Need Hand Holding - have stood up to ex and it's all kicking off

[SidelinedMum]

I've posted before about the fact that I have been far too passive in relation to my exH dominance of DD's (she's 11) care/arrangements, and that at times DD has suffered because I've not been prepared to stand up to him. DD has been 50:50 for the last three years - one week with each of us - but I have frequently agreed to changes and additional time with him to accommodate things he has planned, which of course, have not been reciprocated.

DD is due to spend next week with her Dad, and she told me a couple of days ago that he has texted her and changed the place she was to go (I will be dropping her) because he is moving house that day. He's not mentioned anything to me directly about the fact that he's bought a house or is planning to move but she's been wound up and stressed about it for months (the hormonal pre-teen sobbing, life-is-over kind of stressed). When I asked him about it months ago when DD first mentioned it, he told me that it wasn't true and they weren't moving, just looking at options, and if they did buy anything he's tell me - but he hasn't.

via DD, I found out that Ex bought renovation project back in May, and DD has been spending a lot of time there in the last few months (which she has hated as it's an empty shell and there is nothing to do) while her Dad does it up.

While DD has been here for the last two weeks, ex has boxed up all her things at the old house which will be waiting for her at the new one when she arrives, and he expects her to unpack her boxes while he and a friend with a van go backwards and forwards moving all the furniture etc. He has vaguely said that there will be other "adults" to supervise her doing this - I'm assuming he means DGP's, DSmum and various other extended family, but I've no idea, really.

Having talked it through with DD, I sent ex an email, saying that DD would be better off here for a few hours until the chaos of furniture moving was over, and that I'd drop her off to his new address later in the day. It works out that she would arrive with him 8 hours later than we originally agreed back in April.

He's really pissed off and has gone loopy - threatening to turn up and collect her for his time, ranting about how upset and disappointed he is with me (again), and telling me that he has frequently had concerns about my plans when DD has been in my care but that he has not acted on them and how dare I change the arrangements that have been in place for months. He has made no acknowledgement of the fact that when we put those plans in place neither DD or I knew about the move, and it might have been a good idea to change the plans to accommodate DD's needs once he knew when he was going to be moving in.

I feel really strongly about this - he has done nothing to support her through this, which is only two weeks before she starts a new school, and seems totally oblivious to her feelings - saying that 1000's of children cope and many enjoy the experience every year.

What has surprised me is how extreme his reaction is over the few hours DD will be with me, and how wobbly I am about putting my foot down - it highlights just how passive I have been for so long that I'm worried about "withholding" a few hours from him when there is no benefit to DD being at his house, and she won't even be with him.

I bit my tongue earlier in the summer holidays when he took DD to his DParents's house 100 miles away to spend the week because he couldn't get the week off work - she sees them several times a month and has been abroad with them for two weeks this year so it wasn't as if it was a special holiday for her or anything, just his convenience. If he'd asked, she could have spent the days here with me while he was at work, so she had time with him in the evenings/overnight.

Now he's demanding that she leaves my house on his moving day as early as possible even though he's not around to spend the time with her. It all seems to indicate that he cares more about reducing her time with me than actually what is best for her.

Well done OP. For what it's worth, I don't think you needed to post on here. I think you made the right decision so just go with it, you don't need our approval.

rhubarb thank you! I am seeking approval, aren't I - which seems bonkers really, given how assertive and confident I am in all other aspects of my life.
It scares me how passive I have been up until now - how distressed DD has been, how I have accommodated exH dominance and even been embarrassed when I've had to deal with the consequences of being excluded some aspects of DD's life (dentist, new schools etc).

I did go and see a solicitor - she said that when DD is strong enough to tell a CAFCASS officer what she wants then I should apply for a residency order.
I tried to arrange mediation - but that is difficult, because we have already been blacklisted by one local company due to my ex's allegations of bias, and ex is considered un-mediable by several mediators.

I dont think 50/50 is working and I think - having experience of family court, that at 11, DD is old enough to be "heard", does she want 50/50?? If not I'd head to court, and I rarely say that.

allthetime DD wants things to be what she thinks is fair - she doesn't understand why her Dad can't accept what she says when she asks to do something that involves spending more time with me, and she wants that to change, so that the time she is with him is enjoyable.

