bumped into ex- the father of my baby!!! Yikes

[lolo99]

What a day....I was shopping for lunch yesterday and literally bumped into the father of my baby (14 weeks pregnant) in the aisles. I haven't seen nor heard from him in nearly 8 weeks. He was so mortified to see me. After looking at my tummy and saying how is it- he then proceeded to tell me he was going away forever- 'what dying?' I replied (in a semi-joke tone)-no abroad. He told me to terminate when we found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks because we didn't know each other very well and it was ridiculous that I should think of having it. (we had been seeing each other for 6 months) So after lots of tears and deliberating and counselling etc I decided I didn't want to. (I'm late 30s and had a regrettable termination during a long term relationship 3 years ago). I am happy having this baby but am still rather sad he won't even think about trying to be a dad :( He said I have ruined his life and then went on to ask how my dating was going. I suggested that we don't talk about stuff like that as I didn't wish to know. I could see the things in his trolley were for a date that night (dessert for two, lots of wine, blah blah). What a mess :( I am fine not being with him (he said he would hate and resent me) but bit sad that aged 28 nearly he can't take the responsibility especially after not growing up with a father himself and being damaged by that.

No advice but just wanted to say urrgggghhh what a £&@*

Will never understand some people!

Hope your ok xxx

some men are feckless wonders imo. Ds1 father was exactly the same. You just have to look on the positive side, you get the whole bed to yourself, you don't have to share dc with anyone else, you get the final say in all major decisions. I think if some men aren't able take responsibility for their dc, then the least they can do is be financially responsible, but if he is moving abroad is this unlikely as well?

He sounds lovely! Is he late 30s too? because he sounds about 15.

One thing I will say, sometimes men don't understand the depth and consequence of parenthood until a real human being is put in front of them, especially if it's their first time. It might be worth not writing him off completely until he's rejected a baby he can see.

That made me laugh what you said alot!!!! Even so my baby even started kicking.

It sounds you made the best choice ever. I dont think he seems bothered hes maybe putting a meal for 2 in there because hes a complete loser!!!

Big hugs!!!! If i saw my ex in the supermarket id turn red and a ram the trolly up his arse!!!!

Eek! So glad I never bumped into my beautiful DD's father in the same circumstances. He sounds quite the charmer.

I did the same as you, went ahead with my pregnancy in my mid 30s and now am the proud mother of an amazing, utterly wonderful 16mo. She is perfect and I am so blessed to have her in my life. I am pleased I don't have to mess around with trying to co parent with an uncooperative father. This week she's walked her first steps and started blowing kisses and I pity that her father who was invited to play a part, has missed it. He'll never get this time back should he regret his choices.

You go ahead and feel sorry for the fool who can't summon the courage to commit. You won't regret a moment. xxx

thank you everyone for your supportive comments- made me chuckle too-really made my evening x

The more I think about the whole interaction yesterday, the more I think 'what a sad, pathetic 27 year old boy'. I know for a fact he leads quite a lonely life really so it's his loss and my gain :) I can't imagine he will be able to block it out of his little mind forever but I think I will be much happier without seeing him and co-parenting with a man-child. Thanks everyone so much xx

Sounds much like my ex. But once the baby was in front of him it all changed. He can't get enough of her now. So watch out! It could all change....

Big hugs lolo, do you want to come and join our ongoing thread, facing pregnancy alone? It's a great place to vent anger and be emotional too

My situation was very similar to yours lolo. But the father of my baby was 21 (and I was 28) - he had lied about his age - another story. Anyway, his excuses were that he was 'too young' and a baby would ruin his life (he decided to be honest once he knew I was pregnant!). He's about 26 now and has not changed at all - he still lives a very childish existence. It's not to do with the age of the man - it is to do with the man's personality. And some men never change. Luckily for us my dd's bio dad lives abroad. As far as I'm concerned he has nothing to do with her. She may have his DNA but that's it.

My DD father is 38 and he is like the young ones on here. Difference with mine was that we tried for 2 years to have a child, once she was 2 he buggered off and hasn't seen or spoken to her for about a year. I have no regrets, and i'm glad that my DD isn't put through the turmoil of having to live in 2 different homes! His loss, your gain (apart from having no one to take over, single parenting can be much easier, your rules your way, and you only have 1 child to look after not 2 ;o) )

My ex was 45, some just never grow up. His loss but also his family's too. A pity his mother won't know her grandchild.

Are you in contact with the manchild's family?

"Ruined his life"...sheesh. I am both ROFLing and LMAOing. Oh, and PMSLing a little bit too (post baby pelvic floor, dontcha know).

