Dad trying to get access

[StarGazer4312]

Not sure if this is the right category in which to post this thread so apologies in advance if im breaking any rules.

Just wondering if anybody could offer any advice.

I guess i should start off by clarifying that I am a dad and not a mum. Myself and my partner split when our son was only 3 months old, and she has denied me access to him for the last 7 weeks and will not even send me a photo. I'd like to state that I have done nothing wrong. I wasnt abusive to her and never mistreated her. We simply wern't getting on. However she is from a weathly backround, and i am not. Her family have always looked down on me and dont think im good enough for her or my son. I have a steady job and have never been in trouble with the police, never even had so much as a parking ticket. Everything is now going through solicitors, but she has offered me only 2 supervised visits a week. supervised by her mum, who has never liked me. Her mum is an intimidating and provoking person. Im afraid that if i accept supervised access by her mum, is it her mum who would ultimately have the deciding vote on if im 'capable' or 'safe' to be around my own child with unsupervised contact?? My ex has accused me of being an alcoholic and a drug abuser, which are completely unfounded claims. I do not drink and do not use drugs. Preferably i'd like to have this dealt with by a court who can give a structured plan, and if they decide i needed supervised access, at least it will be by an unbiased third party, who will no doubt see that i am no danger to my son in a very short period of time. However if i go through a contact centre, i will only be able to see my son every other saturday, instead of twice a week. twice a week is obviously a better start, but it will be supervised by someone who has no intention of letting me be alone with my son, and will no doubt lie to make me seem a bad person. The lies the family are capable of, and the way they have treated me, would shock and sicken any normal human being.

Can anybody offer any advice on this and how supervised contact would work, if it was supervised by a family member of hers? would there also be a social worker of some sort overlooking everything?

Continue working with your solicitor to get unsupervised access, but meanwhile take your ex up on her offer for supervised access with her mum. The more you show you are willing to work with them, the more it will look better if it ends up going to court.

Social work shouldn't be involved unless either of you have indicated a concern.

ok maybe not a social worker per se, but someone who is unbiased to both parties? I have a mediation appointment tomorrow, and genuinely wish we could come to an agreement. but feel i will be wasting my time. My ex has no intention of leaving me alone with him. My only worry is if i take her up on her offer for supervised access with her mum, her mum will set out to destroy me. as i said her mum is a provoking and intimidating person, and if its down to her own descision, ill be taking a step backwards and progressing nowhere.

and yeah she has indicated a concern, she has accused me of drug and alcohol abuse, for which i would be willing to do a hair,blood,urine test now. its completely untrue

to be blunt if you want to see your child you will do supervised access for now as that is the only offer on the table. It will show that you are willing to be involved etc if her mum provokes you just don't react. Its not about your rights, its about the rights of your child. what sort of access are you wanting? your child sounds very young and a prolonged period away from his primary carer (his mum) would probably not be best right now, my solicitor advised little and often but my ex couldn't be bothered with that so he has our 3 year old once a week for a few hours. She was 4 months when he did a runner!

I have no issue with supervised access for now to prove im no danger and to show she is a liar. my only concern is who will be supervising. Thats why i was asking how it worked. would it be overseen by someone else aswell or would it literally be myself and her mum? of course i would prefer the supervised access for now as it will mean more regular contact with him. However i also feel if her mum was supervising i'd be taking a step backwards, and in the long run achieving my goal of joint custody would come quicker by doing it thru a contact centre.i intend to fight this all the way and wont stop until i have joint custody.

and i'd just like to clarify, she did the runner not me

I wouldn't do it supervised with her mum, not if she will be provocative and rude to you. I'd wait for a contact centre. The reality is that it would be best to be little and often but they can prevent that by being obstructive.

I urge you to only communicate by email as you need a paper trail. Also if you go and they refuse to let you in use your phone to record that they are refusing you. You are unlikely to get much consistent contact until your child is old enough to be away from it's primary carer. Maybe you could keep offering to meet in neutral venues like a park on weekends - again, making sure you keep offering my email.

Never, under any circumstances write or text anything that could be interpreted as aggressive - I'm sure you won't but it sounds like if they have all the money and are wanting to be obstructive they will be.

And make sure your child support is up to date.

I applied to the CSA myself to start making payments, and while i was waiting for the claim to be set up, she refused to accept the £300 i had already spent in a month on milk, nappies, clothes etc as backpayment for the 3 weeks. even thought i told the CSA i have the receipts to prove it. she's happy enough to take my money, but cant even send me a photo.

of course i wouldnt be threatening in any way, but will take ur advice on recording things on my phone if they become obstructive. just a shame it has come to this when all i want it is to be there for my son.

so just to clarify, if i accepted supervised contact with her mum, it would just be myself, my son and her mum? and her mum would be the one reporting back on me, and would decide if im 'fit' or not??

She doesn't get to decide anything - there is no one to report to!

She is not, in any way, impartial.

What does your solicitor advise regarding accepting your ex's offer?

It depends on the approach your solicitor is taking as to whether s/he will recommend you enter into an informal arrangement involving supervised contact or not.

It is obviously best for your DS if you do; he has a right to a relationship with you, and if you refuse to spend time with him when that opportunity is available, then it could be said that you are denying him that. It is up to your solicitor to make the case that it is better for your son in the long term for him to be temporarily denied the right to spend any time with you for a short while, until the issues are resolved.

I agree that he should try to see the child as much as he can - doesn't sound like they are offering it genuinely though. He hasn't done anything wrong so 'supervising' is the wrong thing here unless done by a contact centre.