She recognises that he is emotionally dependent on her; for instance, she says that she doesn't have pre-teen hormonal strops at his house like she does with me because "he'd be upset with her and he'd end up in a heap on the floor" (her words, not mine).

Of course, she wants things to change here as well; she doesn't want to have to do chores, for instance, and ex frequently uses that as an example of something that he strongly disagrees with but can;t do anything about - he has even contacted the NSPCC about it, and told me he had, in an attempt to get me to change my mind.

the solicitor encouraged me to do as RedHelen suggests, empower her to stand up for herself, and if she says that she wants a change to the arrangements that he refuses, then go to court. Getting to that point is really, really hard though

changing, I should imagine her dd is too frightened of upsetting her father. This is the first step, if her dd sees that she has her mother's support and her father eventually has to accept his daughter's wishes then perhaps she will assert herself more in the future.

Actually, I think it is your job to intervene on your daughter's behalf. It seems like she's quite vunerable and it's understandable that she does not want to upset her father. Until she is strong enough to stick up for what she wants, it is up to you to do it. Stick to your guns on this, she's lucky to have someone who puts her feelings first.

We haven't come to an agreement - I am fully expecting him to hammer on the door in the next 15 minutes

Hope you're both ok, remember you are not being unreasonable here.

Thank you!

Not only did he not turn up, but DD has told me that she is going to ask her Dad if she can spend a day with me next week at a Charity Event that I'm involved with as she wants to help with our stall She said she's worried about his reaction, but she wants to do it, so she's going to ask
I don't know if he'll say yes or no, and ive explained to her that he might already have plans - to be honest, that doesn't matter - I'm so pleased that she's developing the confidence to put herself first

Agree with Louder, it certainly is your job to intervene on behalf of your DD. that's what parents do.

I can't understand anyone disagreeing with your actions considering your poor DD had such a traumatic time when her father left.
If your DD doesn't want to be there while he is moving then her wishes HAVE to be considered first.

If your ex says anything else about you insisting plans are changed, I would just say something along the lines of "you know she needed counselling last time you moved. I am not going to force her to be there when you move again." just repeat until he gets bored.

You've won a significant victory. He didn't do anything and your dd can see that his threats are empty. If he doesn't change his tune he will lose the respect of his daughter. One great thing though is that by standing up to him she will learn to stand up for herself in general which is a great attribute to have in life.

I'm glad it worked out for you today, hopefully this will give both you and DD some confidence for future issues. The more you see that making a stand makes a difference, the easier it will get

Late reading your thread - but glad standing up for you and your DD worked! My ex can be very controlling, and what works best from me is being politely assertive. Like all bullies, he backs down if he realises you can't be walked all over. Be very calm and clear about what's best for your DD in future (and repetitive if necessary).

Your DD is now old enough for the pair of you to be able to tell this man to go fuck himself. You can sit back and let him waste his money on court orders; you have loads of evidence of his stupid behaviour having caused her harm and distress, and of his being thoroughly abusive to both of you.
Keep on standing up to him, make contact dependent on him not being an arse and amass all the evidence in case he does go to court. Remember if he turns up and starts performing on the doorstep, the police will come as soon as you call and remove him.

What a star she is . She text'd me this evening to say that there 'hadn't been the right time' for her to ask her Dad about the charity event tomorrow, and would I ask him for her?!

She couldn't talk to me on the phone, so I suggested via txt that she say to her Dad that she'd like to speak to him alone for 5 minutes before they went out, as there was something she had been trying to ask him all day.

She managed to do it . I'm so proud of her . She can't come along tomorrow with me because there is a birthday celebration in her SMums family, but it doesn't matter I'm the proudest mum in the world that she was prepared to ask him even though she was finding it difficult.

Im sure they seeing me stick to my principles and realising that her Dad won't do anything dreadful if I disagree with him has helped.

Spot on Sidelined - just what she needs to be doing and as often is the case, not as dreadful as the anticipation. Hopefully her new found confidence will extend so she no longer needs you as the middleman.

nothing to add but virtual hug and a back slap to you for manning up to him - read your backstory and ex sounds like a controlling , bullying nightmare - these types usually cave when someone actually stands up to them; quietly, as they love a good rant - sorry you and your dd have to cope with this - don't let it take over your time together or the arse wins wonder how many men or women hating hating women post here - some reactions to posts really odd to me - I just wanted to say go girl.