WWYD ex being difficult and making threats

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Normally DDs father and I are civil. We have minimum contact and only speak when it involves discussing DD.

Every so often however, he becomes unbearable. Its happening again and I really gave had enough this time.

He has rewritten our entire relationship in his head. He was violent and abusive but now all he seems to recall is that I spent all my time in bed. Apoarently I was the abuser.

The reason he talks about my time in bed is due to the fact he didnt do a single night feed when DD was little. He would even accuse me of lying about.having been up with her because he was a heavy sleeper. So when he got up around 8am, I would give DD to him and go back to bed until around 10am. Is that wrong?

Anyway, with this pregnancy I have been very sore and as I have placenta previa I have been taking things easy. So I havent been getting up at the crack of dawn with DD every day. I get her breakfast and we watch some tv in the mornings. Then I get up and get on.

DD has noticed this ofcourse and has told him "mummy is tired a lot" which he hears as "mummy is a lazy bitch and isnt looking after me". Now he is threatening to go to social services.

I have nothing to hide, but I have had their involvement before and really could do without the stress. Im just really fed up with him threatening me like this.

WWYD? Should I call them myself? Explain the situation and ask them to speak to him?

His partner is overbearing and seems to think she comes before me in DDs life, so I know she will back him up.

What he is doing is abusive and bullying, but they are just as you describe them - threats. let him go to SS, if he does he will just be known as a time waster. I'm sure you know exactly how to care for your DD and do a brilliant job.
My ex used to do this all the time when he didn't feel in control. There's nothing wrong with watching tv or sitting on the sofa! It's a matter of calling his bluff , what a bully doesn't want is you to say "ok then, bring it on".

Ultimately he will make himself look like a in your dd's eyes.
Hope to help.

Thanks. You are right. He has threatened it on and off since we split.

I know social services would understand. She is well taken care of. Shes happy and sociable and when there was involvement before they never had an issue with my parenting.

Its just the unknown I guess. Like I wouldnt know if he had phoned and then they would just show up. I know he would make more ridiculous claims too if they took no action or he felt he wasnt being listened too.

I have always encouraged his involvement with DD because hes good with her and I want her to come to her own conclusion about him. But Im seriously considering taking action against him now as its getting too much to bear.

Please don't worry, I know how easy that is for me to say, but I used to be petrified of my ex, which was just what he wanted. The unknown is what he wants you to be scared of, so you need to make your plans and have some idea of the known.

If you take some action, can you try to do it in a positive way? (for now ). As you say your relationship is usually civil, perhaps when he has gone off the boil a bit, could you discuss with him the negative implications on his relationship with your dd, that threats and undermining your parenting has. I would try something like " I know that you love dd and want her to be happy, and we have so far worked well together towards that, but upsetting me is not conducive to her well being, which should be our priority...... Blah blah,

If he does ring them and they come round ( unlikely), you can be prepared to just be your normal self, but would have to apologise for his behaviour. It will just give you more evidence of his abuse paranoia and bullying for if your reasonable approach doesn't work out.

Fwiw my solicitor told me once that ss get resentful ex partners calling them all the time. Anecdotal.
Is he upset because of your news baby? Do you think.

To be honest he is resentful of anything and everything. He likes to portray this "perfect life" he has with his partner and because I have no desire to put out an appearance to the world he uses that to pick faults.

His partner is extremely patronizing. She seems to think she has a right over DD. IMO even though she has been in DDs life since she was a year old, she doesnt have a right to comment on my parenting. DD is forever saying "X says this. Dont do that because X says thats wrong" etc and its really beginning to piss me off.

I really just want them to stop undermining me and just leave me alone. But they are so unreasonable, theres just no talking to them.

Hmmm, do you think they will leave you alone if you continue the way you are though? I dont mean the way you are is wrong goddess, just is it giving them the ( mistaken) impression that they can pick on you?

Think about all the great things your dd is and how you have enabled her to achieve that, and give yourself credit. How old is she? - just trying to get an idea of how much you have to liaise with him.

Do they have a lot of contact with you and dd?
I think i would make it clear to them how their behaviour/attitude, remarks, interfere with your relationship with your dd and her happiness, keeping options open for improving the situation, which is what you all want. Put it in writing if need be.

Hope my ideas are some help and you are not feeling too bad.

He called a while ago and I explained that if he had any concerns he could come and discuss them but that I felt it would be inappropriate for his partner to be there.

As I thought, he refuses to discuss it without her there, probably because then he doesnt have the back up.

So I suggested I would contact SS myself to get mediation. His immediate reaction was "I invite you to do that." But after a few minutes he started saying it would be opening a can of worms etc etc.

From that response I now think he has no intention of phoning them.

But now I feel like I want to. His bullying has to end. And at some point soneone is going to have to make them see that his partner is overstepping the boundaries.

As for saying if I continue the way I am etc, it really wouldnt matter what I did. He has made it his lifes mission to criticise me.

Oh and DD is 3.6. He takes her two nights a week. So thats 4 face to face meetings.

What you're saying all sounds very reasonable but I have to ask why Social Services were involved before?

Good! He has backed down. As expected, his ss threat was empty. Boring to have to deal with them . But as you know he will try and find something else to complain about. All I can suggest is to try and keep strong, it is not you. As you say he will always criticise you, and probably other people he wants to intimidate.

I don't think ss will be of help with his behaviour toward you though. I would just leave them out of it if it were me. I don't what to suggest about new partner though, sorry. I dont think it's unreasonable of you to not want her party to your discussion, she doesn't have parental responsibility does she?

Or maybe if you had someone to back you up as well, and as a witness, if he want to discuss things in pairs?

Hope someone else will be able to offer you some more advice soon.

