He has my children

[Thirtyeight]

I left my husband after years of abuse. He has always lived with his mum and it had got to the stage where his mother was raising my sons whilst I worked full time to support his debt and his mother.
I moved out and was expecting to take my very young sons with me. Husband told me I couldn't take my sons as it would be abduction. So now I am alone without my sons. Ex won't let me back in the house cos it'll upset his mum. I have been trying to get my boys living with me during the week but my solicitor has done next to nothing in three months.
I'm scared now that it's been too long to get my sons. My ex says that the children had three parents and I'm the one that left.

Any advice or insight would be helpful

Hello

I agree with OP - you need a new solicitor. You also need support for yourself. I suggest that you get in touch with Womens Aid who are a charity supporting women who have escaped Domestic Violence (DV).

The hidden problem with DV is that the perpertrator destroyed the victims self esteem. I suspect that his mother has colluded in this & is part of the problem not the solution.

Women's Aid will have details of solicitors who have experience of this type of case & will also have consellors & workers who are able to support you.

You don't need to have bruises to be a victim of DV.

I'm also concerned about your children living in an environment with people who can treat you like that - what messages about human relationships will they grow up with?

Take care & let us know how you get on

Why don't you talk this through with a family solicitor? You could even ask Women's Aid for their recommendation since it seems they really have done a job on you.

Sorry, xposted with Pirates who has excellent advice.

This is the number of 'Rights for Women' 0207 251 6577 they are a charity that helps women and give free legal advice but they are only open a few hours a day.

Good luck xx

Ex would not sign over
Benefit back to me so I'd have no choice but to give them back. I cared for my sons on both my days off, and after work every evening. I would also get them up and dressed in the mornings. My ex cannot do this as he works Monday to Friday 7 till 6

I would need to take the children back to him at the weekends as I work. He wouldn't give them back. My worry is that the children will become distressed. My eldest has started 'stimming' It's a nervous thing.

Well go round on the Monday morning when he's at work- his mother can't stop you taking them can she? Take a friend with you, if she is willing to cause a scene in front of the children then surely you don't want them there anyway? I'd quit the job if it was coming between me & my children. Or like i suggested, get alternative childcare. Or ask your employer for some emergency leave to give you time to get this sorted.

It sounds like you've got no fight left in you

You can self rep, you don't need a solicitor but get a court hearing booked now!

Thank you everyone. I've sat and thought about this from lots of angles but my head is in a pickle. I got terrible advice from solicitor four months ago and am only just getting somewhere.
You've all made very valid points. I have a meeting with my new solicitor next week.
I will let you know how I get on.

Thank you again. It's been really helpful for me to know that I'm not wasting my time trying to get my children back into my arms.

RedHelenB my reservation about that would be that it will probably be very difficult for the OP to be confident in court in front of / about people who have previously bullied and intimidated her - she needs a good confident solicitor to be able to stand up for her.

OP Glad you are getting your thinking head on. Remember that many of the things you think you 'must' do have been put in your head by your abusive husband and MIL. You worry that your children will become distressed - that is their voices saying that you are bad for them. Imagine instead how happy they will be to see you, no matter what. Don't let yoursel dwell on barriers to getting them. Think about the ways you can get them.

Hello again Thirtyeight

When I escaped DV I went to Relate first as I wanted to understand why I, as an intelligent, confident, well educated person with a responsible and difficult job (I work with teens who have problems of various kinds) managed to get myself into an abusive relationship. They put me in touch with Women's Aid & also helped me to understand that it wasn't my fault and that I had no need to be embarrassed or apologise for my situation. I was the victim, it was my ex who had the problem. I also realised that his mother not only knew about it, but enabled the abuse by turning a 'blind eye' & asking me to make allowances for him as he'd been spoiled

The first solicitor who I saw (before I contacted Womens Aid) was unhelpful & didn't grasp the problem. He said that I had no choice but to allow my DS (then an 8 week old bf baby) to stay every other weekend with my ex. He said that the courts would insist on this & suggested, while bfing, I could stay with ex during the contact weekends

You really REALLY need to get in touch with a professional organisation who can support and advise you. For one thing, your ex doesn't have to transfer the Benefits over to you. An expert can support you to explain to DWP/HMRC that you are fleeing DV and that your ex isn't co-operating. Believe me, DWP deal with this kind of case daily, as long as you can show that you have the children with you, they will stop paying the Benefits to him & transfer the claim to you.

