest that you should try to force this guy to be a part of your sons life. I just think you should approach him and ask for support. And if he doesn't give it willingly then I think you should consider action through CSA (or a lawyer).

The lump sum settlement is a good idea. Or an arrangement for monthly payments would be acceptable. If he refuses, you can always force him to take a paternity test and send the results to his wife.

shimmy21 · 14/03/2006 10:09

In 10 or 15 years time your ds will knock on his father's door and say 'hello dad'. His father's wife is going to have to deal with the fact when it happens because it will. Your ds has a right to make contact and open that can of worms when he is old enough.

Ask yourself is it better for you and most importantly for your ds (financially and emotionally) that it comes out into the open now or in 20 years time.

Think of your ds and only your ds in this.

Original poster

Elz · 14/03/2006 10:11

Thankyou everyone for your comments. Didnt sleep much and still as confused as ever but thankyou for all taking the time to reply :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Elz · 14/03/2006 10:20

His name is on the birth certificate. i made him come with me and do that to safe guard my sons future.
I really should have stayed clear he has been married twice has 3 children with 2 wives and 2 grandchildren and his daughter is only 3 yrs younger than me ! god i feel stupid !

OP posts:

Uwila · 14/03/2006 10:29

Quite the contrary, Elz. It was very smart of you to get his name on the birth certificate. Well done.

blueshoes · 14/03/2006 10:33

Agree with Uwila. Well done on the birth cert, ELz. This means your son will definitely know who his biological father is at some point and might blow this whole thing out in the open at that point, however much you try to protect your exP's current family.

bluejelly · 14/03/2006 11:36

Elz you are not stupid, he is stupid!

nightowl · 15/03/2006 04:24

elz stop putting yourself down. you didnt know. people can tell very convincing lies sometimes.

Flip

1 2 3 4