"would have to apologise for his behaviour" eh? why would she ahve to apoliogise for his behaviour?

just ignore him

my ex also belive i am abusive to him bla bla bla

honestly, dont get involved with him. dont argue explain or otherwise.

and if he wants to send round SS fine - you have placenta previa, youdoing all you can for D, there is nothing wrong with watching a lot of tv when you cant do other stuff with her safely.

anyway Ss wont do mediation.
you have to pay trained mediators for that. but frankly no mediator can change someone like that.

if SS were called and decided to investigate they would interview you, poke around your house, see if any reports from GP/HV/teachers expressing concern. presumably there are noen so they would go away again ...

SS were involved before due to the DV with him. When I asked him to leave he assaulted me so I called the police. Because DD was there they automatically were informed.

They had concerns with his past, criminal record and drug use etc. He has since turned his life around in all those areas but is still a first class knob.

Oh and theres no concerns at all regarding DD. Shes very rarely ill. She had a glowing report from nursery, is starting preschool in sept. Shes very sociable and well adjusted. She has tantrums (which he calls behavioural issues) but all children do and I know children who are ten times worse.

I think he just gets under my skin because Im feeling guilty that I cant get out and about with her as much as before.

No his partner doesnt have PR. If they got married would she? My partner has sat in on discussions in the past but he is keen to respect her father so he tries to stay out of it. He loves DD but is conscious of not making decisions. He says thats up to her parents.

Thanks for all your advice. I will just have to ignore him.

Do you still see the HV for dd? I take it you are engaged with the MW? Does dd go to nursery? These are the first places a social worker will make enquiries if he did call them. If you are engagwd with all and have no problems you have covered yourself without even trying . Unless the house is a total tip then a home visit with no further action is the worst you could expect. If it was (and this is a v likely situation for me) I'd call his bluff or call them myself but if you want to call them them your HV is a better bet - more accessible- knows you perhaps and first point of contact for as anyway. Hope that made sense

I havent seen the HV for over a year. Is that weird? DD has all her jabs. Had all the assessments etc. The HV was off sick and another one was covering and I got the impression she was snowed under.

She went to nursery up until march. They had no issues at all. She was forever having colds etc when there but she was catching them off the other kids and the GP knew about that. Since shes not been there she hasnt been sick once.

My house isnt spotless but is clean and tidy so I have no worries on that front.

Yes Im attending all appointments with MW. They know about SS involvement previously and sent a referral at my booking to the hospital SW to see if she thought it needed reviewed but I havent heard anything (Im 27 weeks) so I assume they are happy enough?

Should I see the HV anyway, explain whats been happening etc just to cover myself?

If you feel you need reassurance you doing nothing wrong then see hv. Why did dd stop nursery? It would make sense for her to go so you can rest in the day

I cant afford it. It was paid for through student funding but then they reduced my funding and I had to leave the course.

I really wish she could still go. But not so I could rest, purely because shes so sociable. She loved it. Since she stopped thats when the tantrums started.

I think having years of my ex constantly telling me Im crap is getting to me. Even before she was born he was telling me I would be a bad mum. Why is it the negatives that stick with us when the positives dont register?!! The HV was my biggest advocate through SS involvement. Everyone comments on DD and what a credit she is to me. But its that idiot that I listen to.

I will arrange to see the HV. Discuss the tantrums and get her to check height and weight aswell as explain what hes doing. Im sure she will be able to advise me.

Thanks :)

my house is a tip... (think contents of furniture stored in carrier bags and decorating in mid progress...) social services did not comment. (also had involvement due to dv) I think it has to be really bad for them to bother.

write down all the comments that other people make that say she is a credit to you. look at them regularly. my gp told me that the children were always well turned out and a credit to me. I hang onto things like that.

Do you have a partner now? If so how does he view all this?

Feel for you as my xh has been the same. As you say it won't matter what you do or don't do he will be on your back. that's how men like him operate. Take care op x

So she can go to nursery again with vouchers when she is 3?
Hv is a good plan -you sound pretty switched on - it will be ok x

Shes starting her free 15 hours in a preschool in september.

Yes I have a new partner. He tolerates my ex purely to keep things civil for DDs sake. But cant stand him and has to try to not get into an arguement with him.

For example, we have an all day hospital appointment this wed. I asked ex at start of july could he swap days so that DD wouldnt have to sit all day. He said yes. I reminded him a few times since. Never a problem. Said to him again today and he will "get back to me"

Aaaaaaaargh.

The last time SS were involved there was one SW who seemed to be keen to make a big deal of non issues. So I really just dont want their involvement.

Eg, she came in one day and there was a book of DDs on the floor. She asked DD to bring her it. So she did. Then she reported back that DD wasnt getting enough stimulation from me so felt she had to ask a stranger to read to her. WTF?

Another time she arrived early and DD was having her nap. I had Gilmore Girls on. She reported back that DD was subjected to watching "adult programmes"

Honestly it was insane. Luckily my HV was fantastic and fought my corner everytime. I just dont want them involved again. My ex knows this and is obviously using it to control me.

Well he did it. A SW called me today. Ofcourse she didnt say it was him but we know it was.

She seems happy enough, shes going to call the GP and MW and says if there are no issues (which there arent) she will close the case.

Dont really know where to go from here though. I cant go through my life having him phoning them everytime he takes a disliking to something. :(

. The SW sounds a bit odd, by giving the book to her it could have been viewed as a sociable thing.

I only had a letter from the SW's after reporting XP so don't really have any contructive advice. Although I would think that once your DD starts nursery in September as long as she gets on fine again then they wouldn't bother you at all and would start seeing him for what he is (a twat).

Well thats what Im hoping. She didnt seem that concerned. Just offered help. I refused. That was that.

He is now claiming he did it to help, after denying he made the call at all.

Oh I dont know. Men.