Alternatively, you could report him for claiming fraudulently if you have the children with you & he retains the Benefits.

My ex literally hounded me for years & used the courts to continue his abuse. But, with the suppport of Women's Aid, some good friends, a counsellor & an excellent solicitor I won.

As result I'm a stronger more confident person &, possibly, a better mother I'm certainly better at my job!

It's time to be a tiger mother & fight for your kids - GO GIRL

Hi PiratesMolMabel

Thank you for your post it's been really helpful.

Just thought I'd update the situation for all the ppl who kindly offered advice and support.

I now have a new solicitor and a court date. I'm seeing a bit more of my children now that school has finished.

I certainly won't be able to have my children in time for the September school term but am still hopeful I will get them before Christmas.

I will keep you posted.

ThirtyEight. When the children are with his mother you can just go and get them! You have parental responsibility ad she doesn't. If she refuses to hand them over remind her of this and call the police.

Quit your job! Or take some leave. Have your children with you!

Thirtyeight - what you're going through is typical of what a non-resident parent suffers at the hand of a controlling resident one.

It more typically happens to fathers but in time I have met (and helped) a few mothers in the same situation. At the meetings I attend there are usually mothers in your situation.

I'm a member of Families Need Fathers. Despite the name it is all about children having a meaningful relationship with their children after their parents separate. It's a child-focused organisation that tries to get parents to get together to avoid the damaging conflict that some go through (and cause!)

I'd recommend you give them a call and consider joining (Google them!) There's a very busy forum where any question you'd ask will be answered - everything from practical advice to avoiding conflict with the ex to pre-empting potential problems. You'll get some excellent advice if you've got no choice but to take the matters to court. If you'll find moral support and people who have gone through what you're going through willing to help you in court if that's what you want too...and they'll do it at a fraction of the cost of a solicitor and in my opinion often better resorts.

We have a sister organisation you may be interested in too - MATCH (Mothers Apart from their Children) who do the same sort of thing.

Sorry to hear about your trouble...but there are a lot of dads (and mums!) who know how you feel out there.

Slowcooker123 - you'd think. But the police aren't too worried about the law...it's more peace keeping.

The most likely outcome if the OP tried that would be:

1.) The MIL would call the police and claim the non resident parent was abducting the children.
2.) They'd arrive in short order and tell her to go away or they'll arrest for a breach of the police on the grounds the MIL was distressed'. 3.) They'd advise her to take the matter to court. 4.) In court the ex's solicitor would make much of said attempted abduction' to try to sling mud.

I was in a similar situation myself a few years back before the matter was in court, without any discussion whatsoever. 2 police cars, 3 coppers and my elderly parents threatened with arrest too.

I have both my sons with me as I have a week off and it's half term. They've been away from me since April. I called my 3 yr old "my baby" just now and he told me he wasn't my baby he was nannys baby. I'm gutted. I think it may be too late to have my sons, I think I've lost them to my husband and his mum.

OP...I know your DC's comment has wounded you deeply but it's only his age and that 'nanny' has been there for a while and you haven't...don't be worried that you will lose your children...you won't...and your DC's know you are their mummy and are just confused and will latch on to whatever is most familiar to them....you will turn this around again....time is all you need...

I hope you are enjoying a lovely week with your DC's and building the bridges is lovely...and very positive.
Good luck with the new solicitor and hoping they will move things forward with you.

I do think you might need to look at your working schedule though...if you can change your hours to be more suitable with DC's needs and show you have made every adjustment and effort to be your childrens resident carer and the appropriate provider for them.....not a nanny / older woman and a slovenly so called father (tv and snoring habit)who is barely involved with his DC's by the sound of things

You want to shine as the obvious choice as the parent that should have fulltime care of her children

I think Women's Aid is a very good place to get advice and support with your situation too....

Thank you.
I just had a very low moment last night and although I prefer people to just tell me to snap out of it and stop being such a drip, I really needed some acknowledgement for how I was feeling and to know that it was valid.
On the bright side, since I left I've become more aware of my needs and know that I am not being selfish for leaving. I'm finally able to stand up for myself, not much but it's a start.