Definitely keep offering to meet neutrally.

My ex had what id call supervised visits (being that he wasnt taking her out by himself). We met at my mums house. He took dd into a room just the two of them. I would go in every now & then to see if dd wanted a drink or something to eat.

Your exes mum shouldnt be the person making the decisions it should be the court. If you want to see your dc take what they are offering at the moment & stick to it, as you are getting a proper contact order in place.

I would accept access with your MIL for the time being.

Given that your baby is so young, you aren't going to get long periods of sole contact at the moment - 3 or 4 short visits of an hour or two a week seems more likely.

Would it really be best for your baby to see you only once a week in a contact centre? I would think frequent visits in a familiar place like his grandmother's house would be good at such a young age.

What would happen if say we agree to 6 weeks of supervised contact first? What happens when the time is up? Surely her mother would need to tell someone how it went before agreein to unsupervised?? As for meeting with my ex, believe me I've tried, I've begged her for even as little as half hour in a local coffee shop 5 minutes from where she lives. But she will have none of it. As for te supervised access, I've already declined it with her mother, but have offered to do it with several other family members of hers, so will see what kind of a response I have from that. I have a mediation appointment in the morning too, so will see what happens there, although I can't see her agreeing to anythin. As painful as it will be, having to subject my son to social workers and contact centres, that may be the only way I can establish an unbiased and progressive relationship with my son. Luckily he's too young to remember any of this, and hopefully the earliest memories he has, will involve his dad being there for him

If you are agreeing access between yourself and your ex, then there is no one for her mother to tell anything to.

What is your aim for contact - what would be your ideal?

If u agree to supervised visits for 6 weeks and you dont have a court order you & your ex would have to come to an agreement about unsupervised contact.

What kind of contact are you looking for?? How many hours/days/overnight stays?

What has your solicitor advised?

I really think that as you fully intend to go to court, you should seek their advice before your mediation session, so that you are aware of the potential impact of the compromises you might be asked to make.

Why are you mediating?

Well my solicitor has advised me to establish contact first of all. Then when that is made to take it further: my ex is never going to agree to me having him on my own. But in order to gain legal aid I have to at least attend mediation. Think there's a 99.99% chance this is going to court anyway. But my ideal is 50/50. I appreciate he may be too young at the moment, but I'm willing to be patient and am prepared to see this thru to the end

First habit you need to get in to - keep a paper trail.

Keep all the important communication where 'parenting' is agreed on paper/email/text.

If she is making allegations against you keep verbal communication to an absolute minimum.

Keep a regular diary you have with your son.

There is no reason why you should be in a contact centre. Also, there is no reason why you should be supervised by MIL - however, I guess you'll have to bite this bullet for the time being.

Keep your rights out of it - you have none. However, you are two equal parents capable of parenting your son - breast feeding notwithstanding.

It is important you form a bond with your son.

It seems you are happy to go along with what your ex and MIL are dictating, but what exactly would you propose in the short term? Forget about 50/50 - that is long way off - focus on the now!

Do not offer to do a hair strand test - you have no reason. Let the court decide that one and let her raise it, and if she does insist she has one also and pays the cost when yours comes back negative.

At the moment she is control - dont allow her to see your frustration - be whiter than white. It will get better court or no court.

StarGazer.

I too was accused of being a drunk and a drug user by my XP. I didn't tend to brush it off as it was unfounded. Just don't rise to it. Keep in mind you are doing the best for your son, remind your self you are in it for the long game, be polite and reasonable at all times and, as mentioned, keep a paper trail including your offers of child care and general willingness to be involved.

If it were me I'd be quite nervous about a hostile ex-MIL overseeing things. I'd either want another more neutral person there as well, or for a different supervisor altogether, absolutely.

I think there is something else you need to consider ( if you haven't already ).

You face the catch 22 situation of child care. You are being denied time to learn how to care for your son one on one, and you may well be accused of subsequently being unable to give proper care.

You need somehow to learn the ropes remotely to a degree. And the more effort you show in learning about parenting and care of an infant the better stead it will stand you in when you apply for more access.

You find many MN'ers to be very helpful.

Are you ok about checking nappies, dealing with accidents / spillage, changing nappies, feeding, burping, daily routines and all the paraphernalia required ?

( Hope your mediation was positive in some way )

I didn't tend to brush it off = I did tend to brush it off

Just left mediation now. She didn't show up and they advised she hasn't been in contact at all with them. I went thru everything with the mediator with 100% honesty from start to finish and told her the whole story. She said there wouldn't be a judge in the world who would stop me from seein him. But she said its going to be a long slow process in building up more and more regular visits. So overall feeling alot happier today.

As for feedin, nappies etc. yeah we lived together for a few months, and was jointly looking after him during that time. So I know what I'm doing with him

Yes, sorry I hope I didn't come across as patronizing.

Kind of good news if she didn't turn up for mediation, it won't reflect well on her to a judge.

It will be a slow process but you'll get there.

The organization Families Need Fathers ( not F4J ) are often recommended on here for good support.

Not turning up isn't a good start on her part - but the mediator is right, it is a long process

Use the time, if you can, to change your mindset about your ultimate goal - 50:50 shared care may be your ideal but you are most likely to achieve it if you can present the reasons why it is best for your DS - and do not assume that the professionals with whom you come into contact will share that view.

If everything you do from now on is presented as in your DS best interests then you will come across far more rational and committed than your ex; it sounds as if she is hurting and using your DS as a way of getting back at you.