Believe me, any capacity this man has to upset you will gradually fade. (although, I have to say, I did see DS's father for the first time in a year the other day. He didn't see me- because I was cringing in the car and hid my face- and he certainly didn't recognise his 2 year old son, who was asleep in the back seat. And I was shaking like a leaf).

Better to have no father in the picture than one who wavers in and out, IMO.

Good luck with your baby- it will be amazing!

thank you. your supportive comments help so much :) It's empowering. queenof thepirates- no contact with manchild's family (love that phrase and from now on that is how I will refer to him ) He is Indian (born and bred in Manchester and now living in west london near me) and conveniently, as soon as I was pregs, he became indian moreso and religious. I will bring shame on his family blah blah rubbish. He hadn't even told his mum (who he apparently talks to everyday and brought him up alone) that he was seeing me. Bizarre. She is aware he dates white girls and has met a few of them I believe. I wanted to spout well you weren't very religious when you drink like a fish and dabble in cocaine etc'. Anyways- manchild will suffer I am sure and I know I will love and cherish my little one. Hope so much he/she comes out safely and ok.

Woooow.... He sounds exactly like my ex, who also moved abroad!!! Down to the stupid "dating" comment! One day (I
Hope) idiots like this will wake up & kick themselves. Although by then it will be too late.

Congrats on your pregnancy, you have some amazing things to come!

Twunt is a good one! And my folks call my ex king herrod!

I'm quite sure your baby will come out fine. He or she is obviously much wanted and will be loved by you and that's about 90% of the battle. It's early days but keep coming back for hand holding, metaphorical back rubs and any help you need on this wonderful journey xxx

Seems like a common line "moving abroad"! DS's father told me he was going to move to Sweden... But he still lives at home with his mum and he's 31!!

I hope I can bring my son up to not be such a feckless idiot as these guys.

Mine did move abroad; thank goodness! i'm so glad now.

How are you today lolo?

hello everyone and once again thank you or your support- it really helps. Pickles- am fine today...have been really since I decided I was going ahead with this and in fact it is a lot easier mentally when I don't even think of man-child. Bit gutted I bumped into him really as it brought him back into my thoughts.

I can't imagine him moving abroad 'forever'. He's an only child and am sure his mum would be a little against that. What I do know about him in the little time I have known him- he can't cope with 'life's hiccups' and when they happen he is prone to extreme responses (I am moving abroad forever) quite hilarious and will also run to his mummy. In the early days that I found out I was pregnant- before we had even spoken about what to do and I was still deciding on the best thing for me and baby- he wanted me to talk to his mum on the phone (I haven't ever met her). I refused citing I was 37 years old and hadn't spoken to him so wasn't about to discuss it all with his mum. Apparently she wanted to tell me 'how hard it would be as a single woman - patronising or what, how it would affect his family and their reputation _what the hell- and how there was eye problems in her family-clearly to put me off. So to this day I have had no contact and I do wonder if they are upset that he won't be a part of it or are actually advising him to disappear.

Oh bloomin eh, she sounds like my ex in laws!

Hi I have taken a break from the site but back now, with 6 weeks to go and going through a strange sort of crisis again! I was Ok a while back but I think it is hitting me now that he doesn't give a shit and he wont be at the birth...and he wont even send a text to wish me good luck for giving birth to his daughter (that he doesn't want anyway). Just wanted to say it does give me strength to read about how people say it is all worth it at the end and I know it will be...just having a wobble today as I found out he has just moved his gf of a few months into his flat...the one that I decorated. And I have seen pictures of her walking his dog...the one that I puppy trained and named. Nice to know all this is happening while I have been sent to coventry to have my baby which he hasn't told his family about...oh and this guy is 36 years old and has a high up job in the mental health field!!! Sorry to bring a downer on the thread, just not a good day at all. Can't wait to see my little bundle of joy and finally realise that he is the one losing out!

angelelle sorry to hear about your arse of an ex. Men are seriously the weaker sex (most of them :) You will be great on your own, I am sure. You sound strong. What woman (his current) in their right mind would have respect for a guy who wants nothing to do with his child. I for sure would not like that at all in a guy. if he hasn't told her, it will come out one day. I am reasonably certain that the 'manchild' will have this on his mind for the rest of his life. Imagine that.

It's not like he asked you to have a baby with I'm, and changed his mind. If some bloke I'd been shagging said to me "hi darling, in eight months I'm going to adopt a newborn and you are going to be legally and financially responsible for it for the next eighteen years!" ... Well, I'd probably leave the country too. Parenthood should be a joint decision.