bumped into ex- the father of my baby!!! Yikes

[lolo99]

What a day....I was shopping for lunch yesterday and literally bumped into the father of my baby (14 weeks pregnant) in the aisles. I haven't seen nor heard from him in nearly 8 weeks. He was so mortified to see me. After looking at my tummy and saying how is it- he then proceeded to tell me he was going away forever- 'what dying?' I replied (in a semi-joke tone)-no abroad. He told me to terminate when we found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks because we didn't know each other very well and it was ridiculous that I should think of having it. (we had been seeing each other for 6 months) So after lots of tears and deliberating and counselling etc I decided I didn't want to. (I'm late 30s and had a regrettable termination during a long term relationship 3 years ago). I am happy having this baby but am still rather sad he won't even think about trying to be a dad :( He said I have ruined his life and then went on to ask how my dating was going. I suggested that we don't talk about stuff like that as I didn't wish to know. I could see the things in his trolley were for a date that night (dessert for two, lots of wine, blah blah). What a mess :( I am fine not being with him (he said he would hate and resent me) but bit sad that aged 28 nearly he can't take the responsibility especially after not growing up with a father himself and being damaged by that.

colditz without sounding blunt, your comment is a little naive. Some people on here are I am sure intelligent beings and thus know that in an ideal world 'everything should be done properly, joint all of that'. In many people's lives for whatever reason, the reality may be different and also very upsetting for some. YOur comment is not that helpful to this particular thread and I am not sure what help it gives those finding themselves in the alone position and deciding to go ahead.

Without knowing me, how on earth culd you assume that my comment springs from naivity, and not from the direct experience of the consequences of having a baby with someone who isn't interested in having a baby?

Parenthood is a joint decision. He could have made the decision to put his cock away. But he didn't, and he isn't man enough to step up to the consequences.

And what help it might give people who find themselves in the position of being pregnant to a man who doesn't want to have a baby with you ..... Is that you should drop any expectation that he will change s mind, and that he will gaze upon the baby and suddenly be thrilled.

If you're going to continue with a pregnancy alone, you really do have to accept that you really are the only person who cares about that baby, you are the only one they have, so write the sperm donor off.

Exactly, captain, he isn't man enough to step up to the consequences, and unfortunately the law allows him to just fuck it off.

yes agreed :) The part that is tricky is the chasing CSA or not. Lots of men choose to walk away and thus could say also they shouldn't have to pay. I am still uncertain as to whether to go for CSA or not.

how will his life be ruined!! he's going abroad and every single sacrifice for parenthood will be his. If you bump in to him again just say 'seeeeeYA'.

tbh, i think you've been spared unnecessary pain and drama, although everybody wants better in a perfect world. my children's father is no better but we broke up after i had two kids (his, but not that you'd know it he was so childcare-shy and so mean with money etc) I think you're better off knowing what calibre ofhuman being he is before the baby is born.

thank you Olympia. I think you are right. At least if he is gone now -shirking the possibility of being a father for nights out drinking and women still, I am better knowing from the start and it might be easier mentally than him disapppearing afterwards or not turning up for visits etc etc that I know become a nigtmare for many single mums out there.

not sure why but I woke up this morning and decided i would email the manchild and communicate how I felt that 'our child' whether he wanted it or not (which he didn't) is not to blame for this conception and I would like him to be involved with him/her and help make the important decisions in its life. It was a longer email than that but that was the essence. I am not expecting a mature response, if any at all but at least I know I have expressed my wish for him to stop his immature running away.

phew.....as I approach 20 weeks it is just sinking in that I will be doing this alone. That includes the birth possibly. (no close family :( ....might look into a Doula but scared of the rumours that it is about £1000 - a no go for me at that price.

GOod luck. I think you were right to send him the email as long as it was calm and reasonable; now you can go ahead knowing that you made a fair attempt to allow him to be involved and if he chooses not to be, that's his problem.

If he replies, keep a copy of the reply, particularly if it's nasty - for one thing, an email from him which makes it clear that he acknowledges his sperm contributed to this baby is something you could pass to the CSA if you chose to go that route. For another thing, if he turns up in two or three years' time making unreasonable demands for instant overnight access, you will have the email to indicate that he was the one who refused to be involved.

thank you solidgoldbrass. This forum really helps me through sometimes x

Just wanted to post about my experience and give a bit of support. He was a fair but younger than me, didn't speak to me until my pregnancy was viable, think he thought I might have changed my mind if he ignored me as obviously I only wanted to continue the pregnancy to keep him . He could have been involved but chose not to be. Glad you have made it clear he has a choice.

Anyways, 19 years later, DC is leaving me to study a very prestigious course at a top uni next week, which will lead to a dream career. I wouldn't have changed anything for the world and the bio dad has only been a spectator. Good luck. A baby is always a joy no matter the number of parents.

bluepencil- I too have pondered and asked the 'ethical' side of chasing for CS payments but I am currently in the mindset that...well we both knew the risks and 'tough'. It happened so we both have to be adults and deal with it. I am currently 'for' going for payment (not that it is going to dent what I need etc') but I just don't agree with him running away just because 'he can'. I respect that other women, like you, disagree and won't be doing that. I have sought my closest friends opinions (incl my dad lol) and the concenus was- it's for the child so....that is it. I might change my mind nearer the time. Who knows :)

congrats Tressy- I truly hope i end up with a success story like you x

I can see Bluepencil's point of view and did think this way at the beginning. However, when he and his wider family wanted to know, a while after the birth, I welcomed it and asked for small token, just to feel normal. It's what you do with the money that can make a difference. I put it away and paid for skiing holidays and extra's for DC.

I also wanted it to be in the open, so he didn't have any worries about admitting paternity (bad days of the CSA, although I worked full-time). Tbh he never did step up to the mark but I don't regret getting the small amount of CS. It can be comforting to your DC later on to know that their bio dad had to step up even in a small way.

lolo99, it will be, trust me :)